Twenty-Four
Brock
I can’t believe that she just came in here and broke up with me and walked away like that. I had spent the past twenty-four hours planning our life together, and it was over that quickly. I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have let myself fall for her. I’d never done it before, and I hadn’t lacked for women in my life. I don’t know why Molly should have been any different.
I went over and opened the door. I was telling myself all of this and at the same time, thinking about going after her. My head was pounding. It hurt like it used to when I first got sick. But it wasn’t the tumor this time; it was my brain trying so hard to process all of this. I thought things were good. No, I thought things were great. I thought she was falling for me too…I closed the door. She was already gone, and she obviously didn’t want me to come after her. I had made a big fool of myself already, begging her to stay and telling her I’ll wait for her. I didn’t know what else to say though, it was the truth.
What was all of that stuff about Tammy? I had to wonder because it almost seemed like she was trying to convince me that I had choices. I know that I have choices. She knows that I think enough of myself to know I have choices. I don’t want choices…I want Molly. I felt like that eight year old kid again, the one whose mother was moving across the world. I wanted to have a fit and make her stay. Only Molly wasn’t moving across the world, and in a way, that would be worse. I would still have to see her…and then what? Pretend like I didn’t know her? Make polite but stilted conversation? For the first time in my life I had allowed myself to look into the future. I was getting better…my meds were working, I finally felt like I was beating the big “C” word, and right then I had met the most wonderful girl in the world. At the risk of sounding like Jake, I had met my soulmate.
Something happened between the time she left here yesterday morning and now. Was it just too much time to think, or something else? Maybe it was about her being sick. She hadn’t wanted me to know to begin with, but once I found out, there was nothing left to hide. Was there? Is she sicker than she let on? Should I go find her and ask? If she loved me though and that was the case, wouldn’t she want me by her side?
I felt so damned helpless and stupid at the same time. I don’t think I was wrong about her though. I stood there, dumped and still believing that she cared about me, and that she wanted to be with me. I was turning into Tammy now. Maybe I should stalk her.
I sat down on the couch and thought about the past twenty-four hours. She had gone to see her grandma. I wish I had her number, maybe that was the key. Maybe she told Grandma that we had slept together, and Grandma was upset. Maybe she was breaking up with me out of some kind of shame, or regret.
Grandma might be the key, but the one who would know for sure what was going on and what I should do about it…would be Megan. I got up and went to find my phone. I dialed Megan’s number…and Jake answered.
“Hey man, where’s Meg?” I asked him.
“She’s here we’re having an early dinner. What’s up?” he said.
“Can I talk to her?” I said. Why the hell didn’t she answer her own phone?
“She really doesn’t want to talk right now…” I could tell Jake didn’t know what was going on. Megan was avoiding me and he had no idea why.
“Jake, hand her the phone. Please.” I heard them exchange a few tense words. I felt bad because I knew she was going to be mad at Jake, but right now I didn’t care. She finally got on the phone and I said, “Megan, please don’t lie to me. Tell me what is going on with Molly.”
“What do you mean?” she said. God, she was a terrible actress.
“Megan, please…” I was almost in tears. “Please come and talk to me.”
I must have sounded pathetic, because she sighed and said, “Okay, Brock. We’ll be there soon.”
I hung up, and while I still had the phone in my hand I called Molly. I knew it was a desperate move, but I couldn’t stop myself. It went straight to voice mail. I didn’t leave a message…I didn’t know what to say.
True to her word, Megan and Jake were there in twenty minutes. Megan must have already told Jake that he didn’t want to be around for this because he said, “I’m going to get some studying done at the library.” He grabbed his backpack and kissed Megan and said, “Just call me when you’re done.” Then he looked at me with something akin to pity in his eyes and said, “See you in a bit, man.” I just nodded at him. Jake’s a good friend.
Megan sat down and so did I, and then I said, “Please tell me what is going on with Molly.”
“What did she tell you?” Megan asked me.
“She said that she was breaking up with me because she doesn’t want a boyfriend. I don’t believe that though Megan. Things were…beautiful. They were perfect. It doesn’t make any sense.”
Megan looked like she was thinking about what she was supposed to tell me, and comparing it to what she wanted to tell me. Finally she said, “Brock, you know how much I like you, and how much I love Molly. But even though Jake and I spent all that time trying to push you guys together, this is between you and her now. She did tell you from the beginning that she didn’t want a relationship. Maybe we all should have left her alone.”
“You don’t mean that, Megan. You saw how happy she was with me lately. She was only worried about the cancer at first right? She thought that I would walk out on her the way that her slime-ball ex did. I would never do that though, and I think she knows that.”
