CHAPTER 10
~Hayden~
My mind was spinning when I left Keith’s office. How the hell was I going to buy the track from Jordan? I’d made good money street racing, but most of it had gone to Izzy and I wasn’t a part of that world anymore, so I didn’t have a way to get more. I had next to nothing in savings, and what I did have, I was holding onto for Izzy, just in case. And then on top of that, there was the additional problem of Jordan willingly selling his half of the track to me. I’d say he detested me almost as much as he hated Keith. He’d never sell his dream to me. Fuck. One problem at a time.
Nikki was her normal cheery self when I stepped downstairs. Spotting me, she looked around the garage, like I’d appeared from thin air. She waved and was just about to ask me a question, when an unexpected and unwelcome voice interrupted her. “Hayden…do you want to talk now? By your text, it seemed like you were upset.”
I was just a couple of feet away from Nikki, staring into her deep brown eyes. They were wide with surprise; there was no way she hadn’t heard Felicia say that. Great. My day was getting better and better.
Over my shoulder, I told Felicia, “I said no and I meant no. I’m fine, and I don’t need to discuss anything with you.”
Felicia’s voice was calm and quiet. “All right, Hayden. But if you change your mind, you know how to get ahold of me.”
I could hear her boots walking in the opposite direction, but I couldn’t pull my eyes from Nikki’s to look. Nikki’s gaze had alternated between Felicia and me that entire exchange, but once Felicia was gone, her eyes focused solely on me. They were so heated with anger that I thought I better defend myself before she crucified me.
“Keith gave her my number. She’s texts me, I ignore her. But this morning…this morning just sucked, and I inadvertently answered her, and I’m begging you to not tell Kenzie about any of that.”
Her eyes grew cold, and I knew I’d lost ground with her by asking her to keep something from her best friend. “And why would I do that?” she asked.
Closing my eyes, I inhaled a deep breath. “Because it will fuck us up if you tell her. It has to come from me, it’s the only way she’ll believe the truth—that I didn’t start this, and I don’t want it to continue.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, clearly not believing me. Great. If she didn’t, how the hell would Kenzie? Locking eyes with her, I said, “I swear, with everything I have and everything I am, that I don’t want Felicia. I want Kenzie.”
Nikki scrutinized my face for a few more seconds, then nodded. “I’ll give you time to tell her first, but you better tell her.”
I nodded, temporarily relieved. “I will. I promise.” When it’s right, when it won’t hurt her and make her feel like I betrayed her, I’ll tell her.
* * *
After practice, I picked up Kenzie and we made our way to Izzy’s for dinner. To talk about Felicia. God, I just couldn’t get away from her today.
I felt distant from Kenzie as we rode our motorcycles south. The guilt of what I was doing was weighing me down. There were so many little secrets Kenzie wouldn’t approve of, and some she’d downright hate. I knew I shouldn’t let the guilt push me away from her, but I couldn’t help it; just looking in her direction filled me with shame. She’d given up her entire life for me, and I was lying to her, talking to my ex—however briefly—and contemplating stealing her father’s legacy right out from under him. Jordan was right…I wasn’t worthy of her. One day she’d realize that, and then I would be the one who lost everything.
A brief part of me wondered if I should just get out now, spare myself some pain. But the more logical part of me knew that wouldn’t stop the agony. I was fucked either way. And that was exactly why I hadn’t wanted to fall in love again, why I’d resisted this. Loss was inevitable, and never easy. Desperately wanting to hold onto something you had, only made the inevitable loss of it all the more excruciating. Staying free and clear of everything was really the only way to avoid pain. After all, you couldn’t have the rug pulled out from under you if you never purchased a rug in the first place.
But God…being alone fucking sucked. There had to be a balance somewhere, some way to win in this fucked-up life, some way to have it all. But if there was a way, I had no clue what it was.
When we got to Izzy’s, my mood sank for an entirely different reason. Izzy had been just as dead set against letting Felicia back in as me. She doesn’t deserve us. Those had been her words, not mine. But then, in just one conversation, she’d forgiven Felicia from bailing on her—on us—when we’d needed her most. And then she’d told her intimate things about our lives that Felicia didn’t need to know. It made no sense.
I was so lost in thought, I didn’t feel Kenzie trying to hold my hand until she grabbed my wrist to stop me. I gave her a sheepish smile, then clutched her fingers tight. The feel of her soft skin in mine was surprisingly comforting, and I drew strength from her as I knocked on Izzy’s door.
