Chapter Thirteen
Julian washed Steve’s dish and poured him fresh water, something he felt like he was doing constantly, rising and adding water to the bowl. His doorbell rang, taking him by surprise. He wasn’t expecting company, and since summer had started and school ended, Alex was at work at the library.
He hoped it wasn’t Billy. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with him right now. Julian had managed to track down his parole officer and give him the information he needed to know about the activities Billy was engaging in and what he’d asked of his sister. The rest was in their hands.
If Billy showed up here again, Julian would make it clear the cops would be waiting if he tried to contact his sister in the future.
He glanced through the peephole, shocked to see Kendall standing there. She wore a pretty summer dress and sandals, but her expression was serious and she didn’t look happy.
His pulse ratcheted up a notch as he opened the door and they came face-to-face.
“Hi.” She bit down on her lower lip, sounding hesitant.
“Hi.”
“Can we talk?” she asked.
He nodded. “Come on in.”
She stepped inside as Steve barreled toward her, excited to see her after so long. She took the time to give him the loving attention the dog desired, and he knew how pathetic it was that he was jealous of an animal.
He closed the door behind them. “Let’s go into the family room. Alex is at the library.” So they were alone.
“How was your trip?” he asked after they’d chosen their seats, apart from each other.
It fucking killed him that they’d come to this, because of his past and nothing that he or she had done now.
She wrung her hands, then picked up a tech magazine he’d left on the table in front of the sofa, then placed it back down. “My weekend in Maryland with the dogs was productive. The poor things. They showed me pictures and some were in such bad shape. But they’re good now.”
She smiled but it seemed brittle, as if she was as uncomfortable as he felt at the moment. “But I don’t want to talk about work. I just came from Kade and Lexie’s—well, I dropped Waffles off at home first instead of dragging her all over Manhattan—and… God, I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Was your talk with Kade about my visit?” he asked. Because he could only imagine what Kade had to say about their encounter at his office last week.
She blinked in surprise. “You went to see him?”
Julian rose and walked around the room, pacing because he couldn’t sit still. “I guess he didn’t think it was important enough to mention to you.”
“No, he had other things on his mind,” she said bitterly. “Like the fact that he hired a private investigator to watch you.”
Julian spun around. “Excuse me?” So that’s how Kade opted to mind his own business and let Julian screw things up on his own?
She looked away, as if embarrassed and unable to meet his gaze. But he didn’t blame her for her brother-in-law’s behavior.
“Kade said he called one right after Lexie found us together. I’m furious, Julian. I mean, Lexie knew. My own sister knew and didn’t tell me.”
She rose to her feet, coming up beside him and placing a hand on his shoulder. He welcomed the contact, as innocuous as it happened to be.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I had no idea they’d go to such ridiculous, insulting lengths. They had no right to invade your privacy that way.”
She was correct about that. Anger and disbelief swirled inside him, along with a bone-deep weariness that he had a hunch wouldn’t go away for a long time. Nothing he did, said, or had become made a difference to his one-time friend.
Before he could think things through more, Kendall continued. “I’m so hurt. I told them to trust my judgment. That you’ve proven yourself to me, and by extension, that should be good enough for them.”
“But it wasn’t.”
“No,” she agreed.
And it never would be, he thought. Because if Kade was willing to go so far as to have him spied on, hoping to find something to use against him, he’d never accept him in Kendall’s life. The knife in his back might be deserved after what he’d done to Kade, but at this point, when was penance enough?
Kendall looked at him with sad eyes. “And the irony is they think they have something on you. Something that should convince me you’re toxic and I need to steer clear.”
He let out a harsh, disbelieving laugh since he’d been nothing but a choir boy in the short time since Lexie walked through Kendall’s door and Kade had him watched.
“And what did he find?” Julian asked.
“He said a drug addict and ex-con has been coming by your apartment all weekend. And the fact that you’re hanging around and exposed to that kind of person when you have an addiction makes you bad for me.”
“And destined to use again, is that it?” Fury spun through his veins. “He has no idea how hard I worked to get clean. How determined I am to stay that way.”
“It’s Billy, isn’t it, who’s been coming around?” Kendall asked.
“Yeah.”
“I thought he was pretty clear that he didn’t want to be a brother to Alex?”
He blew out a long breath. “I’m sure Kade would be thrilled to know Billy came by to ask his eighteen-year-old sister to get people at school to come to him for drugs. Isn’t that fucking great?”
“Are you kidding me? That poor kid!” Kendall shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself tight.
“She was beside herself. I managed to calm Alex down and get ahold of Billy’s parole officer. I hope the bastard gets himself arrested. He hasn’t been around since she turned him down. It just took him awhile to catch her at home, so he kept coming over, and that’s what Kade’s investigator saw.”
She inclined her head in understanding. “I knew there was an explanation,” she murmured.
