CHAPTER 21
~Kenzie~
A little over a month later, Dad, Nikki, and I were in New Jersey, getting ready for the last race of the year—my first and only race of the year. I couldn’t wait to be back on my bike, chasing a victory, but it had been forever since I’d truly competed, and nerves and excitement rampaged inside me. Strangely enough, the emotions were a welcome change; they helped block out all how lonely the last several weeks had been for me.
If it hadn’t been for this race, for spending every spare moment preparing myself mentally and physically for it, I would have been a blubbering mess, barely leaving my couch. Hayden and Dad’s gift had given me hope and vigor, just when I’d needed it most, a fact that filled me with even more conflicting emotions; it was odd and unnatural to simultaneously feel gratitude and anger. Hopefully one day I’d only feel one emotion at a time.
With only three of us on the newly revised Cox Racing Team, it felt strangely hollow and empty in our large garage bay at the event track. I kept looking around the mainly vacant space, waiting to see things that I normally saw before a race: Ralph about to throw up, Eli cracking lude jokes, Kevin blushing and apologizing, Myles laughing at it all. Next year.
“Hey, Nik, Dad and I have to go to a mandatory meeting before the autograph session. Are you good here with the bikes?” Nikki was obsessively cleaning and organizing her tools; she did that sometimes before a race. It was so good to see her in Cox blue and white again; I never wanted to see Benneti colors on my best friend again.
Nikki nodded absentmindedly and answered without looking up at me. “Yeah, yeah…it’s all good…all good.” She started mumbling something else, but I couldn’t understand her. She’d been acting really weird the last couple of days. She must be going through a bad bout of nerves too. This weekend would be the first time since Monterey that she’d seen Myles.
I’d made her call him several weeks ago. She’d just kept putting it off and putting it off, and, without my interference, they’d probably still be giving each other the silent treatment. That forced call had been awkward and silent at the beginning, but by the end they’d been laughing and chatting just like old times. And so long as they didn’t wind up in a bed together again, physically interacting shouldn’t be any different than their frequent phone conversations.
“Hey, you and Myles are going to be fine. You know that, right?” I said, placing my hand on her shoulder.
When she finally looked up at me, there were tears in her eyes. “Think so?”
Surprised by the emotion I saw on her face, I wrapped my arms around her in a quick hug. “I know so.”
Dad cleared his throat behind me, but didn’t say anything. That was his not-so-subtle reminder that we had somewhere to be and this sappy stuff could wait. I’d never in a million years thought my dad could hold his tongue about anything, but so far in our business arrangement, he’d only offered advice when he’d felt it was needed, then he’d step back and let me handle the information in whatever way I saw fit. It was a bizarre new reality I’d been thrust into, but I had to admit I loved it.
Letting Nikki go, I looked back at Dad and gave him a stiff nod to let him know that I understood his message. Just as we were moving toward the door, someone walked through it who surprised me: Dad’s ex-pit crew chief, John Taylor.
His presence stopped me dead in my tracks. My dad hadn’t had any luck convincing him to join us. Me neither. “John, what are you…? Are you here to…help us?” I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I could feel the anticipation rising.
John crossed his arms over his chest and cast a slow glance around the quiet garage. It took a solid minute for his eyes to finally rest on me. “You gonna see this through to the end?” he asked, his voice gruff.
Resolution firmed my spirit. I would never see Cox Racing die again. “The very end.”
A faint smile graced his lips, and he gave me a small nod of approval. “Then I’ll help you in whatever capacity I can.”
Relief coursed through me in a wave. Thank God. “Good,” I said, keeping most of my glee contained so I appeared somewhat professional. “We were just about to head to a meeting. Join us?”
John nodded, and fell into step behind Dad. I flashed a quick glance back at Nikki, and a wide grin burst out of me. We were one person closer to where we used to be.
While it was the same old meeting I’d been to several times before, it felt different this time. I wasn’t just a rider, I was an owner. This was my business now, not just my job, and that put a different spin on things. I felt more secure, more confident, and more at peace with my world. This was where I was meant to be. Even Keith glaring at me with murder in his eyes all meeting long couldn’t diminish my fire. My dream was alive again, and I was back where I belonged.
During the meeting, my eyes scanned the crowd of owners and riders. Whenever I caught myself doing it, I immediately forced my gaze back to the speaker. I was searching for Hayden, and that was something I didn’t want to do. He wasn’t here anyway. He’d quit. He was done. His dream was over. And as angry as I was at him, the fact that he’d given up this world killed me. Hayden belonged on a bike just as much as I did. Maybe Keith would take him back next year? But even as I thought it, I knew it wouldn’t matter if Keith wanted him. Hayden had cut ties with his boss, so he must have finally gotten sick of the man’s meddling. Hayden had given up everything Keith had offered him—stability, a home, a bike, a future. If Hayden had walked away, he must have had good reason, and that reason would probably keep Hayden away for good. So, unless someone else was willing to take a chance on the former street racer, Hayden’s days of racing were over.
