Chapter 17

Sunday

"I want to go back to my dorm."

V kept his back turned toward me and didn't say a word. He was stirring something on the stove.

"V."

"Dinner will be ready in a minute."

"I'm not hungry. Please, I just want to go back to my dorm and get some sleep. I'm exhausted and I have classes tomorrow." My stomach growled, completely betraying me.

"It's almost ready," he said.

"Really, I just need to get back. My roommate is going to be worried about me."

"Kinsley isn't worried about you. She's spending the night with her boyfriend."

"How do you know that?"

He ignored me as he poured a pot of pasta into a strainer.

"Did you bug my room, V?"

"No. I pinged her phone. Why, are you worried I've been watching you change or something? I've already seen you naked, if you recall." He said it so calmly, as if this conversation was normal.

I glanced over my shoulder at Eli. His head was still slumped forwards. He was definitely still asleep. I had slept with both of them. And I was almost positive they both knew. They had been watching me. The thought sent a chill down my spine. This night wasn't just horribly stressful. It was horribly awkward too. If V thought I was going to spend the night in this studio apartment with both of them, he had lost his damn mind.

He set a plate down in front of me and uncorked a bottle of wine.

"I'm only 18."

"This won't exactly be the first time I've broken the law." He poured us each a glass.

I was still standing by the counter. I crossed my arms in front of my chest. But the dinner did look good. Pasta with tomato sauce, chicken, and green beans. My stomach grumbled again. Stop betraying me!

"It's just dinner. You're hungry. Eat."

I didn't like him telling me what to do. And I didn't like him thinking he knew anything about my wants. Especially since he was right. I sighed and sat down in the stool across from him. "Then I can go home?"

His eyes flashed toward mine. There was something there, but I couldn't tell what it was. It was like he was waiting for me to say something.

"I want you to stay the night," he finally said.

The way he said it made my heart rate accelerate. Dinner, wine, and spending the night? Was he trying to make this into some weird date? Eli was passed out twenty feet away from us. "What is this?"

"It's just dinner, Sadie." He picked up his fork and expertly twirled it in the spaghetti.

I wish I was as good at ignoring awkward tension as he was. God, he was infuriating. I took a bite of my pasta. It practically melted in my mouth. He fought bad guys and knew how to cook. But he also had anger issues and was clearly not good at trusting people. I took a huge bite. And he obviously knew my name was Summer. Why was he still calling me Sadie? I shoved another bite in my mouth.

"I knew you were hungry."

I stopped chewing mid-bite. I looked down at my half empty plate. Apparently I ate really fast when I was angry. I finished chewing and swallowed the massive amount of food in my mouth. "You're a good cook. But it's getting late. I should probably go."

He took a sip of his wine and set the glass aside. "Is the idea of spending the night with me really that appalling?"

Seriously? "Spend the night with you?" I whispered. "Eli is right there." I pointed to his passed out body.

"I just meant here. Not sleeping with me. You'll have your own room."

"Don't put words in my mouth. You said spend the night with you. That means sleeping together."

"Okay. Fine." He put his elbows on the counter and leaned forward slightly. "Then why is the thought of sleeping with me suddenly so appalling? And I know it's not because Eli is right there. I know it has nothing to do with Eli, actually. Because you're mad at him. He lied to you. All those years he could have stepped in and he didn't. You couldn't possibly forgive him for turning a blind eye to your pain."

He was making my blood boil. "Yes, I'm furious about all of that. But I'm mad at you too."

"I've only been trying to help."

"You're so full of yourself, you know that, right?"

"I just..."

"You said you could see my weakness!" I said, cutting him off. "As if I have a huge neon sign above my head that says I'm damaged. You pity me. And I feel so stupid." I tried to dismiss the pain in my chest. "I thought you believed in me."

"I said that the abuse was easily detected."

"It's the same thing. I thought I was good at hiding it. I thought..."

"You shouldn't hide from what happened to you. Roberts deserves to pay for what he did. There's no reason..."

"Of course there's a reason!"

"Nothing that he did was your fault, Sadie."

Sadie. The name seemed to echo around in my head. I wanted to scream, but instead, tears just started to pool in my eyes. "I'm ashamed of myself. I couldn't fight him off." I thought about that night when the snow was falling. I couldn't protect myself. How did I ever think I could protect anyone else? I placed my hand on my stomach. "I'm so ashamed."