Izzy’s smile faded when she cracked the door open and saw my face. Letting out a weary sigh, she swung the door wide. “Come on in,” she said.
Antonia stepped from her room into view, and I could feel my mood brightening as she skipped to the door. “Hey, Bookworm, you broke out of prison. Good for you.” Releasing Kenzie, I reached down and wrapped my arms around Antonia. She beamed up at me. Her feeding tube was still connected, but she looked much better. She was still too thin though; her tiny body was so frail in my arms, it seemed like a heavy breeze could snap her in two.
“Uncle Hayden! Did you bring me a puppy?” she asked, her dark eyes scanning the room for her new pet.
An ache ripped through my chest. With so much going on in my life lately, I hadn’t had time to take care of that yet. I needed to move that up my list of priorities. With a heavy exhale, I shook my head. “Sorry, kiddo, I’m still working on that one.”
Still not sold on the puppy plan, Izzy gave me an annoyed look, but it quickly fell off her. “How was the race?” she asked. Her hands played with a ring on her finger, twisting it over and over—a nervous habit.
Flicking a glance at her hands, I snipped, “I think you already know the answer to that, Iz.”
She sighed, then threw her hands up. “I can explain, Hayden.”
Anger began boiling within me as I stared at Izzy. “You talked to Felicia. You told her things she didn’t need to know, Iz. And you forgave her? After everything she did to…to us?” After everything she did to me.
Kenzie cringed, and by the look on her face, it was clear she knew what I’d really been thinking. A hole in my chest cracked open a little bit as I pondered if bringing Kenzie here was a bad idea. I wasn’t going to be able to keep my anger in check, and she might take that the wrong way. But this wasn’t about Felicia and me, it was more about Izzy and me. Maybe if I thought that enough times, I’d actually believe it.
“Why the hell would you forgive her?” I asked. Why the hell would you betray me? We were supposed to be a team about this.
Izzy shifted her attention to her daughter. “It’s time for your bath, Antonia. Go hop in the tub, please.” Not wanting to leave me, Antonia let out a long, annoyed whine at her mother. Snapping her fingers, Izzy pointed to the bathroom and Antonia finally shuffled off.
“Come on in and sit down, Hayden,” Izzy softly said, indicating the couch.
Annoyance surged through me as I trudged inside and took a seat on the couch. Kenzie sat beside me while Izzy closed the front door. Once Izzy joined us, I snapped, “How could you do that, Iz? What could she have possibly said to you that would take back four years of…nothing?”
Kenzie looked uncomfortable, like she felt out of place. I was torn between making her feel better and pressing Izzy for answers. Izzy hesitated, then put a gentle hand on my knee. “I can’t tell you why I forgave her, but I did.”
Surprise ripped through me like a wildfire. “You can’t tell me? Why the fuck not?”
Her expression tightened in irritation before relaxing into a sigh. “It’s not my story to tell, that’s why. It’s Felicia’s story, and I promised her that I would let her tell you…when she was ready.”
Looking away from her, I felt my face hardening. I knew she had a good point, but Felicia didn’t deserve Izzy’s loyalty. Not anymore. “There’s nothing Felicia can say that will change the fact that she left me. The two of us were…” Flicking a glance at Kenzie, I stopped myself from saying that Felicia and I were on the fast-track to marriage. Kenzie didn’t need to hear about that, didn’t need to know that I still had Felicia’s ring in the very back of my closet. Looking back at Izzy, I said, “She vanished, and it’s just too late, Iz.”
Izzy gave me a small, sad smile; it made my chest compress like someone was sitting on it. “Yeah, I thought the same thing, Hayden, and sure, it might be too late for some things…but it’s never too late to hear someone’s side of the story. It’s never too late to listen. You should give her a chance.”
A chance? Never. Not in this lifetime, and possibly not in the next. Izzy lifted her hands like she was warding off an angry spirit. “Okay, wrong choice of words…but you should at least hear her out.”
I’d really been hoping Felicia had been lying about Izzy forgiving her. Now that I knew she wasn’t, I didn’t know what to think. I felt like the world had been flipped over, and north was now south; I had no idea what direction to take.
Kenzie fidgeted beside me, and a small sigh escaped her. I avoided looking her way while I thought over my options. I didn’t owe Felicia anything, but Izzy was right about being open to listening to someone. If I’d hurt someone as badly as Felicia had hurt me, I’d hope that person would at least listen if I was trying to make amends. But fuck, that was so much easier said than done. And would hearing Felicia out hurt Kenzie? Izzy was contradicting herself by telling me to not fuck things up with Kenzie, then turning around and telling me to give Felicia “a chance.” I couldn’t do both.
I felt the heat of Kenzie’s stare all over me; it was like I was inside an oven. When I opened my mouth to give Izzy some sort of response, a firm knock on the door interrupted the silence. Izzy frowned at the front door, then got up to answer it. Still not sure what I was going to do, I avoided looking at Kenzie. We weren’t touching anymore either. We were sitting close together on the couch, but I felt like an ocean was between us—an ocean filled with my past, and her sacrifices.
Izzy’s soft voice from the door broke the cold front forming in the room. “Hey, now isn’t a good time. How about you come back tomorrow night?”
My eyes snapped to the door at hearing her words. Please tell me she’s not here. But it wasn’t Felicia at the door. It was worse. Hookup was standing there, trying to come inside, but Izzy had her hands on his chest, physically keeping him out, like her small frame really could. At hearing Izzy’s words, Hookup refocused his gaze into the room and instantly spotted Kenzie and me on the couch. “Well, if it isn’t my two favorite ex-racers. How’s it hangin’, guys?”
Confusing feelings of happiness and trepidation swirled through me like a chaotic cyclone. It had been forever since I’d seen Hookup, and a part of me missed him, crazy as that was. I didn’t trust him, though, not for a second. I instantly hopped off the couch and stepped in front of Kenzie, shielding her from whatever Hookup might do. “Izzy’s right, man, you shouldn’t be here.”
“Bullshit,” Hookup said, pushing his way past Izzy like she wasn’t even there. “Iz and Antonia are my family. My actual family. I’m not some stray they picked up and decided to keep.”
For a second I was so stunned at his comment that I couldn’t respond. Did he really just say that to me? Son of a bitch.
Izzy seemed to feel the same way. “Tony,” she barked, grabbing his arm. “Go, and come back tomorrow.”
Hookup shrugged her off and stepped up to me. “I have every right to be here. Unlike some.”
Like dogs guarding our marked territory, Hookup and I stared each other down, hackles raised, teeth bared. I was taller than Hookup, and had a bigger build, but even so, I wasn’t sure which one of us would come out ahead if the rising tension turned to blows; Hookup was small and scrappy, and I knew from experience, he didn’t fight fair.
Clearly worried about me, Kenzie moved out from behind my protective stance. Stepping forward, she put a hand on his arm. “Hookup, don’t.”
Hookup gave her a look laced with poison. “I don’t remember asking your opinion, bitch.”
Oh…I don’t fucking think so. Lunging forward, I grabbed Hookup’s throat and started squeezing. Kenzie’s admonishment immediately switched to me. “Hayden, don’t!”
I glanced over to see her brown eyes wide with fear. Knowing her concern was for me, I shoved Hookup back. “Don’t ever call my girlfriend a bitch again,” I seethed.
Hookup rubbed his throat, then predictably, made a move for me. Izzy tackled him from behind, stopping him. Arms around his shoulders, she screeched, “Knock it off, Tony!”
Hookup tried to shake her off, but she wasn’t about to let go. “Just leave, Hookup!” I yelled.
And that was when a tiny voice from the hallway brought everyone back to the realm of sanity. “Uncle Tony? Uncle Hayden? What’s going on?” We all twisted to look down the hallway. Antonia was standing there, her tiny body engulfed in a massive pink robe. Her dark eyes were wide and watery, and her face was even paler than before.
Izzy instantly let go of Hookup and rushed to her daughter. “Nothing, baby. The boys are just talking. Let’s get your pajamas on.” She swept Antonia into her bedroom, but not before shooting Hookup and me a warning look.
Hookup coughed into his hand while I obsessively ran my fingers through my hair. Antonia shouldn’t have to see crap like that. I should have held it together. The tension in the room melted away, and Kenzie let out a relived sigh. “I’m sorry for sort of choking you,” I quietly told him.
“I’m actually glad you’re here, man,” Hookup said, the look on his face thoughtful. “I’ve been thinking about stuff…”
A strange surge of hope went through me. Had Hookup finally hit rock bottom? Finally realized that he couldn’t keep going on the way he had been? God, for his sake, for Izzy’s sake…and for my sake…I hoped he had. “Yeah…what stuff?”
Hookup shuffled his feet and cracked his fingers. “Ah…yeah…well…Izzy said Felicia is back. Crazy, huh? You talked to her yet?”
