Chapter 10
The day finally arrives and I head to turn in my final paper for class and find Cassie is accepting them in Isaac’s place. She looks like she’s been crying. I’m confused but I don’t want to talk to her. I drop my paper off and turn to leave.
Quite frankly, I’ve seen Cassie Peters more times than I care to. She is far too chipper and I want to punch her to shut her up. She talks incessantly about how she loves being Dr. Miller’s assistant. I hate myself for being jealous.
“Did you hear?” She asks.
Okay, I’ll bite, “Hear what?”
“Isaac put in his notice.”
My heart drops to the floor, “What? Why?”
“No one really knows.”
“Wow, that’s crazy,” I want to end this conversation so I can text him.
“I know,” she sniffles.
“Why are you crying? You and Dr. Miller weren’t an item were you?”
Cassie leans forward, “Just between us girls, we made out in his office last week.”
I try to keep my expression blank but I’m certain I fail miserably.
“We were working late one night and he seemed distraught so I hugged him, and. . .one thing led to another. I guess I misread the signs between us, he pushed me away and left the office pretty quickly.”
“So I guess the rumors about him are true then.”
“I guess. But, he stopped me from going any further. I’d have done him on his desk, but he didn’t let it go any farther than a two-minute make-out session,” she perks up a little, “Do you think he quit for me?”
I desperately struggle to contain the snort that threatens to escape me, “I doubt it. I’m pretty sure if that were the case you’d have been the first to know.”
I leave the office with my head spinning. Maybe he got an offer from another university. It’s probably too much to stay here and live right next door to the first person he’d wanted to be with since his wife.
I send him a text and simply ask if he’s alright. I’m not surprised when I don’t get anything back. What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t just insert myself back into his life. I wonder for a moment if he really did leave because of me. Does he still want to be with me? When I get home, my stomach churns at the sight of a moving van in front of his house.
I avoid going up to the door because I know that if he wants to talk to me, he will. When I get inside, CeCe is waiting for me. The look on her face tells me she’s already heard.
“So, have you talked to him?”
“No. I don’t think he wants to talk to me.”
“Stop being stupid, Liv, go over there and talk to him. What are you going to do if he leaves and you never tell him how you feel?”
Ugh. I roll my eyes at her but I know she’s right. I grudgingly stand up and trudge out the front door. I pull my sweater tighter around my body as I make my way down our steps and up his. I don’t bother knocking because the door is open. When I step inside it hits me like a ton of bricks. He’s leaving. The books are gone. The couch is sitting alone in the living room.
“Olivia,” he breathes when he sees me from the kitchen.
“Isaac.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I was worried about you. Cassie told me you’d quit.”
He registers that I’ve spoken with Cassie. Good, sweat that out a little buddy.
“I’ve accepted a positon at Loyola.”
“Oh, good for you.”
“I’m moving to a house in the suburbs.”
“I see. Why didn’t you tell Cassie? She’s heartbroken.”
Isaac narrows his eyes at me, “Olivia, please don’t go there.”
“I mean, it’s none of my business, but I hope you guys will be happy.”
He runs his hand through his hair, I’ve clearly pissed him off. I don’t know why I thought there was even the slightest possibility that he was still interested in me.
“Do you really have to be this difficult?” He sounds exasperated.
“Do you really have to be so stupid?” I pause and reign in my temper, “Look, I just came over here to see if you were alright. Now that I know you are, I’ll go.”
I turn to leave and he doesn’t stop me. When I get back to my house I start packing my bags for Christmas break. We have one night to do whatever we want before we head to my parents’ house for a week.
I’m perfectly happy watching Christmas movies on Netflix while we pack but CeCe has other plans.
“You know what we need? A night out. Let’s go to Beer Goggles for a few drinks. It’s karaoke night!”
I chuckle, CeCe knows how to cheer me up. Karaoke is one of the few events I’ll drag my butt to the bar for. We decide to forego the tedious process of getting all dolled up and just head across the street as we are. I’m wearing a sweatshirt and jeans with my hair hanging loosely around me. We generally avoid Beer Goggles because they almost always try to get CeCe to help if they’re short-staffed.
When we walk in the door the place is packed. I hear the discordant sound of tone-deaf singers destroying a Savage Garden song. We make our way to the bar and start with a few shots. By the time my name is called to sing, I’ve got a good buzz going. I love to sing, and I don’t have to be drunk to get up on stage, but it makes it a lot more fun.
