Chapter 6
In the two weeks since I started seeing Isaac, I’ve spent most of my free time with him. I look forward to his class because I get to see him in a whole different light when he delivers his lectures. I’ve been doing my best to ignore the ever-present rumors swirling around about who he may be sleeping with this semester. My name hasn’t been brought up so we must be hiding our relationship well.
I haven’t been able to see Isaac much in the last few days because he’s had meetings with the other department heads to talk about academic ratings and all that. It’s homecoming week so that means there’s a huge campus-wide party tonight. I’m getting ready for a day filled with college fun. It’s our last homecoming and we’ve decided to pretend like we’re the school spirit types and join in.
My phone buzzes. I have a text message from Isaac, it’s a picture. I pause, wondering if he’s one of those weirdos who sends dick pics. I take a chance and open the message. It’s a picture of his empty bed with a caption, “felt like something was missing.” I send a smiley face back and start to wake CeCe. My phone vibrates again with another picture message When I open it, it’s his empty shower with a caption, “here too.” I send him a blushing emoticon.
By the time CeCe finally rolls out of bed, we don’t have time for breakfast. As we cross the street to enter campus, my phone alerts me to yet another picture message from Isaac. This time, it’s a picture of his couch with a caption that reads, “my new favorite spot.” I blush and send him a message, “I can’t wait to see you tonight.”
CeCe and I are almost to the arts building and I’m grinning like an idiot. She doesn’t talk to me because she hasn’t had any coffee yet. We get to the lecture hall and my phone vibrates again. Isaac tells me he can’t wait and adds a winking face. I’m still smiling when we order coffee from a coffee cart on campus.
“Fuck!” I say much louder than I intended.
Sitting on a bench across the quad is Jeremy. He has his arm around a girl who could have been my twin. I want to run away immediately. But I also want to walk up to him and tell him I’m not afraid of him. I want to tell the girl to head for the hills. I want to order a hot coffee just so I can throw it in his face. But all I can do is stand frozen.
“What the hell is he doing here? Isn’t he banned from campus?” CeCe demanded.
I shake my head because I can’t articulate what I’m thinking. I don’t want to be here. I want to bolt but I don’t want to give him any power over me anymore.
In a seemingly trance-like state, I walk in their direction. I don’t notice a crack in the cement. In true Liv style, I trip, sprawling across the ground. You have to be kidding me. Before I can hoist myself to my feet, strong hands wrap around my waist. The electricity is undeniable; I know the feel of his hands on my skin. Isaac gently lets go when he’s sure I’m upright. I try desperately to avoid looking at him but I can’t stop myself. Our eyes meet and my stomach drops, he’s looking through me. It’s like he doesn’t want to know me.
The sting I feel at his lack of recognition disappears when I notice Dean Price standing beside him.
“Are you alright, Miss Hanover?” Isaac inquires politely.
I nod, “I’m okay. I just noticed my ex is here and got a little flustered.”
He locks eyes with me for a moment. I see the difference in his expression as he registers what I’m telling him.
The dean laughs, “Hopefully he finds your clumsiness endearing if you’re looking to win him back.”
Isaac throws a disgusted look at his boss and starts to defend me but I cut him off, “I honestly don’t care what he thinks. He shouldn’t even be allowed on this campus after what he did to me in that building right over there,” I gesture towards my old dorm, “You should really have your security people check the guest list and have them remove abusive assholes who try to rape innocent girls.”
Dean Price is speechless. Isaac gives me a look that’s somewhere between pride and awe. The dean mutters his apologies to me and goes in search of a security guard.
“Where is he, Liv?” Isaac asks gently.
I use my head to gesture in Jeremy’s direction, “Over there. That poor girl has no idea what she’s in for.”
“Well, we don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, Liv,” CeCe tells me softly.
“I’m not going to live like that. He isn’t going to ruin my day,” I say as I start to head towards an unsuspecting Jeremy.
I hear CeCe swear behind me. I know she’s ready to jump in if she has to, but I don’t plan to let her spend another night in jail. I walk up to Jeremy with confidence.
“Olivia!” He looks like he’s about to shit his pants. Good.
