Chapter Thirty-Five − Three Little Words
Lying in his bed, Derek listened to the sounds of the house as one by one its occupants found their way to their chambers turning in for the night. As the minutes ticked by, a comfortable silence fell over the house, the howling wind outside the only sound that remained.
He sighed, wishing he had not been condemned to spending the day in bed, recuperating. His mind itched with the need to know what had happened, to see that everyone had been taken care of, to ensure that everything was as it ought to be.
It was not that Derek doubted his family’s devotion, their sense of duty or their skills to handle a situation like the one they had found themselves faced with that night.
He did trust them.
And yet, it was almost painful to relinquish control and step back, to not hold the reins and ensure everybody’s well-being. It was a new experience for Derek. One not easily made.
Soft footsteps reached his ears as they headed down the corridor toward his chamber.
Lying completely still, Derek listened, his gaze narrowed as it fixed on the door, wishing it were open so that he might know who it was. His wife? His mother? An intruder?
A silent groan escaped Derek’s lips as he once more found himself lost in his own mind, always expecting the worst. Ought he get up? What if someone had entered the house and was now−
With a soft creak, his door slid open, and Derek’s breath caught in his throat as his heart stopped beating. Then he saw his wife, dressed in her nightgown, step over the threshold, her dark eyes finding his instantly, and his heart almost jumped out of his chest. “Madeline?” he whispered, not certain whether he was dreaming or not. “Is something wrong? What are you doing here?” Pushing himself up, he searched her face.
Something was different about her, and his pulse immediately sped up as a sense of panic seized him. However, in the next instant, he took note of the warm glow that clung to her features, the tender smile that curled up her lips as well as the sense of peace that radiated from her. Although there was a moment of hesitation in her step, she quickly recovered and approached his bed, her dark green eyes shining like two stars in the night sky. “How are you?” she whispered, and the sound of her voice felt like a caress to him.
Derek swallowed, “Better. Thank you. And yourself?” At a loss, he looked at her, trying to determine why she had come. Judging from the look on her face, he did not think that anything was wrong.
“I’m cold,” she replied, and her gaze slid to the thick blanket keeping him warm. “May I?”
For a split second, Derek felt his eyes widen as surprise took him. Then he nodded, suppressing a cough, and scooted back a little as she lifted the blanket and slid under it, her warmth instantly filling the bed.
A soft smile came to her face as she looked at him across the pillows. “With all these guests here,” she said, a bit of a teasing tone coming to her voice, “our supply of firewood is dwindling. Would you mind if I stayed here tonight?”
“Not at all,” he replied, gazing at her as though she was a sprite risen from the earth itself. “You must be tired after everything that’s happened today.”
Pulling the blanket closer around her shoulders, his wife sighed, a sense of peace playing on her features. “I am,” she whispered, and her warm breath bridged the small distance between them, brushing over his lips. “And yet, I’ve never felt this…” Shaking her head, she sighed once more, unable to find the right words to describe her emotions.
Nodding, Derek smiled knowingly. “Although I admit I did not care for it during the moment, I was very impressed with the way you took control tonight.” He chuckled, “You were born to guide people, to put them at ease, to take care of them. It feels good knowing that.”
At his words, a soft blush rose in to her cheeks and she blinked her eyes rapidly as though to fend off tears. “It feels good to be needed,” she whispered in a low voice as though afraid to betray a secret. “All my life, I’ve always felt as though nothing I did mattered. Not truly. And so, I thought−hoped−that if I married well, I would feel differently. That my life would receive meaning.” Closing her eyes for but a moment, she shook her head. “But I was wrong. I think I knew that even before…that night at Lord Kingsley’s ball.” Biting her lower lip, she smiled at him. “For everything that made me desirable to all those suitors did not come from me, not truly. It was not me they wanted. Deep down, I always resented them for it. And yet, I had no idea that there were other ways to feel…worthy, to come to respect oneself. I don’t ever want to lose that.”