I jump up on stage and launch into The Real Slim Shady. CeCe is cheering at the top of her lungs and the whole bar is getting into it. Every time I rap this song the crowd goes wild and some drunk white guy starts acting like a gangster. It’s a crowd pleaser and a great warm up. I’m breathless and laughing when I get back to my stool at the table I share with CeCe.
“I ordered us another shot.”
“Whatya got for me?”
“Miami Bitchslap!”
I cringe because I remember the last time we took this shot. When the bartender hands them over, we shoot them down and make disgusted faces. I grab CeCe a beer and get myself a Colorado Bulldog. When I finish that drink the DJ calls my name again. I make my way to the stage, I stumble a little but someone steadies me. I get up on the stage to sing.
“This song says everything I can’t.”
The opening chords of Arms by Christina Perri hum through my body. I close my eyes and give into the song. All I can think about as I sing is how much I want to be with Isaac. I pretend I’m singing to him as I croon. The tears stream down my cheeks as I sing the final notes. The truth finally hits me but I don’t want to admit it to myself just yet. I know now that no one will ever make me feel the way I felt when I was with Isaac. I hand the microphone off to the next person and sit back down with CeCe.
“You alright, chica?”
“I’ll be fine. We should get outta here soon or I’ll be useless tomorrow.”
A song starts to play that I immediately recognize. I excitedly slap CeCe’s leg.
“I frickin’ love this song! Can you see who’s singing it?”
“Thought it wouldn’t matter if we didn’t stay together and if it was over, maybe it was for the better…”
“I don’t think you should look,” CeCe cautiously tells me.
“I was thinkin’ I’d be alright, ‘til I thought it all through…”
“Why? Who is it?” I strain to see; the voice is familiar but I don’t recognize it through my fuzzy drunkenness.
The people in front of me step aside at the right moment. And there he is.
“I don’t wanna live without your love, I don’t wanna face the night alone, I could never make it through my life if I had to make it on my own…”
Isaac is channeling Bill Champlin on the stage. My heart swells at the words he sings. Our eyes lock across the room and I feel more lightheaded than I did from alcohol alone.
“I don’t wanna live without your love, I just wanna live my life with you. With you…”
I’m arguing with myself. Is this just a coincidence or did he choose this song for me? Does it matter? He sings the second verse and I start to tear up. I don’t know what to think as the lyrics ask if we can try again. I take a step forward, eyes locked on the man I can’t have.
“I don’t wanna love nobody else, I don’t wanna find somebody new…”
He breaks the song down expertly and I smile through the tears that threaten to fall. I’m not sure what to think after the conversation we had earlier. He didn’t deny that he was with Cassie, but he didn’t confirm it either. I don’t have long to contemplate because I hear someone cheer for him. I look over to find Miss Peters herself at the edge of the stage. He smiles and winks at her.
He finishes his song while maintaining eye contact with Cassie who jumps up and flings her arms around him. She kisses him firmly on the mouth. I feel like the air has been knocked out of me. He looks around, he seems embarrassed and holds her at arms-length. I shove past people as quickly as I can. When I’m outside I feel like I can breathe. I look both ways and start to cross the road. When I make it to my stairs, I take a deep breath and try not to let myself feel heartbroken. My head is spinning and the sudden silence of the outdoors makes me feel temporarily deaf. I bury my face in my hands, I can’t believe I got up there and sang my song thinking about him the whole time just to find out he was there with someone else. I can’t believe I let myself think he was doing some grand gesture to convince me that he can’t be without me. He had called me a habit, well, I guess he figured out how to break it.
I hear a familiar giggle nearby so I look up. Isaac is walking across the street with Cassie. Had he played me? Was this all just a way to get in my pants? I stand shakily and trip on my way up the stairs when strong arms grab me around the middle.
“Easy there,” Isaac’s voice sends shivers down my spine.
I whirl around, “I’m not a fucking horse.”
Isaac looks wounded, “Liv, are you alright?”
“I saw your performance,” I shoot at him with venom in my voice.
Isaac glances behind him at the drunk woman he was bringing home.
“I saw yours too. Both of them. You really can rap, but you have a beautiful voice.”
“Please don’t try to flatter me. Why don’t you go spend the night with your latest one-night-stand? I suppose you told her your sob-story too.”
Isaac’s eyebrows knit together as he tries to decipher what I slurred together. I can see the hurt in his eyes when he realizes what I mean. I can’t bring myself to care.
“You comin’, baby?” She murmurs behind him.
“Yeah, baby, why don’t you go show her the couch?” I turn to leave.