“I’m not here to talk to you. I’m here to talk to her,” I point at his friend, “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. Or maybe you do. But you need to know that he is not a good guy. He is dangerous. Ask him about the time he spent in prison, then make sure you ask him why the hell he ended up there.”
The girl looks at me in surprise and instinctively leans away from Jeremy. He gives me a look that could have killed me.
“I will not let you intimidate me. I cannot stand by and see you acting all nice and sweet with this poor girl. So glare at me all you want you piece of shit. You destroyed me. You turned me into a puddle of self-doubt and made me think I deserved it. You were wrong. I am stronger than you know. I want you to remember that every time you even think about laying a hand on another woman.”
I confidently turn on my heel and walk away. I catch a glimpse of Isaac to my right. He’s standing by the building where his office is and holds his phone up so I know there’s a message. He goes inside the building without another glance. CeCe is giving me a full smile. She proudly flips Jeremy the bird as we walk away.
“Isaac wants to talk to me, I’ll be back!” I tell her as I follow his lead.
I take a deep breath before I open the door to the lecture hall. Isaac is sitting at his desk with his head buried in his hands. I instantly feel like the worst person in the world. If the nature of our relationship thus far gets out, he could lose his job. I close the door behind me and turn the lock on the doorknob.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you’d be here today,” I tell him.
“Liv,” the shock and indifference in his voice fills me with hurt.
“I’m so sorry. I’ve jeopardized your job. I don’t know what to say. Did the dean ask you any questions after I went to talk to Jeremy?”
“Liv,” he’s holding something back from me.
Isaac closes the distance between us in three strides. His eyes are clouded in an emotion I can’t quite pin down. Suddenly, he’s kissing me and I’ve got my hands tangled in his hair again. This man knows how to get my motor running, but I have to stop this now. I slow our kiss, pulling back from him gently.
“Wait,” I say softly.
“I don’t care. I don’t care that you’re a student. I haven’t felt this alive inside since I lost Ellen.”
“That doesn’t answer any of my questions. Did the dean say something to you?”
“Aren’t you listening to me? I don’t care.”
“Are you listening to yourself? This could mean the end of your career. You can’t throw this away. I won’t be responsible for that.”
“Can’t we talk about this?”
“Not until you tell me what the dean said.”
“It wasn’t the dean. It was another professor. He saw the way I looked at you. He was watching me while you confronted Jeremy.”
I’m silent. All I can think about is how good it feels to be so close to him.
“We have to end this. Isaac, I care too much about you to destroy your life.”
“Please don’t do this, Liv.”
“I have to,” I say as tears beginning streaming down my face.
Isaac closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them again I see that same look, but I’m prepared this time. He is still very close to me so it doesn’t take much for him to lift my chin to kiss me again. This kiss is different. The first was full of longing, this one is hesitant and sweet. When it ends, he leans his head into mine until our foreheads are touching.
“Come over tonight. We have to talk about this somewhere else.”
I nod breathlessly.
The fun day we’d planned doesn’t offer as much fun as I’d hoped. CeCe and I give up after a few hours and go back home. I tell her about my intense talk with Isaac and that I’ve decided to end things. She gives me the space she knows I need. I try to mentally prepare myself for the conversation I’m about to have. I practice what I’m going to say as I slowly walk down my steps and up his.
Despite the fact that I want to be with him, I cannot put either of us at risk just because I like having sex with him. I arrive at his door and knock. Isaac opens the door and smiles; it’s almost enough to change my mind. I take a deep breath and carefully walk inside. When we’re seated on the couch, I explain to him that we cannot be together.
“We can’t have a relationship, Isaac. You know damn well that if your professor friend picked up on something just from the way you were looking at me that someone else is going to figure this out too.”
"This is not going to get out. I would never let that happen to you, or to me."
"I don't blame you for this at all. I'm the one who took us from a hot make-out session to becoming fuck buddies on this couch."
"Fuck buddies? That's what you think this was about?" He angrily gets up and walks away.
I'm confused for a moment. I don't know what to think about any of this. I follow him to the kitchen where he has poured himself something on the rocks. Isaac sees me come in and offers me a drink. I accept and drink it silently as he drains his glass.
"Did I say something wrong?"
