CHAPTER 4
~Kenzie~
Three months later
The phone shook in my hand as I carefully listened for the voice on the other end of the line to say something. They were either going to give me a chance to race for them, or they were going to completely destroy my dream. Even though I wanted to stay cool and detached, wanted to pretend this phone call wasn’t the most important phone call of my life, my heart was pounding a furious rhythm against my ribcage; each pulse struck harder than the beat before, and I was positive I was going to be bruised inside.
Ever since I was five years old, I’d known what I’d wanted to do for a living—follow in my father’s footsteps and race motorcycles. There was never another option, never a Plan B. I never doubted my decision or waffled on my career choice. I’d done what I’d had to do to make my goal a reality. And, for one glorious season, I’d lived that dream to the fullest. Then I’d let it go. I couldn’t deny that it had killed me to release it…but in the back of my mind, I’d never truly believed it was gone. Until now. Today was my last chance to get on a team before the new season started.
The air in my kitchen seemed to solidify, and every breath was a struggle. Jesus, just say something already. Then a weary exhale met my ear, and I knew my fate before he even said it; I’d heard that sigh before. “We do appreciate you reaching out to us, Ms. Cox, and we truly wish there was something we could do for you, but unfortunately, we can’t take on any more riders at this time. I know you understand how expensive this business can be, and we’re a small team to begin with. There’s just no room.”
Not wanting my last chance to slip away from me so easily, I quickly spat out, “I know, but I’m willing to work with you. I have my own bikes, I can buy my own—”
He cut me off with a curt, “I’m very sorry…but the answer is no.” From his tone, I knew debating with him would get me nowhere.
There was a tearing sensation in my chest as his rejection settled into my brain. It was like the pocket of my soul where hope was fervently held tight had just been tapped and drained; I felt lightheaded, faint. Then anger and grief rushed in to fill the void. The mixture was thick and heavy, weighing me down instead of lifting me up.
My mouth felt too dry to speak, but somehow, I managed to form words. “If you’ll only reconsider, I’m sure we could work out something—”
The other line disconnected before I could finish my futile attempt at persuasion. Feeling numb inside and out, I slowly lowered the phone to the counter. That was it. The very last racing team in the ARRC…and they’d turned me down. Full to the brim of stunned disbelief, I couldn’t even completely comprehend that it was over. My dream was done. What was I going to do now?
Pricks of pain swept over me as I contemplated a lifetime of being blocked from the sport I loved. How would I go on? Should I just let it go? Be content with the fact that at least I’d gotten the chance to live my dream for a short time? Many people never got that far in life, after all. But I’d done it. I’d tasted glory, felt the blood-pumping thrill of competition, reveled in the euphoric high of success. I’d touched the sun. And now all I was left with were memories, stories…and scars.
Dad was the reason no one would hire me. He was furious over the decision I’d made at the end of the racing season last year—to give up competing so I could stay near Hayden. In an effort to keep us apart, Dad had tried manipulating my life by making plans to ship me off to a racing team back east. When I’d refused, he’d given me an ultimatum—quit the boy or quit racing. I couldn’t say goodbye to Hayden, so I’d left racing behind, rejecting and hurting my father in the process. Quickly after that, Dad had contacted every team, and, using his remaining respect and influence, he’d blacklisted me. When Dad wanted to make a point, he made sure it stuck.
The entire ordeal was gut-wrenching for me. Despite our differences, my father and I had always had a good relationship before this; his approval, guidance and support had been the cornerstone of my career. The Hayden-sized wedge between us was a razor-sharp slice across my heart that wouldn’t properly heal. Knowing Dad was hurt, angry, disappointed…it killed me, but I loved Hayden—with everything inside me—and giving him up just wasn’t an option. But I truly believed that if Hayden and I stayed tight and true, one day Dad would accept him and forgive me. He had to…we were family.
But, in the meantime, none of my family members were making things easy. Dad was still completely ignoring me. I called, left messages, and texted all the time, but I never received any response. He probably thought I’d break down and cave if he froze me out of his life. Theresa and Daphne were still angry; every conversation I tried to start with them ended in a fight. It sucked. I wanted my family and my career and my boyfriend. I shouldn’t have to choose. And I wasn’t going to. The cost was high though. Bonds were breaking that could never truly be repaired. I hoped Dad realized just what he was risking by freezing me out, because the more time that went on, the more I could feel our family fraying.
Between the loss of my family and the loss of my career, my soul was bleeding out. There was one good thing that hadn’t been taken away though. No, one amazing thing: Hayden. And I took a great deal of comfort in the fact that he and I were still going strong, despite everything that seemed to be trying to come between us.
Since I still wasn’t welcome at the Benneti garages, Hayden and I spent as much time together as we could outside of his practice schedule. He stayed at my place most nights, and while I loved having him there, it could be challenging at times. Hayden was many things—sexy as hell, brave, fearless—but he was also kind of a slob. At least, compared to me.
I liked things to be a certain way—a place for everything and everything in its place. I preferred order, tidiness, simple lines, clean curves and absolutely no clutter. Hayden just dropped whatever he had on him wherever he happened to be, and he only picked his crap up again when he needed it. It drove me insane, but I really liked having him around…so I was trying to not let the little things bother me. I had enough on my plate.
Like right now, when my world felt like it was imploding. I could feel defeat bubbling inside me, feel pockets of despair bursting open, coating me. My dream is over. Trying to hold in the tears stinging my eyelids, I stared at the island counter. It used to be completely bare, but Hayden frequently used it as his dumping area. Currently, it was overrun with papers, receipts, pens, small tools, and handfuls of candy; the boy had a soft spot for sweets.
We’d made love on this counter once, but now there was no room for that to even be a consideration. The urge to clean up something in my life had me itching to grab a large garbage bag and sweep all his crud into it. I could toss the bag in the garage and it wouldn’t really make it any harder for him to find things. A system had to be better than no system at all, and less junk would certainly help my sanity. For a little while.
Having convinced myself that project One Bag was a great idea, I headed to the sink to retrieve the lucky garbage sack that was about to store all of Hayden’s treasures. That was when Hayden strolled into the kitchen, wearing frayed jeans, a plain white T-shirt, and his black leather Benneti Racing jacket.
Running a hand through his shaggy blond hair, he gave me a warm smile. Then, like he knew exactly what I was thinking, he pointed a finger at me and stated, “Don’t you dare touch that. I’ll clean it later.” I raised an eyebrow at that, since I’d heard it before, and Hayden did a quick X over his heart. “Promise.”
My thwarted plan to clean something made me want to sigh in frustration, but at the sight of Hayden’s crooked smile, the sound came out wistful and airy; just seeing him could lift my mood sometimes. He was so damn good looking, like a mad scientist had artfully combined the DNA of David Beckham, Scott Eastwood, and Chris Hemsworth to create the perfect male specimen; the result was just as amazing as it sounded. Sometimes it was hard to believe that Hayden wasn’t a model selling underwear for a living, or some famous movie star’s son. He was just another professional road racer, like me. Or like I used to be, at any rate.
His green eyes sparkled, reminding me just how in love he was, but then his expression fell. Glancing at my cell phone on the end of the cluttered counter, he quietly said, “You heard from the last team, didn’t you?”
His question reignited my grief and disbelief. I can’t believe they all said no. Over the last several weeks, I’d been systematically calling every single ARRC racing team, trying to find one who would take me. Local, distant…I didn’t care anymore. I needed to race. My dream might have died, but it was still a part of me, and I still yearned for it.
Blinking away the moisture that instantly clouded my vision, I nodded. “Yeah. It’s official, nobody wants me…” Saying it felt like plunging a dagger through my throat. It’s really over.
Hayden’s supportive arms were instantly around me, and I inhaled his strength, his salt and surf scent, and his sun-like warmth. Being near him brought to mind all of my most happy places—my solaces—tearing it up on my motorcycle, gliding through the ocean on my surfboard, and being surrounded by unconditional love. Hayden merged all my favorite things into one firm body that I constantly craved to touch.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered in my ear. Pulling back, he gave me a tender smile. “If it’s any consolation, I want you.”