“Liv, wait…”
“No, Isaac, I have no right to be upset, but I can’t help it. It hurts to see you with someone else. Especially after you told me you had been devoted to your dead wife until me. Does Miss Peters know about us? You make me sick.”
Isaac hangs his head, “I’m trying to get over you, but I can’t. I had a few drinks and thought this would help.”
My resolve breaks and I look at him again, “If you are feeling even an ounce of what I’m feeling it won’t help, but it’s none of my business. I’m sorry for causing a scene.”
I sluggishly make my way up the stairs and into my house. I watch through the sheer curtains as Isaac tells the drunk the party’s over. She stumbles across the street and back into the bar. My heart sinks as I stumble to the kitchen and grab a bottle of water.
There’s a knock at the door and I realize I’ve locked CeCe out. I pull it open to find Isaac standing in the entryway.
“What do you want?” I throw at him.
“We need to talk.”
“Nope. Not interested.”
“Liv, cut the bullshit. I’m coming in,” he gently pushes past me.
I seethe for a moment, then close the door and sit on the couch. Isaac is in the kitchen; I can smell the coffee. He wants to sober me up. I sit and wait, refusing to say anything. He finally brings me a mug full of black coffee and takes a seat next to me.
“I kissed Cassie.”
“Yeah, I saw that.”
“No, I mean we kissed in my office last week.”
Even though I’ve already heard about it, the sting is somehow worse when it comes from him.
“She told me.”
“It was a terrible mistake. I was struggling with the decision to leave and she tried to comfort me.”
“Hmph,” I bet it was some comfort.
“She started kissing me and at first I didn’t stop her. I tried to pretend she was you, but I couldn’t.”
I don’t know what to say about that. My head is swimming. I take a sip of the coffee and wait for him to continue.
“Olivia, I’m leaving because I can’t bear to be so close to you and not have you.”
I don’t respond. I stare at the wall and try to pretend that I don’t hear him. If I don’t hear him, I’ll avoid the heartache again. He touches my arm and gently turns me to face him.
“I’m trying to tell you something, Liv.”
“You’re trying to tell me you want to start something we can’t finish. It doesn’t matter if you’re a professor here or at Loyola. We can’t be together. I’m all wrong for you. You deserve someone who can give you everything. I’m damaged Isaac.”
“You’re perfect Olivia.”
Before I can stop myself, I’m in his arms. His lips are on mine and we melt into each other. The attraction is undeniable and I feel like I’ve gone forever without holding him. Against my better judgement I take his hand and pull him upstairs. We’re in my bedroom with the door locked behind us.
His eyes are pouring into mine, “Liv, I can’t stay away from you, I’ve tried. Even tonight. I only went to Beer Goggles because I saw you and CeCe go in.”
“I don’t want to talk. Can we pretend there’s nothing keeping us apart? Just for tonight.”
He doesn’t hesitate. I’m in his arms and he’s tenderly kissing me. My fingers find their way into his hair and it feels like home. He deepens the kiss and I match his passion. Within moments, we’re both undressed and tangled together on my bed. I want him so badly that I roll on top of him. I straddle him for a moment before guiding him inside me. He moans and takes my hands in his. We fall into a steady rhythm as we alternate between passionate kisses and staring into each other’s eyes. He rolls me over so he’s on top of me and gently moves with me beneath him.
The intensity of the moment is amplified by the time we’ve spent avoiding one another. I cry out in pleasure as he kisses my neck and continues the rhythm we built. When we finish, he collapses next to me and pulls me into his arms. I don’t want to think about anything other than how it feels to have him wrapped around me.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispers into my hair.
I let out a contented sigh as I fall into an alcohol induced sleep.
When I wake up in the morning, my head is pounding. I feel the weight of an arm on me and panic. What did I do? I turn slightly and relax when I notice Isaac. His face is so perfect. I take the opportunity to admire him before waking him to have a serious conversation.
He opens his eyes and gives me a sleepy smile, “Morning.”
I shift in his embrace until we’re facing each other. His serious expression matches mine. After last night, I can’t deny my feelings for him. If he really heard me sing and heard what I said about the song, then he must know how I really feel.
“I like waking up to this view,” he says with a sweet smile.
“Does that cheesy line work on all the girls?”
He looks hurt and I instantly regret the jibe. After all, he’s lying in bed with me, not her.
“Isaac, what do you remember from last night?”
“Everything. You?”
“I think I remember everything too. But I think we need to talk about the details.”
“Well, you declared your love for me and we slept together.”
I’m horrified. That’s not how I expected this conversation to go. I’m suddenly regretting every decision I made the night before. Isaac notices my panic and gently touches my cheek.