"I don't know, let me see," he pauses, pretending to think, "I finally break down and talk to you after staring at you in a coffee shop for months. We have a few great conversations and I realize you're just as attracted to me as I am to you. I have the most amazing sex of my life, twice in one night. I'm not trying to fuck with your head when I tell you that I haven't felt anything like this in over twenty years. And you're over there telling me you just saw this as chance to get laid?"
"I'm trying to be responsible here. You're making it way too hard. I don’t want to hurt you."
We stare at each other as I finish my drink and he pours himself another. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. He doesn't want to end this, but we have to. I don't want to end this, but I have to be the one to hold my ground. How could I have gone from staring at him one day to barely being able to stop myself from ripping off his clothes the next?
"How was it the best sex of your life? You were in love with your wife, that had to be better than anything."
"Liv, I'm not saying I'm in love with you because we hardly know each other. But there's something about you that I can't figure out. I can tell you with complete certainty that being with you far surpasses all the times I made love to my wife."
I gingerly set my glass down and try to maintain my composure. Isaac is telling me things that just don't make sense in my mind. Love is out of the question right now. He's looking at me with something more than lust, he doesn't just want my body, he wants me. I take a cautious step around the counter. I know that if I go to him now I won't be able to break this off and leave it in the past. Isaac waits for me to make my decision, I think he wants me to know that I have the power here and that he would never try to force me one way or the other. I take another step towards him, I'm only one step away.
"I don't have class tomorrow, or any plans for the weekend," I say simply.
"Neither do I, but I was thinking about taking a weekend trip to my father's cabin."
"Oh, you should do that. Clear your mind," I do my best not to show him that my heart just dropped.
"I only started thinking about it when you started walking towards me. I had no intention of going alone."
The heat between us is more than metaphorical. I take the last step and he quickly wraps me in his arms. I have my face buried in his chest and take in the scent of him. He kisses the top of my head before lifting my face to his; he kisses me gently at first but deepens the kiss after a few moments. It’s so stupid of me but there's no way I want to end this. He runs his fingers slowly down my spine with one hand while holding the back of my head with the other. I've got both arms wrapped around his neck, fingers firmly curled into his hair. He leaves my mouth and begins to travel down my neck. I'm so caught up in the moment that I almost don’t hear the doorbell ring. Isaac steps back and takes a deep breath. I register the concern in his expression; he isn't expecting anyone.
"I'll stay in here; we can continue this conversation when you get back.”
Isaac opens the door to the visitor and I am instantly on high alert.
"Dean Price, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Isaac asks in the entryway; his voice is tense.
"I noticed your lights on and thought I’d stop over to see how your trip was and have a drink with an old friend."
We’re so screwed.
Chapter 7
I quickly put my glass in the sink. I look around desperately for somewhere to hide. My only option is his pantry. I shrink into the back of the closet in case the door is opened for some reason. I listen as their voices travel down the hall.
"I'm actually busy tonight, Robert. I'm heading out of town tomorrow."
"I'm sure you have time for one drink with me."
"I hate to be rude, but I really don't have time tonight."
"Isaac, do you have a girl in here?"
My heart stops. Why would he think there's a girl here? I don't think I left anything out where he could see it. Then my stomach drops. My phone. In its hot pink case, it would be obvious that it is not Isaac's. Shit. This is why I can't be with Isaac. We can't have things like this happen. I sink to the floor and hug my knees as I listen to Isaac trying to cover his ass.
"Actually, a girl I know from a local coffee shop left it there when we were having coffee together. I'm waiting for her to come pick it up."
"I'd love to meet a girl that you've deemed worthy of your time. Here I was thinking you’d taken a vow of celibacy."
"Very funny, Robert. Not all of us are interested in sleeping with every woman we see."
"I'm wounded. I don't just sleep with anyone. I choose my conquests carefully based on a number of qualifying factors."
"You mean like, is she breathing and is she really a woman?"
"Your wit astounds me, Isaac. But no, for instance, right now, I’m trying to get back into the good graces of my ex-wife.”
“Really? Going back to the ex? That’s not like you!”
“Well, I pay her an excessive amount in alimony. It would be less painful to woo her back than continue to pay it. So tell me about your love interest.”
