“I’m going to have a game of poker with the guys, okay?”

I smiled thinly as Carson kissed my lips, trying desperately not to blanch at the words ‘the guys’. I expected things to change after that day. I thought things were going to improve, Carson made all the promises in the world and for one stupid moment I believed him. I guess I was drunk and vulnerable, and I just didn’t know where to turn. Parker had rejected me and I just wanted to be loved. Pathetically I still believed that Carson did, even after what he did to me. Even after seeing those women...

“Okay, I will wait for you in the bedroom then, watch some television.”

Please see how needy I am, I yelled in my mind. Please, just for once put me first...

But of course he didn’t sense anything. Maybe it was time to finally try a different tactic. “Wait, Carson,” I touched his arm gently as he pulled away. “I know you have your plans tonight, but do you think that maybe you could come up to see me a bit earlier? I could just use some comfort.”

“Oh yeah, why is that?” His eyes glazed over, I could see his whole body shutting down. I hated to admit it, but he just wasn’t interested in me. Maybe Carson couldn’t do commitment, maybe he liked the first few carefree months, but when things started to get serious he shut down. That wasn’t a quality I particularly wanted in a future husband, but I didn’t exactly have a wide range of options right about now.

“I guess I’m just feeling a little vulnerable...”

“This isn’t about your mom again, is it? I think you should be past that by now. Maybe it’s time to get medicated for it, or something. It’s been far too long. Or maybe you should just have another drink, you’re pretty good at that.”

I was utterly stunned, so much so that I couldn’t form a response however hard I wanted to. Okay, so Carson didn’t have any experience with grief, but that didn’t mean he had to be so cold hearted about it. Parker wasn’t, when we talked about it...

No, I wasn’t thinking about Parker.

“So, I best get going,” he kissed me on the top of my head, and despite my utter horror I simply let him do it. It was as if my entire body had turned into a statue. “I don’t want to keep the guys waiting for too long.”

As he walked off, my body shuddered fearfully under his horrific words. It was absolutely crystal clear now that he’d never be the one for me. I couldn’t continue on being with Carson just because I was lonely, or on the basis that one day he would follow through on one of his promises. He was never going to change, it was time to accept that.

But what else could I do? Nothing was an option, but I knew that if I didn’t take at least some sort of action I would fall back into this rut. Still, my next plan of action didn’t matter, first I had to get this shit done.

“Wait!” I called out loudly. “Just a minute.”

“What is it now?” I watched in sick amazement as he glanced down at his watch. He didn’t have time for me, just like my dad didn’t. This was a cycle that I needed to break. “You know I’m busy, right? I just made that clear to you.”

“Well, you won’t have to worry about me getting in the way of your life anymore. I’m going.”

“Oh God, if it means that much to you I’ll end the game early. Only tonight though, I can’t make a habit out of it.”

A strange, unexpected grin burst across my cheeks as relief rolled over me in waves. For the first time in eighteen months I was doing the right thing for me. It was the first time since I lost her that I could feel Mom’s presence beaming warmly down on my shoulders, giving me some guidance.

“No, I don’t want that.” I grabbed my bag and slung it over my arm. “I’m going home. I don’t think I’ll be coming back again, I’ve let you walk all over me for the very last time.”

“Walk all over you?” Carson had the audacity to look incredulous. “Are you fucking kidding me? I took you on despite the fact that you were obviously a fucking mess. I put up with your childish, idiotic drunk behavior. I continued dating you despite the fact that you’re just a miserable bitch. Maybe I don’t want you around anymore, you’re too much hassle.”

“Fine by me.” I shrugged, unaffected by his words. He was only saying all of that because his feelings were hurt, and he was giving me what I wanted anyway. If he needed to act like the breakup was all on him, that was his prerogative. “I’ll get out of your hair then.”

“Oh, fuck you, Hannah. You are a mess. You deserve to be with that pathetic gross piece of shit.” I moved to walk away from him, not wanting to hear another word of his vile spew. “You think he’s hard because he hit me? He’s rough, that’s what he is. He will never be able to keep you in the lifestyle you need.”

“This has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you.”

“You’re kidding yourself.” He raised his eyebrows suspiciously and shook his head at me. “I’ve seen the way you look at him, it’s pathetic. You’re like a lovesick puppy, a child with a crush.”

My pulse bulldozed through my body, but I did my utmost to push all of that to one side. The last thing I wanted was for Carson to see that he was getting under my skin. I didn’t care what he thought about Parker anyway, he was a million times the man that he was, and it didn’t have anything to do with him.

“Goodbye, Carson,” I shot back firmly. “Don’t contact me anymore.”

“I won’t!” he cried out as I slammed his front door closed with a bang. As I shut him out, I felt a real satisfying sense of closure. I knew now that I wouldn’t go back, there was nothing inside that house for me. Carson had never been my book, he was just a small, unwelcomed chapter within it. A learning curve that I was done with now.

Onwards and upwards, that was the only way. But to where?

As I kicked my car into gear and I drove it off of Carson’s property, I tried to work out where I wanted to go next. I knew who I wanted to see, but he was gone, or... at least I thought he was. Maybe in the spirit of closure I should try just one last time with Parker. Maybe it would turn into nothing, but it was much better to know than to always wonder ‘what if?’.

Ring, ring... Ring, ring... Ring, ring...

I wasn’t yet brave enough to try and contact him, I needed to work out where he was, and there was only one person I could think of to speak to about that. I used the car phone feature to get the answers I so desperately needed while I was out on the road.

“Hello?” his voice sounded wary, like he wasn’t sure what my mood was going to be. In his defense the last time we spoke I did freak out and tell him to leave me alone, just because he dared to suggest that Carson wasn’t right for me.

I should’ve listened...

“Dad, I’m sorry for our row the other day, I didn’t mean to say those horrible things.”

“I didn’t need to hear it, not when I was in the office.”

I clutched onto my chest, trying to stop my heart from tearing. No matter what, work would always come before me... but this wasn’t the time or place to argue about that. “Right, well again I’m very sorry about that. I just wanted to know if you’ve heard from Parker?”

“Didn’t he tell you? He’s been deployed again.”

Deployed? But he told me he was going because we couldn’t be together. He lied to either me or dad. “Was that it? Did he give you any details about when? And for how long?”

“He isn’t coming back to work with you, if that’s what you’re asking,” Dad interjected wryly. “I don’t know what you did to push him away, but he’s long gone now.”

“I just... I need to talk to him, that’s all. Can you give me his address or number?”

“Hannah, don’t you think it’s best to leave this situation alone? You have your own mess to deal with, how about Carson...”

“Carson is gone.” I silenced him with three simple words. My dad might not know a lot about me, but he would understand the magnitude of this statement. I hoped he would get that this was the first step in self-improvement. “I broke up with him.”

“Okay, I will text you Parker’s address. Just... be careful, okay?”

This was the closest thing that I’ve ever had to a father-daughter chat with my dad, and it brought tears to my eyes. I was ridiculously touched by him offering me... well, absolutely no advice whatsoever.

“Thanks, Dad, I will.”

My emotions danced all over my body as I thought about seeing Parker again. I had absolutely no idea what he would say, if he was even here, but I had to know for certain. This was positive progress and if I wanted that to continue then I had to do this too.

I just hoped I could control the tingles tearing right through me.