Chapter 30

Wednesday

My shoulders ached as I tried to reach for the zipper on the back of my dress. Damn it. But I wasn't upset about the dress. I was upset about the fact that my life was a fucking mess. How could I go on a date with Eli when I was already confused enough? And I didn't have time to be confused about any of it. I was supposed to be focusing on whatever the hell was going to happen in two days.

Telling myself that I needed to eat tonight no matter where I was seemed to settle me down. Eli wanted it to be a real date, but that didn't technically make it real. It was just for appearances. It was to keep Kins safe. Miles safe. God, Miles.

I turned to look at my back in the mirror. The zipper was somehow just out of reach no matter how much I twisted and stretched. There was a scar right beneath where the zipper should have ended. I picked out this dress specifically because it didn't show any scars.

I sighed and sat down on the edge of my bed. My eyes gravitated down to my Converses. I could wear different shoes. Eli was coming here to pick me up. He'd be with me at dinner. And then he was going to walk back here with me for the meeting. I'd never be alone. He'd be there with me the whole time to keep me safe.

But reasons regarding Eli weren't why I wanted to take my Converses off. Just seeing them reminded me of Julie. I thought about the picture of her and her fiancé, Jacob. They had looked so happy. And I remembered her getting the Converses from him and showing them off to me. She was so smitten with him. It was almost as if her life was beginning the day mine ended. And now...

I tried to dismiss the thought, but I couldn't keep it at bay. And now she's dead because of me. I didn't want to believe it was true. It was possible that she was out there, somewhere. It just seemed like we'd be able to find her if that was true. Cases for missing people that weren't found within a month weren't exactly promising. I was an example of that. No, I wasn't dead. But I wasn't Summer Brooks anymore either.

I reached down to untie my shoes but stopped when my fingers touched the laces. Miles liked my shoes. I had consumed a lot of alcohol the night I ran into him in the observatory. But I was pretty sure he had told me that he liked my shoes. Even though they didn't match my dress. Yes, Miles had definitely complemented them. I also remembered that Eli didn't seem to like them. He didn't say so, but he also didn't defend my choice in front of Kins.

I stood up. I wasn't sure if it was because Miles liked them or because Eli didn't that I kept them on. Maybe it was a combination of the two. I also had an eerie feeling that maybe if Julie had still been wearing hers, she wouldn't have gotten kidnapped. That wasn't going to happen to me. I'd die before I was back under Don's thumb.

Before leaving the room, I turned to look in the mirror once more. Normally I'd wear something that hid the pendant around my neck. But I no longer had my most prized possession. I stared at my reflection. There was something different about the person staring back at me. It wasn't the low cut of the dress, or the makeup I was wearing. It wasn't even the fact that I had brown hair and brown eyes instead of my normal red hair and blue eyes. For the first time in nine years, I didn't look scared.

It didn't make any sense. I had just found out that I had a relative I didn't know about who was most likely trying to kill me. I probably only had two days left to live. But there wasn't fear in my eyes. For years, I had no one on my side. Now I had a whole team of people and friends, including three guys who cared about me. Three. And it was selfish, but I didn't have any desire to let any of them go. I liked the sense of security it gave me to know I had people watching my back. Because who was I kidding? I couldn't even manage to reach a zipper on my back. How on earth was I planning on protecting myself without them?

And I was pretty sure none of them would love all of me. They just liked the part of me that they saw. Miles was in love with Summer Brooks, a carefree girl with an easy smile. Eli was in love with the tortured part of me, the one who hid in broad daylight and was scared to say a word. And V loved the person I was becoming, a person who'd eventually be strong enough not to need him. Because the truth was, I was unlovable as a whole. I didn't even love myself. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated the person I had become. And I wasn't scared of my current predicament, because the truth was that I was tired of living.

The thought hit me hard as I blinked away my tears. My parents were dead. My grandmother was dead. Julie was most likely dead. And the three people left that cared about me the most would probably all die trying to protect me. So wasn't it just better if I died first? I wiped away the tears under my eyes and turned away from the mirror.

It wasn't that I was giving up. It was simply that there was no hope. We had no leads. We had no idea what Don was planning. Even if I was still breathing in two days, I was still dead inside. And I couldn't even embrace being Sadie Davis anymore because she was already someone else. Coming here wasn't a fresh start. Coming here was the end.

So why did it feel like a beginning whenever I was around Miles, Eli, and V? Maybe it was because I was starved for love. That's why it was so hard to turn any of them away. I was lucky to have met each of them. A part of me could even imagine a future with each of them. I loved Miles because he reminded me of what it felt like to be whole. I loved Eli because he was proof that I could be loved despite being broken. And I loved V because he made me feel optimistic of a future, no matter how unrealistic it was.

But none of those futures could possibly exist. I was incapable of love, despite how torn I felt about each of them. My heart was too full of hate. I was consumed with something that seemed bigger than a feeling. It truly felt like my heart was only still beating because Don was still breathing. And when I ended his life, I'd finally be free.

Before I was out of time, I needed to tell each of them. I needed them to understand that their lives were better off without me in them. It shouldn't be hard. None of them loved all of me. How could they?

I grabbed my purse off the dresser. I'd start by telling Eli tonight after our double date. I knew he wanted a second chance, but what was the point? He should be focusing his efforts on someone who still breathed life.

I walked out of the bedroom. I was hoping V wouldn't be there when I left for my date. Unfortunately he was sitting at the kitchen counter. He looked up as I walked past him. I kept my head down, hoping he'd ignore me.