That was actually a huge consolation; it was what made all my sacrifices worth it. “Thank you,” I murmured in response.
The haze in my vision cleared as I pulled back to stare at the amazing man before me. Knowing that I was free to kiss him at any moment of my choosing was a heady feeling, one I really wanted to indulge in right now. Taking advantage of our newfound freedom, I lifted my mouth to his. The minty hint of gum tickled my nose, making me want to maintain the intimate contact for as long as possible.
I could feel Hayden smiling as I slipped my tongue into his mouth; he craved this too. But after a long moment that was entirely too short for me, he pulled back. There was clear concern on his face as he searched my eyes, and echoes of the conversation I’d just had with my last hope of racing this year ghosted through my brain: We truly wish there was something we could do… We can’t take on any more riders… I’d heard similar rejections from everyone else I’d talked to—no room, no need, no way.
Cupping my cheek, Hayden again said, “I’m so sorry, Kenzie. I wish I could fix this…” His eyes were dark with helplessness. It was a feeling I understood, since I felt it daily.
“It’s not your fault, Hayden. This was my choice.” I told him this so often, I probably said it in my sleep. It never seemed to ease his guilt though.
He gave me a smile that wasn’t really a smile. “Have you reconsidered confronting your father? I really think that if you talk to him face-to-face, he’ll change his mind. If nothing else, at least you’ll finally get him to speak to you. I mean, he can’t ignore you if you’re standing right in front of him.”
A humorless laugh escaped me as I thought about that. “Don’t underestimate Jordan Cox.” Shaking my head, I looked around the cluttered kitchen. “I’ve thought about stopping by his house a thousand times, but whenever I start going through the motions, I freeze up and talk myself out of it. I’m not sure if it’s fear or anger holding me back, but I really can’t talk to him.” My hands inadvertently clenched into fists, and I had to force myself to relax them. “He sabotaged my career, blacklisted me from every team that might have hired me. He screwed me over, and then he shut me out.” Just saying it killed me a little; a phone endlessly ringing haunted my dreams sometimes.
With a sigh, Hayden gently kissed my forehead. “I know, and I know how much family can suck. I’m here for you though, Kenzie. You and me…we’ll get through this on our own. We don’t need anyone else.”
There was an edge to his voice that caught my attention. Pulling back, I studied his face. Family was a tricky topic for Hayden. He’d been bounced around from foster home to foster home as a kid. With no parental consistency to speak of, he’d found consistency and security in his friends—Hookup, Izzy, and…Felicia. They’d been the four musketeers, always together. But inevitably, things had changed. Izzy’s daughter, Antonia, had been diagnosed with leukemia, Felicia had cut all ties and vanished, and Hookup had let his pride and gambling demons take over. The group—his family—wasn’t what it used to be.
“You okay?” I asked, looping my arms around his neck.
Hayden’s fake smile didn’t change. “Of course.” I gave him a flat stare until he finally sighed. “I’ve just been thinking about things a lot.”
That made a knot of anxiety tighten my stomach. Proving that he truly was a vindictive son of a bitch, Keith had somehow found and hired Felicia, and now Hayden had to be around her every day at the track, a fact that made me feel like someone was continuously wringing out my stomach.
Hayden didn’t talk much about her, and I knew he was doing that to protect me, but there were holes in his stories where I knew she fit. The only thing he would easily confess to me was that he was ignoring her existence and refusing her requests to talk. God, I hated every moment that I knew he might be with her, but I had to suck it up and deal with it. I had to trust him, or we would never make it. But it was really fucking hard.
I’d lost everything I had but Hayden. Professionally, Felicia had just been given everything I’d lost. She had everything but Hayden. Neither of us was content with our situations—Felicia wanted Hayden back, and I wanted racing back. Thinking about Felicia made breathing almost impossible, but I wasn’t about to let her chase me away. I wasn’t going to let anything else be stolen from me.
“What…kind of things?” I hesitantly asked.
