Chapter 34

Graham

On Sunday, I spend time with Britney and the children. We watch them play on the grass when Britney says the dreaded words I hoped I would never hear again.

“I think I’ve blown this whole thing with James out of proportion. Maybe I should drop the charges.”

“And go back to him,” I add for her, because I know it’s what she’s thinking.

She looks at me. “I love him, Graham.”

I shake my head. “You can’t do this again. This keeps happening. When are you going to realize that this is just a bad cycle that you’re trapped in?”

Britney sighs. “What am I supposed to do? It’s not like I have that many options. A single mother of three? I don’t know how I’m going to do it. And I miss him. He’s not a bad man. He just has problems. Don’t we all?”

“No, we don’t all have problems. Not like that. The problem James has is not forgivable. I can’t believe you’re back at this.”

It’s been long enough since James’s outburst. Every time Britney is away from him for a while, his mistakes seem smaller and less significant. The pain goes away, the fear subsides, and everything he put in her head about his undying love for her comes back, and she runs to him again.

“You can’t tell me what I should do with my life,” Britney says.

I nod. “You’re right. I can’t. If you want to go back to that abusive son of a bitch, it’s your choice. You don’t have to go to the courthouse and file for divorce. You’ll get enough to sustain yourself, by the way, with the charges against him.”

Britney sighs. “It’s not about money. I don’t have enough without him, but I don’t want to leave him. You know what love is like. What if I can’t live without him?”

She’s right. I know what love is like. I know how it feels to ache for someone now, and how much it hurts not to be with that person. I know that now, more than ever. But Sarah isn’t James. James is a psychopath who doesn’t seem to understand the line between anger and violence, and he can switch off his humanity for a while. It’s a problem that’s not going to go away.

I don’t say it to Britney. I’ve said it to her a million times before. Saying it again isn’t going to change her mind now, when it hasn’t before.

“It’s not okay to go back to him,” I say. “If you want to endanger yourself, like I said, go ahead. But if you don’t file for divorce, I’m going to fight for custody of the kids.”

Britney pales, her face shocked.

“You can’t take my children away from me.”

“Oh, yes, I can. Sending them back to live with James means they’re in danger. Even if you drop the charges, the police report is still a matter of public record. It’s all I need to show the state what’s happening behind closed doors at that house. They’ll strip you of your parental rights without hesitation. If I have them, at least you’ll be able to stay in their lives. Either way, it’s not right to make them go back to that. I can’t stand by and let you do that to them.”

Britney’s eyes well up with tears, and they spill over her cheeks.

“Oh, God,” she cries. “You’re right. You’re so right. What am I doing to them?”

I feel bad for forcing my sister’s hand, but she can’t go back to James.

“What am I going to do?” Britney asks in a soft voice.

“You’re going to file for divorce,” I say. “You’re going to stay close to me, and we’ll figure it out. You can be happy without him. You can be safe. And just as important, your children can be safe.”

She nods.

We watch the children in silence. They’ve been happier since they moved in next door. I can see a difference in them. If they go back there, they’ll die. Maybe not physically, and maybe not right away, but they’ll die emotionally. And that’s a crime.

“Thank you, Graham,” she says. “I don’t know what I would do without you. You’ve done so much for us, put us first, even when it ruined your own life. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”

I reach over to her and squeeze her shoulder.

“You’re my sister. It’s been me and you against the world since I can remember. I would do anything for you.”

Britney is still crying, and I wish I could make it better for her, but she’s taken that first step. As long as she sticks to the plan, she’ll get better in time. She has a long road of healing ahead of her, but there is still hope. She can find happiness. She can learn from what she did wrong and move forward. Maybe she can find a man who will be good for her, who will respect her the way she deserves to be respected and take care of her.

In the meantime, I will do what I’ve always done, even though I’m the younger brother. I’ll take care of her and make sure she’s safe. Since our parents died, I’ve been doing that for her. Britney and I have been a team against everything life threw at us. We can do it again. We’ve gotten through so much hell before.

I know that we’ll make it happen for her, and that’s enough for me. Even if I can’t make it happen for myself.

“I’m so sorry how things worked out with Sarah,” Britney says, as if she knows that I’m thinking about her again.

I shrug. “It’s okay. I think it was one of those things that just wasn’t meant to be.”

“You can’t believe that,” Britney says.

“Why not? It’s not working out. What am I supposed to do?”

“You can’t just give up. You’re the one who’s taught me to fight for what I want. Even if it’s going to be hard. And with this, it will be. You don’t just leave it there. Right?”

I sigh. “Right. But she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’ve tried to talk to her, tried to call her, to text her. She really doesn’t want to hear from me ever again. She made it very clear, too.”

“That’s not an excuse,” Britney says, and I stare at her, incredulous.

“It’s easy for you to say,” I retort. “But you forget how badly I messed up, and how angry she was when she left here.”

Britney nods. “I know she was angry. And I understand why. But you love this woman. It’s a big deal if you, of all people, fall in love with someone. And as far as I can tell from what you told me about her, you had good reason to fall for her, too. A woman like that, emotions like yours, shouldn’t be ignored. Do something about it, Graham. Allow yourself the chance to be happy again.”

I chuckle. “We’re a pretty pair, aren’t we?” I say. “We’re both lecturing each other on what we should and shouldn’t do, but we’re not that great at actually doing it.”

Britney laughs, too. “Yeah, we’re not. But we give great advice. We should try take it.”

I smile. I like seeing Britney like this, so carefree and positive about life — except for one lapse, she’s been doing great since she decided to leave James. And maybe she’s right. Maybe I should fight for Sarah the same way I’m telling her to fight for her freedom.

The only difference is that Britney’s freedom can’t tell her it wants nothing to do with her. Which is exactly what Sarah has told me.