CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Grace

“I can’t take this anymore Meag, I need to see him. It’s been four weeks for fucks sake. I know I said to sort his head out but fuck. I thought he may have missed me…” My eyes turn downcast at the thought that he really doesn’t, surely, he would have been round here if he did. “He hasn’t brought Ella, it’s been his Mum and I think it’s me he’s been avoiding. He must hate me.” Oh god. My hands cover my eyes hoping that’s not the case.

“I doubt he hates you, maybe he just needs the time away from you to get his head around things.”

“You think?”

“Yes, I think.”

“What time is dickface coming?” I ask changing my mood instantly.

“Should be soon.”

“Okay, do you want me to go out and give you some space?”

“No that’s okay. I’d prefer you to be here.”

“Okay I’ll stay in the bedroom.”

 

While I’m in the bedroom I open my laptop and type in bereavement in the search bar, maybe if I knew how to help him it’ll help us both. I also apply for a job at the school Meaghan works at and hope I can get the position. I email the principal and tell him who I am, give him some brief detail and attach my CV to it, then close down my email and get back to reading up on grief when I hear that dick shouting.

“What the fuck do you mean you’re pregnant?!” Opening the door quietly I step out and walk across the floor lightly so he can’t hear me.

“Well, you’re lucky I’m even telling you, but don’t worry we won’t have a load of little Ross’s running about because I’m having an abortion.” Meaghan shouts back at him.

“What?” He steps back from her in shock as I rest my shoulder against the door frame, listening.

“I said, I’m having an abortion. I don’t want anything from you.” She answers his question a lot quieter than before.

“But that’s my baby too. You can’t.”

“I’m doing what’s best for both of us.” says Meaghan in a soft, unsure voice. “This way you don’t have to come clean and I won’t have to bring up a baby on my own and one that it’s father doesn’t want to have anything to do with him or her, having my child fighting all the time for his/her father’s respect or even love, that’s not fair.” I’m so proud of her, I know she’s fought for that all her life with her Dad.

“You bitch!” Ross sneers.

“Would you have preferred I didn’t tell you and just have the abortion? I couldn’t do that.”

“No, instead you take my child away from me. You selfish bitch. It’s all about you, isn’t it?” Meaghan shakes her head as the look of anger on his face is palpable. I step into the room as Meaghan breaks down and cries.

“I think it’s time to go.” I tell Ross from behind.

“I should’ve known you’d be here!”

“Well, I live here now leave. This is hard enough for her as it is.” The look of hatred in his face says everything but instead of saying anything else he turns and leaves slamming the door behind him. I hold my friend in my arms and let her cry it out.

 

It’s now been six weeks, four days and three hours since I’ve seen him. Not that I’m counting. My heart is in pieces, I really did think he’d be in touch, his Mum promises he’ll be would soon but I just get my hopes up so now I’ve stopped believing he will and I’m prepared to let it go - maybe. Ugh, who knows. Ella keeps asking when I’m coming around again and I don’t know what to tell her. I’m not equipped for telling a four-year-old lies. The feelings I realised I had for him a few weeks ago haven’t simmered they’ve just gotten more intense. I love him and I don’t think I’ll ever have the chance to tell him unless I work up the courage to go around there and I can’t see me doing that, I don’t want to invade his space.

“You ready to do this, Meag?”

Breathing in, she stands tall and closes her eyes. When she opens them she seems better, “Yes, let’s go.”

Pulling up on the clinic car park, I park up and head inside. I take a seat as Meaghan goes to the reception desk, then comes and sits next to me. “Oh fuck. Am I doing the right thing?”

“I don’t know sweetie, this isn’t for me to say, this needs to be your choice.” I grip her hand and hold it for some moral support.

“Meaghan Chater?” We both stand at the same time but she turns to face me.

“I’ll be fine. Thanks Grace.” Nodding I sit back down in my chair.

“If you’re sure.” She nods and turns to walk away, she reaches the nurse as she smiles softly at her and walks into a room with her. God, I hope she’s okay!

I unlock my phone and scroll through Facebook to pass the time away and pull up my texts, I see his name and just seeing that pains me. Opening the text, I click on the box and type ‘hi’ then delete it. I type it again... and delete again. Instead I close it down and push it back into my pocket.

Meaghan returns a few minutes later, eyes red and tears covering her cheeks. Pushing to stand up as she gets nearer she walks straight into my open arms. I hold her tight but seeing her so upset makes me cry too. I walk her to the car not loosening my hold on her until we have to get in, soothing her and telling her she’ll be just fine.

 

Pulling the covers over her in her bed, I leave her to sleep, she’s exhausted. She’s barely said a word since the clinic so I haven’t pushed her. Quietly, I walk away from her and begin to walk from the room. “Grace?” My head turns to face her, “Thanks... I couldn’t do it you know?”

“Walking back to the bed I sit down on the edge. “What do you mean - the abortion?” She nods her head, “you didn’t have it?” I ask trying to make head and tail from all this.

“I couldn’t. They wanted me to take a pill. It would be like having a miscarriage and I’d feel everything. How could I do that? Plus, they gave me a scan and I saw my baby on the screen and that was it... I just couldn’t. That’s my baby.”

“Oh, hun I’m sorry, but I’m kinda glad you didn’t but that’s for my own selfish reasons.” I hug her against me as she cries some more. “Just think of the fun we’ll have.”

“What about Ross?”

“Fuck him!”

“I have to tell him.”

“I agree, you do. Then let him make the choice of whether he wants it or not, because this baby will have the best Mum and Aunty a child can ask for. Now get some sleep you must be shattered.” Kissing her on the forehead I turn to leave again.

“Grace. Go and see Owen. I can’t bear to see you heartbroken anymore.”

Sending her a soft smile I head out of the room.

 

 

After sitting the car for the last half an hour and having sneaky looks into the window, hoping to catch sight of him, I decide it’s now or never. Banging on the door I stand and wait, standing under the canopy as far in as I can get out of the pouring rain. I decided to take Meaghan’s advice in the end, after pacing the room a few times anyway and telling myself it’s a stupid idea, but I’m not going to walk away, not until he’s heard what I have to say. The door swings open to Owen in a pair of shorts, no top and his lightly covered hairy chest in my eye line. “Grace?”

Looking up into his eyes, his soul. “Hey, erm... I need to say something.” Instead of waiting for him to invite me in I walk straight past him, taking a breath in... “Okay... I know I promised to give you some space and I was the one that walked away for that reason, but Owen, I can’t! I’ve tried not to think about you, I’ve tried to think of you as something else, a friend - whatever and I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.” I dip my head, I’m frightened to look in his eyes again in case I see something I don’t like - like rejection.

“Grace?”

I keep my eyes downcast and just decide to go for it. “No, don’t stop me just let me say this because if I don’t do it now I never will.” I take another calming breath, with my hands over my heart, “I love you! I love Ella too. I know you can’t handle that right now, but you needed to know…” chancing a look in his gorgeous eyes. I puff out the breath I held in so I can get that out.

He stands stock still, his eyes intense and his gorgeous face, stoic, not saying a word. Gazing up at him for some kind of sign, the chances of him feeling the same way has me doubting more and more as the seconds tick by. “Okay.” I nod feeling a little stupid and embarrassed that I put my heart on the line. “That’s all I really wanted to say.” Trying to swallow past the huge boulder in my throat proves hard, as my eyes begin to fill with water and my chin begins to wobble, I refuse to let them go though, so I hold them back...

He hasn’t said anything, he just stares, the corner of his lips turns up in a soft smirk but other than that – nothing, nada. Nodding I spin quickly on my heel and walk to the door. “Grace?”