Chapter Fifteen
Roman
She's not coming, I thought for the millionth time. Again. She's not fucking coming. I had been checking the clock since it had hit one. It was almost two now. If she was showing up, she should have by now. There was late and there was this. This was a blow off.
That first day, I understood. After a couple after that, I could still see why she wouldn't show. It was almost a week now, though, and I was getting tired of sitting out on this blanket waiting for someone who wasn't even thinking about showing up. When did it cross the line to just pathetic, waiting for her like this? I wondered. It was one thing if I knew I could count on seeing her, but that hope was dying a little every day.
Did I have to go to her place to talk to her? No. I knew Ron. She wouldn't like feeling like I was backing her into a corner, making her talk to me when she didn't want to or when she was still mad and needed time to cool off. That was why I had given her the option to come to me when she was ready. Question was when the hell would that be? Maybe she wasn't trying to get ready. Maybe talking wasn't even something she was thinking about doing in the first place, so there was nothing she had to get ready for.
I wasn't buying all this food to eat myself, but it was looking like that was what I would be doing again tonight. I sighed, putting all the food back into the basket. Would I be back tomorrow? That was the thing, I could say that I wouldn’t be, but I would. It was getting harder every day and maybe I just wasn't taking a hint, but I would.
A flash of white through the trees caught my eye. I looked, making out a person coming towards me. Nobody had ever come through the trees to the clearing when I had been here. I doubted how many people actually knew about it. I held my breath recognizing the figure coming through the trees. Her dress was white and her hair was down, loose and a little messy around her shoulders. It was her. She came. She hadn't blown me off.
Something told me that I should be standing when she came up to me, so I did. The past year had been good to her. Maybe the image I had had of her in my mind just hadn't been close enough to the real thing, that was why I couldn't look away from her. She looked angelic when she wore white. I was so glad that I had gotten back just in time for sundress season.
"Hi," she said softly, coming up to me. I restrained myself from touching her; she probably wouldn't want me to.
"Hey."
"Can I sit?" she asked.
"Please," I said. She sunk down to her knees, sitting on her legs. Her dress rode up so I could see part of her thighs. The movement distracted me a little. It wasn't like I hadn't seen it before, it had just been so long since we had both been here, since that day we had ditched class the week before finals.
"Are you hungry?" I asked, sitting facing her. She said that she was. I pulled the spread out of the basket. Mini quiches I had bought from a bakery and some brownies. She ignored the quiche, going straight for the dessert.
"I didn't think you were coming," I said.
"I didn't either. Sorry for making you wait."
"I'm just glad you showed."
Silence. I wasn't used to this, being awkward around Ron. We had never had that problem, not even when we had just started out dating.
"I haven't been here since..." She stopped herself. I remembered the last time we were together here. Thinking about what we did was probably going to just scare her away. We had to work back up to that.
"Were you busy today?" I asked. She broke a piece off her brownie and ate it.
"I was actually at school," she said.
"Yeah? Why?"
"Library. I took some courses for the summer session."
"That's great."
"Is it? I think it is, but some people think I should be backpacking around Europe, not sitting in class."
"If it's what you want, it's great that you're doing it," I said, shrugging. "Besides, not a lot of people make school their first priority, even when it should be."
"It'll pay off in the end, that's what I keep telling myself," she said, with a small smile. "What about you?"
"What? Class?"
"You always had classes during summer training," she said. I liked that she remembered that. I liked that familiarity we had with each other. We had been a couple, but all that time we spent together, all that time talking, had made us friends, too. It was the kind of friendship I didn't get from Don or anyone else. We were close physically and emotionally – it was everything together.
"Stuff's a little weird right now," I said.
"How so?"
"I would have to reenroll if I wanted to play for the school again, but since I took time off, I don't know whether it would be worth trying to get drafted this year. Football was always what I wanted to do. I feel like I'd rather concentrate on that than split my time with academics."
"That sounds risky," she said.
