Chapter 4

Friday

I clenched my hand in a fist as I stared at the door. I didn't know what else to do. It really felt like I was losing my mind. He was the only one who could tell me what was real. I looked over my shoulder once more. Would being here really make things any worse? Joan already knew he was my friend. I had already put him in harm's way.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I knocked on the door.

Miles opened the door at the same time he was pulling his shirt on. I saw a quick glimpse of his abs. He was just wearing boxers and a t-shirt. No, he definitely wasn't the same boy I used to know. There was nothing at all boyish about him now.

"Hey, Sadie." He looked surprised to see me. "I was looking for you today..."

"Can I come in?" I walked past him before he had a chance to answer. His sheets and comforter were pushed back. I had clearly just disrupted his sleep. I knew I was fidgeting. I knew how crazy I looked. How could I explain why I was here without him thinking I was presumptuous? God. I turned back around to face him. He looked truly exhausted. What was I doing here? I couldn't keep harassing him like this. "I'm sorry, I woke you. I should just come back in the morning." I tried to step back around him, but he put his hand on my arm.

"It's okay. You can stay."

I swallowed hard. He had invited me in the other night. If I had taken him up on that offer, nothing bad would have happened. I would have been safely in his arms all night. My memory would be intact. And I was scared to go back to my room. I didn't trust Kins. This was the only place I truly felt safe.

"I want you to stay," he added, when I didn't respond to him.

I quickly turned back to him. He wants me to stay? I didn't want to overthink everything. I didn't want to make this something it wasn't. I was here to get answers, not to drag him into a past that no longer made sense. But I needed him to hold me too. For years I had needed him and he was nowhere to be found. Just this one night, I wanted his arms around me. I wanted him to tell me it was going to be okay. I kicked off my shoes and pulled off my hoodie. So much for not being presumptuous.

He pushed his hair off his forehead as he watched me.

What was he thinking? I really never had been good at reading him. "Last night when I asked you to hold me, you invited me in. I thought maybe...that we could do that tonight."

A smile was toying at the edge of his lips. "If that's what you want to do."

I nodded my head. My heart stammered as he turned around and locked the door. And it nearly beat out of my chest as he walked toward the bed.

I could have easily gotten lost in this moment. But I came here for answers. I still needed to know the truth. I tried to control my breathing as he climbed back into bed. And I tried not to read into my racing heart as I lay down beside him. Or when he shifted closer and wrapped his arms around me.

He smelled like home. Tears welled in my eyes. I fit perfectly in his arms. And once, that was where I belonged. When I was still whole. Before my life was taken away from me. I closed my eyes tight, trying to prevent the tears from falling.

His thumb was making a small circle under my shoulder blade, somehow reminding me of my injured shoulder and at the same time numbing the pain. He calmed me. He grounded me. And he abandoned me.

Stop. I didn't know his side of the story. That's why I was here. I needed to know why he really stopped writing. "Can you tell me about Summer?"

His fingers stopped on my skin. "I'd rather not talk about the past."

"It's not the past if it still haunts you." I knew that better than anyone. If I couldn't let go of my pain, maybe I could help him let go of his. Maybe I could help him move on.

He shifted his hand and ran his fingers through my hair. It seemed absentminded, and it made me wonder how many girls had been in this same position with him before.

I bit the inside of my cheek. I needed this. And I'm pretty sure he needed it too. "Please."

"What do you want to know exactly?"

I just needed to know about my grandmother passing and what he remembered after that. Instead, "The whole story," slipped out of my mouth.

"It's a long story."

I rested my head against his strong chest and breathed him in. "I have all night."

He shifted so that his chin was resting on the top of my head. His hand slid down my back, stopping at the base of my spine. I was so comfortable in his arms. It was like time had stopped. We were still kids, falling asleep in his tree house. There was no fire. There was no pain. My eyelids suddenly felt heavy. I was home again.

"When I was eight, she moved in next door," he finally said, breaking the spell.

I forced myself to keep my eyes open. I needed to hear this. I had always wondered what our relationship meant to him. For the past several years, I had convinced myself that he had never cared about me. I had told myself that I had made it up in my head. That my love for him was completely one sided. I realized I was holding my breath, and slowly exhaled.

"She was so full of life, I don't really know how else to explain it. The first time I saw her, she was running across the yard, chasing after a bunny. To clarify, she was younger than me. She was only six. Still, I don't know why she thought she could catch it."

I smiled against his chest.

"But that wasn't really the point. What I remember was how her hair caught in the sun. It was this really beautiful shade of red. When you looked at it in the sun, it seemed like it was made up of hundreds of different colors. You'll probably make fun of me, but that first moment I saw her, I was completely consumed. I mean, I was just a kid, I didn't really know what love was. But it kind of felt like love at first sight. Summer was the perfect name for her. She had so much warmth. So much joy. So much optimism." His voice seemed to falter.

I didn't say a word. I had never known that. I thought he hated me at first. It reminded me of my babysitter, Julie, claiming that love at first sight didn't exist. Maybe it didn't for her. But it sure as hell did for us. Because I had been in love with Miles Young ever since the first moment I laid eyes on him too.

