Chapter 43

Sarah

On Friday night, Monica insists we go out. I don’t feel like going out into public, but Monica tells me I’ve been moping around the house too much. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m letting this whole thing with Graham get to me more than I should. So, I get dressed and put on fresh make-up after being at the school all day.

“Does this look okay?” I ask, walking to Monica where she is waiting for me at the door.

“You look fine. It’s just a bar.”

I shrug. I know it’s just a bar, but when I feel as down as I do, getting dressed up always makes me feel better. Or at least, it did. It’s not doing much for me tonight.

We drive to the bar in silence. Monica switches on the radio, and the music is upbeat, but I don’t like it.

“Come on, Sarah,” Monica says. “You have to decide to move on from this for it to actually work. You can’t let it get to you this much. Unless, you feel more for the guy than you’ve been letting on.” She glances at me.

I keep my face turned to the passenger window. Of course, I feel a lot more than I’ve been letting on, but I don’t want to admit to that. A part of me feels that if I admit that I’m still in love with him after everything he’s done, I’ve fallen for a man who can hurt me again. I don’t want to walk down that road.

“You know,” Monica says when I don’t answer. “It’s not a crime to try again.”

I don’t know if she means after Jacob or giving Graham a second chance. I guess it doesn’t matter. Either way, it would be me putting my heart on the line, as if I haven’t already.

“I’m sorry I’m in such a bad mood,” I say. “It’s just a lot for me to deal with. I promise, tonight I will try to be a little bit more cheerful. We haven’t been out together in so long. Usually, I’m the one watching Lindsay while you and Larry go out. This is a nice change.”

Monica nods without saying anything.

When we pull into the parking lot and the place looks packed. We can hear the music all the way from the building, and I see people moving in the windows. I don’t know if I feel up to so many people, but I promised Monica I would be a sport, and she’s right. I can’t let this get to me forever. It’s time to pick myself up and carry on with my life.

When we walk in, I see him. Graham stands at the bar, his back to us, but there is no doubt it’s him. My stomach turns, and I look to Monica.

“Did you know about this?” I ask.

“Know about what?”

I shake my head. Monica is too calm about this. “You set this up, didn’t you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Monica says, but she knows exactly what I’m talking about, and she’s smiling tenderly at me.

“Why?” I ask. “I don’t want to see him.”

Monica rolls her eyes. “We all know you do.”

I opened my mouth to argue with her, but I know she’s right. I do want to see Graham. After he explained everything to me at the park, I wanted to be mad, but I can’t find anything wrong about the way that he acted, except for the fact that he lied to me. Everything else he did was because he’s a nice guy. More than nice. He’s a great guy. And I want to speak to him, I realize.

“I’m just going to sit at that table over there,” Monica says as if she knows I’ve made up my mind. I nod and walk to the bar. Graham still hasn’t seen me, and I have the element of surprise on my side. It makes me calmer. When I know what to expect, I don’t tend to run and hide in restrooms.

“Is this seat taken?” I ask, pointing at the bar stool next to Graham. When he looks up and sees me, shock registers on his face.

“No, not at all,” he stammers.

I sit down and order a drink from the bartender, who comes to me almost immediately. Graham, being the gentleman he is, offers to pay. I let him. A man should never be shut down for trying to impress a woman.

“I’m not stalking you,” Graham blurts out. “This is purely coincidence.”

I shake my head. “Don’t worry. I know this isn’t your fault. I have a sneaking suspicion our sisters arranged this. Did you happen to mention to Britney where you were going tonight? Monica is over there.” I point at the table where she sits, and she lifts her hand in a small wave when Graham looks at her. He looks back at me, pleasantly confused.

“Thank you for the drink,” I add when it arrives.

Graham nods and pulls his glass of whiskey closer. “Thank you for being here,” he says.

He doesn’t add that he wanted to spend time with me for a while, but I can see it on his face. It’s endearing to know that he is that serious about me, that he hasn’t given up when he’s had plenty of opportunity to.

“So, how have you been?” I ask. The best place to start in an awkward situation is by making small talk. It was better than silence at least.

Graham sips his whiskey.

“I’ve been all right. Things are going better. I went with Britney to the courthouse this morning. She filed for divorce.”

“Oh, my God. That’s great news. I mean… it’s not good that any of this is happening, but I’m glad she’s gotten this far. Is she okay?”

Graham nods, smiling. “I think she will be.”

Things seem to be going better now. His sister is getting away from her abusive husband, Graham and I are talking again, and he’s going to help me find a home.

And we’re sitting at a bar, having drinks together like old friends.

“How about you?” Graham asks.

I shrug. “Things haven’t exactly changed much for me, but there’s hope.”

I smile at Graham.

“How about shots?” he offers, and I agree because I can’t think of a reason not to. When Graham orders tequila, he offers me lemon and salt. I go through the routine, and we throw back our tequilas. The alcohol burns through my veins, and it feels good. I like the fiery feeling inside of me. It feels good to let go and relax for a change.

“Here’s to a belated New Year’s,” Graham says and lifts his glass in a toast.

I clink my glass against his, and just like that, everything feels the way it used to between us. Graham and I are suddenly close again, and it’s like everything that happened between now and Christmas was a bad dream. When I look at Graham, I see the man I’ve fallen for, with his oceanic eyes, his chiseled jawline, and dark hair to frame it all. He’s the handsomest man I’ve ever met, and I know it’s the alcohol talking, but I can’t help it.

I love him.

I love him, and I missed him. I missed spending time with Graham. The few days in the cabin were surreal, but they were a taste of what I want my life to be like, and I know now that I want Graham. I want to be with him.