Megan looked at me then with tears in her eyes. I could tell she was trying to hold them back, and I knew that there was a lot more to this story.
“Leave it alone, Brock. Please.”
I stood up. I had all of this nervous energy that I didn’t know what to do with. I had to do something. I couldn’t just let the best thing that had ever come my way walk out of my life.
“I’m not going to leave it alone, Meg. I’ll go find Molly; I’ll turn into a stalker if I have to until she tells me what’s really going on.”
One of the tears in her eyes escaped and rolled down her cheek. I felt bad, but I knew she was coming around, so I was happy at the same time.
“She asked me not to tell you, Brock. She made me promise. I’ve never broken a promise to her. She’s my best friend, she’s like my sister.”
“I know that, Megan. That’s why I called you. I know you want her to be happy, and I know you would have never set her up with me if you didn’t think I could make her that way. Whatever you tell me, I swear to you that I won’t use it to hurt her. I won’t use it at all, unless it’s somehow to help. Megan, I love her. I’m in love with Molly.” I didn’t want Megan to be the first to know that, but Molly wouldn’t let me say it earlier. I might never get the chance to say it to her. Someone had to know.
She was crying now, and I knew that she wanted to tell me. I waited her out, and finally she said, “She’s sick, Brock.”
I sat back down.
“Sick like, she has cancer? Because I already know. I have it too, did Jake tell you that?”
She looked at me strangely, like she didn’t know. Man we were a damned good bunch of secret keepers that was for sure.
“She’s sicker, Brock,” she said at last. “Her last kidney is not working any more. They’re going to take it out.”
I felt like someone had just reached down my throat and ripped out my guts. My stomach was burning and the pounding in my head reached maximum force and volume.
“Then what?” I asked, not sure that I wanted the answer.
Megan shrugged. “They put her on the waiting list for a transplant, and she’ll have to have dialysis after the surgery.”
I didn’t know what else to say. I wanted to leave right now and go to her. But I knew that would just make her mad…at me, and at Megan. God, why did this have to happen to her? She’s such a good person and she has so much life ahead of her. I let myself wallow in that for a moment and then I looked at Megan and said, “When’s the surgery?”
“Early next week,” she said.
“I know there have been a lot of secrets, but can you not tell her I know? Just please call me if she needs anything, and let me know when they schedule the surgery for sure.”
Megan nodded; she was still crying as she looked at me and said, “She thinks she’s going to die, you know? That’s why she’s so afraid to let you be close. She doesn’t want you to get hurt like that.”
“I know,” I said. “But she’s not going to die, she’s going to fight, and she’s going to have all of us right there by her side while she does. And when she’s better, a year or two or three from now, I’m still going to be there. I want to be there forever.”
Megan smiled and said, “She’s lucky to have you.”
“No, Meg. I’m the lucky one. I didn’t even know what I was missing until I met her. Thank you, for bringing her into my life.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Molly
Megan and I met for lunch after my appointment with the transplant surgeon. She was acting weird, she had been since yesterday. But I had dropped a lot in her lap by telling her how sick I was, and making her promise not to tell Brock. I knew that it was wrong. He was her friend too, and I was asking her to keep this from him, when I knew he was probably asking her what’s going one.
Brock had only tried to call me once. I’d been on the phone with Grandma, and I had rejected his call. He didn’t leave a voicemail. Maybe this was a good sign. Maybe he was going to take this better than I thought. Maybe I had given myself too much credit for being unforgettable.
“So what did the doctor say?” she asked while we waited for our salads.
“He said that I am a good candidate, like Dr. Harris did. Because I’m healthy otherwise, and I’m young, it will put me up a few slots. The list is not short, however, and they were realistic about the odds of it happening any time soon; they’re slim.”
“I’m sorry, Molly. You just have to stay strong, and be patient. I believe in my heart that we’re going to dance at each other’s weddings, and throw baby showers together and grow old and wrinkled while still gossiping about the neighbors.”
I laughed, but I wasn’t so sure she was right. I wanted her to be, but I had to be realistic. Having false hopes was not going to help me anymore than it would have Brock.
“So,” she asked, “Any word on when the surgery will be?”
“Yeah, Dr. Harris called me a little bit ago. It’s scheduled for early Monday morning at eight. My grandma will be there though, so you don’t have to take the time off from school…”
Megan was rolling her eyes at me. “Are you crazy? Did you think wild horses could keep me away?” I didn’t, but I thought I should say so.
“You’re a good friend Meg,” I said.
“The best,” she said with a grin. There was sadness in her eyes though. I didn’t know if it was about the surgery, or what I had done to Brock. Either way it was my fault, and I hated hurting the people that I loved…all the time.
