Chapter 41

Sarah

When I wake up, my back hurts and I feel cranky. I don’t sleep very well on Monica’s couch, and I’m restless most nights. I dream of Graham a lot, even though I don’t want to think about him. I guess I can’t stop my subconscious.

I get ready for work again. I must be back in the office today. I don’t feel like it at all, but I can’t ride out the excuse of being sick for more than one day, and I can’t just slack on the job. It’s the only stability I have left in my life, after all.

After I get out of the shower and get dressed, I check my phone for messages and calls like I always do, and there’s a text from Graham. He’s stopped trying to call me because he knows I won’t answer. I don’t delete the texts without reading them first — curiosity gets to me every time.

Can we meet up to talk?

I shake my head at the message. I told him I would think about it, but I’ve barely had time to do that. I haven’t had time for anything other than trying to keep it together after seeing him yesterday. What he told me about his sister runs through my mind, and I don’t know how to feel about it.

I still need time to think.

He doesn’t reply immediately, and I put my phone down, hoping he’ll give up. For a short while, he didn’t do anything, and I started wondering if he was over it. I felt upset about that, which wasn’t something I expected — I enjoy it when he pursues me, even though I won’t admit it to anyone — but now that he’s back on track, I’m confused.

Please, meet with me tonight. I just want to talk. It won’t be anything weird. I just want more than a minute to apologize to you.

At the cabin, he did a good job of summarizing, but maybe he’s right. Maybe he deserves a chance to put it into more words, to explain himself properly. I doubt I’ll change my mind and suddenly agree that he was right in doing what he did, but I’m curious to know what happened, and I don’t know if my rage is warranted anymore, now that I know his reasoning. I’m still upset he lied, of course, but I don’t know how to feel about it all anymore.

Okay. Meet me at Baldwin Park at five.

I decide to meet him at the park because it’s safe and neutral. It’s not my home or his, and it’s not a restaurant or a bar so that it looks like a date. It’s just a casual meeting for a talk, and it can go either way. A moment later, he replies.

Thank you. I’ll see you later.

I’m suddenly nervous again. I don’t know what to expect with Graham. I’m still upset with him, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop a part of me from liking him. I hope that it doesn’t affect how I feel when I see him tonight.

***

After work I make my way to Baldwin Park. In the summer, the park is green, and the playgrounds are full of kids, but now, it’s almost completely deserted, save for one or two couples enjoying a late stroll. The weather is chilly, and I shiver in my thick coat. Graham’s car is already in the parking lot when I pull up and get out.

He’s waiting for a me a bit farther into the park. Patches of snow cover the scenery here and there, and the evergreen trees make it look cheerful despite the cold. When Graham turns around and his eyes meet mine, my stomach erupts in butterflies. I will always have this reaction around him, I realize. No matter how upset I am with him.

I don’t know how upset I am anymore, anyway.

“Thank you for meeting me,” Graham says when I finally reach him. He doesn’t try to hug me or kiss me on the cheek or anything, and I’m relieved. I wouldn’t know how to act.

“How is your sister?” I ask.

“Britney is all right. Thank you for asking. She’s got a long road ahead of her still, but we’ll get there eventually.”

I nod. I don’t know what to say.

“Sarah,” Graham starts. “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. What I did was completely wrong. It came from a good place. I was worried about Britney and the kids. If he keeps hurting her, I don’t know how I’ll handle it. But what I did to you was wrong, and I wished every moment of every day I handled it differently.”

Graham looks emotional. It looks like he starts to tear up, but he turns his head away and blinks. When he looks back at me, there’s no trace of it, so I’m not sure if I was right. I’m surprised by his emotions, though. This doesn’t look like a man who lied just to ensure I didn’t pull away from him. This doesn’t look like a man who just wanted to sleep with me.

“How long have they been married?” I ask.

“Almost ten years,” Graham says

“And she’s been going through this all that time?”

Graham purses his lips tightly together and nods. My stomach flips, and I can start to understand why he did what he did.

“I don’t understand why you couldn’t just talk to me about it,” I say. “It’s terrible, and I feel for you. I can see why you chose my place for them. But why did you lie?”

Graham breathes out with a shudder, as if he’s holding in too much tension. “I don’t know,” he says. “At first, I didn’t want you to know I was your landlord, so we could have a normal relationship. When I decided to evict you…” He swallows hard. “You looked so upset, I didn’t want you to hate me. And after that, it just got bigger and bigger, and the longer I waited, the harder it got.”

I nod and look out over the park, the deserted playground, and the evergreen trees that stand around us like silent spectators, watching the drama unfold. It’s starting to get dark, and the lamps have come on, casting yellow light like halos into the dimming light.

“I was wrong, Sarah. I know that. There are so many ways I could have done it differently. I go through them every day. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. But now, I would just love a chance to make it up to you.”

I glance at Graham. “How?” I ask.

He takes a deep breath, and he looks like there might be a little bit of hope, now that I’m asking.

“I want to help you find a place to stay, a place of your own. I know how hard it is this time of year, and you’re working. I want to help.”

Again, Graham doesn’t come across as someone who lied to me for personal gain, and I’m starting to believe that he really is as sorry as he says he is. Everything about him is sincere and kind. It has been from the start. It’s what made me feel for him in the first place.

“Okay,” I say. “If you can help me find a place, I’ll consider trying again.”

Graham smiles. “That’s all I ask,” he says. “Thank you.”

I nod at him. My phone beeps, a text from Monica, probably.

“I have to go,” I say.

“Of course. Thank you for meeting me.”

We walk together to our cars, and I get in mine first. When I drive off, I have no idea what to think or feel anymore. Graham continues to be nice, even though he hurt me badly, and I don’t know how to be angry with him anymore. I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing.