CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Grace

My heart pounds in my chest as I come down from the high Owen has had me on. My hands go to his head as it lays on my tummy as he tries to get his breath back. My fingers knead through his hair gently. When my breath has returned to usual pace I try to move my legs and considering I’m a dancer - they’re as stiff as a board. Has it really been that long since sexual activities? Shit woman!

Owen lifts his head and places a kiss on my tummy, his scruff scrapes against my skin but enjoying the roughness of it. He moves slightly and I gasp. “I’m going to move.” he gently pulls out of me, sits on the bed and scrubs his hands over his face. He stands and looks at me, grins but his eyes are full of something else which I can’t read, I glance away so he doesn’t feel so uncomfortable and he walks from the room, picking up his jeans on the way.

Straightening my legs, I rub some life back into them and realise there’s a wet patch underneath me. Fuck! We didn’t use a condom. Rolling from the bed, I grab some clean underwear and until I can jump in the shower later, I throw some shorts and a vest top on. Sitting back on the bed I pull my knees into my chest and wrap my arms around them, placing my chin on top and wait for Owen to return. The door to the bathroom closes and I watch and wait for mine to open but it doesn’t. When he doesn’t return, I stand from the bed and head out into the living room where he’s pulling on his t-shirt. “Don’t put it on, on my account.”

He turns sharply and grins sadly. “Hey.” I ignore the play of emotions that seems to be raging through him as I kind of was expecting more from him but how can I be that heartless, instead I walk towards him.

“You okay?” He nods eagerly, he dips his head and kisses my lips. I know his head is working overtime right now so I give him some space and grab us a beer. I hold it to him then sit down as he takes it from me. With his back to me he takes a swig from the bottle then turns and walks towards me.

“We didn’t use a condom Grace.” His hands rub through his hair. “Fuck it. I’m clean, I promise but... I don’t know I’m sorry.” “I’m clean too if that’s what you’re worrying about and I have the contraceptive implant so don’t worry.” Taking a drink of my beer I let the sharpness of it hit my throat before swallowing it down. “You can talk to me you know, tell me how you’re feeling…” I tell him as I look up at him standing over me.

“Grace, this isn’t you, it’s about me. I didn’t expect to feel like this.” he sits down and hangs his head.

“Like what? Was it too soon? I mean I’m taking direction from you here.” I shuffle towards the edge of the couch and sit next to him trying to leave a gap between us. He glances across at me with a crooked smile.

“You’re beautiful.” He catches some hair and tucks it behind my ear away from my face. I smile at his compliment but it doesn’t help the churning in my tummy thinking he’s going to walk out that door at any minute.

“Owen, I can’t help but feel you regret everything that we’ve just done and just so you know -  I don’t, but you have to the one to walk away from this because I can’t...but I also won’t stand in your way. I know it’s hard for you and the condom issue has just added to it.” My fingers swipe away a tear before it has chance to fall. “This is my fault. When I left last night, I shouldn’t have come back, I should have walked away and gave you the space you needed.”

“But I’m glad you came back, I didn’t want you to go in the first place.”

I scoff. “Owen, honestly, you don’t know what you want. I’m here, but you’re not.” Pressing my lips together I try to think how to word the next part without hurting him, “I’m not the kind of woman that can have a fling, I don’t do one nighters and I’ve been told one too many times by my Mum and Meaghan that I wear my heart on my sleeve.” His eyes are intense as they try to take in what I’m saying, “what I’m trying to say is, if you can’t commit to this as a relationship then we should end it right now or at least put it on hold.”

“Grace...?”

I cup his face in my hands. “I need more, I want to be on your mind all the time. I want you to think about me when you're feeling down or lonely…. shit that sounds so selfish when I know you're going through so much... I'm sorry Owen, but I have to protect myself and as much as I'm protecting myself I'm trying to help you too.”

The tears which I’ve held back, fall as I feel them track down my face. His thumb catches it before it reaches my jawline and softly wipes it away. We seem to have been through so much but in such a short time and If I don’t do this then he won’t. I have to be the stronger one in this. “I’ll still see you when Ella comes to dance class, so nothing will change there and nothing will change between me and Ella.” I take in a deep breath, “we were supposed to take this one day at a time but we seemed to have leapfrogged over that.” My face drops into my hands as I speak. No longer holding back the tears I let them fall into my hands. “Why couldn’t you have just left? I would’ve dealt with it so much better.” I sniff back the ugly tears I’m crying. I’m tugged towards him as his both arms wrap around me cocooning me in his warmth. He rests his cheek on the top of my head while I cry because I know Owen Bates will never leave my heart.

“I’m sorry. I never meant for you to get hurt. I wanted this so badly.” He whispers then kisses my head, the protective arms that are holding me disappear and somewhere in the background the door shuts. Falling sideways to the couch I lay with my cheek on the cushions and cry even more.

Waking the next morning feels like I’ve been in some sort of hypnotic state, I’m groggy and my head is in a state of disbelief. I feel like he slept with me as a test for himself but I refuse to believe that. It just happened so quickly, but yet again I’ve laid my heart on the line and it’s always me to be the one that gets hurt but I’ve never felt like this before. I’m a believer in love, but right now it’s just bollocks. My heart is hurting... I vowed I wouldn’t fall for him yet I fell with a crash landing and didn’t even realise it.

Where’s Meaghan, where’s my best friend when I need her.