And knowing I could give Hayden the chance he needed only made me feel even more conflicted. I couldn’t work with him though. I just couldn’t.
After the meeting, I headed to the autograph session while Dad and John headed back to the garage. Since I’d been out most of the year, I wasn’t sure if I’d have any fans today, but I was pleasantly surprised to see a line already waiting for me when I got to my assigned spot. Most of them were wearing T-shirts proudly displaying my racing number—22—and several were holding presents and cards; one young girl even had flowers. Tears pricked my eyes as I went to sit down. They’d missed me.
I was an emotional mess for the first few people in line. I could barely say thank you without my voice warbling. When the girl with the flowers finally made it to the front, I had to wipe away the tears. It was the best welcome I could have asked for, and I again thanked fate that I could be here today. It might not matter in the rankings if I raced or not, but to my soul, it meant everything.
About thirty minutes into endlessly signing my name across multiple 8x10 glossies of my face, another familiar, unexpected person stepped in front of me. “Antonia?” Her dark-brown eyes and dark-brown hair—that was now long enough to put into two tiny ponytails—was as unmistakable as her effervescent smile. “What are you doing here?”
Immediately standing up, I gave her a hug, and that was when I noticed who she’d come here with. Hayden. My heart instantly started racing as I drank him in. He was dressed in street clothes, jeans and a T-shirt, and had a baseball cap pulled low over his dirty-blond hair. His eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses, but there was a small, sad smile on his lips. My chest ached at the sight of him, and every nerve was instantly pulsing with pinpricks of pain, like I’d just jumped into an icy lake. I hadn’t seen him since that night at the hospital, when I’d told him to never contact me again. He hadn’t…and while that was what I’d wanted, what I’d needed, it kind of broke my heart.
I was still stretched over the table, holding Antonia tight, eyes locked on Hayden. Antonia giggled and squirmed to get free, and I instantly remembered that I was holding her. I tried to ignore Hayden and focus on her, but that was impossible; it was like trying to ignore a spotlight being directed at my face, blinding me.
Letting her go, I pulled back and peered down at her sweet face. “What are you doing here?” I asked again. My skin felt on fire as the intensity of Hayden’s gaze burned me.
Her joyous smile reminded me of the day she was finally released from the hospital, the day she’d finally fought off the infection that had crippled her for so long. She was one tough cookie, there was no denying that. With a playful shrug, she told me, “I wanted to see you race.”
I unintentionally looked up at Hayden for confirmation. His smile grew just a bit wider, although he didn’t look any happier. “She hasn’t stopped talking about coming here to watch your comeback race, so Tony and I talked Izzy into letting us take her.”
My eyes instantly narrowed in suspicion. “Hookup is here?” If he did something, hurt a rider to win money, well…I wouldn’t keep my mouth shut this time.
Hayden shook his head, like he knew exactly what I was thinking. “He’s just here to watch. We all are…”
His voice was so sad, my throat constricted. A part of me wanted to run over to him, wrap my arms around him, tell him I was stupid, I was sorry, and I wanted him back more than anything. But I couldn’t trust him, and what future did we have without trust? It was better this way, for both of us. I just wished doing the right thing didn’t hurt so much.
Blinking away tears, I looked down at Antonia. “How would you like to sit and sign autographs with me?”
Antonia’s face turned sympathetic, like she understood just how much pain was coursing through me. Then her face sparkled with excitement as my words sank in. “Can I? Really?”
She looked back at Hayden, and he smiled and nodded. “Sure thing, Bookworm. I’ll come back for you later.” With a squeal, Antonia dashed around to my side of the table and sat down in the empty chair next to me. Hayden grinned at her, then shifted his gaze back to me. His smile slipped as he said, “Thank you, Kenzie.”
Again, emotion locked my throat, and all I could do in response was nod. Hayden didn’t leave after thanking me. He just kept staring, and even though I couldn’t see his eyes, I knew he was trying to come up with something to say to get me to change my mind about us. Whatever he came up with would be painful and heartbreaking, and I just couldn’t handle that right now. Even though it felt like I was stabbing myself in the chest, I looked around him and motioned for the next person in line to come forward.
