Chapter Thirty-Three
Max
I called my brother that morning to let him know that I was finally going to get a chance to talk to Madison. The more I spoke to him the more I realized what an idiot I had been all along.
“What’s wrong with me?” I had said to him over the phone.
“How much time do you have?” he teased.
“Why did I walk away from the one real thing in my life?”
“For that very reason,” I guess. “This is the first woman you have ever loved.”
“Love? I like Madison a lot, but I’m not sure it’s love.”
Xavier had laughed. “Hmm, okay then. Let me know when you figure it out.”
“Figure it out?”
“You love her, Max.”
I made my way over to the restaurant, with the words ringing in my ears. Did I really love Madison? I liked her a lot. I liked her more than most people. But I wasn’t sure if I loved her. Then again, what did I know about love? I had never been in love before. I had never understood how some people threw the word around so easily. I had watched people fall into relationships quickly, and within weeks they were telling each other that they loved them. Months later, they wouldn’t be together. Yet, despite this, they’d meet someone else, and the process would happen all over again. Wasn’t love supposed to be something special? It had lost its meaning over the years. But not to me. I was very aware that I had never been in love. I’d had a few girlfriends, some more serious than others, but I had never loved them. Each time, I’d hoped it would become love, but there had always been something missing. I wasn’t sure if it was love that I felt with Madison. But I was sure that she was not someone I was ready to let go of just yet. I had made a huge mistake, and I was willing to own up to it.
The restaurant that I had chosen was a little Chinese restaurant near to where we lived. It wasn’t overly romantic, but it had a nice atmosphere. I didn’t want her to think it was a date, but I also wanted to be somewhere that offered a nice environment for conversation. I found a small table at the back and with my face to the door, I waited for her to come in. Ten minutes in, the waiter asked if everything was fine and I assured him that she was just running late. But almost half an hour into arriving, I was starting to wonder if she would ever show up. Madison was never late. It was one of the reasons why the two of us got along so well. We were always on time for everything. Madison was either proving a point or else she had simply changed her mind. At exactly half past seven, I thought about getting up and leaving, and then breathed a sigh of relief when she walked in. As usual, Madison was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I had a feeling she hadn’t made an effort to show me that she wasn’t interested in me. But what she didn’t realize was that she still looked beautiful regardless. Her plan had backfired for sure.
“You’re late,” I said as she walked in.
She raised her eyebrows. “Yeah? So? This isn’t a date,” she said and sat down.
I chuckled. “Doesn’t make it any less rude.”
“Ah, but you’re the king of rude. I’m only following in your footsteps.”
“Touché. So, what do you think of the restaurant?” I said and gestured around me.
Madison looked around and nodded. “It’s no ‘pastrami sandwich café, ’ but it’ll do.”
The waiter came by to take our order, and once he was gone, Madison looked at me.
“So, are you going to tell me why you wanted to talk or are we just going to sit here and pretend like nothing is going on?”
“You see, that’s what I’ve been missing. Nobody else is a straight talker like you. I have to skirt around other people in case I offend them.”
“Oh, I have no trouble when it comes to offending you. In fact, I relish it.”
I laughed. “I’ve missed you, Madi.”
“Max, what’s going on? Seriously, you’ve been so weird. One minute we’re friends, we’re partners, we’re something else that I don’t really want to discuss right now. The next you’re telling the chief that you don’t want to work with me anymore. You ignore me for weeks. And now, you want to have dinner and joke around with me like old times. I’m not your puppet, Max. You can’t just decide when and where you will be friends with me. Either we’re friends, or we’re not.”
I sighed. “You’re absolutely right. And that’s why I wanted to meet with you tonight. I wanted to meet up with you so that I could apologize for the way that I’ve been acting.”
“Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? I know I’m just one of the guys, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. And that’s got nothing to do with me being a girl, and everything to do with me being a human being. You can’t just play around with my emotions that way. It’s not fair on me.”
What was wrong with me? Why had I not taken into consideration how she must’ve felt when I just walked away from her like that. I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing when it was clear that I was just being a coward.
“I’ve missed you,” I said again. My voice came out in a whisper that took both of us by surprise.
“I’m not going to tell you that I missed you,” she said.
I smiled. “I know. I understand. Can I explain myself?”
“You better,” she said.
“That time that we shared in the safe house was probably the best few weeks of my life. I have always felt comfortable with you. It’s why we worked so well together as partners. But I didn’t realize just how much I liked you as more than just a work partner. I still cannot believe that I went through so many years ignoring that feeling. But the moment we kissed, I knew that it was what I had always wanted.”
She shook her head. “No, you didn’t. You have never liked me, and the only reason you thought you did was because you had no memories of our time together. The moment your memories came back you realized just how much you didn’t actually feel for me.”
I stared at her in shock. “Is that really what you think happened?”
“Sure. It’s the only explanation. How else do you explain going from hot to cold like that? Your memories returned, and with them, you realized that you didn’t like me in that way at all. Then you felt so guilty for leading me on, and you didn’t know how to tell me that you had changed your mind. So, you stopped seeing me, and you told the chief that you didn’t want to work with me. Simple.”
I shook my head. So, she’d been thinking that the whole time? It made sense now that she said it out loud. If the roles were reversed, I would be thinking the same thing too. I sighed.