He blinked in surprise. “You believed in me?”
“Of course I did!”
Sweet relief coursed through him even as he comprehended the truth. “But that doesn’t matter.” Not to Kade. Not to her sister, the people who mattered most in her life.
She narrowed her gaze. “Why not? I’m telling you that I believe in you. I’m here, aren’t I? If this is because I took some time away from you, I’m sorry but—”
“It’s not about that.”
He stepped forward, took her hand, knowing that what he was about to do next would hurt her as much as it would devastate him. He just didn’t see any way around it.
“Then what is it about? Why doesn’t me believing in you matter?”
“It matters to me, more than you can possibly know.” Nobody had had faith in him for most of his life, except his sister.
Kendall’s belief meant everything. She meant everything to him, and because of that, he’d take care of her the only way he knew how. Even if it meant destroying a part of himself in the process.
“It’s about your sister and Kade—and your relationship with them.” He ran his thumbs over the tops of her hands, the touch so important to him. It would probably be his last. “You explained it to me. How much you need them in your life, and believe me when I tell you, I get it. I’d feel the same way if the situation were reversed and it was my sister. But I also now get there is no pleasing them or earning back trust.”
She opened and closed her mouth before speaking. “You don’t know that for sure. Given time—”
He shook his head. “I know it. Kade proved it. A PI?”
For Julian it was the last straw.
He’d apologized and he was a different person, but he still had his pride, and Julian sure as fuck wouldn’t grovel to Kade. Not that it would matter if he did. Kade would make it his mission to break up him and Kendall and destroy all the good things between them. He’d rather she have some positive memories of him than all shitty ones after Kade got through pitting them against each other and destroying what they shared.
He glanced down at their entwined hands. “I know what your sister, your twin, means to you. I won’t come between you, and I won’t make you choose.”
No decent human being would do that to her. Julian might not be perfect, but he wouldn’t hurt her that way. Better for him to break it off now and let her return to the life, the family she needed.
She blinked, her eyes watery, as comprehension dawned. “Just so I’m not making assumptions, you need to spell out exactly what you are saying.”
“I love you, Kendall, but this can’t work. Us.” He stepped back, putting distance between them because if he didn’t, he’d pull her into his arms and never let her go. “We can’t work,” he said, tearing out his own heart in the process.
Her eyes opened wide. “You tell me you love me while you’re breaking up with me?” Her voice rose, almost shattering his resolve to do what was best for her.
“I have to.” If an apology wasn’t good enough for Kade, if Kendall’s word wasn’t enough of a damned referral, if he was going to continue to look for things to nail Julian with, then he was out of options.
The kindest thing he could do for Kendall was to let her go, because if they stayed together, the family rift would only breed resentment. “I’m not going to force you to choose me or your family. I know what that will do to you. It isn’t fair of me to ask.”
Tears were in her eyes, then dripping down her face. “So instead you’ll take the choice out of my hands? God!” She stomped toward the door. “What did I do in my life that everyone thinks they can make my choices for me?”
He’d followed her to the entryway. “Kendall—”
“No. Lexie, I understand a little why she’s still making my choices for me. She’s had to clean up my messes for years, but you? I thought you respected me more than that.”
“I do. That’s why I have to do this.” But a little voice in his head asked if that was really true. If maybe he was sending her away not as much for her own good as for his.
Because he was the one afraid of being hurt when she walked away, weeks or even months down the road, when the family pressure became too much for her to bear.
She looked at him, hurt and betrayal in her gaze. “You keep telling yourself you did it for me, but it’s a lie and a cop-out. You’re afraid to face them by my side,” she said, her parting shot hitting hard before she grabbed the knob and stormed out, taking his heart with her.
No sooner had Kendall walked out of Julian’s apartment than he headed for the family room, picked up a glass of water he’d had earlier, and threw it against the wall in frustration and pain.
Before Lexie walked in on them at Kendall’s apartment, he’d been living in a bubble, ignoring the outside world, and happy to do it for too damned long.
Had he really thought he could have everything he wanted? When had life ever worked that way for him?
This thing he was building with Kendall, it was real.
And now it was over.
And he only had himself to blame. Kendall had a valid point. One that had begun to creep in the closer she walked to the door.
He was the coward.
He was the one afraid, while she’d been willing to fight for them. By his side.
Julian hadn’t wanted the high of drugs since he’d quit. He hadn’t needed the escape they offered.
Until now.
He hated feeling powerless, and that’s exactly the situation he was in. He’d given up everything he wanted for his future, let go of the woman he loved, and why? To make life easier? Or because he was afraid? Afraid to believe the world could hold good things for him? Afraid to believe he deserved them.
He ran a shaking hand through his hair. He hadn’t thought of himself during all this because blaming her family, giving her what she needed seemed easier than facing his own failings. And Lord knew he had many.
After promising he’d never hurt her again, that was exactly what he’d done. In the name of what was best for her.
But did the reasons really matter? The end result was inevitable at some point in the future anyway. Thanks to Lexie. And Kade. In time Kendall would realize he’d done her a favor. She’d have her family, her twin, her life. And he’d be alone.
Fuck.
He wished he had another glass within reach that he could throw against the damned wall. He didn’t. So instead of more destruction, instead of finding someone like Billy for a fix, he grabbed his keys and headed to a meeting.
Because the only way he had a chance of keeping what was left of his life together was to stay on his current path and stay clean.
Even if he was alone.
* * *
Kendall headed directly home from Julian’s, operating on autopilot, not letting herself think or feel, because if she did, she’d break down in the cab on the way to her apartment. She somehow managed to wait until she was safely inside before she let the pain go.
She leaned back against the door and slid to the floor, crying big, gulping, heaving sobs. She braced her arms on her knees, resting her head and allowing all the feelings she’d held back to surface.
Waffles, who’d come bounding over to greet her, licked her face and her tears with her rough tongue. Kendall was so heartbroken she couldn’t even bring herself to laugh at her dog’s antics. Instead she pulled Waffles close, taking comfort in her soft fur and warm body.
How had things fallen apart so badly? Probably a stupid question. A part of her had known all along it would end this way, but she’d been in denial, wanting to think her twin would choose Kendall’s happiness over the bitterness and anger of Kade and Julian’s ugly past. Especially when both Lexie and Kade saw how much Julian had changed. But they wouldn’t even consider the possibility.
And then Julian had taken himself out of the relationship without even giving them a chance to face the world together. Come what may.
As she’d stood in that office and listened to Kade and Lexie basically undermine her judgment, her self-esteem, the very core of who she was today, she’d known. If push came to shove, if she had to choose, she’d pick Julian. She’d even warned her twin not to put her in that position.
Because Kendall deserved a happy, fulfilling life as much as her sister did. And when she’d almost lost Kade thanks to Kendall, what had Lexie done? She’d decided it was time to live her own life.
Kendall had wanted to do the same. And she’d intended to tell Julian just that. She’d even started to try—until he’d done the same thing her twin had. He’d taken her choices away from her.
Despite the fact that he, of all people, understood what it was like to fight to come back from rock bottom, to be a new and different person, capable of making good, strong decisions, he’d ended things.
Because he was afraid. She’d seen it in his eyes, his expression when he’d let her go. It had been easier to break things off now than to go through the fire together. Maybe he didn’t trust they were strong enough to come out the other side. Or maybe he just didn’t believe in himself.
She was so disappointed in him.
So hurt.
So destroyed.
Because he loved her… and she loved him, too, very much, and yet he hadn’t given her a chance to even say the words before he’d ripped everything she wanted in life away from her.
She wiped her tears on her bare arms and rose to her feet, heading to the bathroom for a tissue. Somehow, she made it through the rest of the day. It helped that she did a grocery run and returned with pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream to binge on in her despair.
Her cell rang, and a quick glance told her it was Lexie calling. Kendall had nothing to say to her sister, so she sent the call directly to message. She needed to calm down before she could have a rational conversation with her twin.
When the texts began coming in, too, Kendall shut off her cell. She knew Julian meant what he said and he wouldn’t be texting or calling to say he’d changed his mind. So she didn’t want to talk to anyone right now.
She cried herself to sleep, and by the next morning, a healthy anger at Lexie and Kade and Julian had taken over the pain and crying. She was furious at their audacity to make decisions for her. To run her life. To not believe in her enough.
But she still had a job to do, so she headed to work and spent the morning in the back rooms of the shelter cleaning out the stalls with a garden hose. There were a lot of unglamorous parts of the job, and she did them all. She didn’t object to the mindless chore. Someone had to clean and it gave her time to think.
Except today there was nothing she wanted to dwell on. Josie sensed her mood, asked her if she wanted to talk, and when Kendall declined, she left her to her own thoughts.
After she finished in the stalls, she returned to the front office to complete more of the paperwork from the dog transfers this past weekend.
When her cell rang, her instinct was to automatically send it to voice mail, but instead she glanced down, surprised to see Alex’s name on the screen.
“Hello?” Kendall asked, resting an elbow on the desk as she spoke.
“Hi, Kendall?”
“Hi, Alex. How are you?” she asked.
“Umm, good. Listen, you said I could come to you for anything, right?” Her voice sounded uncertain.
“Of course. What’s up?”
Alex cleared her throat. “A guy asked me out, I said yes, and now I have nothing to wear on the date,” she said in a rush, as if she was embarrassed and had to spit out all the information at once, before she lost her nerve. “I never really had someone to help me with girl stuff. Would you come shopping with me?”
Relieved it was something so easy, Kendall answered immediately. “Of course I’ll go with you.” Considering it could have been a call about Alex’s brother, Kendall considered this request a win.
She’d be happy to help Alex find something for a date. Not only would it boost the young girl’s self-esteem to have something new and pretty, the shopping trip would be a great distraction for Kendall. One she needed badly.
“Thank you,” Alex said on a huge, relieved exhale. “I mean, I couldn’t ask Julian to go with me, that would be so weird, and I had no idea what to buy if I went alone.”
Kendall laughed, ignoring the pang in her chest at just the mention of Julian’s name. She wondered if Alex knew they’d broken up. Regardless, she was glad the young girl felt comfortable enough to turn to her when she needed something.
“When can you go?” Kendall asked.
They made plans for tomorrow night after they both got off work, and Kendall disconnected the call.
Her life might have gone to hell, but at least Alex’s was looking up.
* * *
A week had gone by since Julian let Kendall walk out of his life. Technically he’d sent her away. And he was still wrestling with why he’d done it. Who he was protecting? Her? Or himself?
He didn’t like the answer he came up with, but he was no closer to knowing how to fix the mess he’d made of his life.
He wasn’t in the mood for a meal now, but Nick insisted they meet at the place they usually chose after a meeting.
The man always knew when Julian was floundering. Everyone should have such a solid friend.
“So you fucked things up with Kendall?” Nick asked bluntly before he even sat down. He settled into the booth and eyed Julian with concern.
“What makes you think that?”
Nick set both arms on the table and leaned forward. “I haven’t heard from you in a week, and you canceled dinner Sunday night by calling Lauren and leaving a message on her cell. None of which is like you. So something’s wrong, and the only thing I can come up with is Kendall. She’s the one with the power to hurt you.”
“And yet you think I’m the one who fucked it up?”
“Did you?” Nick asked.
“Yes. In a big way.” Julian ran a hand through his hair. “I haven’t slept. I’ve barely eaten. I just—”
Nick picked up a butter knife and twirled it in his hands. “Slow it down and tell me. I’ll understand. Because if you think my road to happiness with my wife was easy, you’re wrong. I was an alcoholic from the time I was in my teens. She had a lot to put up with before and after I sobered up. So I understand mistakes better than most.”
“Can I take your order?” the waitress who had walked over to the table asked.
“Please give us a minute,” Julian said. He waited until she stepped away and glanced at Nick. “I broke it off because Kade will never come around. He hired a PI to check up on me and will do anything to keep me away from her. If I stayed, it would be like forcing her to choose between me and her twin. Nobody should have to do that, especially not Kendall.” Not when friends were hard to come by and she had her own struggles in life.
“Hmm. And what did she say about this… magnanimous, asinine gesture?” Nick asked, calling it as he saw it.
As it was.
Julian winced. “She all but called me a coward.”
Nick burst out laughing. “I knew I liked that girl.” He sobered, his smile leaving his face. “Now tell me why you really sent her away.”
Julian roughly exhaled. “Didn’t you ever hear of preemptive behavior? It was going to come to this eventually. I just did it before she resented me, not after.” The words sounded thick and untrue on his tongue.
Nick shook his head. “Really?” He obviously didn’t buy it, either.
“No. I mean I don’t want her to have to choose. It hurts me to think of doing that to her, but that’s not the main reason I ended things. I did it because it’s going to hurt a fuck of a lot more when she ultimately walks away the longer we stay together.”
“Aha. So you are a coward.” Nick pointed at him accusingly with the butter knife.
“Fuck you.”
“For being right?”
And that was why Nick was such a reliable friend. Julian could count on him to hit him where it hurt and make him face a truth that had been circling in his head all week.
Julian groaned. “To make matters worse, I haven’t called her in a week. I thought I was doing us both a favor but damn. I fucked up. I miss her. And I don’t want Kade dictating how I live my life. Nobody should have that kind of power over another human being. I screwed up, but I don’t deserve that kind of punishment forever.”
“No, they shouldn’t,” Nick agreed. “But as for Kade, I’m not sure he’s the villain you’re making him out to be. Put yourself in his place. Your sister-in-law comes to you and says trust me, this guy who screwed you over is really a good man. You’re going to just buy into it?”
“No.” Julian pinched the bridge of his nose. He had to make this better.
He needed Kendall in his life, and she needed him in hers.
“You have a plan?” Nick asked.
Julian rolled his head, the muscles in his neck and shoulders stiff. Although he’d waited a week, though he’d wallowed in self-pity, in the back of his mind, he’d known all along what he needed to do.
He’d just needed time to put the pieces together in his mind, to work out his own demons in his head. “I plan to let Kade know I’m not going to back down—and that I mean it this time. That I’m in it for the long haul. That’s the only way to prove I’m the man I say I am.”
“And then?” Nick asked, an approving grin on his face.
“I’ll go get my girl.”