Chapter 40

Graham

I’m nervous to see her. We arranged to meet at nine-thirty. I’ve been at the cabin since nine with a bit of a hangover. I have no idea what to expect from her this time. I’ve accepted that she might not what to speak to me at all, and I thought that it would make me relax a little about it — if there are no expectations, there’s nothing to mess up.

But all that calm and rational thinking has gone, and my stomach is a clenched fist of nerves.

I went to the school to talk to her. I was hoping that I would be able to corner her there, and in front of everyone, she would have to agree to speak to me, for the sake of appearance. I hoped that being around people would minimize the potential for a scene.

I’d been wrong. Sarah ran from me and hid. Apparently, she doesn’t mind what the people at work think about her. I should have known, of course. Sarah doesn’t seem to care what people think about her. She does her own thing. That’s one of the things that attracts me to her. She has a freedom — being untethered from others the way she is — that makes me envy her and want to be with her, hoping it will rub off on me.

I hear the car coming, and my stomach flips. A moment later, the SUV appears around the bend, and when I see Sarah through the window, my heart skips a beat. I will always have this reaction when I see her. She’s beautiful. Everything about her is magnificent, elegant and graceful.

When she gets out of the car, her eyes flick to mine for a moment. She looks away again immediately.

“Hi,” I say, but it’s the brother-in-law — Larry? — who greets me back, not Sarah. She storms into the cabin to collect her things. I watch her go, and my stomach sinks.

It breaks me to see her avoid me like that. It hits me every time. I know I deserve it after everything I did, but every time it happens, it hurts me all over again.

“Sorry about the other day,” I say to Larry. “For being a bit of a nuisance.”

“Don’t sweat it, man,” Larry says. “I get it. It’s a tough situation.”

And just like that, we understand each other. This guy is on my side. We stand in silence, hands in our pockets, waiting for Sarah to come out, but I don’t feel alone.

“That’s my cue,” Larry says when Sarah appears with a few things for Larry to carry. He walks to the cabin and starts to pick things up, taking them to the SUV. I follow him, but I don’t help him carry anything. Instead, I walk into the cabin, following Sarah. She’s in her bedroom, throwing the last of her things into an open box.

“Can we talk?” I ask her. I’ve asked her for this so many times.

Sarah looks up at me, and I can’t read her expression.

“No,” she says again. God, I need to speak to her. I just need another chance.

“Please,” I say. “At least, hear my side. You don’t have to say anything. You can make of it what you will, but allow me that, at least.”

She sighs and folds her arms over her chest.

“You have one minute. I’m not kidding.”

That’s better than I’ve gotten until now. Concise, that’s what I must go for.

“My sister… Britney… her husband abuses her. That night she called and interrupted us, it was because she called the cops on her husband because he was going after the children.” I watch Sarah’s face register shock as I talk. “I told you how it’s always been her and me, growing up. I had to protect her from him, and I didn’t know how to do it. He’s a monster, Sarah. A monster who hurts my sister. And after she had him arrested, I was afraid he might be so mad, he’d try to kill her or hurt the children to hurt her.”

I’m getting emotional and the words are tumbling out, and I don’t know if it’s about Sarah or Britney anymore. Maybe both. I swallow hard, choking back the tears threatening to fall. I’m not going to break in front of her now.

“I put her in your house so that she was close to me, so that if the son of a bitch tracks them down, I can protect them. I know I was wrong for what I did to you, but I was terrified for Britney’s sake, for the kids’ sake and everything else fell away.”

Sarah is silent for a while when I’m done talking. She blinks at me, and I can’t help but hope she sees the light now.

“I understand,” she finally says. “If the same happened to Monica, I can’t imagine how I would react. We do things for family we won’t do for other people.”

I sigh in relief. She sees where I’m coming from.

“But you could have told me,” she says. “You could have come to me in person and told me you’re my landlord and you needed help with your sister. I would have been willing to make a plan if you just told me the truth.”

“But you might not have considered me,” I say, and I realize the moment I say it, I sound like an idiot.

“You think I would have liked the person who tries to look out for his sister less than I like the guy who kicked me out of my house and deceived me?”

When she puts it that way, I know I acted like a fool. But I told her the truth, and no matter what comes next, I did what I had to do.

“I know I was wrong for lying to you. I felt guilty every day, and God knows there were so many times I wanted to tell you. And I know it’s no excuse, but we were having such a good time together in the cabin, I didn’t want to ruin things. I was wrong for not telling you, though, and I’m sorry. I just want to work things out, Sarah. Will you give me a chance, even though I don’t really deserve it?”

She sighs, and I can see her thinking about it. It’s not a straight no, which is all I’ve been getting lately. That’s a good sign.

“I’ll think about it,” she finally says. Again, it’s more than I’ve had before, and I’m willing to take it. I want to have the chance to talk it all out with her. I need at least one more chance to win her back before I can give up.

“I have to go,” Sarah says, and she carries the last of her stuff to the car. I help her load up, hoping that I’m not helping her walk out of my life completely.

When it’s all done, the three of us stand in an awkward silence. Larry glances at his watch, and it breaks the spell.

“Thank you for your time,” Sarah says coldly and gets into the car. Larry glances at me, and I think he’s trying to tell me to hang in there, but maybe the new friendship him and I have is just a fantasy on my part.

I watch the SUV turn around and drive away again, taking Sarah away from me.

I want her back. I want her to come back to me so that we can fix it. She said she would think about seeing me to talk, and I hope to God she does, that she decides she wants to hear me out. That’s the last bit of hope I have, and I’m going to hold onto it with both hands.