Chapter Seventeen − In Another's Shoes
He had smiled at her, had he not? A real smile that had even touched his eyes. Had it not been meant for her?
Shaking her head, Madeline headed down to the kitchen, doing her best to conceal the disappointment that her husband had once more chosen to avoid her. As promised he had slept in the stables, leaving his own bed to her while Elsbeth and her husband had been shown to Madeline’s chamber.
Rather curtly, he had bid her goodnight, and it had felt like a slap in the face. Although Madeline could not say what she had hoped for, his reaction had shattered any hopes she had entertained. For some reason, he seemed more distant now than ever before. Was it because he believed her to have been unfaithful with Lord Townsend?
It was the most likely reason.
What man would not be upset about this?
Somehow Madeline had to let him know that nothing…or at least not much…had transpired between her and Lord Townsend. But how? How to begin? How to find the words? And the courage?
As she stepped into the kitchen, Madeline stopped, surprised to see her friend whispering confidently into her mother-in-law’s ear. Bessy chuckled, her eyes aglow. “I shall not breathe a word of this to anyone. Ye have my word, my lady.”
“Oh, I don’t mind,” Elsbeth exclaimed. “I only meant for the ton to be kept in the dark about this for as long as possible. I do not like the way they whisper and distort the truth, even with a truth as innocent as this.”
“Ye’re right to do so, dear,” Bessy agreed, nodding her head vigorously. “A pure heart and mind are the makings of a happy life.” Then she reached for the long wooden spoon on the table and caught sight of her daughter-in-law standing in the doorway. “Madeline, good morning, my dear. I hope ye’re hungry.”
Feeling left out, Madeline bid both women a good morning, her heart aching as she found herself so easily replaced in both her friend’s as well as her mother-in-law’s regard. Would there ever be anyone she could measure up to?
“I’m glad you’re here,” Elsbeth whispered before she seized Madeline’s hand and pulled her forward. “I wanted to speak to you before the men came down.”
“Is something wrong?” Madeline asked; however, judging from the deep smile on Elsbeth’s face, the news she had to share had to be good.
Gripping Madeline’s trembling hands with her own scarred ones, Elsbeth met her eyes, the grin on her face growing ever wider. “I’m with child,” she whispered, utter joy and happiness rolling off her in waves as though she could infect the whole world with her own delight.
“Congratulations,” Madeline offered, uncertain how she felt about her friend’s news. Certainly, she was happy to see Elsbeth happy, and yet, there was a part of her that felt as though she had suffered a loss.
“I know you’re not utterly fond of children,” Elsbeth continued, for the moment unable to see her friend’s distress as her own joy overpowered everything else. “However, I do hope that you will make an exception for mine.” Suddenly, the smile slipped from her face, and her hand went to cover her mouth.
“Are you all right?” Madeline asked, honest concern chasing away all thoughts of envy, as she guided Elsbeth to the nearest chair. “What can I do?”
Elsbeth remained still for a moment. Then she swallowed. “I’m fine. It’s only my stomach that seems to disagree with me in the mornings. Bessy said she’d make me a special tea.”
Bessy?
At the sound of her mother-in-law’s name on her friend’s tongue, Madeline could not help but wonder how Elsbeth always managed to find her way to people so easily when she herself was so lost. After only a matter of hours, it seemed Elsbeth fit in at Huntington House as though she had always lived here while Madeline still stuck out like a sore thumb after more than two months.
It was frustrating, to say the least.
While Elsbeth rested, slowly sipping a special tea Bessy had prepared for her, Madeline and her mother-in-law went about setting the table. Then Bessy disappeared, taking a tray with breakfast in to her daughter and grandson.
“Are you feeling any better?” Madeline enquired, noting the paleness that still clung to her friend’s cheeks.
Smiling up at her, Elsbeth nodded. “I do. Fortunately, it never lasts long; at least not, if I remember to eat a little something early in the morning.”
Footsteps echoed to their ears then, and as the two women looked up, their husbands came walking into the kitchen, lost in conversation about the repairs planned for that day. Both dressed in simple breeches and shirts, they looked nothing like the titled men they were, and for a moment, Madeline gawked at seeing the respectable marquess looking like a commoner. Never would she have thought to see the Marquess of Elmridge like this, and yet, he seemed to wear his new outfit with ease as though it represented his true self as much as his finer clothes did.
“Do they not look handsome?” Elsbeth whispered from her chair, a large smile on her face as her gaze slid over her husband’s frame appreciatively.
Madeline sighed, “You love him very much, do you not?”
“I do,” her friend whispered, her gaze still fixed on her husband as though she was lost in a trance. Then she blinked, and her head turned upward to look at Madeline. “From the first moment I saw him, I knew I could love him, and I’m happy to have been given the opportunity to feel the way I do.” Then Elsbeth’s gaze narrowed slightly, and a question came to her eyes.
A question Madeline chose to ignore. “Shall we eat?” she asked, turning to the two gentlemen and gesturing for them to sit.
Across the table, Elsbeth met her eyes, and Madeline knew that their conversation was far from over…but merely postponed.