Derek nodded, amazed at the depth of her thoughts. “Within a matter of weeks, your whole life has turned upside down, and although you were…disheartened and afraid, you did not simply resign yourself to your fate. You fought,” he smiled at her, “and you won. Not only have you gained respect for yourself, but also from others. And that is no small feat.”
Holding his gaze, Madeline swallowed, “And what about love?”
Taken aback, Derek inhaled deeply through his nose, his gaze locked on hers, and he realised that the moment had finally come. If he turned away from it now, he would lose her for good. And so, he gathered every bit of courage he could find and prepared to bare his heart and soul to her. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” he began, “however, I admit that I feared your answer.”
She drew in a soft breath, and her eyes widened in surprise. “I did not think there was anything that you feared. You always seem so…confident and self-assured.”
“I try to be,” Derek replied with a soft chuckle, “and I’ve come to realise that life has hardened me. There are not many things these days that get to me, that get under my skin and make me feel…”
When he hesitated, she leaned closer, her gaze holding his. “Make you feel how?”
“Vulnerable,” he finally admitted, and the look of understanding that came to her eyes was like a balm to his soul. “Opening one’s heart to someone makes one vulnerable, and I was not prepared to do so. I had my family, and I always thought that was enough.” He swallowed, “And then I saw you.”
***
Madeline’s heart thudded in her chest so wildly that she feared she might faint…for the first time in her life. Her husband’s gaze held hers, and his words washed over her like a warm summer rain. “I saw you, and my world became…unhinged,” he said, the muscles in his jaw tensing as he fought to get out the words. Never would Madeline have thought that a man like her husband would speak to anyone the way he was speaking to her now. “Everything changed, and although I tried my best to…prevent it, to protect myself and keep you at a distance, it didn’t work. Even when you were not around, I saw you in my dreams and found you in my thoughts.” He drew in a long breath, and she could see the pulse in his throat racing as though he had just come running all the way from London. “For a long time, I did not dare admit it to myself, but now I know,” he swallowed, his dark eyes holding hers, “that I love you.”
At his words, Madeline’s breath caught in her throat and tears shot to her eyes. Her lower lip began to quiver as she looked at him, her vision becoming blurred. “I had no idea,” she whispered as her throat closed. “I thought it was only me.”
He frowned, then reached out and gently wiped the tears from her eyes.
His touch sent a shiver down her back, and her skin tingled in the wake of his caress. “I love you, too,” she whispered, and her heart danced in her chest as his face relaxed, all the tension falling from him, and his lips drew up into a heart-breaking smile. “I came to love you, and for a moment, I think we were happy. But then…”
“Then something happened,” he finished for her, a confused frown drawing down his brows as his gaze held hers, asking. “Suddenly, there was a distance between us that I couldn’t understand.”
Madeline nodded. “I saw you with Meagan.”
His frown deepened. “You saw me with−?” Then his eyes suddenly sprang open wide. “You thought−?”
“I did,” Madeline admitted. “A part of me couldn’t believe that a man like you would ever truly feel love for a woman like me. At that point, I still felt as though I had nothing to offer. Nothing but a pretty face and a large dowry.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I know now that I was wrong to think so.”
“Not that I want to contradict you,” Derek began, “but how do you know?”
Remembering her conversation with Meagan, Madeline smiled. “I asked her if there was anything between you two.”
Her husband’s eyes widened. “You did?” he chuckled.
“What?”
“Nothing. I simply have never heard of a wife asking her husband’s potential affair for confirmation of their relationship.”
Rolling her eyes, Madeline bit her lower lip as a smile drew up the corners of her mouth. “I didn’t think of it like that. I…I like her, and I didn’t want to believe…that… But I had to know. I had to be certain.” Shaking her head, she sighed, resting her head on the pillow. “In truth, I should have asked her−or you−a long time ago. It would certainly have saved me−us−a lot of heartache, don’t you think?”
