Chapter 2

 

 

WHY WAS he so nervous?

Todd Hamilton paced his small room, the thump, thump of the bass reaching through the floorboards and right under the closed door. There were times when he wished he could afford to live on his own. But if he lived alone, then there would be no one to share the rent, and he wouldn’t be able to train at all. So for now it was roommates and stereos that shook the floor, plenty of people who didn’t know when it was time to shut the hell up, and endless discussions on how utterly unfair the whole situation was.

A sharp knock pulled him out of his pity party, and he opened the door.

“Man, you look snazzy,” Clive Richards, one of his roommates, said as he headed for Todd’s closet. “I need a shirt for tonight.”

“Then do some laundry,” Todd retorted and closed his closet door. “I’m not your maid service.” He kept the heat out of his voice, but he was getting a little tired of Clive and Solly using his clothes when they hadn’t bothered to wash theirs. “The laundry room is in the basement. Get yourself some quarters and throw in a few loads. Most of the time I can’t find the clothes I want because you guys are wearing them.” He held Clive’s gaze, going for a little guilt, which only worked part of the time. “Besides, I’ve been by your room. You need to get it cleaned out. It’s pretty stinky.” Todd flashed a smile to try to disarm the situation. Then he took one more look at what he’d put on.

“Why are you nervous? You got a thing for this guy?” There were times when Clive could be amazingly perceptive, and Todd hoped this wasn’t one of those times. “You can blush faster than a fifteen-year-old with a hot date. What’s this guy like?”

“How about we leave the fifth degree until I get home. I’m just having lunch with an old friend. There’s nothing more to it than that.”

Which was the truth. Todd doubted there could ever be anything more than that between him and Duncan, no matter how many times he’d wondered what Duncan would be like to come home to and spend more than just the hours training together on frozen runs with. They were both competitive as hell and had pushed each other to be better, over and over again. They fought sometimes, and each of them had won and lost. There were times that Todd had hated Duncan, but now he could see that was just their competitive natures getting the best of them. Besides, everything had changed when Duncan got hurt. Those past rivalries paled in comparison to his friend’s health and well-being. The accident had shaken Todd to the core and pushed him to some hard truths, like maybe… sometimes… it wasn’t who got down the hill the fastest.

Clive rolled his eyes dramatically and sighed. “So, you like this guy. It’s about fucking time.” He grinned. “Go out, have a good time, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” He paused. “On second thought, I hope to hell you do something I would do, preferably multiple times until your eyes roll back in your head and he puts a huge grin on your face.” Clive swooped out of the room.

“Slut,” Todd teased in his best southern accent, which he knew came off flat, but it pissed Clive off when he did it.

“You really want to do this?” Clive paused for barely a fraction of a second before firing back with “Prude.”

“Floozy.”

“Ice queen.”

“Helium heels,” Todd retorted, and Clive raised an eyebrow ever so slightly. “Shirttail lifter,” he added for good measure.

“Great American sex desert.”

Todd chuckled. That was a new one, and really quite good. “Member of the Kneepads of the Month club.”

Clive opened his mouth but nothing came out.

Todd grinned and pointed. “Gotcha,” he crowed before Clive had a chance to recover. He claimed victory by shooing Clive out and closing the door. Their game had started out with one-upmanship around who could bag the guy they wanted first, but after things had fallen apart for Todd, they had shifted mostly to Todd defending the fact that his life in the bedroom had become his right hand and nothing more.

He finished getting ready and headed out to where the other three people in the house sat watching ESPN. They were all athletes in various sports, mostly the unglamorous ones, though Henry was a speed skater, and in Milwaukee that held some interest, given that the Olympic speed skating training center was in town and the two American stars of the sport, Dan Jansen and Bonnie Blair, were both from the area. Other than that, most people only heard of the sports each of them loved every four years when the Winter Olympics rolled around.

“I’ll see you later, guys.” Todd headed for the door as all eyes turned to him. They waved and thankfully didn’t tease. Todd was more grateful than he could say.

He half jogged to his car, slipped inside, and started the engine. The old beater was in tip-top condition under the hood, and Todd intended to keep her that way. He navigated the streets to Duncan’s and pulled into the drive, got out, and approached the front door to ring the bell.

The door stayed closed and Todd heard nothing from inside. Had Duncan forgotten they were going to get together? A wave of disappointment washed over him before the door finally opened and Duncan rolled back. Todd opened the screen door and stepped inside.

“Sorry, I was….” Duncan glanced down the hall, and Todd nodded his understanding.

“Where’s your mom?” Todd asked, looking around.

“She went to visit relatives.” Duncan grabbed a sweatshirt jacket and piled it on top of his legs. “She wanted me to go with her.”

“We could have rescheduled if that’s what you needed,” Todd said, even as a smile curled his lips upward.

“Oh God no.” Duncan tilted his head to the side. “She’s one of those pity people.” He lowered his jaw and made a soft “oh” sound. “‘Poor Duncan… I’m so sorry.’ Bitch.” The cattiness snapped out, and Todd laughed. There was some of the Duncan he knew. “I hate the woman, and Mom makes me go with her whenever she does her beck-and-call thing.” Duncan rolled forward. “I’m ready when you are.”

Todd let him slide out of the house and then pulled the door closed. “Awesome. Where do you want to go?”

“I’m so hungry for something not vegetarian,” Duncan said. “My mother read somewhere that a vegetarian diet can help spinal injury patients recover, so she got rid of every shred of meat in the house and read up on vegetarian cooking.” Duncan rolled down the ramp, and Todd followed. “The food is good for the most part, but I’m craving some meat, and she’s adamant that we stick to this diet.” He stopped at the bottom.

“I’ve tried that before.”

Duncan nodded. “I know Mom means well, but it’s another of those things where someone else is making my decisions for me.” He grabbed the arms of the chair, his knuckles turning white.

“Sorry, man.” Todd ran a hand through his hair, not knowing what else to say. “How about gyros? We can head on down to Oakland and get some there. Afterward we can go to Lake Park or something.” There wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

“Cool.” The tension seemed to have evaporated from Duncan’s voice.

Todd followed him over to the car and waited while Duncan transferred himself into the passenger seat. Then he slid the chair behind the seat and closed the door. Soon they were off, heading toward downtown and some of the best quick food in the city.

 

 

“HOW IS your mom?” Duncan asked once they were settled at a table with plates of gyro meat, salad, and a squeeze bottle of tzatziki sauce garlicky enough to make your breath smell for days and your throat danged near seize up—in other words, amazing.

Todd shrugged. “She’s worse and yet the same. The last time I visited her, she didn’t remember who I am. Then as I was leaving, she said goodbye to me and called me by name. So I suppose that’s about all I can hope for.”

“I’m sorry. I remember her as a real special lady.” Duncan smiled, seeming like he was trying not to look too happy. “She used to bake us those amazing carrot cakes. Of course, we weren’t supposed to have them while we were training, but they were always too good to resist.” Duncan took a little of the gyro meat and squeezed on a dab of sauce before popping the bite in his mouth. For a second, all Todd could think about was Duncan’s lips, but then his mind slipped back to the conversation at hand.

Todd nodded slowly. “Yeah. She always loved to bake. That was how we realized something was wrong. She made everything from memory and feel. Then all of a sudden, the cakes didn’t come out right, and she started burning things because she wouldn’t remember they were in the oven or why she had set the timer. And now she’s alive and yet, at the same time, not.” He missed his mother so much.

“I can understand how you feel. Sometimes we all want something that we’ve lost and can’t get back no matter how much we may want it.”

Todd nodded in understanding. His friend, onetime best friend, was never going to get completely better and return to the way he had been before. Todd always remembered a certain fire and zest for life that seemed to fill Duncan’s eyes, and that was gone now. “What are you doing with your time?”

“Well, I spent so much of it in therapy, I thought they were going to kill me.”

Duncan took another bite, and Todd did the same, watching him closely. In so many ways, Duncan was the same person but changed. The energy level was way down. Not that Todd could really blame him. Duncan had been through hell and had somehow managed to come back from the grip of death.

“I suppose we should talk about the elephant in the room.” Duncan tapped the arm of his chair.

“I was there. I know what happened, and you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. This is supposed to be a fun afternoon, not twenty questions.” Though he would definitely listen if Duncan wanted him to.

Duncan nodded. “I guess it would be good to talk. I can’t with my mom. She’s been so supportive and caring throughout this entire ordeal, and the thought of putting more on her worries me. She’s been amazingly helpful, even though I know she never intended to have me home and needing her care. This should be a time when she can concentrate a little more on herself instead of me.”

“You can tell me whatever you want to.”

Duncan nodded and stabbed a bite of salad with more force than necessary. “You saw the run and you know what went wrong.”

“Yeah. I saw it and damn near felt every single bump along with you until you came to the end. I tried to get to you, but one of the coaches held me back.” That had been one of the worst days of his life. Todd had thought his heart would rip in two. “After that, the coaches kept us informed, but we all had training. I tried to come up and see you more than once, but it was only family. Your mom did her best to let us know, but she was having a hard time too.” Todd set down his fork and leaned forward. “I snuck into your room. Did you know that? I told them I was your cousin.”

Duncan shook his head.

“I did. They had you hooked up to all these machines, and you had your eyes closed and were lying so still. I remember talking to you, telling you about my latest runs and watching the screen sometimes, hoping for a blip, any change, so I’d know you heard me. But there was nothing, and then a nurse told me that visiting hours were over.”

“I didn’t know. You called me later when I was awake, but I didn’t know about that.” Duncan sighed a little and blinked. “I was pretty busted up, and they had to do surgery to try to repair some of the internal damage. But the doctor made a mistake and they ruptured something that resulted in infection, and they had to go back in to fix it. That built up more scar tissue inside that caused other problems, and I had more surgery.”

