Chapter Seven − To Set Free
“Are you certain this is a good idea?” Tristan asked, eyeing Derek with a critical brow, the tone of his voice clearly suggesting that he disagreed.
“I never said it was,” Derek grumbled as he set down the bag packed with his few belongings by the front door. “It is merely the lesser of two evils.”
Shaking his head, Tristan rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic! She’s your wife. Why do you refuse her company?”
Unwilling to discuss his marital state, Derek squared his shoulders and met his friend’s questioning gaze without flinching. “You are one to ask,” he chided, hoping it would redirect his friend’s attention. “After all, was it not you who did the same thing, trying to avoid your wife’s company whenever possible?”
Tristan grinned. “Don’t try to change the subject. Yes, I did, and, yes, it was the worst idea I’ve ever had. I should never have tried, and it did neither her nor me any good. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble and heartache if I’d simply had the courage to admit to myself how I truly felt about her.” Taking a step closer, his friend’s gaze seemed to drill into Derek’s, his blue eyes full of meaning. “Don’t make the same mistake,” he counselled, placing a hand on Derek’s shoulder. “I know that you care about her. As good as you are at hiding how you truly feel−even from yourself−love is too strong to be ignored. It will make itself known, and no matter how far you run, you won’t be able to free yourself of it. Believe me.”
Inhaling a deep breath, Derek nodded, seeing the truth of Tristan’s words on his friend’s face. But did he love her? How could he? He barely knew her, and yet, there was something about her…something he could not quite name…something that made her different…something…
However, it did not matter, did it?
“My situation differs in one key aspect from yours,” Derek finally said, determinedly ignoring the touch of regret that came to his heart as he spoke. “She does not care for me.” Instantly, his friend’s mouth opened to object, but Derek lifted a hand to stop him. “Quite the opposite. She hates me for ruining her future, her life.”
“How do you know?”
“She all but said so last night,” Derek admitted, a sense of failure washing over him. “She said she was now trapped in marriage to the wrong man.”
Tristan’s brows drew down as his gaze narrowed in suspicion. “Townsend?”
Gritting his teeth, Derek nodded.
“She does not know who he truly is,” Tristan counselled, his gaze imploring. “Remember that she does not know what he did.”
Derek inhaled deeply. “I cannot help but wonder if it would change her opinion of him if she did know.” Lifting his gaze, he met Tristan’s eyes. “She does not know Townsend, but neither do I know her.”
“Then get to know her!” Tristan insisted, vehemence and a touch of exasperation in his voice. “Which will be more difficult if you are in the country, and she is here. Take her along. Spend some time with her.”
Derek shook his head. “I cannot. After everything I’ve already done wrong, I do believe that would be the biggest mistake I could make.”
Frowning at him, Tristan held his gaze, a question in his blue eyes.
Derek sighed. “My mother always said that only those who can leave will ever be able to choose to stay.” Remembering the morning, he had left his family to join the army, Derek felt a smile tug up the corner of his mouth. Years had passed since that morning, and yet, he could remember it so clearly as though it had happened the day before. That decision−his decision! −had changed his life. For better and for worse.
But it had been his. Not his mother’s.
Despite her own reluctance, despite her fear that he would not return, she had let him go.
Only now did Derek understand how strong she had been then.
“I’ve always made my own decisions,” Derek said, relieved to see a spark of understanding in his friend’s gaze. “As I did that night at the ball. Only this time, my decision took away hers, and she has every right to hate me for it.”
“Maybe all she needs is time,” Tristan suggested. “Yes, if you put it like that, she’s suffered a loss. However, after a while, her anger will subside, and she will be able to see what happened with different eyes.”
“I doubt it.”
“And yet, you have hope,” Tristan insisted, an annoyingly delighted smile drawing up the corners of his mouth as his quick eyes searched Derek’s face. “Although you may not admit it to yourself, you hope that if you let her go, she will choose to stay with you.”
Derek swallowed, remembering only too well the shock on his wife’s face as he had all but told her to have an affair with the man he despised like no other. Had he been mad? What if she…? Gritting his teeth, he shook his head, unwilling to picture his wife in the arms of another man…any man…let alone that man. And yet, if he had not, would she feel trapped for the rest of her life? Bound to him by circumstance? Not by choice?
…out of my own free will…
Her words echoed in his mind, tormenting him. No, she had not chosen him. Out of her own free will, she would have chosen Townsend…and he was certain it would not have ended well for her. But it would have been her choice. For better or for worse.
Just like his sister.
She had made her own choices.
And they had cost her dearly.
And yet, he still had hope that she would find happiness again someday.
“I’m not certain what I’m hoping for at this point,” Derek said as he stepped back and picked up his bag. “All I know is that I need to return home and see to my family. That is all that matters now.”