"Stop," his voice rumbled.

My feet reacted before my brain, immediately stopping at his command. I didn't look back at him as he approached me. His fingers brushed the back of my neck, as he pushed my hair to the side. He slowly zipped up my dress the rest of the way. His touch sent a chill down my spine.

"Why have you been crying?" he asked.

"I haven't."

He grabbed my arm and turned me toward him. "Talk to me."

"It's nothing."

He sighed. "You don't have to go with Eli if you don't want to."

"How do you even know about that?"

"He informed me about the change in schedule. I don't think it's necessary for you to go out of your way to keep up the facade that you two are dating. You don't have to go."

"What does it matter? You said we weren't going to end up together. You've made it clear that all this is between us is just physical."

"That's not what I said." His fingers loosened their grip on my arm.

"Yes it is. You said we were doing this on borrowed time."

"Sadie, please don't push me away right now. Not for him." He lightly touched the bottom of my chin.

"Eli Serrano is at the entrance," Athena's voice said smoothly through the speakers.

I was about to step away, but V grabbed my waist and pulled me against him.

"My heart beats on borrowed time," he whispered, as he pressed his forehead against mine.

 I believed he thought that was true. That he thought he loved that small piece of me. Because it would have been easy for me to stay in this moment.

He breathed in my exhales like I was the one that could somehow give him strength, when in reality he was the one that took away my pain.

There was a loud tapping against the window that made me jump. "I'll be back later," I said.

He reluctantly let go of my waist and stepped back. "I meant what I said, Sadie. My heart beats on borrowed time," he repeated, as if the first time he said it hadn't reverberated through my soul.

I didn't turn back to him. If he meant it, he would have called me Summer. If he meant it, he'd love all of me. If he meant it, I probably would have stayed. But it wasn't enough. I needed to feel love for that part of me that was broken. And that part of me that was once whole. I'd never become what V wanted me to be. I didn't have enough time.

The window slowly rose. Eli was standing there in jeans and a blazer with his hair slicked back slightly.

I stepped outside, feeling the last few rays of sunlight on my skin. "You look different."

"This is me." He smiled at me, almost shyly. "I'm Eli Serrano." He put his hand out. "And it's really nice to meet you, Summer."

I turned my head as the window started to whirr closed. V was staring at me with the most piercing gaze. It was almost as if he could see it too, the parts of me that were Summer. And it felt like he hated her. Like he despised her.

My skin felt cold as the window shut. I looked back at Eli. His hand was still outstretched, the smile still on his face. Seeing his smile warmed me somehow. And it wasn't because of the flames lapping at the surface. Eli wasn't bad. He was good. So good. Maybe the fire I felt when our skin touched wasn't because of him at all. Maybe I was the one that was burning.

I reached out my hand. "I already like you, Eli Serrano. I don't want to start over." We don't have time to start over. Instead of shaking his hand, I intertwined our fingers, and let our hands fall between us.

His smile grew even wider. "We should probably get going. Our reservation is at 7 and it's a pretty long walk."

I nodded and we walked hand in hand down the fire escape. I didn't feel an ounce of fire in his touch now. There was just this overwhelming sense of comfort. He could protect me. Maybe this didn't have to end in two days. When had my hope dissipated?

I glanced at Eli out of the corner of my eye as we stepped off the fire escape. "You look older."

"I am older than you originally thought," he said with a smile.

"No, I know. I just...I mean, I can see it now. Where did you go to college the first time around?"

He laughed. "The University of Colorado. And then I went to the police academy when I decided I didn't want to go to law school."

"You originally wanted to be a lawyer?"

"I've always wanted to help people. I just wasn't exactly sure how I wanted to do that." His fingers tightened around mine slightly as we crossed the street. The small gesture made me feel protected.

We didn't speak as we entered Central Park. The silence with him wasn't awkward. It wasn't like it was with Miles, when I was worried he'd discover the truth. I felt at peace.

"I believe that you didn't know that Don was hurting me," I finally said, breaking the silence. "I just wanted you to know that. And I'm sorry that..."

"Summer, please don't apologize. It kills me that I didn't know. I swear I would have stopped it if I knew. I was right there. I should have seen it."

I could hear the pain in his voice when he spoke about it. It was almost as if he blamed himself. If I was going to die in two days, I didn't want him to hold on to that pain. "It wasn't your fault, Eli."

He didn't say anything.

"Eli," I said and pulled on his hand to make him stop walking. "I'd say I forgive you, but there is nothing to forgive. But I see it in your face. You have to forgive yourself." I placed my hand on the center of his chest.

His Adam's apple rose and fell as he stared down at me. I could feel his heart racing beneath my palm.

"I could have prevented that pain," he said. "Whenever I look at you, I can see that pain in your eyes. If I had seen it, I could have..."

"You couldn't have done anything. Don would have killed you. You know what he's like. I'm just grateful that you like me despite everything that's happened."

"You think you're broken. But I don't see it that way, Summer." He gently cupped the side of my face in his hand. "And you need to stop beating yourself up over things that weren't you're fault."

My unborn baby dying was my fault. I ignored the sharp pain in my chest and leaned into his hand slightly. I was supposed to be distancing myself from him, but he kept drawing me closer. This didn't feel like an act. This felt real. And I was worried that if I went through with my plan and ended things tonight, the part of me he loved would fade away. I didn't want to disappear.