“Do you think you could have been able to walk again if they hadn’t messed up?” Todd’s throat went dry and he clenched the hand in his lap into a fist. God, to think that someone had hurt Duncan more after his injury. It made his blood boil.

“We don’t know. The insurance company says it didn’t make any difference, but other doctors say it’s a possibility. They are still fighting, and there will probably be a court hearing over it. Mom was smart and got a lawyer right away, and we have brought suit against the surgeon and the hospital for trying to cover it all up.” Duncan’s eyes grew heavy and filled with worry. Without thinking, Todd reached across the table and took his hand, sliding his fingers along Duncan’s.

“I’m sorry this happened to you,” Todd said. “It isn’t fair, but life sucks sometimes.” He wound his fingers more tightly with Duncan’s. Todd expected him to pull away, but Duncan held his hand still as though he were afraid to move it. “How are you adjusting to all the changes? I mean…. God, that sounded stupid. I meant, are you getting on with things? Jesus… I don’t know what I mean… I….”

Duncan chuckled slightly. “I know what you mean, and I’m getting the hang of a very different life one day at a time.”

That was a lie. Todd could see it in the way Duncan avoided his gaze for just a second. He debated whether to press him or not. If Todd were in his shoes, he’d be angry as fuck and on the edge, ready to scream and shout at the first opportunity. Maybe Duncan had already done that, but by the fire warring in his eyes, Todd guessed that really hadn’t happened yet.

Todd met Duncan’s gaze, eyebrows raised, and didn’t let him turn away.

“Are you trying to piss me off?” Duncan asked, yanking back his hand.

Todd shrugged. “Maybe get to the truth.” Aww, hell. He had never been one to pussyfoot around stuff, and he wasn’t able to start now.

It was Duncan’s turn to lean over the table, glaring. “There are days when I want to kill someone. My mom wants to make all my decisions for me because she seems to think my head doesn’t work, just like my legs.” He clenched his teeth. “My legs are like weights, and that’s not the only fucking thing that doesn’t work, if you know what I mean. I want to be out there riding the runs and being with the guys, living the life I dreamed of, but instead I’m back home because I need help just to take a shit. So of course I’m mad as hell, and I can’t let it out. If I do, my mom gets teary….” He sat back, breathing deeply as though he’d run a race.

It took Todd a few seconds to parse everything that Duncan had just told him and all the schooling he could muster to keep the look of pity that threatened from showing through. Duncan would hate that, and the truth was, Todd didn’t pity him—maybe empathized was a better word.

“Feel better?” Todd asked, figuring it had to be good to let stuff out.

“I guess.” Duncan heaved a deep breath and released it, the wind leaving his sails.

Todd glanced around and saw a few people were turning back to their meals. Duncan might have gotten a little loud, but if it made him feel better, Todd would let him scream the roof down. What was a little embarrassment in the grand scheme of things?

“What I want is to be myself again,” Duncan said quietly.

Todd filled his fork, then held the bite in midair. “You are. Things have changed, but deep down, you are still the guy who likes cars and used to snarf down my mom’s cake. God, she used to love having you over, because you ate.” Todd smiled. “Maybe you’d like to go with me to visit her. Sometimes when she has a good day, she’s pretty there, and seeing people out of the ordinary can spark a connection.”

“Of course.” Duncan returned to his lunch. “What about your dad?”

“He comes in to see her sometimes. Heck, I think Mom still thinks she’s married to him. Time has little meaning to her now, and there are things that tend to stick in her mind more than others. Like she rarely knows my name anymore, but she tends to feel that I’m someone important to her.” The whole situation was surreal at times.

They fell into an easy quiet as they ate for a while, finishing their lunch.

“Sometimes it feels like the last six months are completely missing for me. Mom told me some of the things that have been happening, but mostly I’ve been lost in my own head.”

“Your friends know that. I was surprised when your mom called me, and really happy. She said you needed some time out of the house, so know she’s doing her best for you.”

“I know she is. Mom always does.” Duncan pushed the plate away slightly. “I know I need to cut her some slack. This has been hard on both of us.”

At least some of the lightness that Todd remembered seemed to be returning. Even if it was temporary, it was a start.

“How about we get going?” Todd pushed back from the table as one of the other chairs was yanked away and twisted around.

“Howdy, guys.”

Todd knew that voice and didn’t even have to look. “What are you doing here?” Todd asked as he turned to Michael. “Haven’t you caused enough trouble?” He flashed his coldest look, but it was wasted on the clueless idiot.

“Just saw Duncan in here and thought I’d peek in. He’s pretty easy to spot. Corrina was asking about you just the other day.” Michael flashed a gap-toothed smile.

Duncan rolled his eyes. “I’m sure she was.”

“Oh yeah.” Michael’s lips curled upward in a grin reminiscent of the Joker. God, that guy really needed to work on looks that wouldn’t scare schoolchildren. “It seems she misses her business partner and….”

“Get out, Michael,” Duncan groaned. “She and I were never ‘business partners.’ I think she’s made way too much out of what I can barely remember now. She needs to move on, just like I do. And the fact that you would think this is appropriate….” He leaned forward. “Get out of here, asshole, before I start telling everyone here that you’re picking on me.” He turned away, and damn it all if Duncan didn’t start shaking a little.

Everyone started glaring at Michael, eyes watching him from all directions. It was clear from the beads of sweat breaking out on his Neanderthal-like forehead that he was feeling the heat. Michael stood and sauntered out, with Duncan not watching him go.

“That guy is as nuts as his sister.”

Todd motioned for Duncan to go first, and they headed for the exit. “What’s with those two anyway?”

“She claims that I committed to open a marketing business with her before the accident, and there are some things that are a little spotty, but I would never do that. You know that she and I were talking, but things never went beyond that, at least as far as I remember, and I’m not going to be bullied into business with her.”

Todd’s mouth hung open, and he wondered if he had stepped into some weird time warp. “Starting a business takes more than just talking about it.”

“I know, but reality doesn’t seem to have free rein in Corrina’s head.” Duncan didn’t seem to be too bothered about the whole thing. “She isn’t going to get anywhere.”

“I don’t get it,” Todd said, lightly scratching the back of his head. “She used to be fun to hang out with in college. Though come to think of it, she always seemed jealous of anyone else who got close to you.”

“I don’t think I ever noticed that. Maybe there are other things I missed.” He swallowed. “I thought we were friends.”

“I think she guarded your friendship. You were hers, and anyone else had to know that they were less important than she was.” Todd huffed and rolled his eyes. “It was more like being your friend was part of her identity. You were an athlete, and handsome.” Todd grinned.

“Yeah, well. After graduation, she got that job in California. You remember?” Duncan asked, and Todd nodded.

“She got fired after her cheese apparently slipped off her cracker. Corrina told me the pressure of being away from family, a new job, and a whole different way of doing things was too much for her.”

Duncan glided down the sidewalk toward the corner as they talked. Parking was always difficult in this section of town, and they had a few blocks to go to get back to the car. “I was trying to figure out how to put my degree to work and still have time to train, and I figured an online marketing and promotion business would allow me to set my own schedule. Corrina has a similar background, so we talked about doing it together. We even started to set stuff up, but I realized that I was doing all the work and she was only talking about her stuff and never got it done. Nothing was ever finalized. Then I had my accident, and that’s about all I remember.”

They waited for the light to change, and Todd wondered if Duncan wanted some help, but refrained from asking and didn’t just grab the handles of Duncan’s chair. That seemed rude to him, like he was taking away Duncan’s control, like Duncan wasn’t fast enough or good enough to do it himself. He must have heard that somewhere, and it stuck with him.

The light changed color, and they moved into the street. A green Toyota turned right in front of them, nearly clipping Duncan as he crossed.

Todd grabbed the chair with one hand, throwing the other around Duncan’s torso to keep him from going forward. “Idiot, watch what you’re doing!” Todd yelled as the driver sped off. “Asshole,” he muttered under his breath. “You okay?”

Duncan nodded, breathing deeply. “I guess I am.”

“Good.” Todd released his hug, and they continued crossing. At least the rest of the drivers were considerate. Todd let his heart settle back to normal and swallowed to wet his suddenly dry throat. “Some people are real idiots.”

“Tell me about it. That seems to be my life right now. Dealing with idiots.”

Duncan continued on down the sidewalk, growing quiet, and Todd walked next to him, trying to think of a safe topic. He and Duncan used to talk about skeleton and sports in general. Or about guys or cars. But all of that seemed to be things Duncan wasn’t able to do any longer, and he didn’t want to throw it in Duncan’s face. It was so damned unfair.

“What do you want to do after racing?” Duncan asked.

“I really want to open my own garage, but I don’t think that’s going to be possible, at least not for a long time. No one is ever going to loan me money to start a business. I have way too much debt already, and I seem to get more each year.” He wasn’t sure how much longer he could compete, regardless of how sharp and internationally competitive he got. The financials were going to force him to quit.

“I know. I was approaching that same point before the accident.” Duncan paused and turned his chair around. “I sometimes wonder if it was worrying about money all the time that made me lose focus on the track. I filled notebooks with calculations for how I could get the money I needed to continue training.” He spun around again. “It really sucks, Todd. We train and work hard just so the USOC can screw us over and get rich. It’s sickening.” Duncan smacked the arm of his chair.

It was true. The top administrators made millions each year. “But what can we do about it? If we as athletes make a stink, they ban us. If we try to use the Olympics in any way to promote ourselves and try to get sponsorships, we get hauled in and disciplined. They have all the power and make all the damned rules, and squeeze each and every one of us.” There were times when Todd wanted to quit and build a normal life, but he loved what he did, and nothing else gave him that same rush as hurtling down a course at eighty-plus miles an hour on a sled and his wits and reflexes. Maybe he was a little crazy, but he’d fallen in love with his sport the first time he tried it.

“I don’t know. Probably nothing at all.” Duncan sounded as frustrated as Todd felt. “But I don’t think talking about it is going to help either of us right now.” He stopped outside the car. “What I think we need to do is learn the rules so we can try to use them to our advantage.” He turned the chair around. “I know we can’t use any Olympic symbols, but we could use pictures of you if you won a medal.”

“What for?”

Duncan smiled. “I talked with Trevor, and he wants to put together some marketing for the garage. I have a couple of really good ideas. I’m still working on them, but maybe you could come over some evening after work and I could show you, since one of them involves you.” Duncan pulled open the car door and shifted inside. Todd took care of the chair, and soon they were off toward the park.

“One of the people at the hospital suggested I should get a motorized wheelchair. They said it would make it easier for me to get around,” Duncan said as they pulled into one of the parking lots near the ravine.

“Do they get that you’re an athlete?” Todd asked, and Duncan reached across, placing his hand on Todd’s. Warmth radiated instantly from where Duncan’s hand rested on his.

“Obviously not, and it was only one person.” Duncan waited while Todd got the chair in place and then shifted himself into it. “Sometimes people don’t think. I’d rather wheel myself around and get some exercise. It’s what I do. Mom says I should look into wheelchair racing, but that feels like giving up to me. I want to get better and be able to walk again. Then I want to run, and maybe I’ll figure out how to fly under my own power.” He pushed the car door closed. “I want to be the man I was before all this happened.”

“You still are that man and you know it.” Todd met Duncan’s gaze. “You never let anything get in your way when you were racing, and I don’t see that changing. You have to realize that. The chair doesn’t define the man, but the man can be defined by the chair if you let it.” Todd took a second to wonder where in the hell that had come from.

“Are you a philosopher now?” Duncan teased.

“I think so. But you know I’m right. The Duncan Masters I’ve always known is the same person walking along next to me,” Todd said, determined to get Duncan to see that.

“But I can’t walk,” Duncan snapped. “And I might never again.”

“Sure you are. You’re just using wheels. Big fucking deal.” Todd grinned as they started along the walkway. “Come on. I’ll race you.”

Todd took off, hoping Duncan would take the bait. Sure enough, Duncan’s competitive streak kicked in, and soon Duncan rolled right alongside him and slipped past. Todd put on a burst of speed and crossed the open area first.

“I could have beaten you if you hadn’t cheated,” Duncan groused lightly as he coasted to a stop. He breathed a little heavily and sweat beaded his brow, but color dotted his cheeks and his eyes shone in the sun.

“Maybe next time.” Todd motioned, and Duncan continued down the narrow walkway. People passed them going the other way, stepping onto the grass so Duncan could continue. “This is one of my most favorite places in the whole world.” They entered the woods and approached the dormant lighthouse on the bluff alongside the path and the stone bridge with the carved lions on either side of the entrance.

“Olmsted designed this part,” Duncan said. “He’s the guy who designed Central Park. I love this bridge.” They stopped in the middle of the intricate footbridge over the ravine. “It reminds me of some of the ones in New York. I used to come here as a kid all the time, and I’d imagine that the road was lined with carriages on their way up to the castle.” Duncan pointed in the direction of the huge house at the end of the road. “There were no princesses in my stories. Just a prince who was trying to figure out who he was.” Duncan sighed. “Sometimes I think I’m still trying to figure stuff out.”

Todd snorted and covered his mouth, a little embarrassed. “I think we’re all doing that, and once we think we have things under control, life throws us a curve and we start all over again.” He shifted closer, standing next to Duncan, who took his hand. Todd squeezed his fingers but didn’t dare actually look at him. He didn’t want to break whatever spell seemed to have descended over them. For the moment things were perfect.

Voices approached, and Duncan let his fingers slip away. “This isn’t a good idea.”

“What? Holding hands?” Todd rolled his eyes.

“No. This… anything between us other than friendship.” In an instant, it was like Duncan had shifted ten feet away.

Footsteps neared them on the bridge, voices in conversation that passed behind them and then off and away.

“Duncan….”

“It doesn’t matter.” He turned. “I’m broken, Todd. We can talk about anything we want, but that doesn’t change the facts. I’m in this chair and parts of me don’t work anymore and there’s nothing I can do about it.” His eyes blazed with flame. “I won’t let you throw your life away, or…. I know we haven’t said anything, but things can only be friendship between us. I need to realize that, and so do you.”

Todd knelt down in front of Duncan. “How about you let me figure out what I want.” The longing in Duncan’s eyes drew him closer, like a magnet to steel. Few things were as attractive as someone looking at him as though he were the only person in the world who mattered. Todd continued leaning closer. “Just let go of what you’re so hung up on. How do you know what I want or what’s good for me?”

“I know I’m not much good for anyone,” Duncan whispered, as though he could say the words but was thinking something very different. Todd lightly touched his smooth chin and pressed a little closer. Duncan blinked and backed away, shaking his head. “I….” He tilted his head downward, as if looking for something.

Todd followed Duncan’s gaze to his lap. “I’m sorry.”

Duncan sniffed and raised his gaze slightly. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. At least not on your part.” He seemed to deflate. “You can’t make things work again, and neither can I. No matter how much I want them to.” He blinked, and a tear rolled down his cheek. “I have no one else I can talk to about things like this right now.” He turned away and looked between the decorations in the bridge and out along the ravine.

Todd leaned on the balustrade, figuring now was a time for silence. He would let Duncan talk if he wanted to. But he sat quietly for a long time, and Todd’s impatience slowly got the better of him.

“What did the doctors say about it?” Todd asked in a hushed tone.

“They said that there is the possibility that sensation and some functionality might return. But that was months ago, and nothing else has happened.” Duncan sighed. “I can’t talk about shit like this with my mom. I mean, how am I supposed to have a heart-to-heart with her about my dick?”

Under normal circumstances a sentence like that might have been funny, but this conversation wasn’t usual, and Duncan was hurting deeply. The gravel in his voice spoke more loudly than his words.

Todd rested his hand on Duncan’s shoulder. “You know that isn’t the most important thing in the world.”

Duncan laughed, deep and pained. “Maybe not to you. Yours works. Mine… nothing… for months. I watched hours of porn just to try to see if I could make anything happen. I can’t. It’s like everything is shut off.”

“But can you feel if you touch yourself?” Todd whispered. He could hardly believe they were having this conversation, but if this was what Duncan needed, he’d certainly talk about anything Duncan wanted to for as long as he needed to.

“Yes. But nothing happens.” Duncan sighed and rolled back a little.

“Then it will happen,” Todd said firmly. “I bet there are lots of things that you couldn’t do when you were first injured that you can now. This will be another of them. Your body is still healing and stuff.” He shifted closer and gripped Duncan’s shoulder. “Give yourself some time.” He turned as Duncan looked up at him. “Everything will work out in the end—you have to believe that.”

“But what do I do if it never comes back?” Duncan blinked and bit his lower lip. “Mom told me that being in the chair doesn’t mean that I can’t find someone to love me, but if things don’t work… how can I expect anyone to want to be with someone who’s broken?” He leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes.

Todd wondered what he could do to help Duncan see that he wasn’t broken. Or that Todd didn’t see him that way, at least. When he couldn’t think of anything else to say to cheer Duncan up, he asked, “You feel like continuing on?”

“Yeah.” Duncan scrubbed a hand over his eyes. “I think that’s enough of my maudlin attitude. We came out here for some fresh air and sunshine, not for me to throw a wet blanket over everything.” Duncan wheeled himself across the bridge, and Todd followed.

“It’s okay if you want to talk. I’ll listen—you know that,” Todd said, catching up in a few strides.

“I know. But you shouldn’t have to. You didn’t pick me up for the day so I could dump all my baggage on you.” Duncan continued on, rolling down the way until they entered one of the open lawns.

“I picked you up so we could spend some time together and maybe have a little fun.”

“Having much yet?” Duncan sniped, and Todd rolled his eyes.

“Not really.” He touched Duncan’s shoulder to stop him. “Let’s go back to the car.” This wasn’t working the way Todd had pictured it.

Duncan turned around, and they started the way they’d come. “You can just take me home. I know I’m not a barrel of monkeys.” He rolled ahead, and Todd followed, letting Duncan take out his frustrations in the way he propelled his wheels forward.

Once they were back in the car, Todd pulled out, but instead of going back to Duncan’s, he headed downtown. He pulled into a parking space before checking his phone. “Perfect,” he said softly before continuing on.

“What are you doing?”

“You’ll see.” Todd parked near the Oriental Theater and helped Duncan out. “I figured you haven’t had time to see many movies, and I know how you love action flicks. This afternoon they’re showing a matinee of Wonder Woman. I saw it a few months ago—it was amazing. So let’s go.”

Once Duncan was out of the car and on his way inside, Todd noticed the ghost of a smile on his face.

Todd bought tickets, popcorn, snacks, and enough soda to keep them using the bathroom for hours once the movie was over. They were showing the movie on the center screen, and Todd held the snacks, letting Duncan go ahead.

They found a seat on the aisle, and Duncan found a place for his chair. He set the brake, and Todd handed Duncan his popcorn and soda. “I did want to see this, but Mom wouldn’t take me.”

“I’m glad we’ll get to see it together.” He reached over, squeezing Duncan’s hand. Whatever made him happy was a good thing.

The lights lowered, and Todd sat back to watch the film.

 

 

“THAT WAS awesome,” Duncan said as soon as the lights came up.

“It was.” Todd took what was left of their snack containers to throw them away and then followed Duncan out of the theater, blinking once they hit the sunshine. “Have you had enough to eat?”

Duncan’s groan turned to a chuckle. “I don’t think I’m going to need my chair to roll home if I eat any more.” At the very least he was smiling, and Todd got him back in the car to take him home.

“Is your mom going to be back yet?” Todd asked.

Duncan shrugged. “It depends on how annoying my aunt was today. Sometimes she can be nice, but mostly these visits are because she feels obliged to have us over.” He sighed softly. “I don’t know why my mother bothers with her. She treats us like we’re white trash from the wrong side of the tracks. I hate visiting her. Mom tried to pressure me to go, but I already had plans.” He smiled broadly.

“I think I remember her. Your Aunt Sylvia. She came to one of the events with your mother. She looked more like a Barbie doll than a real person.”

“That’s Aunt Sylvia. She’s never been one to shy away from anything… clothes, makeup, surgery—you name it. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of that, but she takes it to such an extreme. Last year she got it into her head that there was something wrong with her eyelids. They were too droopy or something, so she had them done. Now she complains to my mom that she can’t close her eyes all the way.” Duncan chuckled.

“You don’t care much for her, do you?” Todd teased.

“She can do whatever she wants to her body. It’s hers, and she’s an adult and free to make her own choices, but she thinks she should be the one to make everyone else’s decisions too. Mom is going to come home all turned around because Aunt Sylvia will tell her all the things she thinks she and I should do.” Duncan leaned back in his seat. “I want my mom to be happy, and sometimes she’s too danged nice for her own good.”

“Why does she listen to her?”

“She’s my dad’s sister, and I think she holds on to his family to hold on to him. She wants to preserve anything to do with him. Not that I blame her. I miss my dad too.” Duncan turned away. “It’s been a long time, but I still wonder what he’d think of me and what I was trying to do. Dad always supported the things I did, and I wanted to make him proud….”

“I’m sure your dad is proud of you. Why wouldn’t he be?”

Duncan looked at him like he was crazy, then lowered his gaze to his legs. “My dad would want me to fight and rage against being in a chair. But how can I fight what I can’t control? On a run, we train so our bodies know instinctually how to make split-second decisions during the ride that will either save us fractions of a second or cost them. Shifting our weight or raising our head a fraction of an inch can slow us down. All of that is under my control, and a good run is because I made it so. A bad one is my fault as well. I could control that. But my legs will never carry my weight again. There isn’t going to be enough activity through my spine to allow that.”

“I think your dad would be proud of you no matter what. He’d want you to do your best, but you’ve got guts the rest of us don’t have.” Todd got on the freeway and headed north toward where Duncan and his mother lived.

“Don’t feed me a line of bullshit about how strong I am because I’ve learned to live with this….”

Todd growled slightly but kept his voice even. “I meant that it takes strength to envision a new life for yourself. Do you think everyone copes as well as you have? I doubt it. Give yourself some credit.”

“For what, not being able to walk?”

Todd groaned. “How about for figuring out a way to move forward? There are plenty of people who aren’t able to walk, and they move through life just fine.” The poor-me routine was getting a little old and he wanted to put a stop to it. “You can have whatever life you want. All you have to do is be willing to go out and get it. So you may never walk again, and there will be other things you can’t do. But there is plenty you can, and that’s what you should concentrate on.”

“Is that your advice?” Duncan challenged.

“You might give it a shot rather than being angry with me for trying to help.” Todd merged right, took the exit, and pulled to a stop at the end. “This is frustrating as hell for you, I know that, and I want to help, but I don’t know what to do. Okay?”

Duncan nodded. “Sorry. There’s nothing you can do to help. This is one of those things that no one can change. I have to get used to it.”

“That’s what I’m trying to say. You don’t need to get used to it. You need to learn what you can do and try to do a little more each day. I’ll help you if you want.” This was more frustrating than he expected. Todd took a deep breath and pulled out all the patience he had. Duncan was hurting, and he was frustrated, but it had nothing to do with Todd. “Just tell me what you need me to do.”

“I don’t know,” Duncan whispered, more like a prayer than anything else. “I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be like I was again.”

“Maybe this is the new normal,” Todd offered, and Duncan shrugged and hung his head. Todd felt completely useless. Maybe he should just keep his mouth shut and let Duncan do the talking. He certainly didn’t seem to be helping, his advice coming out as stupid platitudes because he was at a loss for anything else. Duncan needed more than that, though Todd had nothing better at the moment.

“I know it. That’s what scares the shit out of me. What if things don’t get any better? Am I supposed to live with my mother for the rest of my life?” Duncan shuddered, and Todd stifled a chuckle.

“Of course not. You’re perfectly capable of living on your own, and you know it. You did it before, and you can do it again. Being in a chair doesn’t mean your life is over.” Though if Todd tried to imagine himself in one, a cold chill went up his spine. If he were honest, Duncan’s accident had brought home just how dangerous the sport he loved was.