Tristan nodded, his face sober once again. “I understand, and I’m happy for you.” He stepped forward then and grasped Derek’s shoulders, strong emotions lighting up his blue eyes. “Thank you, my friend, for everything you’ve done, for watching over me all those years at the expense of your own life and happiness. I will not forget it.”
Uncomfortable with his friend’s words of praise, Derek merely nodded. “I only did what was right as did you when you helped my sister that night when she needed someone, and I wasn’t there. You did not know her or me, and yet, you did not hesitate to help…and you did not ask for anything in return. Those are the true marks of a gentleman, are they not?”
Tristan grinned as a touch of red rose to his cheeks. “Is it selflessness you speak of? To take care of others before thinking of yourself? Is that not exactly what you’re doing right now? Allowing your wife to choose?”
Drawing in a deep breath, Derek stepped back and turned to the door. “Believe me, I’m not being selfless at all,” he said, striding toward the grand double-door entrance.
“Because you’re hoping for something in return?” Tristan asked from behind him.
Stopping in his tracks, Derek turned his head to look at his friend. Then he sighed and nodded. “I fear I cannot help it.”
“I don’t think it’s wrong to hope for your wife’s affections,” Tristan stated, his gaze serious as he shook his head. “As long as you don’t forget to reveal your own.”
Derek nodded, uncertain if he would ever be able to do so, and yet, had he not all but confessed to her last night that he had wanted her from the moment he had first seen her? Turning his head, Derek glanced up the winding staircase to the upper floor where his wife was still in her bedchamber, asleep.
“I promise I shall look after her,” Tristan promised solemnly. “No harm shall come to her.”
Derek nodded. “Thank you.” For a moment, he hesitated and the muscles in his jaw clenched as he opened his mouth once more. “But do not…interfere with her choices.”
Tristan drew in a slow breath as his gaze held Derek’s, needing to make certain he understood his friend’s meaning. “If that is what you wish.”
Hardly, Derek thought, but it is what I must do!
“Were you not going to say goodbye?” a female voice chided from the landing of the large staircase, and for a split second, Derek’s heart felt as though it would jump out of his chest. However, then he realised that his ears had deceived him, and that it was not his wife standing there, but Tristan’s.
A teasing smile drew up Beth’s lips as she came toward him. “You thought I was she,” she observed with her shrewd ability to read other people’s thoughts. “You wanted it to be her.”
Ignoring her comments, Derek cleared his throat. “I apologise, my lady. However, I wished to set out early and thought it rude to wake you at such an hour.”
With a twinkle in her eyes, she stepped forward. “And you didn’t think it rude to leave without bidding me farewell?”
Beside him, Tristan chuckled. “She got you now, old friend.”
Shooting a warning glance at his friend, Derek inclined his head to Beth in apology. “You have my sincerest regrets for not considering your sensibilities, my lady.”
Now, it was Beth who chuckled. “I do not want them,” she said, a teasing tone to her voice as she slipped her arm through her husband’s. “What I want is your assurance that we will see you again soon.”
Derek tensed. “At present, I have no intention of returning to London any time soon.”
“I see,” his friend’s wife continued. “In that case, we shall be the ones to pay you a visit.”
“As soon as I’ve been able to finish the repairs at Huntington House,” Derek agreed as a looming suspicion crawled up his bones, “you shall be the first ones to see it. However, it will probably be a while.”
As expected, Beth shook her head. “I’m afraid I cannot agree to this,” she objected in a stern voice, and yet, her eyes sparkled with mischief. “From what you told us of the estate’s condition, that could take years.”
Derek inhaled a deep breath as his friend intercepted his wife’s suggestion. “As we are to travel to Scotland for Christmas, I suggest we stop at Huntington House on our way.” Raising his eyebrows in question, Tristan looked from his wife to Derek. “Only for a few days.”
Knowing when he was defeated, Derek nodded. “It will be my pleasure.”
Beth smiled. “I doubt it, but it will be mine.”
Once more, Tristan chuckled, and Derek noticed his arm tightening around his wife’s as she leaned against him. Those subtle intimacies spoke of great trust and devotion. And yet, it had not developed over night. It had taken time. Their start into marriage had been rocky as well.
Maybe there was still hope for his own marriage. Maybe…
Derek shook his head, determinedly pushing all thoughts of his wife away. After all, he had more important matters to think of now.
And so, bidding his friends goodbye, he strode out of the house, mounted his trusted horse and turned northward…toward home and family. And although he did his utmost to think of the work ahead and nothing else, deep down Derek knew that it was an exercise in futility.
Even if he tried, he would not be able to forget Lady Madeline.
Especially now that she was his wife.
