I nodded slowly, getting Parker’s meaning exactly. He wanted me to call Carson, he wanted me to fix things with my boyfriend. The weird, buzzing, underlying flirting that had been going on all week didn’t mean anything to him. Maybe it wasn’t even real, it was possible that I’ve imagined it all out of sheer desperation. I wasn’t getting the human connection where I should be, so I invented it in another place. It was tragic.

“Okay, sure.”

I grabbed my cell phone and turned away from Parker, unable to look at those kind, inviting eyes any longer. Looking at him made me feel powerful, and extremely unhelpful, emotions. This time alone together had done nothing to dull that, nor had the alcohol. With Parker, booze did nothing to calm down the whirlwind he sent bulldozing through me.

As I listened to the ringing sound, I blinked frustrated tears out of my eyes. Carson would be here soon, this would all be a distant memory. Any feelings I ever thought I had for Parker would soon be forgotten, which was exactly what I needed.

“Hey there, babe.” My chest swelled with happiness as Carson answered, at least I could get some answers now.

“Oh good, Carson, where are you? I’m at The Oasis waiting for you and it’s been ages. I don’t think I can even check into the room without you.”

Was it obvious that I’ve been drinking from my voice? I spent so much effort trying to avoid that becoming an issue that the party like sounds in the background of the call didn’t register.

“Oh yeah, I know, I’m still stuck at work. The boss is really riding my ass. Give me another hour and I’ll be there.”

“Promise?” I knew that I sounded childish and needy, but that was exactly how I felt.

“Sure, babe, I have to go. See you soon. Oh, and I’m sure you can check into the room, it might be worth giving it a try.”

“Right, okay, love you. Bye.”

I was talking to the dial tone, but I didn’t want Parker to know that he’s already hung up on me. That was far too shameful. If he wasn’t interested in me, then I couldn’t admit Carson wasn’t either. For some reason I desperately needed him to believe that someone loved me.

“Okay, so Carson is still at work,” I told him with a huge, incredibly fake, grin. “But he won’t be much longer, and he seems to think that I can check into the room so that’s something. At least with a room key I can go down to the spa.”

“Right, shall I go and check? I can ask at the front desk for you.”

All the familiarity between Parker and I was long gone, he had snapped back into professional mood and that really stung. I enjoyed our comradery, it felt like a little taboo, exciting secret just for me. Even knowing that it couldn’t go anywhere, I still liked it.

In that moment, I felt an intense burst of pure, ice cold hatred for Carson. It was his fault that Parker and I had been given so much time to connect, and now it was his fault that our bond was being stripped away. And he wasn’t even here to make up for it. What the hell was his problem?

I stared up at Parker, gasping a little breathlessly, needing him. If he leant down to kiss me, I would’ve happily leaned into that kiss. I would’ve given him my absolute everything, I probably would’ve taken him up into that damn room and squashed the sexual chemistry that I could still feel, sizzling between us underneath the surface... but of course he wasn’t going to. As his eyes flickered downwards, I tried my utmost not to let the disappointment crush me. He’s already made it obvious that I wasn’t wanted.

“Yes, thank you.”

I felt empty, hollow, absolutely gutted. Everyone around me had let me down, I was isolated and incredibly alone. This was the exact emotion that always drove me to drink, and it seemed that today would be no different. I sunk my cocktail in one fell swoop, not even caring if anyone was watching me. Fuck them, all of them. They had no idea what was going on in my life, they had absolutely no clue what I’ve suffered. Who cared if I was being judged? Certainly not me, not anymore...

I staggered over to the bar, with the whole world spinning around me, and propped myself up against it. I glanced around at what was supposed to be my paradise, noticing an ugliness to it that wasn’t there before. In my mind, The Oasis had always been this incredible experience that I needed to have at least once in my life. I assumed I’d love the sheen of the place, that the luxurious, tropical feel would lift my spirits, but now it was all just fake. The bright blue of the water was unrealistic, the palm trees were gross and plastic, even the people weren’t real. Each one of them had the obvious signs of surgery. No one, nothing was real.

I needed to go home, this wasn’t for me after all. Spending time with Parker had given me a different view of the world, I’ve begun to recognize that things didn’t have to look perfect, to be amazing, but it had all been for nothing. I would never get the chance to touch his oddly beautiful scar, I would never get to see if any other parts of his body were slightly damaged, I would always be left completely in the dark.

The lesson that I’ve learned would always be for nothing.

“What can I get you?” The bartender interrupted my morose internal monologue with her sweet, syrupy tone.

“Don’t care, cocktail, please. Whatever.”

“Right okay. Is everything alright, Ma’am?”

Oh God, ‘Ma’am’. I was old enough to be a Ma’am and I had absolutely none of my life worked out. I’ve lost my writing career, things with Carson were never going anywhere, if I didn’t make some serious changes I would be stuck in this route forever more. The only problem was that I didn’t know where to even begin making any changes. Nothing was going to plan.

“Erm, yeah, everything’s fine.”

“Are you here with your boyfriend?”

My boyfriend... Carson.

I knew that it wasn’t perfect, but no relationship ever was, right? Mom and Dad always fought a lot when she was still alive, but they still loved each other fiercely. Just because Carson wasn’t exactly my Prince Charming, didn’t mean I had to break up with him just because he hadn’t been total in tune with my needs the last few weeks. In his defense, I hadn’t told him what I was feeling. I couldn’t expect him to be a mind reader.

Maybe it was me that needed to change. Maybe if I made a few edits to myself, this could work. I did love Carson after all, he was an awesome guy.

“Yeah, I am,” I smiled proudly, shaking off all my doubts.

“I thought so, when I saw you two together earlier on I thought that you were perfect for one another. I’ve never seen a couple with as much chemistry as you two.”

“Huh?” Oh no, it suddenly hit me like a slap in the face. This woman thought that Parker was my boyfriend. “Oh right, no that isn’t my boyfriend. He isn’t quite here yet. He will be soon though.”

“Oh... erm right.”

My face flamed as her mistake burned my emotions hard. The last thing I needed was to be reminded of the connection I had with the man who didn’t want me. We didn’t have a real chemistry anyway, not like Carson and I. Once she saw us together she’d regret ever mentioning Parker.

“Can I have another one of these?” I needed to get even drunker if I was going to survive this. “Actually, make that two. And bring them over to the sun lounger over there, I need a rest.” My exhaustion was more emotional than physical, but she didn’t need to know that. “Thanks.”