"And since I was a stupid kid, I just did what stupid kids do. I was horribly mean to her for the first year I knew her. I wouldn't let her into my tree house. I called her names. For a whole month I pretended she was invisible. Every time she got near me I told her how annoying she was. And then one day, I found her crying by the stream in this little park in our neighborhood. She had slipped on the mossy rocks and cut her knee. There was blood everywhere because the cut had gotten wet. It tore me apart to see her like that. I remember thinking that I'd never let anything bad happen to her ever again. That I'd keep her safe."

I closed my eyes tight. I remembered him threatening to come visit me when I was in foster care. How upset he was when he thought someone was hurting me. Why did I turn him away? Why didn't I let him protect me?

"We were inseparable since that day. She was my best friend. We did everything together. But it was more than that. We were young, but, I mean...does that really matter? I try to look back at it and tell myself it wasn't more than that, but it felt real. I loved her. I truly did love her."

He loved me. He loved me and I pushed him away.

He cleared his throat. "When I was ten, her parents were in a car crash and died. I was there the night when the police officers came. It looked like all the life was sucked out of her. I mean, she was just a kid. We both were. It killed me to see her like that. I promised myself I'd protect her, but I couldn't take that pain away from her."

No one could take that pain away. It was supposed to get better with time. But that was a fucking lie. Everyone who said that didn't understand. It was like there was a hole in my heart. Maybe I just didn't have enough love in my life to come close to filling the vacancy.

"She moved in with her grandmother in another state. The distance was hard. We wrote to each other all the time, but we didn't really get to see each other anymore. She always put on such a brave face. I hated that. I hated that she'd erase things and write over them, like I couldn't see her previous thoughts. Like I couldn't see her pain. I hated that my mom wouldn't let me call her because it was long distance. I hated that I couldn't be there for her." He sighed. "I was a pretty angry kid."

I hadn't known that either. I thought his life was perfect. Star soccer player. Living, loving parents. Popular. I didn't know I had kept him down a notch. And I was angry too. I was angry for letting that have happened without even realizing it. I had ruined his life. I bit the inside of my lip. How could I have let that happen?

"But then her grandmother died too."

Just my grandmother.

"She went into foster care."

I'm not crazy.

"All that warmth and joy and optimism. It just disappeared as she went from family to family. We still wrote to each other all the time. But her letters got less and less detailed. I knew she was hurting. Or maybe someone was hurting her. I don't know. I tried to go see her and she told me no. I pressed it. I blame myself for..."

"Stop." I knew the rest of our story. I blamed Don for everything bad in the past few years. But this was on me. This was my fault. I should have let Miles come. I should have let him help me. I should have let him in. "You can't blame yourself if she didn't want your help."

He leaned back slightly so he could put his hand under my chin. He lifted my face to his. "I made a promise to myself that I'd protect her."

"When you were just a kid." I wasn't sure why, but I was suddenly angry. Angry about the situation. Angry at myself.

"Does that matter?"

"Yes." My anger had bubbled over into tears. I was hysterical. God, I was crazy.

He tried to wipe away my tears but I pushed his hand away.

"Of course it matters!" my voice cracked. He was too good. Way too good for me. I would bring him down. I'd pull him into the darkness. I climbed out of bed.

He ran his hand through his hair in that sexy way of his. "You're mad at me because I'm mad at myself for failing to keep a promise?" He looked exhausted.

"I'm mad at you for still caring." God, that sounded stupid. "I'm mad at you for not living your life. You have to move on."

"I'm trying to live it." He gestured back and forth between us. "Sadie, I'm trying to move on." He climbed out of bed and reached for my hand.

"Well, you can't move on with me."

"Why? I can see it in your eyes. You want to be here. So why are you running away? What are you so scared of?"

"You!" I wasn't sure why I was so mad, but I was furious at him. How dare he give up on his life because of me? How dare he stop living when he still had a choice? I already had enough on my shoulders. I couldn't live with that too. I couldn't. It felt like there were hands around my neck.

"Sadie." He took a step closer to me. "Please just talk to me. You know the doctors told me about the physical abuse. I saw the x-rays. I know..."

"I shouldn't have come here."

"It's the middle of the night. Just stay. Sadie, please."

Time seemed to freeze in my mind and turn over. It really did feel like we were back in his tree house. And he was calling after me as I ran through his backyard, away from my hopes and dreams, away from everything that had ever made sense. "You have to forget about her."

"I'm not upset about her. You brought her up. You wanted to hear the story." He pushed his hair off his forehead. "I'm upset about you, Sadie." He looked pissed. And he probably deserved to be. I was the one that had shown up in the middle of the night. I was the one that had invited myself inside. Yet, I was the one freaking out.

"Then forget about me too." Apparently I had transported back in time and was acting just like an eight year old as well. What was wrong with me? I opened up the door and slammed it shut in his face. I knew exactly why I was angry. Because I made a promise to myself when I was still technically a child too. I promised myself that I'd kill Don Roberts. And no matter how much time passed, that promise was never going to go away. I was going to kill him. And I'd watch the life drain out of him just like he watched mine drain out of me.

Once that was done, there was no going back. If there was any piece of Summer Brooks left inside of me, that would kill her. And Miles couldn't love a person like that. I couldn't let him keep his promise to a monster. He deserved the brightest star in the sky. Not the darkness in between.