***
All the confusion that had seized her heart the night before was still there when Madeline opened her eyes the next morning. Reminding herself that she was a guest in someone else’s home, she found herself wondering what today would bring. Her husband would travel to his estate and as his wife she ought to go with him. However, he had made it clear the night before that he did not desire her company. Had he not all but told her to stay in London?
Leaving her room, Madeline ventured down the large staircase, trying to remember the location of the breakfast parlour. As her wedding day had passed in a blur, she had paid little attention to her surroundings. However, as her feet reached the ground floor, her hostess’ voice called out to her.
“Lady Ainsworth, I hope you slept well.”
Turning to face the golden-haired viscountess, Madeline nodded, trying her best to hide the uncertainty that held her rigid. “Yes, I did. Thank you. It is very kind of you to allow us to stay here.”
A deep smile came to the woman’s face as she grasped Madeline’s hand. “Oh, it is our pleasure. Derek…Lord Ainsworth is a very good friend of ours. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like.”
Surprised at the viscountess’ familiarity, Madeline tried to remember what she knew about the woman who had opened up her home to her. However, apart from the scandal that had led to her marriage to the viscount−not unlike the scandal that had led to Madeline’s own marriage−she could not recall any details. After all, before today the viscountess had been of no concern to her. “Thank you,” she finally said, displeased with the need for gratitude because of her new situation forced upon her. “However, I do believe my husband is intent on returning to his estate sometime today and−”
“He already left,” the viscountess interrupted, her clear blue eyes watching Madeline openly…and yet, without any sign of judgement.
“He already left?” Madeline echoed stupidly, unable to wrap her mind around the enigma that was her husband. Why had he not bid her farewell? Had he been afraid she would have insisted on accompanying him? Had he been that desperate to rid himself of her?
Madeline sighed, trying her best to hide her disappointment. He truly did not want her, did he?
“He left this letter for you,” the viscountess said, her voice gentle, as she placed a small envelop in Madeline’s hands. Then she looked up, and her gaze came to rest on Madeline’s. “He is a good man, one of the very few I’ve met,” she said, her voice full of confidence as though she were whispering secrets to a dear friend. “I have no doubt that he had a very good reason for what he did at Lord Kingsley’s ball.”
Madeline tensed, her fingers curling around the paper in her hands.
“He is a most honourable man,” the viscountess continued, her eyes imploring, and for a moment, Madeline thought the woman knew more than she let on. “He is too proud to force a woman into marriage only for his own desires.” Gently squeezing Madeline’s hand, the viscountess nodded to her. “Go and read the letter. I shall hold breakfast for you.”
“Thank you,” was all Madeline could say in that moment as her heart and mind ran rampant. As she all but fled the foyer, the viscountess’ words echoed in her head: …for his own desires.
Thoroughly confused, Madeline pushed open the door to the library and then closed it firmly behind her, momentarily resting her back against the hard wood as her breath came in panting gasps.
At every turn, her new husband seemed to push her away, and yet, there had been moments the night before when Madeline had thought to see desire in his eyes. Was there a part of him that felt for her? Or was it only her body that tempted him on occasion?
Staggering across the floor, Madeline sank into a large cushioned armchair and broke the seal. Then she hesitated, staring at the small, simple crest, trying to picture the man who now bore it. Where had he penned this letter? And when? Late last night in a state of anger? Or this morning with a clear head?
Knowing that there was no other way to find out, Madeline unfolded the parchment. Her eyes were met with a simple, clear handwriting.
Lady Ainsworth,
I offer you my renewed apologies for the circumstances of our nuptials. I assure you I had no intention of forcing your hand, nor was it the thought of your dowry that bade me follow you that night.
Madeline frowned. If not her dowry, what reason could he have possibly had? Judging from his rejection the night before, neither had it been desire that had led him down the dark hallway to the moonlit drawing room to find her alone.
I meant what I said last night. I give you free rein over your life. Live it the way you choose. I will not stand in your way. However, should you ever have need of anything, please do not hesitate to call on me and know that you’re always welcome at Huntington House.
My sincerest regards,
Lord Ainsworth
Suddenly feeling utterly exhausted, Madeline slumped back in her chair and closed her eyes. Her hand fell to her side, and the letter floated to the floor. How had her life ever become this entangled that she could not tell up from down?
Still, her husband had not given her a reason for his actions at Lord Kingsley’s ball. And while it appears he did not care in the least how she conducted herself, he still offered his assistance should she have need of it. Did he care about her well-being or not? Was it merely his duty as her husband that forced him to make such an offer?
Again, Madeline’s thoughts returned to Lord Townsend and her own hopes for that night, which had been so cruelly dashed. Again, she remembered her new husband’s reaction whenever Lord Townsend’s name had fallen between them last night. Again, she wondered why a husband would grant his wife leave to have an affair…and with a man he despised no less.
Why?