I hold my breath. I don't want the dean to find me here and I know I'm going to have to stop kidding myself about Isaac. I wanted to believe that our budding feelings for each other would make everything else okay, but it doesn't work that way.
"She's incredible. I've never met anyone like her. She's beautiful, witty, sarcastic and snarky. I never would have thought I'd find someone I wanted to be with again," Isaac says matter-of-factly and my heart melts.
"Wow. Sounds like you’ve got a crush, Isaac!”
“I believe you’re right. Now, is there something you needed?”
“Oh, yes, I was wondering if I could borrow your Complete Works of Shakespeare.”
“Robert, we both know you’re not a fan of the Bard. What do you want with that book?”
“It might help me to woo the woman I want, she’s a fan of classical literature.”
I hear Isaac chuckle, “I happen to know Trisha is not much of a reader.”
“I didn’t say this would help me win my ex-wife, I said it would help me win the woman I want. There’s a distinct difference.”
“Robert, one of these days you’re going to cross the wrong woman.”
“Perhaps, but in the meantime I’ll enjoy myself.”
“Here’s the book. Now, I really do need you to leave!”
“Isaac, we’ve been friends for a long time so I feel like I need to give you a warning. Those rumors about you and students are starting again. I had someone bring it to my attention again today. Something about that Hanover girl. The cheeky one from earlier.”
“Are you accusing me of something, sir?” Isaac asked in a formal tone.
“No, Isaac, but I do have to investigate these things.”
“Great. You investigate. I’ll be here if you find something.”
I hear Dean Price begin to protest again, but it's clear Isaac is ushering him to the door. He tells him he will see him next week and to have a good night. Price is still protesting when the front door closes and locks. I stay in the pantry; I don't want to face Isaac yet. I hear him looking for me but I don't respond. I'm still crying and I have no interest in hashing this out again. The pantry door opens.
"Liv, what are you doing? He's gone," he sees my tears when I look up at him, "Are you all right?"
"No, Isaac, I had to hide in a fucking pantry because you had someone at your house. That is not normal.”
"I understand. If it helps any, the dean is not a regular visitor to my home.”
“That’s not the point.”
Isaac looks confused as he offers me his hand. He realizes I'm not going to leave the pantry so he sits on the floor next to me. Our shoulders are touching, but I refuse to melt into his arms again. I start grasping at loose threads in our would-be relationship.
"What's your favorite kind of music?"
He laughs, "Definitely 80's ballads. You?"
"Same, though I have an eclectic taste in music and can be known to rap from time to time."
"I'd like to see that.”
He’s quiet for a few minutes as though he’s desperately trying to find a way to keep me from leaving.
"Biggest pet peeve?" Isaac is trying to keep the conversation going.
"Ignorance. Not stupidity, but ignorance. Some people just refuse to learn about the world around them. That irritates the shit out of me. You?"
"Dog-eared books. I'm convinced those people are monsters."
So far I don't hear anything I have a problem with. I'm learning more about him and that may not be the best idea. I start to stand up but he beats me to my feet and helps me up. He takes my hand and leads me to my favorite couch. We kiss achingly slow. It feels like a goodbye.
"Isaac, what just happened is one of the biggest reasons we should not be together. I can't hide in the pantry every time someone rings your door bell. You can't lie to people about a phone on your coffee table."
"It wasn’t that big of a lie."
"I'm being serious, Isaac; we need to talk about this for real.”
"No. Talking about it makes it more likely that you'll convince me that this can't happen. I know why it shouldn't, but I just can't bring myself to care. Maybe I'll go on sabbatical until you graduate. When do you graduate?"
"This is my senior year. I graduate in the spring. Who would teach your classes if you don't?"
"The university would find someone," he almost pleads with me.
“No. Isaac, you have no idea how badly I want to say yes and stay here with you. I want to give this a try. I want to see how this would turn out, but we can’t.”
Isaac stares at me for a few moments, I can see the conflict and pain in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, “Liv, I hate it, but you’re right. I’m sorry.”
I put my hand on his and give him one last kiss. It hurts and I can feel the lump rising in my throat. I stand and walk myself to the door. As I close the door behind me, the angry tears begin to fall.