The guy patiently waiting glanced at Hayden, unsure if he should move around him or not, but then he stepped past, pushing Hayden into the background. A flutter of relief trickled through me at the small piece of distance the stranger had put between us. I tried to stay focused on the fan, but even still, I was acutely aware of Hayden. He watched me for a solid thirty seconds longer, before finally turning and leaving. I blatantly stared at his retreating form, until dryness burned my eyes. It had to be this way.
Once the weight of Hayden’s presence was gone, I could focus on the fans and Antonia. Her utter joy at being a part of the festivities lifted my spirits, and, for a microsecond, I actually forgot that Hayden was going to be in the stands…watching me race.
When the allotted autograph time was over, Antonia was alive with energy. Clapping her hands, she proclaimed, “I want to be a rider when I grow up! I want to inspire people like you do! And go really, really fast!”
A laugh escaped me as I put a hand on her shoulder. “Your mom is going to love that. She worries about you enough as it is.”
She pursed her lips in annoyance. “You, Uncle Hayden, and Aunt Felicia do it, so how dangerous can it be?”
Her comment made a stab of pain go through my gut. Felicia. Would I ever hear that name without wanting to throw up? Oddly enough, I hadn’t thought of her once since coming here. I hadn’t seen her either. I flicked a quick glance at the Benneti section, but all their riders had already cleared out. Had she qualified below me…or above me? I didn’t think I could handle her being above me. But it would be fine if she had; she wouldn’t be above me for long.
Just as I was thinking of some way to answer Antonia’s question without either scaring or encouraging her, someone came to collect her. It wasn’t Hayden though. No, it was Hookup who stepped up to the table. For some reason, I felt protective of Antonia with Hookup right there in front of me. That was stupid, though, since she was his niece and he was there for her. I resisted the urge to hold her back as she surged toward him. “Uncle Tony! I’m going to be a motorcycle racer, just like Aunt Kenzie.”
Hookup laughed as he put an arm over her shoulder. “Kid, don’t give your mom another reason to kill me.”
His comment made me want to smile, but I resisted the reaction. “Hayden said you were just here to watch. That true?”
If he gave me any inclination that wasn’t the case, I’d contact the officials immediately. And if they didn’t believe me, I’d find another way to cancel the race, even if that meant giving up my only chance to compete this year. I’d rather miss the opportunity than risk anyone getting hurt.
Hookup sighed as he met eyes with me. “Yes, I’m just here to watch, like all the other spectators. I gave that shit up, Kenzie. I don’t bet. On anything. I can’t…”
His eyes turned sad and remorseful, like he finally understood that there were instincts he couldn’t control, compulsions that managed his life for him. But a part of him still wanted to let them lead the way. He had to resist the desire, just like I had to resist my desire for Hayden. We were both struggling to get away from disastrous cravings, and we both knew it. It was hard to believe I actually had something in common with Hookup now. When did that happen?
Feeling more at ease with Hookup being here, I inadvertently asked, “Where’s Hayden?” I instantly regretted asking, as the question brought him to the forefront of my mind again.
Hookup looked uncomfortable, and seeing that expression on him made me nervous. Was Hayden with Felicia? Had he found her? Did it matter? “He, uh…he’s sitting in the stands. Said he…needed some time alone. I think it’s hard for him to be here…you know?” He scratched his head and looked around, like he was searching for an escape route. Obviously, he didn’t like serious conversations.
Sympathy flooded me. I knew what it felt like to be at the track but not able to race. It was hell. But I’d had Hayden to get me through it. Hayden…didn’t have anyone. No one who understood what he was going through, at any rate.
Eyes on the ground, I quietly asked Hookup, “Do you know which way he went?”
When I peeked up at him, he pointed over to the top corner of the stands. “That way.”
I thanked him, then slowly began making my way to Hayden. Every step I took toward him was slow, deliberate, and painful. My heart shouted at me to turn around and leave him alone, that what I was doing would hurt too much to handle. But my head told me he was in pain, and I couldn’t let him suffer alone. He’d done too many good things for me; I couldn’t completely abandon him.
It didn’t take me long to spot him. He was sitting by himself, in the highest section of the stands, the vast empty track before him. He’d removed his hat and glasses, and was leaning over his knees with his head in his hands. A picture of defeat, if I ever saw one.
He didn’t notice me approaching until I was walking down his row of bleachers. Then he did a double take, like he was sure he was hallucinating. “Kenzie?” he asked, when I was right beside him. “What are you…?”
Wondering if I was doing the right thing, I sat down beside him. “Hey,” I quietly said, my heart pounding in my chest. “Hookup said you were up here, said you were…having a hard time.”