"It is. Any professional sports career is risky. Barely any of the people in college for football actually end up in the league."
"Only the best?"
"Yeah, and the ones lucky enough not to get injured.”
"I hope you get in. I know how much being making it into the pros meant to you." She broke her brownie in two, eating another piece.
"Thanks. I hope so, too."
"Looks like we're both where we want to be," she said with a small smile. If she meant here with her eating brownies, then yeah, I agreed.
"In some ways," I said. I thought I saw her blush.
I asked her what courses she had picked up for summer session. I liked to think I had at least a slight working knowledge of psychology from talking to her about her school stuff. She avoided talking about my deployment when I'd mention it, but loosened up. The sun moved and we moved the blanket with it. The timid way she started lingered, but it wasn't unbearable. Two hours later, she had to head home.
"I had a good time," she said. She helped me fold the blanket back up.
"Thanks for coming. I want to see you again, Ron." Uncertainty crossed her face and she bit her lower lip a little.
"I don't know," she said.
"Anything. I'll take anything, Ron. I'll walk you to class in the morning if you'll let me. I just want to see you again." She paused. What was she about to say? I wasn't too good to beg her for this.
"Are you free Friday night?" she asked. I had to wait a couple beats to stop myself from cheering.
"I will be," I said. "Dinner?"
"As friends," she said firmly. I bit my tongue. Don't argue with her, she already said yes. Don't make her change her mind.
"I'll pick you up," I said.
"No, I'll drive. Wait a minute. How do you know where my new place is?" she asked.
"I asked Tiff," I admitted.
"What else did you ask her?" she asked.
"Whether you were happy." She paused again, looking down for a second.
"Why would you want to know that?"
"Because I care about you. I needed to know-"
"Whether I ever got over when you dumped me?" she interrupted. Her voice wasn't accusing me of anything; she sounded neutral, but some pain came through.
"How you were doing since I hadn't seen you in a long time," I said. "Ron, I need you to know that I never stopped caring about you. I know what I did, and I can't apologize enough for making you think there was a time that I didn't."
"I just don't want you to have expectations for this," she said. "I agreed to see you, but what happened isn't going to be reversed after one date."
"I know that. I'm just glad that you're giving me a chance. Since it's a date, let me pick you up," I tried. She sighed, running her hand through her hair. I wanted to do it, too, but I had lost the privilege to touch her like that a year ago.
"Okay," she said. Thank fuck she was on board. I told her I'd pick her up at seven thirty Friday night. She nodded – not that enthusiastic, but it was still a yes.
"Can I walk you to your car?" I asked.
"Sure, we're going the same way anyway," she said. We walked side by side. My hand brushed the back of hers accidentally, and she silently crossed her arms across her chest. Fuck, that stung, I realized, miles away from this girl who was right next to me where the hell I was. I was back to square one, maybe less than that. I was sure of what I felt, but that was because it was easy for me. I hadn't been the one who had had to hear from my boyfriend of almost three years that he didn't love me anymore out of the blue.
"Thank you for coming to see me," I said again as we walked up to her car.
"I'm not going to lie to you. Up until one thirty, I wasn't sure I was."
"Can I ask what changed your mind?" I asked, wishing I didn't as soon as it came out of my mouth. But I needed to hear it. The lies I had told her before I left were the reason she was here like this now, scared of me.
"Something told me you were being sincere. For that, I figured you at least deserved a chance to say what you needed to say."
"What about the date?"
"If you wanna test your luck, I'll cancel it," she threatened. She was smiling a little and her voice was light. It was something. I'd take a tepid smile over tears any day. That bit of fire, too? That was her, my girl. We said our goodbyes, and I waited till she had driven away to get into my car and head home.
I dropped the basket onto the kitchen counter when I got home. First day it wasn't full of food I'd have to eat myself. Today was a good day, I thought. It was a win. A small one. One which depended on what happened Friday, but I was taking it. I was back in.