“I’m an idiot. Such an idiot,” I said.
“I agree,” she said, and I laughed. How I had missed this!
“That’s not what I was trying to do at all. I actually thought I was doing the right thing. Madi, the reason why I didn’t want to see you anymore was because I didn’t want anything to happen to you again. It was my fault that the team was in danger that day. I should never have been so careless. And Blake . . . .” I said and shuddered. It was still hard for me to think about his betrayal. “If it wasn’t for me, he would never have known so much. I let him in because I trusted him. But I should’ve never trusted anyone except for you and the chief. I did this to you. You almost died twice because of me.”
“But Max, you saved me twice. Don’t you see? This has nothing to do with you. This would’ve happened regardless. We all trusted Blake. It’s not your fault. Nobody blames you.”
“Yeah, I know. But I still blame myself. And . . . there’s something else.”
“What’s that?”
“What happened with you and me . . . .” I started but at that exact moment the waiter came by with our food, and we had to wait until he left. The waiter didn’t seem to notice at all that we were in the middle of a serious conversation and continued to talk to us like nothing was happening. When he left, we both chuckled awkwardly.
“We should’ve just started talking about sex and watched to see how nervous he got,” she said, and despite the low lighting, I noticed that she blushed slightly at her words. I resisted the urge to tell her how cute it was.
I chuckled. “Yeah. We should’ve. Madi, what happened with you and me . . . I wasn’t with you because I had lost memories. The lost memories just helped me make the first move. It’s been tough not being with you now. I’ve missed you so much, and even just looking at you now makes me wish we were back in that safe house.”
“So, why just end it? I don’t understand.”
“Well . . . I thought that you didn’t want to be with me.”
“What do you mean? I never once gave you that impression. I never once said I didn’t want to be with you. We might not have spoken much about the situation, but I never told you that I didn’t want to be with you. In fact, I thought that I had made it pretty clear how much I was enjoying myself.”
I nodded. “I know. But . . . Madi, we’ve been partners for years. Why were we never together? You didn’t ever once make a move on me.”
“You never once made a move on me,” she said back.
I chuckled. “God, we’re so stupid. I guess I just didn’t think you liked me in that way.”
“And I never thought you liked me. We’re hopeless. I don’t know why we weren’t just honest with each other from the start,” she said, and I could see that she was finally starting to forgive me.
“Yeah, that could’ve made things a lot easier. Maybe neither of us wanted to ruin the friendship. And working together probably didn’t make it any easier. But we should’ve just been honest.”
“So, what does this mean? What happens now?” she asked.
I shrugged. “I have no idea. All I know is that I’ve had the worst time without you and I made a huge mess of it all. I’ve never been great with showing my emotions. Clearly.”
She laughed. “Neither have I. And I’m glad you are apologizing. You know, for two people that get along so well I’m surprised it was so difficult for us to tell each other how we felt. I wanted to talk to you about it the entire time in the safe house, but I was sort of scared for the conversation. After years of just being your partner and nothing else, it was nerve-wracking to take that step. I still don’t really know what I want from this.”
Relief washed over me. “Neither do I. All I know is that I don’t want us to stop being friends. I’ve hated not talking to you, Madi. This week has been torture. It’s been one of the worst weeks of my life. Everyone at work has noticed too. I heard some guy calling me mopey when he thought I couldn’t hear him. I didn’t even go up and confront him because I knew it was true. I was moping around. I kept thinking how much I hated working with these new guys, but they must’ve been thinking the same thing about me.”
“Oh yeah?” she said. “It’s been a breeze for me. One of the easiest weeks of my life.”
I laughed. “You cut me deep, Madi. You cut me deep.”
After that, things between us were easy. Conversation flowed, and we laughed so much that the people at the table next to us kept looking at us strangely. We ignored them, though. We had a lot to catch up on, and we had never really cared about what other people thought of us in the first place. It felt so good to have her back in my life again. I silently thanked Xavier for pushing me to talk things through with her and reminded myself to tell him as soon as I could. Life just didn’t seem the same without her there. I was surprised again at how comfortable I felt around Madison. Even after everything we had been through, we still managed to get along better than we did with anyone else. It was fun. And after everything that had happened, we both needed a bit of fun in our lives.
After the meal, we ordered a cup of coffee.
“Think the coffee is good here?” I asked.
Madison shrugged. “I don’t know. The food was amazing, but I’ve never tried their coffee. Let’s give it a go. It can’t be that bad.”
We ordered a cup each, but the moment we took a sip, we both grimaced.
“Could it be? Is this stuff perhaps worse than the coffee at the office?” I said.
She chuckled. “It might be worse. I never thought that even possible. That was revolting. It’s like dirty water; what the hell did they just give us? I’m not sure I can even have another sip.”
I pushed my cup away. “Same here. I think it’s going to make us sick. They make such great food here, you’d think their coffee would at least be drinkable. I guess they’re not exactly known for their coffee here. Which is a pity because I could’ve really used a decent cup right now.” I didn’t actually care all that much for coffee. I just wasn’t prepared for the evening to be over. I wanted to squeeze in as much time as I could with Madison.
“Well,” she said coyly. “We could, uh, you know, have a cup at my house? I mean, if you want to of course.”
I grinned. “Best idea you’ve had all day, Madi.”
“Oh, I’m full of good ideas.”