Her husband nodded.
Holding his gaze, Madeline took a deep breath, her hands trembling as she contemplated asking the one question that had been on her mind since the night they met. “Since we’re being honest,” she began, “there is something I would ask you.”
Again, her husband nodded. “Ask me anything. I promise I will tell you the truth.”
“It’s about the night at Lord Kingsley’s ball.”
Instantly, his jaw tensed.
“I simply want to know why you came after me that night,” Madeline asked, feeling her heart thudding in her chest. Although he had already confessed his love for her, her mind still sought to understand everything that had happened that night. To know for certain why she had ended up his wife.
Drawing in a deep breath, Derek swallowed, his gaze travelling around the room. “I…eh…Well, as I told you before, I knew that Townsend was a far cry from the gentleman society believes him to be, and when I saw him−”
“I know about Kara,” Madeline interrupted.
Instantly, his gaze snapped to hers. “What?”
Madeline nodded and told him about the night she had first seen Collin’s mole and realised who his father was.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Madeline shrugged. “Well at the time, I still thought…I had just seen you with Meagan and…”
“I see.” Inhaling deeply, Derek wiped a hand over his face. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. It was not my secret to tell, and I didn’t want to put Kara in a position to reveal something so deeply personal about herself unless she truly wanted to.”
“I understand.” Madeline chuckled, “However, it would have made things easier had I known.” He nodded in agreement. “Then tell me now.”
Reaching across the pillows, her husband took her hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I admit that a part of me−I suppose it was the more conscious part of me−followed you that night because I thought it my duty to protect you from him. I knew what I knew, and although I could not reveal it to the world, I reasoned that at least I could ensure that he did not catch you alone, take advantage of you.”
Madeline sighed, having expected as much. “That’s what I thought after Kara told me the truth, and I admit it almost made me lose hope.”
His hand on hers tensed, and a deep frown came to his face. “What? Why?”
“Because it meant that you did what you did out of duty, and not because you cared for me.” She sighed, “And I wanted you to care for me.”
A soft smile came to her husband’s face, and his thumb began brushing gentle circles over the palm of her hand. “Although I didn’t realise it at the time, I did care for you, and when they found us alone together, I knew that I ought to try to find a way to set you free, but I couldn’t.” He shook his head. “I didn’t want to lose you. Not even then. Not even at a time when I still thought that you were as wrong for me as I was for you. No matter what, I still wanted you. As I do now.”
Staring into her husband’s eyes, Madeline saw the truth of his words, and her heart almost burst with joy. “You truly love me, don’t you?” she asked, shaking her head in awe.
He smiled. “I do, and I have for a while.”
“I love you, too,” she whispered, brushing a hand over his cheek, “and also for a while.” Remembering the day she had arrived at Huntington House, Madeline smiled. “You never answered me.”
A frown came to his face, and his eyes, which had begun to drift lower, returned to hers. “What do you mean?”
“When you kissed me the day I arrived here,” Madeline began, seeing recognition light up his eyes, “I asked you about the way between husband and wife. I asked if you could simply pull me into your arms and kiss me whenever you wished.” Unable to keep from grinning, Madeline bit her lower lip, feeling a sudden flush rush to her cheeks. “And I asked…if I was free to do so as well.”
Her husband laughed, “As I recall I told you that you were free to do as you wished in every regard, did I not?”
“Did you mean it?”
He inhaled deeply. “I did not. Not then.” A slow smile curled up his lips as his gaze once more drifted lower. “I do now.”
Feeling the air rush from her lungs, Madeline flung herself into her husband’s arms, her lips claiming his in a passionate kiss.
For too long, they had been apart, afraid to reveal how they felt. But that was over now. And Madeline was determined not to waste another minute. No matter what, she would claim what she wanted, and she wanted him.
And from the way he responded to her kiss, he wanted her just as much.