Chapter Thirty-Two
Veronica
I remembered what I felt the first time I saw it. I hadn't been expecting it. We'd been outside, having a picnic then he just told me to shut my eyes and gave me this gift box. It was bittersweet, thinking about it now. A week after he had given it to me, we had broken up and he had left. I had come so close to getting rid of it, but I never had. It was like I had known somehow that this day was coming.
I rubbed the pink stone between my fingers and played with the gold chain. After he had dumped me, I had felt like the necklace was an insult. I hadn't really worn it at all since he had left the first time. It just brought so much back up.
It would always be associated with him, not just because he'd given it to me, but because of when he gave it to me. It sort of signified the second part of our relationship, when our feelings just stewed over thousands of miles. The time when we had both tried to get on with our lives, but hadn't managed to leave each other behind.
The sun might have been setting outside, I wasn't sure. My blinds had been closed since I had gotten home. I wasn't looking forward to the weekend. I had been waiting for today to come and now that it was almost over, I wondered where he was. Was he still close enough for me to get to? His house, or the airport. Maybe he had been gone for hours already.
It didn't feel good to admit, but this time was easier. The past two weeks had passed robotically. I had gone to class, studied, hung out with Tiff once or twice, even gone to see my parents. I had been in control of the separation this time, but he had made it easy for me. He hadn't called. He hadn't tried to text me or come see me. Nothing.
This was the way I wanted it to be. This was why I told him I didn't want to be together anymore. So he could have the future he always wanted. The one he deserved.
I put the necklace down on the nightstand and rolled onto my face. I had been spending a lot of time in bed, a pathetic attempt to self-soothe. I was doing the right thing by him. He didn't owe me this. I could never ask him for it, I had no right. With the way I had been feeling lately, convincing myself that this wasn't a mistake had been getting a little difficult. Hopefully, once I knew he was gone, a switch would flip and I wouldn't feel like this anymore.
My phone broke me out of my thoughts. It was Tiffany. She had offered to come over tonight with food, and I hadn't had a good enough reason to tell her not to. I didn't figure I'd be very good company, but I had to do something. If she was worried, she wasn't showing it. She wasn't showing it if she was onto me, either. I had made a point to not ask about Roman so I didn't know what if anything they had said to each other.
Her message said she'd be here in ten. I had put my pajamas on when I got home and wasn't going to bother changing. God, I was getting tired of myself. I didn't know how she stayed my friend. I texted her back, asking her to bring wine. Why not? If I was doing this, I might as well commit.
She was knocking at the door a little while later. All my school stuff was on the table, so we just sat on the couch. If everything else had suffered these past couple weeks, my academics had flourished. Diving into schoolwork is a great way to try get over heartbreak. Does wonders for your GPA. Meanwhile, I had been late on rent and had been picking at the same leftover pizza in the fridge for the last three days.
Dinner was lo mein and soup dumplings. Tiff sat across the couch from me, watching me pick at the noodles with my chopsticks.
"I'm worried about you," she said.
"Don't be."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"It's scary how similar the two of you are," she said. She didn't say the two of who – she didn't have to. I knew already.
"Must get annoying after a while," I said uselessly.
"I think he would have liked you to be there, despite everything."
"Been there?"
"At the airport. He left a few hours ago." I sat silently, looking into my plate of half-eaten food. Fuck it, he was gone now, I could say it.
"Did he say anything? About me? Tell you to..." I trailed off, shaking my head.
"Tell me to what?" she asked me gently. I felt my eyes fill and looked down, hating that I felt this way even more, because it was my fault this time.
"I wish I could have been there," I said quietly, dabbing my eyes.
"Why didn't you contact him?"
"Because you don't ask someone to stay after telling them never to talk to you again."
"What?" she asked, shocked.
"He never told me about the team wanting to sign him. When I found out, after you told me, I couldn't let it happen. He was ready to potentially give up his whole life for me. I couldn't let him do that, Tiff. I couldn't be the reason he passed this up."
"Veronica," she started, "you asked him not to talk to you? I know he would have at least wanted to hear from you before he left."
"I felt like if I left that door open, he would give himself a reason to stay, somehow," I admitted. “I didn't want him to have any hope that it could go differently."
"Vee. Do you realize what happened here?"
"What?" I sniffed.
"You just did the same thing that he did. You broke up with him so he had a chance to do something that makes him happy. Last year, he left you because he wanted to give you a chance at the same thing."
"He should have talked to me about it. I would have waited. Why did he think that I wouldn't? Both times he had a big decision to make and he never talked to me."
"You didn't talk to him, either, Vee. You decided that he'd go when you could have asked to talk about it instead," she said.
"He didn't even tell me that he'd been talking to anyone."
"You were doing the same thing, protecting each other, when I think maybe you should have taken the risks."
I was crying now. Tiff didn't try to stop me or comfort me. She let me get it out. Was his really the same thing? Was I punishing myself so he wouldn't have to? Just like he was doing for me? It had made sense in my head...so it must have for him to when he did it. Everything I went through last year, I was putting him through now. I felt wretched, like there had been a better way both times and both times, we hadn't made the choice to take it.
"How did we end up like this?" I sighed.
"You're protective of each other. You went with your instincts instead of slowing down and waiting for another option."
"I feel so stupid," I said, drying my face.
"You aren't stupid, neither of you. You both had good intentions; it just wasn't the right thing to do."
"He still deserves it. To play. I hope he's happy."
"I know what would make this better, for both of you," she said.
"I can't tell him all this now, he just left. He would come back, try to get out of his contract, something risky like that."
"He should still hear it. Don't let him live there thousands of miles away alone with that being the last memory of the two of you together."
"I can't do it yet. I made this decision getting ready to lose him. It hurts, but I made my bed."
"Vee, you're doing it again. You're punishing both of you by not talking to him."
But it's better this way, I thought. I'd pushed him into this and it was where he had to stay now. I couldn't swoop back in and tell him I changed my mind.
"Maybe this is how it was meant to be," I said. "If it isn't, then maybe we'll be brought together again somehow. I don't think right now is our time." Tiffany looked like she was holding back. I knew that she'd respect what I wanted, but it probably irked her more than anything.
"I can't say I get it, but... I don't think it's for me to get."
"Would you trust me on it?"
"I sort of have to," she said, shooting me a crooked smile.
"I'm sorry for dating your brother."
"You were the best thing about him, what does he have going for himself now?" she joked. I laughed at that. It was still a little hollow, but felt good.
I was back in bed fifteen minutes after she left. My hand found its way to the nightstand, picking up my necklace. I put it on, tucking it safely under the neck of my top. He had given it to me before he left the last time. Now, I'd wear it, the way he would have wanted. The barely there weight against my neck was nothing close weight of his body in bed close to me, but it was something. It was all I could get and I was taking it.