As expected, by the time breakfast was finished and the men climbed onto the roof to see to the most urgent repairs, Elsbeth drew Madeline to the front hall where they donned their coats, scarfs and bonnets and headed outside.
So early in the morning, a chilling wind blew across the fields, and Madeline shivered, clutching her arms around herself. “Should we not rather return inside? I can barely feel my toes.”
Elsbeth laughed, her cheeks aglow. “Please, only a little longer. Somehow the cold wind in my face makes me feel so alive.” As they walked down the path to the pond, her friend sighed, “It’s beautiful here-- and peaceful. You must come here a lot.”
Madeline nodded, unable to keep a small smile from showing on her face.
“What is it?” Elsbeth instantly demanded, a suspicious and slightly mischievous gleam in her eyes.
“It is nothing,” Madeline said, trying to evade the question. However, the way her friend fixed her with a daring stare told her that she would have no such luck. “Fine. You said it was peaceful here. Well, for me, it’s rarely peaceful because I rarely come here alone.”
Elsbeth’s eyes sparkled as a large smile drew up the corners of her mouth. “Does your husband accompany you then? I had no idea you were this close. At supper last night, there seemed to be a certain distance between the two of you.”
Madeline cringed at her friend’s rather accurate observation. “Not my husband,” she quickly said before sadness could overwhelm her. “Collin.”
“Collin?” Elsbeth’s eyes opened wide. “You mean your new nephew? But I thought you did not like children. At least, you’ve always rather convincingly stated that very fact.”
Madeline shrugged. “I wouldn’t say I like children but−”
“You like Collin?”
Again, Madeline shrugged, realising that she had never thought about it. “I don’t know,” she said, trying to find the right words to describe how she saw her little nephew. “He’s so…so tenacious. He knows what he wants, and he is not afraid to fight for it. At the same time, he is very sweet and compassionate.”
“It sounds like you admire him,” Elsbeth commented, the corners of her mouth drawn up into a delighted smile. “Does that frighten you?”
Madeline drew in a slow breath, her gaze fixed on the horizon as the clouds moved across a greying sky. “How can someone so young be so…so at peace with himself?” she whispered into the wind. “I’ve spent my whole life searching for the person I wanted to be, the person that was simply me, and I still am not sure if I’ve found her or if I’ll ever find her.”
“You worry too much,” Elsbeth spoke from behind her. “You are who you are simply by being yourself even if you do not have the words to define who that person is. I’m certain Collin does not worry about that.”
Madeline chuckled, then turned to look at her friend. “I suppose not.”
“What about your husband?” Elsbeth asked as she stepped forward, her gaze seeking Madeline’s. “Have you spoken to him?”
Madeline snorted, “Argued is a more appropriate word. We seem to be unable to engage in a civilised conversation for longer than a few minutes.”
“What do you argue about?”
Sighing, Madeline shrugged, “Sometimes I think it’s nothing specific. We are simply very different people from different worlds, and sometimes I think that is the reason why we cannot seem to find the right words to say what we think and how we feel.” As the last word left her lips, Madeline’s eyes grew wide and she sucked in a sharp breath.
“How you feel?” Elsbeth enquired, reaching for Madeline’s hands when she tried to turn away. “Don’t run. You know you want to talk about this or it would not have slipped from your tongue.” With an encouraging smile, Elsbeth gazed into Madeline’s eyes, her hands still wrapped around her friend’s. “You feel something for him, don’t you?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“You’re afraid so? Why would you say that?”
Madeline shrugged, trying to free her hands from Elsbeth’s grasp, but her friend would not yield. “Because it complicates everything,” she snapped, unable to turn her gaze from Elsbeth’s piercing blue eyes. “We are not a good match. We never would have been. Under no circumstances. But maybe we could have been civil. Maybe we could have found a way to get along despite our differences.” She sighed, feeling the full force of her confusion envelop her. “But now, with the way I’m beginning to f−”
“You’re afraid to have your heart broken,” Elsbeth whispered, a knowing look in her eyes as she spoke, and Madeline realised it had not been a question, but a statement.
“Have you ever felt like that about your husband?”
Her friend nodded. “Of course, I had doubts. Even before we were married. After all, ours was not a love match, either, and I feared that he would not be able to see past my scars and see only me, the person I am and not the person others thought me to be. I was afraid to reveal to him how I felt, afraid he would not feel the same way, afraid to have my heart broken.”
Staring at her oldest friend in bewilderment, Madeline drew in a slow breath. “Why do I not know this? Why did you never speak to me about this before you were married? And even after, I… Now, it seems to me that you’ve always held back in that regard. Did you not trust me to advise you?”
“I never meant to keep this from you,” Elsbeth said in an appeasing tone, her hands gently squeezing Madeline’s. “But back then, you were at a different point in your life. Like me, you were not married and had no experience in that regard. I knew you wouldn’t be able to advise me, and I didn’t want to worry you.”
Madeline sighed, unable to ignore the sting of disappointment about the fact that her friend had not confided in her. “And so, you spoke to no one? You found a way all by yourself?”