The next thing I knew, V was wrapping his arms around me. I let his heavenly scent surround me as I pressed the side of my face against his chest. He didn't complain about me getting his hoodie wet with tears. He just held me.

"You're right. I am weak."

"I didn't mean any of that. I was just trying to crawl under his skin so that he'd talk."

"It doesn't mean it's not true. You said I liked Eli because he's..." God, I didn't even want to say it out loud. I swallowed hard. "Abusive. That the way he treats me reminds me of Don. What if you're right? What if I'm so messed up that I can't find myself again?"

"You're perfect just the way you are."

The reason why we worked was because he didn't judge me. And I didn't judge him. The whole premise wasn't stable. Just hearing him say I was weak ignited something inside of me. I wanted to throw a million things at him in retaliation. How dare he judge me when he was so messed up too? So even though we may not have been speaking our judgments, they were still there, waiting just underneath the surface. We were a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at any second.

He leaned down and kissed the side of my neck.

"I'm not perfect."

He pushed the strap of my tank top off my shoulder. "You're perfect to me."

I melted into him. It was easy when his lips felt this good on my skin. But at the same time, it was like I could hear our relationship, or lack thereof, ticking down. "You said you'd give me what I wanted if I brought Eli to you."

"You didn't exactly follow the instructions on my note." He gently kissed my clavicle.

My hips pressed against him, reacting to his lips on their own accord. I couldn't even control it.

"But what is it that you want so badly?" His breath was hot on my skin.

I wanted my pendant. But standing in front of him right now, with his arms wrapped around me, I wasn't sure it was what I wanted most. "I want to see your face."

"That's not what you want."

I swallowed hard. "I want to know your name."

He shook his head and kissed my shoulder. "Tell me what you really want."

I knew what he was getting at. He wanted me to say that he was what I wanted. He was purposely making it hard to think straight. "I want to know what we're doing. What is this thing between us to you?"

"A moment of borrowed time."

"Borrowed time?" His kisses were starting to make me dizzy.

"I think we both know that I'm not the one you end up with," he said.

"Why?"

"Because I can't give you more than this. And it's not nearly enough."

I pulled his face away from my neck. "Why do you get to decide what I deserve? What if I want to be with you?"

He put his forehead against mine and didn't say a word. It was almost as if he was trying to read my thoughts. "You can't choose me." His voice sounded strained and he took a step back from me. "You just can't." It was as if he could hear me asking "why?" again even though I hadn't opened my mouth to speak. "It's late. You need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day." He walked away from me and over to one of the locked doors.

A moment ago he wanted me. And now he was telling me that I couldn't be with him. He was so hot and cold. It was impossible to read him.

I watched as he wrapped his fingers around the doorknob. A moment later there was a clicking noise and the door opened. I stood up and followed him, knowing full well that I didn't really have a choice. I stopped as soon as I stepped into the room and stared at the single king-sized bed. No pictures. No decorations.

He opened up one of the drawers of his dresser and pulled out a t-shirt. He walked over to me and placed it in my hand. "Let me know if there is anything else you need."

"I can sleep on the couch."

He shook his head. "I need to keep an eye on Eli anyway. Goodnight, Sadie."

"Why do you keep calling me that? You know that my real name is Summer."

He turned away from me. "Athena, lights off."

The room turned completely dark as V shut the door behind him.

How could I be so angry at him yet want him so badly? I sat down on the edge of the bed and lay backwards. The sheets smelled like him. I closed my eyes and let his scent waft over me. Borrowed time. It was as if he knew who I was going to end up with. And it wasn't him. Why did that thought make me so sad? I didn't know anything about him.

I shook my head. That wasn't true. I knew that he cared about me. There was nothing more important to me than that. I opened my eyes. The room was pitch black. He had left me all alone in my darkness. The thought made my chest hurt.

"Athena, lights on."

"Access denied," said the computerized voice.

I closed my eyes again, trying to block out the room. And I had this overwhelming sense that I understood what V was talking about. What if I didn't end up with him because I didn't end up with anyone? What if I was the one living on borrowed time?