I gripped the railing with every step I took. I couldn’t look up, only down at my Keds. The sides were scuffed. The fabric worn. I reached the landing. I had to have the strength to go inside, but I wasn’t sure where to find it. I had been drained of emotion. What was left was a shell.

I turned the handle. Greer waited inside for me.

“Thank God they let you go. Are you ok?” she asked.

I nodded, but I was numb. I looked down. My suitcase was still in the middle of the floor. I didn’t know where to move. Sit down? Hide in my room? I was frozen.

“How did this happen, Emily?” she snarled.

My head snapped when I heard the accusation in her voice. Our eyes locked. I did have an emotion left—defensive anger.

“You think I knew? That I had something to do with this?”

She rose to meet me. “You had no idea your boyfriend was a hired criminal? None whatsoever?”

My eyes pierced together in defiance. “You actually believe I knew about Vaughn?”

“I don’t know.” She groaned, spinning toward the glass doors to the balcony. “That’s not even his name. His name is Jeremy West. Jeremy Fucking West.”

“You’re mad at me? You blame me for bringing him here? Why don’t you blame yourself for bringing classified documents home in a cardboard box?” I fired back.

“That’s the protocol. I followed the protocol.”

“And I didn’t? That’s what you’re implying. That I dated and slept with a guy who wasn’t properly vetted. Is that what I was supposed to do? Get you to run a background check on him before our first kiss? Would that have made you happy?” I wasn’t finished. “You should have protected those documents, Greer. Not me. That wasn’t my job. It was yours.”

“You let him in,” she whispered.

I pulled the suitcase handle into my grasp and began to wheel it toward my room.

“You’re not going to stay and talk about it?” she called. “That’s it?”

I yanked an open bottle of wine off the counter on my way.

“No. It’s not it. But I’ve been stripped down to nothing by the bureau and I’m not going to let me best friend do the same thing.” I slammed the door and locked it secure.

I twisted the cork from the bottle and pressed the glass rim to my lips. I almost couldn’t swallow. The sob was stuck in my throat.

I forced it down. Along with the next gulp. And another.

When the bottle was empty I moved to the shower, peeled the vomit-stained clothes from my body, and stepped in under the water.

I stood in the center of the tub, waiting for relief. Waiting to wake up from this nightmare. Waiting for the haze in front of my eyes to ebb enough for me to see. I turned the handle under the water to scalding. My feet turned red.

I didn’t care. I couldn’t feel it.

I turned off the water and wrapped a towel around my chest. I wanted another drink, but I didn’t want to face Greer.

I walked to my bed and slid between the sheets. I turned my phone off. I didn’t know if Agent Kenneth would dare call. And after today I knew I had spoken my last words to Vaughn. He was gone. I closed my eyes. I knew there wouldn’t be peace in my sleep, but it was better than being awake where I could think and remember.

I counted backward. And eventually I fell asleep.

* * *

There was a knock on my door.

“Emily, are you up?”

The sunlight peered through the blinds. I turned toward the wall. I wasn’t ready to talk to Greer. After last night, I knew we had both done permanent damage to each other. Something friends weren’t supposed to do.

“Emily? Can I come in?”

She twisted the knob, but was blocked by the flimsy lock. It wouldn’t take much for her to push through it, but she stopped.

“Emily? Just tell me you’re in there and I’ll leave you alone.”

I picked up a book next to the bed and threw it at the door.

“Ok. I guess that means you’re in there. I have to leave for a few hours.”

I didn’t know what that meant. She should be going to work. I looked at the clock. She should have been gone by now.

I didn’t respond. I pulled the quilt to my head and let the tears fall on my pillow. The cocoon silenced my grief. I didn’t know when I’d come out. I didn’t know if I ever would. In here everything was gray and shaded. Doused with pain and sadness. Betrayal had sunk its claws into my pores like open wounds and tore at me, ripping and stretching gaping holes in what was left of me. The murkiness was cold. I shivered uncontrollably, no matter how tightly I pulled the blanket to my body.

My eyes drifted open and I spotted the crossword lying on the bedside table. It was Vaughn’s.

I threw off the cover, snatched the book in my hand, and began shredding the pages from the seams. I screamed as the tattered pieces gathered at my knees and hips. I’d never felt such rage. Such anger. A venom that poisoned me with hate.

I couldn’t make the scraps small enough. I couldn’t make them any smaller. I couldn’t make the traces of him disappear.

I collapsed on the bed.

“It wasn’t a con.” I breathed. “It wasn’t a con.” The whisper didn’t sound like my own voice.

My heart beat was erratic. I had to get out of this bed. I needed air.

I pulled on a T-shirt and a pair of pajama pants, sliding my arms through a zip-up hoodie and headed onto the balcony. It was cold.

It was here on the roof I’d first felt it. Undeniable love. Unquestionable sexual chemistry. An inexplicable connection. I sat on the chaise lounge.

Why? Why did he do it? Why get in so deep?

My head hurt. My whole body hurt.

