Chapter 24

Monday

The air felt heavy tonight, almost as if it was going to rain. But the sky was perfectly clear above me. Maybe the weight on my chest was the feeling of impending doom. I couldn't seem to silence the ticking clock in my head.

A tear slid down the side of my face and dropped into my hair. The few stars that were visible in the city sky blurred above me. For the first time in a long time, I finally felt like I wasn't alone. At least, there were people surrounding me who had my best interests in mind. But I kept pushing them away. Somehow that made me feel even more isolated than when I really was alone.

I lifted up my phone and stared down at Miles' name that I had just input into my contact list. I hadn't come up here for air. I had wanted to watch the meteor shower. But the stupid city lights blocked out everything. I wiped more of my tears away.

For years I had stared at the stars, wondering where Miles was. Missing him. Loving him. Cursing his name. And now he was right here. And I needed him. God, I so desperately needed him. I put the cell phone down.

I couldn't go against what everyone else that was trying to help me wanted. I felt like for the first time since I was a kid, everyone could really see me. I placed my hand on my stomach and stared up at the dark sky. The problem was that there were parts of me that I didn't want anyone to see. I was angry at Liza for sharing information to Eli and V that they didn't need to know. She had no right. She clearly didn't care about my feelings. So why should I care about hers?

I lifted up my phone again and typed out a message to Miles. "I can barely see the stars tonight." It was innocent enough. I wasn't flirting with him. I just needed to know he was out there looking at the same thing as me. For the longest time I hadn't gotten that validation. I needed it tonight. Before I could talk myself out of it, I pressed send.

If he really was a player like everyone thought, he probably wouldn't know it was me. He had probably just picked up some other girl to go watch the meteor shower with him. I jumped when my phone buzzed. I lifted it up and slid my finger across the screen.

"You're just not looking hard enough."

His words made my tears fall even faster. It wasn't the first time he had said those words to me. I remembered being back in his tree house, bickering over which stars made up certain constellations. He was the one that had always helped me see. He taught me to appreciate the smallest constellations. I wiped my tears away and tried to focus on the darkness above. The first time we had watched a meteor shower together, I swore I thought the stars were shooting out of the sky. He explained the difference to me with a whole bunch of terms I didn't understand. A part of me still believed it was the stars fleeing their spot in the sky. Escaping. Doing the one thing I could never seem to do.

I sat up as I saw the first meteor shoot across the night sky, just barely visible. A smile spread across my face as I grabbed my phone. "I just saw one," I typed out and pressed send.

"Told you so," he responded a few seconds later.

I rolled my eyes. He seemed more like his younger self via text message. I wasn't sure why. Probably because I wasn't distracted by his chiseled jaw line. I bit the inside of my lip and lay back down. I continued to stare at the screen of my phone instead of back up at the sky. It wasn't the stars that made me feel close to him right now. Or a lost pendant against my chest. I had the real him. I could say anything I wanted to him. But the years had silenced me. What could I say to a complete stranger who used to be my best friend, when all I wanted to do was apologize and tell him I forgave him too. I wanted us to start over. I wanted another chance to not let him down.

My phone buzzed in my hands before I could think of what to say.

"Are you happy?"

His words made me freeze. I closed my eyes for just a second, remembering when he had asked me that same question on the roof of my grandmother's house. Something seemed to tighten in my chest. I was able to say I was happy back then because I had him in my life. I still had my grandmother. I still had this undeniable sense of hope.

Because I hadn't met Don yet. I hadn't been beaten. I hadn't lost a baby. I hadn't given up.

I couldn't tell Miles the truth about who I was. But that didn't mean I needed to lie about my answer. I opened my eyes and typed the two letters that I was pretty sure I had forgotten how to use. "No." I pressed send. I was tired of telling everyone I was okay. I was tired of the lies. This was me reaching out.

Right after he had asked me if I was happy on my grandmother's roof, we had shared our first and only kiss. A kiss was probably an exaggeration. It was really just a peck. But we had kept our lips locked together for a few seconds. I remembered thinking I would never stop smiling.

I lifted the corners of my mouth and smiled at the sky. It terrified me that the sensation of smiling felt foreign to the muscles in my face. Like I had to strain in order to do it. And I couldn't help but think that if I had been stronger, I'd still have everything I had lost. Just the thought made my chest hurt.

My phone buzzed again. I looked down at his text: "Me either."

Was that him reaching out to me? Was he telling me that I could make him happy? The air suddenly felt heavy again. I thought about his version of what had happened when I entered foster care. He had talked about being an angry kid. I had been so preoccupied by my own pain, that I had never even bothered to ask if he was happy before. "I'm sorry if I ever let you down," I typed out and pressed send.

"You couldn't possibly."

I sat up and drew my knees to my chest, resting my chin on the top of my knee. I didn't know what to say back to him. If he knew who I was, he wouldn't have said that. Because all I had done since I was nine years old was disappoint him.

Another text came through from Miles. "Meet me on the corner of 6th and Pine in 20 minutes. There's this ice cream shop I think you might like that's open late."

I stared down at the words. I wanted to run to him. I wanted my life to be like a movie where everyone had a happy ending. The credits would start to roll right after I jumped back into Miles' arms. I shook my head. There was a reason I stopped watching Disney movies after my parents died. "I can't," I wrote back.

"You were happy that night in Central Park, right?"

"I was drunk."

"That wasn't why and you know it. Twenty minutes."

He had reached out to me just like I wanted. "I can't. I'm sorry, Miles." And I had stomped on his effort.

"I'll be waiting."

I placed my phone down beside me. Stop waiting for me. I buried my face in my knees and let my tears roll down my shins. Miles Young was the happy ending I would never get. I had four days. That was it. He had a whole lifetime to forget about me. I had ruined my life. I just hoped I hadn't ruined his too.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed when I started to hear a clanging noise growing closer to me. I knew the vigilante was climbing the emergency escape stairs up to the roof. But I really didn't want to see him. I quickly wiped my tears away just as he stepped onto the roof.

He walked over to me and stopped when he was directly in front of me. I blinked as I stared up at him. He put his hand out for me.

I shook my head.

He kept his hand out, waiting for me to grab it.

"I'm watching the meteor shower. I don't want to go in." I sounded like a petulant child.

"Okay," his voice rumbled as he put his hand into his pocket.

"How was your date with Liza?"

"That's why you're up here? You're jealous?" He didn't smile or laugh. Really, he showed no emotion at all. It shouldn't have surprised me. I knew what we were. A moment in time.

I sighed. "I'm not jealous." Maybe a small part of me was, but what did it matter? "You can do whatever you want."

He slowly knelt down in front of me and placed his hands on my knees.

I swallowed hard.

"I want you." He spread my thighs with his hands and leaned forward until his lips brushed against mine. "I need you." This time when our lips touched, it wasn't gentle. His hunger was back.

I put my hand at the base of his neck, pulling him closer. I needed him too. He so easily took away the pain in my chest. I knew that I was out of my mind. But I also knew that whatever this was could get me through another day.