The next few days passed quickly. I tried to go about my business and not think about the surgery and the aftermath. I couldn’t stop thinking about Brock, and I couldn’t stop dreaming about him at night. I thought about taking a sedative, or at the very least a dose of Nyquil, because every time I closed my eyes I had some kind of dream about him singing to me, or holding me, or kissing me, or making love to me. I would have to wake up every morning and remind myself all over again that it was over. It was like my heart was breaking over and over again. I lived in fear of running into him, of having to come face to face with the hurt I’ve already caused him. I hoped that he had given up, or was at least resigned to do so. I hoped that he would move on, and be happy. He deserved to be happy.
Monday morning my grandmother showed up at five a.m. to take me to the hospital. Megan was up getting ready. She hugged me tight and told me she would be there, and she would see me when I woke up. Grandma and I didn’t talk much on the way there. What was there to say, really? When we got there, the nurse asked us to wait while she got things ready and as we sat there shrouded in doubt and anxiety….and Brock walked through the door. I must have looked shocked because Grandma said, “Oh, you weren’t expecting him?” Brock heard her and said, “No ma’am. She wasn’t expecting me. I’m sorry to intrude, but can Molly and I talk for a few minutes?”
Bless her old loyal heart; Grandma looked at me to make sure it was okay. I guess he already knew, obviously, so what did I have to lose at this point? When Grandma stepped out I looked at him and said, “I wish you wouldn’t have come.”
“Why, Molly?” he said. He looked like he truly didn’t know.
“Brock, you’re not even twenty years old yet. This is not what you signed up for. Today is only the beginning; I still have a long and chaotic road ahead of me…if I make it through today.”
He reached for my hand and he said, “I wish that you didn’t think there’s a chance you won’t make it. I want everything to be on your side, Molly, even your attitude and your will. I only met you a few months ago, and I already can’t imagine a world without a Molly.”
That made me smile and I couldn’t pass it up. “You know, it’s a silly name, but I think if I left the world, there would be a few more left behind.”
He didn’t smile. I don’t think he liked my joke. “If you died, part of me would die with you…but I would be a better man for just having known you. So there goes your argument for “What if I die?” I don’t believe in my heart, however that you’re going to die. So what that means is waiting for transplants and enduring dialysis. What that means is a busy schedule. I want to be there for all of that Molly. I want to be by your side. I want to read to you while you’re on the dialysis machine and I want to brush your hair when you’re in the hospital and hold your hand while you wait to hear about the transplant. I want you, Molly. Not just the you who’s healthy and happy and having a good day. I want the real you. I’m in love with the real you. I’m so much in love with you, Molly. My heart physically aches for you.”
Did he say love? He’s in love with me? My chest started to hurt and I could barely take in a breath. Why did he have to say that? I love him too. I love you too. Say it out loud, Molly. What have you got to lose? He said it.
“Brock,” I started.
“Don’t tell me to go away again, Molly, because I’m not going. I’m sorry, but I’m not leaving.” He wouldn’t stop talking, so I leaned over and pressed my lips to his. That did it. He kissed me back, with a passion, and my chest really ached from lack of oxygen then.
“I was just going to say, I love you too,” I told him. The look on his face was enough to die for after that, and I realized that if I did die today, at least I left knowing that I had experienced life’s greatest gift, the love of a good man.
After we kissed some more and he held me for a while, I sent him back out to get Gran who we had forgotten about. Poor old Gran. Megan and Jake got there, just before they took me back to the OR. Meg hugged me and told me she loved me, and then to my great surprise, so did Jake. That one almost put me over the top.
As they wheeled me back in my lovely paper cap, Brock held my hand. When we got to the door the nurse told him, “I’m sorry, sir. You’ll have to wait in the waiting room now.”
He bent down and kissed my lips once more. I wanted to put my arms around him and let him lift me up and carry me away from all of this. But I didn’t. I decided to suck it up and take it like a woman, especially when he said, “I love you Molly, with my whole heart. I’ll be right here when you come out, okay?”
I nodded. He was blurry through the tears, but they were good tears, happy ones. I was headed to a room where they were going to take out a vital organ that I literally couldn’t live without for very long, yet I was happier than I ever remember being. Crazy, I know.
“I love you too, Brock,” I told him.
I watched his face until the doors had completely closed on him. When they got me into the OR, the anesthesiologist was waiting for me.
“Hi Molly, are you ready to get this done?”
“What’s the hurry, Doc?” I asked him. “You have a tee time?”
He laughed, “I wish we could keep you awake, you’re a lot funnier than Dr. Harris. He’s kind of flat as a matter of fact.”
“Yeah, I can’t imagine why. Dealing with cancer is hilarious.”