Sweet sixteen and never been kissed. That’s me, but only because I got one look at Luka Parish when I was sixteen and knew he was all I would ever want. I was at family bowling night celebrating my brothers Blue and Black’s birthdays. Luka was in police academy training at the time and had met my brother Black through his work. He came over with some buddies to wish Black a Happy Birthday. He never saw me. Why would he? A man like that looking at me would be laughable. But I saw him. I saw him, and I’m going to make sure I see him again—and soon. I just have to make sure I’m wearing makeup, dressed really nice, and that I definitely don’t look like I’m just sixteen. A man like Luka Parish wouldn’t kiss a sixteen-year-old girl. I want him to see me as a woman, and I definitely want him to kiss me.

* * *

Present:

“Petal, it’s your turn!”

“I’m coming,” I tell Mom. The last thing I want to do is be here at family bowling night. I tried everything short of telling her I was dying of the bubonic plague to get out of it. Even that wouldn’t have helped. When Ida Sue wants something, you either fall in line or run away. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to run away.

Don’t get me wrong; I have an amazing mother. She’s funny, talented, fiercely loyal, and a loving parent. She’s strong as hell, too. She’s had to be because she raised nine children completely on her own. I admire and love her as much as I resent her.

“What’s wrong with you, Petal?”

“Nothing, Mom! I just had other things to do tonight. Things I canceled so I could make family night.”

“Well, if you were going to be a grouch and try and ruin the whole night for everyone, maybe you should have just not shown up.”

“It’s Black’s and Blue’s birthday, Mom. Of course I’m going to be here. I just wish you had given me a little more warning, that’s all. I thought we were all going to wait until Blue was back in town.”

“It didn’t seem right not celebrating while Black was here at least. We’ll have dinner for Blue when he gets back in.”

“You still could have told me,” I grouch knowing I’m being a bitch. My mother has a special way of bringing that out in me.

“I might have if you’d been home much the last few weeks.”

“I’ve been home every night!”

“Yeah, but I’m usually in bed by the time you roll in. Honestly, Petal, little River needs more structure than what you’re giving him.”

“Everything I do is for River. Don’t start.”

“Is he the reason you’ve been talking to that man again?”

“That man is River’s father, and he has a name. It’s Luka.”

“You say Luka, I say Puke-a,” she says with a shrug.

“Now who’s acting like a child?” I sigh. It’s an old argument. Mom has never approved of Luka, and he hates her. The friction between them is just one of the many reasons my marriage imploded. Well, that and the fact that I should have never gotten married at seventeen. I was a child playing an adult, and as a result, I made all the wrong choices. Hell, I’m twenty-two, and I’m still making all the wrong choices.

“If you had listened to me to begin with, you would have never had him in your life.”

“Mom, I was pregnant—”

“Big-freakin’-deal! You were sixteen and pregnant. That happens to a lot of girls. It’s not a reason to get married. He should have been arrested for messing with you in the first place, and yet somehow here he is, the sheriff … if that isn’t the biggest joke in years.”

“Mom, he didn’t know I was sixteen when we met. If he had, he never would have talked to me.”

“So you say. I haven’t seen one thing out of Luka Parish that tells me that’s true.”

“I don’t want to argue about this anymore, Mom. Luka and I are working together to make sure our son is happy. That’s it. That’s all it is,” I tell her, and the slash of pain that hits me is real. I’m not lying, even though I wish I was. River has been diagnosed with ADHD and also has some other problems. We’ve been meeting in the evenings to figure out how best to tackle them. He was suspended for a day from kindergarten for biting and hitting other kids. River’s not a bad child. He’s sweet as he can be at home, but around other kids, he becomes different.

We need a solution soon, not only for my child’s sake, but because I need to go back to work fulltime. I can’t keep living with my mom, and I can’t afford to live on my own if I’m just working part time. Yet, living with Mom is toxic. Every time she puts Luka down, I want to scream. Luka has done right by me and River, despite all the shit I’ve put him through. He tried so hard to make our marriage work. He doesn’t know why I divorced him, not really. I won’t tell him. There’s no point. He’s eight years older than me, he’s sheriff now, and the last thing he needs is the local hippy’s daughter being a stone around his neck.

I figure if I say that enough times, I’ll finally believe it. The real problem is that Luka accepted our divorce easily. He never once tried to convince me that we had a future when I left. His father told me he wouldn’t, but I had hoped…

I guess I’m still hoping, which is ridiculous. Even the dinners we have are spent purely talking about our son. There’s nothing else, and being that near to Luka almost every night and not being able to touch him, find out what’s going on in his life—or to just talk to him like we used to—is slowly and painfully destroying me. I miss him.

With a sigh, I go to grab my bowling ball for my turn. The place is loud, but the main reason for that is that almost the entire Lucas clan is out and about tonight, including Gray, CC, and their two-month-old babies Violet and William.

“There’s my girl! I thought you got lost,” Black shouts, wrapping his arm around my back as I straighten up, holding the ball in my hand.

“Wrong, big brother. You were hoping I got lost because with this strike, you and your silly team are going down, down, down.”

“You tell him, Petal!” CC calls out.

We’re playing girls against boys tonight. It’s usually a lot of fun, but tonight, I just wish I was having dinner with Luka. Even though we’ve only discussed River, I live for those dinners with him lately—which admittedly is not a good thing.

“Pride goeth before the fall, ladies. Tonight, it’s all about the boys!” White boasts.

“That’s what you think, sweetheart. Boys drool and girls rule!” Kayla chirps up.

I can’t help but smile. Since she and my brother White have been married, Kayla’s become a different person: confident, happy, and outspoken. Not to mention the fact that she’s sporting a pretty serious baby bump these days. As if my brother knows exactly what I’m thinking, he reaches down and rubs Kayla’s stomach and whispers in her ear. I’m not sure what he said to her, but the blush that blooms on her face makes me entirely envious of the two. They’re so much in love, it’s beautiful, but painful to watch.

“Stand back and watch poetry in motion,” I joke, trying to shake off my thoughts. I take my favorite bowling pose, draw my arm back, and aim. I slowly bring it back, knowing I can make this strike and clinch the game. It’s all mine.

Until…

“Luka!” I hear a woman cry.

My face jerks away from the lane, and I search for the voice. There, standing across from me two lanes down, is Luka with the secretary from his office. He’s laughing with her, and that would be painful enough, but he’s got his arm around her as she leans over to give him a kiss.

It’s in that moment that my world ends. I don’t even realize that I drop the ball until I turn to watch it roll down into the gutter.

Just like my life.