Irritation cut through the hope in my chest; why was he bringing her up? “I’m pretty sure Felicia isn’t what you wanted to discuss.”
Hookup gave me a derisive sniff. “No, man…she’s not.” His small brown eyes shifted between Kenzie and me, and when he spoke, he indicated both of us. “Look, things haven’t been the same since you two stopped racing. I haven’t been able to find anyone worth half a shit to replace you. I’m not making fucking anything anymore!”
With a sigh, I started turning away from him. He hadn’t realized anything, hadn’t changed one single bit. Grabbing my arm, he stopped me. “Come on, man, race for me again! I’ll be good this time…I promise.” I was mildly surprised that he’d actually hinted at doing something wrong in the first place, although he’d certainly skated around outright admitting it.
Shaking him off, I said, “No, I’m done. I told you that already.”
Hookup held up his hands as he took a step back. “I know, I know, but there’s this big race coming up…50K to enter, man. It’s like a mini-Mondo! And since that race went to shit, we’ve got to do this!” His eyes were shining with the promise of a big score, and even I could see the euphoria of addiction swimming in his eyes. “Come on, H,” he pleaded. “One last big race, then you walk away and I never bother you again, and everything between us is cool.” His hope-filled face twisted to take in Kenzie. “Between all of us,” he added.
Kenzie raised her eyebrows at that. “One last race is supposed to make up for the fact that you tried to kill me?” Maybe Hookup sabotaging her bike wasn’t attempted murder, but what he’d been doing wasn’t exactly a precise science. If I hadn’t removed that mini-bomb thing from Kenzie’s bike, who knows what could have happened to her.
Hookup rolled his eyes like she was being a drama queen or something. “Please, nobody died. Both of you overacted to that whole situation…which I had nothing to do with,” he quickly added, his eyes scanning the room like he was searching for a camera. Wow, paranoid much?
Crossing my arms over my chest, I shook my head. “There’s not going to be one last race, Hookup. That ended the day I got hurt in that…unfortunate pileup.” My eyes turned to stony fire. It could have been Kenzie in that wreck instead of me. “Thank God nobody died in that mess…”
Hookup suddenly looked very uncomfortable, but then he shrugged it off, like it didn’t matter—or he didn’t want to think about it. He was very good at avoiding what he didn’t want to deal with. “Look, I’ll give you fifty percent, sixty, whatever it takes. I just…I need to be in that race, Hayden.”
Closing my eyes, I let out a soft sigh. “My answer is still no, Hookup. I left that life behind for a reason.” Opening my eyes, my expression turned hard. “And you should leave it behind too. That world…it will eat you alive. Things will only end badly for you if you don’t get out. For you, and for Izzy and Antonia.” Taking a step forward, I pleaded, “If you care about them at all, Tony, then you’ll—”
“Screw you, Hayden,” Hookup snapped, taking a step back from me. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. I’m fine, Antonia and Izzy are fine. The only problem we have is the fact that you’re being a selfish asshole. You’re the one who doesn’t want to help the family—”
My eyes brightened with fire. Was he fucking kidding me? I was being selfish? “Well, as you pointed out, Tony, I’m not family! And I really don’t see a reason to be here anymore.” I held my hand out for Kenzie, and she eagerly took it. She’d probably been ready to leave ages ago.
Izzy came back into the room right as we were approaching the door. “Hayden?” she asked, her voice tinged with sadness.
Pausing, I looked back at her. “I’ll think about what you said, Iz. Give Antonia a kiss goodnight for me, okay?” As Izzy nodded, I pulled Kenzie out the door.
My mind was once again spinning as we rode home. We shouldn’t have gone over there. In this case, ignorance would have been better. When we got back to Kenzie’s place, she was quiet, contemplative. I felt like the distance between us had grown even wider, and I desperately wanted to pull her tight again, but I didn’t know how to scoop out the baggage that was wedged between us, expanding every day.
A forlorn sigh escaped Kenzie as she trudged to the kitchen to get some water. Feeling guilty, torn, confused, and a million other things, I followed her. “Are you okay?” I quietly asked as she filled a glass with water from the sink.
She only nodded in answer before taking a long gulp, and I saw right through it. She wasn’t okay. At all. “I’m so sorry about all that. I never expected Hookup to show up…he’s been MIA lately, and I kind of thought he’d stay that way. I certainly never expected him to ask us to race again.” I shook my head in disbelief. After what had gone down last year, did he really think we’d say yes?
Kenzie gave me such an odd expression, that I instantly knew she hadn’t been thinking about Hookup. Her tongue loosening, she said, “You told Izzy you’d think about hearing Felicia out. Are you really going to talk to her?”
Even more guilt flooded through me. Why had I told Izzy that right in front of Kenzie? Why was I even thinking about it? “I don’t know, Kenzie. Maybe, maybe not. I feel like…” I feel like Felicia is taking over my life and I’ll never get it back until I talk to her. But I couldn’t say that to Kenzie; she wouldn’t understand. I wasn’t sure if I did. Walking through that door wouldn’t help anyone. Except maybe Felicia. She wanted my forgiveness, but sometimes I felt like holding it back from her was the only way I could put some distance between us. Why did she leave? Why was she back?
My gaze shifted to the ground before looking back up at Kenzie. “I feel like I shouldn’t be talking to you about this.” And I definitely shouldn’t have let you come with me tonight.
Sadness washed over Kenzie’s face, like she knew that wasn’t what I’d almost said. With lies, secrets, and missed opportunities to communicate blasting us left and right, I felt like our relationship was beginning to slide backward, and while I hated that it was, I didn’t know how to stop the momentum.
Kenzie didn’t say anything, but she looked pained. Needing to ease her stress, I stepped so close to her that our chests were touching. Cupping her cheek, I softly said, “I’m not going to talk to her. You mean more to me than anything she has to say, and that makes my choice pretty damn clear. Felicia can go to hell. I don’t need her anymore, or her explanations.”
A true smile finally brightened her expression. “Really?”
Feeling like I was finally doing something right, I nodded before lowering my mouth to hers. “Absolutely.”
Kenzie tossed her arms around my neck, and I felt the space between us slowly begin to dissolve. As I kissed her as deeply as I could, I reveled in the bliss of our commitment. It was still just Kenzie and me in this relationship—the two of us against the world—and we were going to be just fine.
I hoped.
But even still, hours later, when we were lying on Kenzie’s bed and dawn was inching closer and closer, I worried, and I doubted. Things would never be truly right between us until Kenzie was racing again. That was the only way we were going to work. She shouldn’t have given it up for me. I was immensely grateful she had, because I couldn’t imagine life without her, but it had changed things too much. Changed her too much. She needed it back, and the only way to get it back was by giving Keith Jordan’s side of the track.
Bits and pieces of what happened at Izzy’s place floated through my mind as the darkness lightened to a deep gray. I forcefully blocked out Izzy telling me she’d forgiven Felicia—why the hell would she do that?—and made myself only think of later, when Hookup had shown up. There’s this big race coming up. 50K to enter. I’ll give you fifty percent, sixty, whatever it takes.
If I was making that kind of cash again, I could have enough money to buy back the track in no time. That didn’t solve all my problems—like Jordan refusing to sell it to me, and it definitely added additional problems—like hiding from Kenzie that I was street racing again—but it did solve one problem. Finances. I could even help Izzy again too; Kenzie was giving her money from her winnings last year, but Kenzie was living off that money, and it would only last for so long. If I could stock up cash to purchase the track for Keith and supplement Izzy’s income at the same time, it was a win-win. Or it could be a major bust.
But I’d never know until I tried.
Carefully slipping out of Kenzie’s bed, I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and quietly made my way to the kitchen. Wondering if he’d be up at this hour, I texted Hookup. ‘Okay, I’m in.’
His response was immediate. ‘Fuck yes! You won’t regret this, man.’
Too late, I kind of already did. ‘I have a few stipulations though.’
‘Like what?’
‘One, I get seventy percent.’
I could almost see Hookup groaning at my request, but the response he typed back was, ‘All right. Anything else?’
Inhaling a deep breath, I typed, ‘Yeah…I do this straight-up on my own skill. You don’t touch the bikes—any of them. And nobody can know about this. Nobody.’
I wasn’t sure how Hookup would take that either. Saying yes would sort of be admitting that he’d once tampered with bikes. It would also be shooting himself in the foot by taking away his “edge.” He’d have to trust me to get the job done, and Hookup wasn’t good with trust. He loved to gamble, but he wanted a sure thing.
His response took a solid two minutes to get to me. ‘Fine.’
Closing my eyes, I set my phone on the cluttered kitchen counter, a counter I still hadn’t gotten around to cleaning. It was done. I was going to start racing for Hookup again. This time, my goal was to save Kenzie, but I was going to have to lie my ass off to do it. Great. How the hell was I supposed to do that?
***