Carson
“Sorry about the paint smell,” Gary said as I walked into his office. “I’m hoping it’ll be gone soon.”
“It’s not that strong.” I looked around the spacious room. The walls were a pristine pale gray; framed pictures and diplomas were lined up on the floor, waiting to be rehung.
Gary gestured at a couple of tall bookcases, both filled with a few books and lots of beer steins. “Here’s the collection I was telling you about.”
“Nice.” I nodded with appreciation as I scanned the mugs. “Do you ever use them?”
He shook his head. “I’m a recovering alcoholic. Been sober for eleven years now. These are just to look at.”
“Good for you.”
He sat down in a worn leather chair, and I took a seat on the couch.
“So how have things been going?” he asked.
Gary was so casual that I felt like I was catching up with a friend. He didn’t have the shrink vibe I’d been expecting before I came here.
“Things are better. Joss and I made up.”
“Good. Can you tell me more about that?”
I ran my fingers over the fabric of a throw cushion on the couch, shrugging. “I guess I realized I was taking all my anger out on her, and that wasn’t fair. I didn’t want to lose her over it.”
“So you forgave her?”
“We forgave each other. It’s been good. I’m trying to tell her things, even though it’s hard.”
Gary nodded with understanding. “Showing vulnerability is the hardest part of any relationship. And how does it feel to share these things with her?”
“It feels . . . hard before I do it. I get tense and nervous. But once it’s out, it gets better. The more I tell her, the easier it gets.”
“What about her? Does she share her insecurities and vulnerabilities with you?”
I smiled as I recalled that first night with Joss, when I was fixing the air-conditioning while falling for her. “Oh yeah. She doesn’t put on any airs. Joss says what she’s thinking.”
“From your expression, I can tell you admire that.”
I considered. “I do, but I don’t like the thoughts she has about herself sometimes. About not being enough.”
“Do you tell her that?”
“Yeah. I wish she could look at me and know I’m telling the truth when I say she’s beautiful and perfect, but”—I shrugged—“I guess it’ll take time to undo the damage her ex did.”
“There aren’t many people out there who have no insecurities.”
“Just Kanye and Trump,” I quipped, arching my brows.
Gary laughed. “Can’t argue with either of those.”
I shifted, trying to get comfortable on the couch. “There was another thing that happened since I was here.”
“Sure, let’s hear it.”
I slumped forward and put my elbows on my spread knees. “My dad called the other night.”
My wait for Gary to prod me on with a question turned up nothing. He just looked at me, waiting for more information. I scrubbed my hands over my face and continued. “He’s a deadbeat loser. Only calls me when he wants money.”
“Do you ever give him money?”
“I used to, back when I didn’t have much myself. I’d give him twenty bucks if I had it. This was back when I was in high school. But then I cut all ties with him.”
“It can’t feel good for your father to only call when he wants money.”
I shrugged. “Like I said, he’s a fuckin’ deadbeat. I expect nothing more of him. But the other night, when he called . . . Joss was there.”
“I see. And what was that like for you?”
“It was . . .” I shook my head. “I don’t know. Not great, obviously.”
“Why?”
I shot a pissed-off look at Gary, and he put a hand up.
“Look, I get why, but I want to hear it in your words. Just try to describe your feelings if you can.”
“Because it’s fucking embarrassing,” I said, an edge in my tone. “From everything she’s told me about her family, they sound like normal people. Nice people who care about her. And all I’ve got is this drunken loser who doesn’t care about anyone but himself.”
“How did Joss react when he called?”
I shook my head. “She was good about it. But I don’t want her to pity me.”
“Do you think she does?”
“Most people seem to, yeah. My dad’s a real piece of work. He sold my baseball card collection for drinking money when I was fourteen.”
“Do you resent him?”
“I guess so.” I looked up and met Gary’s knowing gaze. “I try not to dwell on it. As soon as I was old enough, I got the hell away from him. Made my own way in the world. I guess what I really resent is that he won’t just leave me alone.”
“Have you told him that?” Gary asked the question like it was the answer I’d been unable to come up with on my own.
I laughed, but there was no trace of humor. “Yeah, only every time he contacts me.”
“So if I’m hearing you right, you’re mostly concerned that Joss overheard the conversation with your father.”
“Right.”
“Do you think she judges you because of the way your father is?”
“No, but eventually she’ll realize this is all he’s ever going to be.” I hung my head, unable to meet Gary’s gaze. “And that he’s never gonna stop calling. And that . . . I’m weak for not blocking his number because I don’t want to miss his call if he’s really sick or dying. Surely she’d judge me if she knew . . . some small part of me still loves him.”
My throat was tight with emotion. Gary gave me a few seconds to get myself together.
“And are you ashamed of that?” he asked softly.
I scoffed. “Yeah, you could say that. How fucked up is it to still love someone who only calls when he’s broke and wants money?”
“It’s not fucked up at all. Surely there are some good memories.”
“A few. Not many, though. He really is a loser.”
“And do you feel like that reflects on you?”
I sighed heavily. “I don’t know. I guess I know it doesn’t, but still . . . I’ve been thinking that if Joss and I ever get married, I won’t have any family at the wedding. Her family might think that’s weird, that I have no one.”
“How would she feel about it? Joss?”
“She wouldn’t care.”
“Could you discuss your concerns with her?”
I gave him a half smile. “Maybe.”
“Why maybe?” He arched his brows with amusement.
I rubbed a hand over my scruffy jawline. “Because what if I bring up me not having any family at our wedding and she thinks I’m crazy for thinking about marriage after only a few months?”
“Have you guys ever had a conversation about the future?”
“Not in so many words. We’ve talked about kids, though.”
“And what does she say on that?”
“She wants ’em.”
“And you?”
I gave Gary a sheepish look. “I’m concerned about the kind of father I’d be. Shitty example from my own dad and all. Joss and I had a falling out about it a while back. Over the weekend she told me that whether I want kids or not, she chooses me.”
Gary’s expression softened. “How did that feel?”
“Really good. I’m not sure I deserve that, but it felt really good.”
“Talk to her, Carson. The more you do it, the easier it gets.”
I considered. “Yeah, okay. I think we need some time to just enjoy each other now that we’re back together, with no drama or problems for a while. But I will.”
Gary looked satisfied. I knew he was right, but I wasn’t quite ready to tell Joss there was a part of me that still loved my dad. I’d only recently been able to admit it to myself.
For a guy who prided himself on being strong, that made me feel weak, and I didn’t want Joss to see that side of me. And I didn’t think my mind would change in a couple of weeks’ time.