Hayden’s eyes drifted to the course. “I just…it didn’t hit me that it was over until I saw the track. My career’s over, we’re over. Everything’s…over.”
His voice was so sad and quiet, my heart just couldn’t take it. I put my hand on his leg, and instantly wished I hadn’t. A familiar warmth traveled up my arm, all the way to my aching soul. It had been so long since I’d touched him. His eyes immediately snapped to the point of contact, then slowly lifted to mine. The depth of feeling I saw in his gaze made my breath quicken. “Not everything is over,” I whispered.
He tilted his head as he straightened. Somehow, the movement brought him closer to me. “It’s not?” he asked, equally quiet.
I bit my lip, and his eyes wandered to my mouth. “No…” His nearness was intoxicating, the scent of sand and sun strong, and I wanted nothing more than to close the distance between us. But I couldn’t. Inhaling a calming breath, I told him what I’d come out here to tell him. “You can still race.”
Hayden retreated a little, and a moment of disappointment flashed through his eyes. Shaking his head, he said, “No one’s going to hire me, Kenzie. Keith told everyone I was a street-racing lowlife. He even started a rumor that I stole from him, and that’s why he fired me. I’m un-hirable. No one will take a chance on me.”
“I will.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. Shit. But as Hayden’s eyes widened, and the shock wore off, the words rang true. Regardless of what had transpired between us, Hayden was a natural born racer. He deserved the chance to be on a bike, and…I…I needed high-quality riders. From a purely professional standpoint, I needed him. “Ride for me next year,” I stated, my voice confident.
Joy and relief instantly brightened Hayden’s expression, and his hand immediately shot out to cup my cheek. He brought our foreheads together in one smooth, intimate movement that left me reeling. He was so close, he smelled so good, felt so good…all I had to do was let go and let him back in, and we could have everything again.
“Oh, Kenzie, thank God. Thank you, I was so worried you’d never forgive me, never let me back in. Things will be different, you’ll see. I’ll never lie to you again, I promise.”
His head began to shift, his lips drawing closer and closer. His words sparked a painful memory, words I wished I could forget. You said you would tell me the truth. I did…I just never said when I’d tell you. His version of telling the truth, and my version of telling the truth were too different to be compatible. As much as I wanted him, we wouldn’t work.
With every bit of willpower I possessed, I pushed him away. “Stop…”
His expression was confused as he pulled back to look at me. “What’s wrong? Don’t you want this?”
Sadly, I did. But it was something I couldn’t let myself have. “No. You and I are still broken up. That’s not what I was offering you. I just want you to ride for my team. That’s all. Can you do that? Work with me but not be with me?” God…could I do that?
Hayden studied me for several long seconds, and, as I watched, some of the light faded from his eyes. “Yeah…if it has to be that way, and if it means I get to ride, then…yeah, I can work with you without…being with you.”
My chest cracked in two, and I wondered if either of us could actually do this. Like he was thinking the exact same thing, he grabbed my hand. “Kenzie, I swear, if you give me another chance, I can fix this. I can fix us, I just need you to—”
I instantly stood up. “When we get back to California, come by the garage. John will get you set up.”
With that, I turned and walked away. I sped away from him so fast, I might as well have been racing, and I didn’t stop until I reached the Cox Racing garage. After slipping inside, I pressed my back to the wall, closed my eyes, and took a moment to just breathe in the silence. What the hell did I just do? I’d spent all this time trying to keep away from Hayden, and now I’d just invited him into my personal sanctuary. But he would be good for the team, and that was what mattered—the team.
As I was recovering from the heart-wrenching moment with Hayden, I heard laughter in the room, disturbing the momentary calm. Opening my eyes, I looked over to the source of the noise. Surprise flooded me as I spotted both of my sisters standing next to Nikki, John, and my dad. What were they doing here? This race was turning out more people than I ever thought it would.
“Daphne? Theresa?” I said, stepping toward them. “What are you guys doing here?” I felt like I’d asked that question about twenty times today.
My two tall, blonde sisters immediately turned my way at hearing my voice. Daphne gave me a sheepish wave while Theresa put a hand to her heart. “God, Kenzie, it’s so good to see you dressed like that again. As much as this life scares the hell out of me…it suits you.”
She stepped forward to wrap her arms around me, but I was still so shocked to see them, all I could do was repeat my question. “What are you doing in New Jersey?”
Daphne giggled. “We’re here to see you, of course. It’s your first race since…well, it’s been a while.”
Theresa’s expression fell. “And we haven’t been very supportive lately. We both felt we owed it to you to be here.”