I couldn’t see anything ahead. All I could picture was what was behind me. What I wanted was in the rearview mirror. Even if that included a man who had lied to me. I knew I was supposed to hate him. I shouldn’t want to turn around and find him. To hear his voice. To feel his touch. Why couldn’t I have him? Even if he wasn’t the man I thought he was. Because right now he was who I needed most to survive. How did I get through it without him?

I heard the door slide open and I turned, desperate that I was wrong and Vaughn had come back. He would stroll onto the balcony and swear we’d make it through the nightmare.

My heart plummeted to my stomach when I saw Greer.

“It’s cold out here.”

“It is,” I agreed, abhorred I was holding on to some kind of hope for him. I didn’t want her to see it on my face.

She walked toward me with an extra blanket and a cup of coffee. She had a checkered one draped over her shoulders.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” She sat close to my feet at the end of the chaise. “I was angry and I was scared.”

I took the coffee from her.

She continued, “And I should have thought about what you had just gone through with Garrett and the shock of the information.”

“We’re both in shock,” I whispered.

“But I shouldn’t have been so angry. I said some horrible things.”

“I did too,” I admitted.

“I’ve been suspended indefinitely.”

“What?” My voice had volume to it for the first time since yesterday.

She pressed her lips together. “While the investigation is on-going I can’t go back to the senate committee.”

“Oh God, Greer.”

“And Preston thinks we shouldn’t talk anymore. Not until after everything is cleared up.”

“What? What does this have to do with him? He should be here for you.”

She shook her head. “He’s right. He needs to stay away from any scandal. And he can’t risk his own senator being implicated in any way. I think a break is good.”

I closed my eyes. Holy shit. I hadn’t thought about Senator Mitcherson. It would only weaken Lana’s case if he was drawn into the spotlight for involvement with a security breach. She would be pushed out of the way. The web was getting thicker and more tangled.

I hadn’t been able to tell Greer about Lana’s case. I still couldn’t. But once she discovered the link, she’d be angrier with me than she was now. I had no idea how Preston would take it.

“I’m so sorry.”

I saw the strain on her face. I didn’t know if she was fighting back tears, or if it was anger.

“As long as we cooperate with the bureau and they catch Jeremy West this nightmare will be over soon.”

My eyes flashed to hers. I hated that she used his other name. I hadn’t accepted it.

“You did agree to help, didn’t you?” she pressed.

I turned my chin away from her.

“Emily, he has stolen government documents. And it’s not the first time. You have to tell them everything you know. He has to go to jail for this. For all his crimes. You have to stop him from working with more sources outside of the government.”

“I know.”

She sighed. “Thank God. I was worried for a second you were so far gone that you were considering helping him.”

I wondered if she knew she was his first target. That if there were no Preston, she’d be the one sitting here in broken pieces. Stunned. Destroyed.

Would Greer have fallen in love with him? Would she have given him everything she had? Trusted him with her body? With her life? Or was I so vulnerable I let him touch a piece of me that should have been safeguarded? Was I the sucker that let him go farther than he had ever gone with another one of his targets? I was the fool. His fool.

Did he wait until Garrett went off the radar? Did he know my first day at work was the worst way a first day could go? I didn’t know if I was angrier at him, or me for falling for it. For needing his reassure. His strength. His calm ability to mend wounded parts of me.

“They want me to tell them everything, Greer.” I looked at my friend. “Every single detail about our time together.”

“It will help them. It’s necessary.”

“But how does that help me? I don’t want anyone else to know. It’s too personal. It’s private. I don’t want our relationship to go down in a manila file.”

“He is a threat to national security. Nothing else matters.”

“It does to me.” I didn’t care how that sounded. “Can’t they get that information some other way?”

“Don’t you want him to pay for what he did? Don’t you think he deserves to be punished for stealing? For using you?”

I took my first sip of coffee. Some of the haze had cleared from my head.

“I can’t believe it’s all true. It’s not possible.”

Greer placed a hand on my leg. “It is true. It is what happened. Jeremy West pretended to be Vaughn Hunter to gain access to this apartment. To get his hands on the information I carried with me on the defense contract companies. He worked his charm and charisma on you Emily to get what he wanted. And he got it.” She paused. “And if we don’t help the authorities stop him, he’ll keep doing it. Who knows what the next job will be. Nuclear weapons? Information on our spies? Access to the president? It’s never-ending.”

“He isn’t that kind of man.”

“The man you thought you knew might not have been, but Jeremy West is. He’s a thief of the most dangerous calculated level. You have to accept it.”

I kicked my legs to the floor. “I don’t.” I stormed inside.

I marched to my bedroom to get dressed.

I didn’t want to think about Vaughn. I didn’t want to analyze the bureau’s questions. There was one place I could go to escape all of that. A place where women lined the corridor, waiting for my help. A place I helped women get back at the men who hurt them. Who made them feel lesser. Who used them. Who punished them.

I might not be able to punish Vaugh, or Jeremy or whoever in the hell he was, but he couldn’t stop me from going after Senator Mitcherson and men like him.

I felt bad for the cases that came across my desk today.