Hayden’s expression grew guarded as he studied my face. I could almost see him trying to figure out what I was thinking. Then he sighed and shook his head. “This is going to sound strange, but I’ve been thinking about Hookup. I keep thinking maybe I should try talking some sense into him again or something.”
His words surprised me. Things between them were tense, at best. Hayden’s last words to Hookup had been a threat to permanently stay away from him, from both of us. “Did he approach you? Or Izzy? Have you heard from him?”
Shaking his head, Hayden quickly said, “No, I haven’t heard from him since the hospital. Which is what I’ve been thinking about…” I bunched my brows, not understanding, and Hayden let out a heavy exhale. “He fucked up, that’s for sure…but maybe…maybe I handled that all wrong. I don’t know. It’s just weird for me not having him around. He’s been a part of my life for so long. When no one else gave a shit, he was there. It’s hard to let that go. Maybe I gave up on him too quickly…”
For some odd reason, I felt like he wasn’t just talking about Hookup anymore. Everything he’d said could also be said about Felicia too. “Yeah…but he’s trouble, Hayden. He’s gone off the deep end, and he’ll just drag you down if you try to save him. You don’t need him anymore.” You don’t need her anymore either.
Hayden’s eyes lowered to the floor. “Yeah, I know. I was just thinking about it, doesn’t mean I’m going to do it.”
“Good…I guess.” It was a sad situation all around, but it was for the best. Hookup was bad news for Hayden. For Izzy and Antonia too; eventually, his greed would bring them down.
Inhaling a deep, cleansing breath, I tried changing the subject. “How were your times today?”
Hayden smiled, but I saw the tightness around his eyes. He didn’t like talking about work with me, and he was generally very vague whenever he did talk about it. It really bothered me that the thing that had originally brought us together was now a taboo topic, but I understood why. It was difficult for me to watch him ride, difficult for me to hear about the world I longed for. I wanted to be supportive though, so I tried to not let my discomfort stop me.
His answer was brief. “Fine.”
Knowing he was being elusive to protect my feelings, I didn’t let him off the hook. “Close to where you were last season?” Asking him that made a wave of pain slice through my gut. He’d been going to ask Keith if we could practice together, since racing against me had dramatically improved his times last year. But after Keith had banned me from the Benneti garages…he hadn’t asked. There was no point. Keith would never give me something I wanted, even if it helped Hayden too. Not until my father sold him the track.
Hayden’s lips pressed together so tight, they turned white. There was turmoil and uncertainty in his eyes, and I knew he didn’t want to answer my question…and, in doing so, he silently answered my question. “They’re better than last season, aren’t they?” I said.
He swallowed before nodding. “Just a little better…not by much…”
My gut inadvertently clenched like I’d taken a physical blow. His times were better. He didn’t need me. Forcing an encouraging smile, I said, “Good. Daytona is only a little over a week away, so…that’s really good. You’re going to have a great year…” My voice trailed off as a mixture of anger and sadness clashed inside me. The new season was nearly upon us. Hayden was about to go off and live his dream—live my dream—while I stayed here, staring at the walls, straightening his messes, and worrying about his ex.
Hayden put his finger under my jaw and made me look up at him. When our gazes met, I saw compassion in the depths of his jade eyes. “It’s because of you that I’m doing well. You know that, right? You gave me the foundation, helped me build on it. Everything I am, is because of you, Kenzie.”
His words touched my heart, and as I lost myself in his eyes, my emotions began swirling within me, faster and faster, like a tornado inside my chest threatening to rip my insides apart. Love, fear, anger, joy, uncertainty, desire…it all swirled together, combining to form one super-intense emotion that I couldn’t even begin to describe. Dad had always gotten after me about controlling my feelings. It had been easy for him, but it was something I’d always struggled with. But then again, letting go had served me much better last season than reining myself in all the time had ever done. Maybe in this, Dad and I were just different—he needed rigidness, I needed freedom. And Hayden was my freedom.
Grabbing his face, I pulled his mouth to mine and released the wall holding all my emotions in check. I instantly felt my eyes burn with unshed tears, and instead of pushing away the feeling, I embraced it. As our mouths moved together with almost frantic need, hot tears started coursing down my cheeks.