She looked over at Daphne, and her smile faded. “Yeah, not being here wasn’t an option. You were there every step of the way for my wedding last year, and I know I was kind of…intense…” Theresa started laughing, making me smile. Daphne smacked her in the arm. “Anyway, I know I was a handful, but you put up with me anyway. I should have done the same instead of listening to…” Her voice trailed off as she flicked a glance at Dad. He frowned, but didn’t say anything. Once again, Dad was keeping silent.
My sisters had already apologized, and I’d already forgiven them, but having them come all the way out here, just to see me do what I loved…it meant the absolute world to me. Holding in the tears was a struggle, but I was managing just fine until I happened to notice Nikki behind Dad; she was crying like a baby. And she hardly ever cried.
Fanning my face, in some vain attempt to curb the tears, I snipped at my best friend, “Stop it, Nikki.”
She was smiling as she cried now. “I’m trying.”
Doing my best to ignore her, I grabbed my sisters and pulled them in for a hug. “Thank you, guys. I really appreciate you being here.”
I took things as easily as I could after that; I needed a break from emotions for a while. I did have a race to compete in after all. But once I felt emotionally stable, I started filling with eager excitement. Just when I was at my limits, vibrating with energy, rearing to get to work, it was go time.
My heart pounded in my chest as I waited in my grid box. I wanted to soar. Discretely, I looked around for Felicia, my rival in this race. Oddly enough, I didn’t see her anywhere. She didn’t make the qualifiers? With how well she’d been doing this year, I found that hard to believe. Which meant…she wasn’t racing. Was that of her own accord? Or Keith’s?
Pushing that mystery from my mind, I focused my attention on the task at hand. I had a lot of eyes watching me, but I felt freer than I ever had before. I wasn’t racing to prove something to my peers, I wasn’t racing to impress my father, and I wasn’t racing to save the team from financial ruin. No, I was just racing for the sheer joy of racing. Anything could happen today, and it would be fine, because all that mattered was the fact that I was here.
The bank of red lights before me shifted to a glorious shade of go-get-‘em green, and releasing the dam of pent-up energy, I surged forward. I shot past three people without even trying, then I dialed in on the person in front of me. One at a time. That was how races were won.
My bike flew over the concrete, creating the illusion that the ground was liquid, malleable, like I could reach down and scoop it into my hands. Leaning low into the corners, I recalled every scrap of training I’d ever been given, and kept my form as close to perfect as I could get it. I raised the bike and adjusted my position at the last possible moment, enhancing my speed, and as I watched in amazement, more competitors trailed behind me.
Even though every corner of my brain was focused on the task at hand, I couldn’t contain my smile, couldn’t stop saying to myself—I can’t believe this is happening. It was everything I’d been missing over the last several months. And yet, it wasn’t quite as perfect as it could have been. Something…or someone…was missing.
There was no number 43 to chase, no smug nod of his helmet, no cocky smack of his ass. But while he wasn’t down in the trenches with me, I knew he was still here, cheering me on in the stands, goading me to do better than he would have, and that phantom drive kept me going through the mental and physical exhaustion.
My body felt numb from the strain of holding my muscles so tight for so long, but I was too close to relax now; the final lap had been flagged…and I was in third place. It would be a monumental personal victory if I could end the race in this position, but the competitive side of me wanted to go for more. Just one more spot, to give me my highest finish ever. That would make my comeback so much sweeter.
Myles was in the lead position, I could just make out his colors and number from where I was. The person in front of me was my old teammate and rival, Jimmy Holden. He’d left Cox Racing when we’d needed him most, so flying around him now would be icing on top of an already amazing cake. He was well within my reach, less than a foot away from my front tire. All I needed was the perfect opportunity to scoot around him, and he’d be mine. The finish line was coming up fast, sparking a bit of reckless impatience inside me, but I squashed it immediately. I wasn’t going to make another careless mistake that could cost me a handful of places. I was going to practice utmost control, and wait for the right moment.
It only took a few more seconds to show itself. A gap, just large enough for me to squeeze by. With a satisfied smile on my face, I punched it through the hole he’d left me…and shot across the finish line in second place. Holy shit. I did it, I actually did it!
As euphoria flooded through me, I thrust my fist into the air in celebration. Maybe it was my imagination, but it sounded like everyone in the stands burst into applause, cheers, and whistles—all for me. Myles had his hand up, too, celebrating his own victory. Glancing back, and seeing I was behind him, he slowed his bike until we were level. Grabbing the throttle with his left hand, he held his right out for me. I eagerly grabbed it, grateful for the friendship and support, and we rode our way to the winner’s area hand-in-hand. God, it felt so good to be back.
***