“I’m kidding. Are you really that spotty about last night?”
“I remember going to the bar and drinking. I remember rapping,” I purposely leave the singing part out to see if he brings it up, “I remember you singing. I remember you trying to take some slut home. I remember you coming to my door and us having fantastic sex.”
“You don’t remember singing?”
I try to look innocent, “Oh yeah. I love Christina Perri.”
“Liv, what did you mean when you said that song says everything you can’t?”
I look away. I can barely admit how I feel to myself, how can I explain it to him? I don’t even know if I really understand it myself, but I know that it can’t go anywhere. I shrug my shoulders and decide to avoid the subject.
“I don’t know. I had a lot to drink last night. I don’t remember saying that,” I hope my lie is convincing.
Isaac plays with my hair, “Can we shower?”
I sigh again. I stand and start to pull on my clothes from the night before.
“You have no idea how much I would love to. But, I’m leaving today. CeCe and I are helping my mom with Christmas dinner. It’s my job to make the pies and CeCe always helps with the turkey. I didn’t finish packing last night, so I have to do that and—“
My lips are suddenly very busy as Isaac decides to seize the moment. His tongue explores my mouth and he pulls me closer to him. I try to memorize this moment as I bring our kiss to an end.
“Isaac, I won’t tell you I’m sorry for last night, but nothing has changed. We really can’t do this,” I say as I start to cry.
“Hey, what’s this?” Isaac whispers, wiping a tear away.
“I’m sorry. It’s just killing me to keep doing this. I’m sorry. You should go.”
Isaac tries to stop me from getting out of bed but I slip out of his reach. I can’t let him know how I feel. I can finally admit to myself that I’ve fallen in love with him but there is no way I can tell him.
“Isaac, I can’t. I can’t keep falling into bed with you and then trying to pretend it didn’t happen. I can’t imagine seeing you with another woman like I did last night. I just can’t.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Don’t you understand what I’m trying to tell you?”
Isaac is in front of me pulling me into his arms as I fight to free myself from his grasp. He holds me at arms-length and looks me in the eye.
“You want to pick up where we left off. You want to have an affair. I don’t want an affair, Isaac.”
“Olivia, I don’t want any of those things either.”
“Then, what do you want? I’m so confused. First we’re strangers, then we’re sleeping together, then you’re my teacher, then we’re avoiding each other, now I’m just so confused about who or what I am to you.”
“Liv, how can you possibly not know what I want?”
I look up at him through tearful eyes. I don’t think he realizes how bad the case of whiplash he’s given me is. I’ve never been this unsure of myself. I’ve never felt so out of sorts. I know he wants me to make a decision and I know what he wants it to be. But that doesn’t tell me what he wants to get out of this.
“Isaac, I need you to tell me what you want.”
“It’s you, you strange, almost unearthly thing. I must have you for my own.”
My eyes are open in surprise. Not only is he telling me I’m what he wants, but he’s also quoting Edward Rochester to me as though I am his Jane. I can only think of one way to respond.
“Are you mocking me?”
“No, Olivia. I am not. When I heard your song last night I finally understood. You’ve been convinced that you’re not good enough. You’re wrong. I’m leaving this university so I have a shot with you. You’re everything I need.”
I’m still skeptical. After everything I went through with my ex-boyfriend, I can’t find it in myself to believe that someone like Isaac could possibly want me.
“I love you, Olivia. I have loved you for quite some time. I’m not going to be a professor at your university anymore. Now the only thing keeping us apart is you.”
His words hit me like a gut punch and I gurgle up something between a laugh and a cry. There are so many reasons why I should not be with him but here I am. He loves me? I guess it’s time for me to take the plunge.
“I love you too.”
Isaac pulls me into his arms again and laughs with relief, “Finally.”
“It’s about damn time!” CeCe yells from the hallway.
Isaac kisses me the first kiss with no barriers between us. I melt into him without holding anything back.
“Come home with me for Christmas,” I say on impulse.
He grins, “Okay.”
I know that when I look back on this moment I will only regret not letting myself love him sooner. I call my parents to tell them to expect one more for the weekend and I have to answer a few questions before I get them off the phone. When we’re all packed and ready, we pile into the taxi together. CeCe is grinning like an idiot and I can’t stop touching Isaac.
He squeezes my hand and I notice the faint imprint that still encircles his ring finger. I know as we begin the journey home that someday, maybe soon, that empty space will be occupied once again.
Coming Soon:
Stay the Night
A Chicago Love Story
CeCe finds love in the Windy City.