Hayden pulled back. “Kenzie…”
Eyes clamped shut, I shook my head. “Don’t. I’m fine, I need this. I need to let go. Help me let go…” My voice was shaking, and I let it. I needed to fall apart, and I needed him to be there to put me back together.
Returning his lips to mine, Hayden swooped me into his arms and carried me away. When he set me back down on my feet, we were in my bedroom. His thumbs gently brushed the tears off my cheeks, but more silently replaced them. I could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t want to do this, not while I was upset. But I didn’t need conversation; I needed his arms and legs wrapped around me, supporting me, engulfing me, reminding me that everything was going to be okay.
Needing to distract him from my pain, I pulled off my shirt and unhooked my bra. His gaze traveled down my chest once my breasts were free, but I could still see hesitation. Kicking off my shoes, I shrugged out of the rest of my clothes. “Take me,” I whispered. “I’m yours.”
His eyes lifted to mine. They were heavy with lust, but he was still holding back. Grabbing his hand, I brought it to my chest, to my heart. The ring with three looping infinity symbols was the only item left on me; it seemed to shine in the darkness. “Take me…please,” I repeated.
Any lingering uncertainty dissolved from his eyes as he stepped in to my embrace. Pulling my body against his, he crashed his lips down to mine. He hurried to strip himself of his clothes, then when he was bare, he slowed down, so he could gently lie me on the bed. My tears had finally dried up, but I still felt an emptiness in my heart…one he could help me fill. “Make love to me,” I murmured in the darkness.
Hayden exhaled a shaky breath as he settled onto the bed beside me. His hand slid over my hip as his lips traveled up my throat. Closing my eyes, I let the sensation of him overwhelm me, silence my brain. When his mouth got to my ear, he softly said, “Kenzie…talk to me.”
I could feel him retreating, feel seriousness begin to blanket the room. Shaking my head, I told him, “I don’t want to talk, I just want to feel.” Grabbing his hand, I led his fingers to the focal point of my need. Exhaling a heady breath in my ear, he gently lowered one finger, then slowly slid it between my legs. An explosion of euphoria swept over me when he touched me, and crying out, I gripped his shoulder tight. Yes, this is what I need.
Hayden groaned at hearing me, feeling me. I heard him mutter, “Okay,” then his mouth started traveling down my body. He teased me as he went, licking and sucking every sensitive spot I had. Then his tongue slid over my core, and every thought in my head vanished. My emotions calmed as pure pleasure took me over, and I held nothing back as I completely let go.
The sensation of his mouth moving over me was so swift and strong, starbursts exploded behind my eyes. A loud moan left me, and I squirmed beneath him. I wanted him to move harder, faster. More…I needed more. Hayden stubbornly refused to let me dictate the pace though. He kept up his slow, erotic torture, until I felt like I was tumbling, weightless. When I was just on the edge of releasing, he moved back up my body, kissing every inch of me as he went, igniting me even as he retreated. When our chests were flush again, I felt him slip between my thighs, rubbing against me. It was a glorious promise of something I desperately needed—something deeper, more intense. I adjusted my hips, giving him a better angle, and almost accidentally, he slipped inside me.
Hissing in a quick breath, Hayden paused his movements. Needing more, I reached up to grab his hips and pull them toward me. “God, Kenzie…yes,” he groaned, pushing into me, filling me, sending me toward the brink of something intensely profound.
Clutching the edge of the bed, my heart racing, my breath a pant, I started rocking into him. He eagerly met me, and with every thrust, the blissful energy at my core started cresting, rising, leading to something too incredible for words. All I could do was moan, “Yes,” while I screamed inside my mind for more.
Moments later, I reached the point of no return. Stiffening, a long cry escaped me as the shockwaves radiated through every cell, every nerve ending. Hayden slowed his pace and groaned as he came, and we clutched each other tight as we rode out the bliss together.
And for a second, while we drifted off to sleep, I was hopelessly, endlessly, and completely untroubled.
***