Elsbeth shook her head. “No, we all need someone to talk to, someone who will listen, someone who will share their own thoughts and feelings.” She swallowed then, an apologetic look in her eyes. “I spoke to my cousin Rosabel. At that time, she had been married for over a year, and her own marriage started out like ours. She knew what it meant to fight for her husband’s love, and she knew the fears I had.”
Madeline drew in a slow breath. Of course, Elsbeth’s reasoning was correct, and yet, she had always been a little envious of Elsbeth’s and Rosabel’s relationship. Although cousins, they had always seemed like sisters from the moment Rosabel had come to live with Elsbeth’s family after her parents’ deaths. All her life, Madeline had wished for a sister, someone who would always be at her side no matter the geographical distance between them, someone who would confide in her before anyone else. Deep down, Madeline had always known that Rosabel was Elsbeth’s first choice.
Once again, she could not measure up. As much as she always tried to portray herself as the world-renowned lady, desired by all, sought after by all, Madeline knew that when it truly mattered, no one would choose her. “And what did Rosabel tell you?” she asked, knowing that at least in her own mind she would once more judge herself in comparison to Elsbeth’s true confidante. “What did she advise you to do?”
Elsbeth smiled. “She told me to have faith in myself and in him.” Nodding, she held Madeline’s gaze, her eyes imploring. “She told me that we all are afraid, even the men we marry, that it was important to see the other as they truly are and not in a way we fear they might see us. She told me to be honest and truthful…and to risk my heart for only those who dare to love can ever truly find love.”
Blinking back tears, Madeline swallowed, knowing that she would not have been able to put her friend’s mind at ease the way Rosabel had.
“Look past his title,” Elsbeth urged, “past his humble upbringing and see the man he is. Forming a good marriage takes time and effort, but you have a chance to build a wonderful union, just as you’re building a new home for your family. This is a new beginning. Seize it. Seize this chance. Don’t turn from it and hide because you’re afraid.”
“What if he does?” Madeline asked, unable to stop the tears from spilling over. “What if he turns away…for whatever reason? What if he cannot help but regret that he married me? What if every time he looks at me, he only sees that? Regret!”
Elsbeth shook her head. “You’re allowing yourself to look at him with a fearful heart. It distorts the image you see because it is only a reflection of your own fear…not the truth.”
“I can’t…I don’t know how to…”
“Do you care for him? Or at least, do you think you could?”
Madeline sighed and for a moment closed her eyes. “There are moments when I think I do,” she whispered, reluctant to meet her friend’s gaze. “And moments when I think he cares for me as well, but then in the next, I doubt that he ever could.” Gritting her teeth, she shook her head, her voice urgent and laced with a touch of desperation. “I know in the beginning I judged him harshly and thought myself superior to him. However, now I fear it is the other way around. How can a man with so much skill and confidence, decency and courage care for a woman who knows nothing of the real world? A woman who wouldn’t survive a day outside ballrooms and tea parties? A woman who is nothing but accomplished in the most useless areas of the world?”
Elsbeth swallowed, her eyes serious as she held Madeline’s gaze. “Is this how you see yourself? Or how you fear he sees you?”
Unable to answer, Madeline turned away, her eyes catching sight of her husband’s tall figure as he carefully balanced on the side of the roof, Elsbeth’s husband by his side. Even from a distance, he looked like a force of nature as though his will alone could move mountains and shape the world to his expectations.
“Did you tell him about Lord Townsend?” her friend asked, stepping up beside Madeline.
“I was about to,” Madeline admitted, “when you arrived last night.”
“Will you try again?”
Madeline shrugged, feeling worn out. Never in her life had she found the simple task of breathing, of going on, so tiring and exhausting and utterly draining.
“Be honest with him, Madeline,” her friend urged. “Even if he suspects nothing of what happened, he might sense that you’re keeping something from him and that will drive you apart.”
Madeline swallowed, shaken at hearing her own thoughts uttered out loud. “He does suspect,” she whispered. “I think he tried to ask, but then changed his mind.”
“Maybe he’s afraid of the answer,” Elsbeth suggested. “How would you feel imagining him with another woman?”
Madeline cringed, unaware how much she had come to think of him as hers. “I’m…afraid he won’t forgive me,” she whispered, her voice choked as she tried to hold her emotions at bay. “I’m afraid he will turn from me and never look back.” She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. “He slept in the stables last night. He prefers that to my bed.”
Elsbeth sighed, “Once again, you see what you fear to see.” Grasping Madeline by the shoulders, her friend turned her around, Elsbeth’s blue eyes seeking her green ones. “But you don’t know what the reason for his actions is, and you cannot know until you ask him. Maybe he did so out of respect for you,” she suggested, nodding her head encouragingly. “Maybe he thinks that you do not want him, and he respects you too much to force his presence on you. Has that ever occurred to you?”
Madeline shook her head, afraid to allow herself to believe that he thought of her that way.
Because if she did so and it turned out that he did not, it would tear her heart apart.