Chapter Fifteen
Going home felt like torture. I could barely move. All I really wanted was my twenty-four hour TV., with pseudo room service on the fourth floor of the hospital back. I was able to set up quite the dream world there where I was not a single, completely alone, complete invalid. Just on a vacation without the sun and sand and surf, however I did have the constant supply of drugs.
Mentally, I was in pretty bad shape. Finn, true to his word, had not called, texted, smoke signaled. Nothing. Being the stubborn mule that I was, I had not initiated any of those methods either. Even though I had decided to let him go, I was devastated. My walls were solid, but inside, it was all going to shit. I was drowning and feeling sorry for myself. I hardly knew this guy, yet, it felt like a part of me had been ripped out by the gunshot and never been replaced. Tears were always at the ready and my head hurt from the constant crying. My heart was broken and hurt like hell. It had been nearly shot and it was being torn out all in the same time frame.
I needed a distraction. I couldn’t cave and call him or even text him. This was better for both of us. I was pretty much unfixable and with no receipt for a refund. He needed a super model or something. Not a run down, old widow. No wonder someone shot me, I thought wallowing in a pool of self-pity.
Sam was buzzing around me and I felt like punching her. Her bright chipper moods were never my thing but I had always loved her for them, but today, I was looking for company for my miserable assed self.
She got me settled in my bed and I had to admit, it did feel good to be home. I noticed her buzzing had stopped suddenly. That meant next she was going to start lecturing me about Finn again.
“George?”
Ugh, knew it. “Yes?”
“You have to at least call him. He wants to be with you, I can’t believe you’re pushing him out. Give the guy a chance. He practically moved into the hospital and if that’s not enough to convince you, you haven’t slept with him. Inquiring minds need to know if he’s got game in the bedroom. His moves are rumoured, but have never been confirmed. Come on!”
Ha, moves. If I was being truthful to myself, I would admit Sam was right. I felt all crabby just thinking about missing out on the next step. We had been so close, but had never made it to the bedroom.
“Sam, remember me? Not fully functioning in the relationship department. It was never going to work. I’m too depressing as a girlfriend and he’s fucking Finn Lowry. We didn’t stand a chance. Doomed.”
“Would you listen to yourself? God, yes, it sucked Conner was taken from you. And yes, shoot me the poor me daggers, but come on George. It’s been five years. Five long years of horrible dates, boring guys and a nice, cozy, safe life. Safe inside your little fortress you have built up but man, it’s got to be pretty lonely in there. Huh? You can’t punish yourself forever just because you weren’t the one who died in the accident. You were given the gift of life, so come on, live it.”
She flipped her perfect hair in a huff over her shoulder, grabbed her bag and spun on her heel. When she got to the door, she turned and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh or horrid, but you need to think about this. Call me or text. I have your friend schedule all ready to go.”
And with that, she slammed the door and took off and left me in my lonely fortress. Staring at the spot where she had just sat, I could feel it coming. It started with a trickle of a tear and then it became a torrent pretty damn fast. I flopped back into the soft bed as gently as I could, which wasn’t gently at all, and curled into a ball and let it all come out. Years and years of grief bottled up finally being released. God, it hurt physically and mentally. That’s my life right now summed up. A fucking mess of hurt.
No one had spoken to me that way since Connor had died. It was true. I felt immense survivor’s guilt. My therapist thought I had it licked, but I fooled her. It seemed it took a gunshot wound from a crazed, lovesick lunatic to push me to admit what I was doing. I took a deep breath after what felt like an hour of crying. As I exhaled, I realized it didn’t matter. My stubborn, stupid brain wouldn’t let him in. He needed someone so far removed from what I was that it was just pointless.
With that final thought, I crawled under my treasured down comforter and re-built those walls that had come down for that short period of time and drifted off to sleep. As usual, I didn’t notice my phone was on silent and had been blinking red for the past hour.