He navigated through the suburban streets before turning onto Duncan’s road. The house seemed quiet, and there was no car in the drive.

“Do you want to come in?” The skeptical expression told Todd that Duncan expected him to get Duncan inside and then dash away like he had the plague.

“Sure.” Todd climbed out of the car and went around to slide the chair out. Then he followed Duncan up the ramp, where he unlocked the house and went inside. Duncan excused himself and rolled down the hall. Todd sat in the nearest chair, waiting for him to return. He should have gotten the small sodas, since he’d probably gone a little overboard and needed the bathroom.

Duncan came back a few minutes later. “Can you help me sit on the sofa?”

Todd nodded and lifted Duncan out of the chair, cradling him against his chest. The heat washing off him was seductive in itself, and with Duncan’s arms around him, it gave the illusion of intimacy that Todd would have liked to have last longer. He placed Duncan on the sofa and heard him sigh.

“You have no idea what it feels like to be able to sit in a regular seat like an adult. I go from my bed to the chair, to the toilet to the chair. I eat in it and even nap in it. Mom can’t lift me like that, so I spend almost all my waking time in the damn thing.”

“Do you want me to get you anything?” Todd asked.

“I’m good, thanks.”

Duncan reached for the television remote and nearly tumbled off the sofa. Todd caught him and settled Duncan back on the cushions, then handed him the remote, not saying anything about it. “Maybe we can find a movie or something to watch.” He turned on the television and within seconds had RED 2 playing.

“I love this movie,” Todd said, and they settled in to watch. It had been a long time since he’d spent an afternoon doing very little, and soon Todd felt his eyelids droop. He straightened when Duncan leaned against him, then put his arm around Duncan’s shoulders and held him.

Duncan had already made it clear that he didn’t think he could have any sort of relationship with anyone, but after seeing him again, Todd’s heart had engaged. Todd hadn’t expected it, but just holding Duncan sent heat running through him like liquid lava.

At a break in the movie, he turned, tempted to kiss Duncan just to see what he tasted like. “Are you okay?” Todd whispered, holding Duncan a little tighter.

“It’s been a while since anyone touched me, other than doctors or my mother to help clean me up. Do you know what that’s like? Feeling like nothing more than a patient to anyone?”

“You aren’t a patient to me.” Todd leaned against Duncan, hoping he could make him a little happy while they sat together.

“I know. You’re a friend, and I haven’t had a lot of those lately.”

Todd inhaled sharply. “Why not?” He could almost feel Duncan rolling his eyes.

“Everyone sees the chair when they look at me. They don’t know what to say and become uncomfortable, so after visiting once or twice, they stop coming by.” He shrugged and sat back up. Todd didn’t let go of him, still wanting Duncan to know that he was there. “I get it, I really do. It was how I used to feel sometimes. I wouldn’t know what to talk about, or I’d be afraid of the questions I’d ask. It’s just easier to stay away.”

“That sucks.” Todd knew Duncan was right. He hadn’t known what to say and was ever so grateful for Duncan’s mom calling to help break the ice. One thing was for sure—he had no intention of staying away from now on. “And I’m sorry.”

They lapsed into quiet as the movie came back on.

A car pulled into the drive during the final setup of the climactic scene. Duncan’s mother was home. Todd thought of moving away, but he wasn’t ashamed of holding Duncan or being close to him, so he stayed where he was and greeted Duncan’s mother warmly.

She returned the greeting, staring at them for a few seconds, and then left the room. She returned with two glasses of juice. “Did you boys have a good time?”

“Yeah, Mom. We went to a movie and took a walk in the park. It was really nice to get out for a while. How were things with Aunt Sylvia?”

“You know, honey, I think you were the smart one. The next time she invites us over, I think I’m going to have an appointment for oral surgery.” She actually laughed nervously. “I’m glad you boys had fun. I’ve got to get dinner ready.” She watched the television for a few minutes, and when Helen Mirren took out the cars in the chase, she turned and left the room.

“Mom hates movies with any blood in them,” Duncan said, and they returned their attention back to the screen, Duncan leaning a little closer.

“Should we watch the rest of this later?” Todd asked.

“No. She’s going to work in the kitchen. Just turn it down a little and it will be okay.”

Todd turned down the volume, and they watched the rest of the film. Then he turned off the television, figuring it was time for him to go.

“Do you think you could come back in a few days? I want to go over my ideas for the garage before I present them to Trevor. I need them to be really good.”

“Of course. I work late on Monday and Tuesday, but Wednesday I’m done at five or so. We could get together then.”

Duncan nodded.

Todd stood, helped Duncan back into his chair, then went into the kitchen to say goodbye to Duncan’s mom.

Duncan saw him to the door. “I’ll see you after work on Wednesday.”

Todd took one step and turned back around. “What the hell…,” he whispered under his breath. The entire damned day he’d wondered what Duncan’s rosy lips tasted like, and the aching behind his eyes drew him in. Todd went over to Duncan, leaned down, and kissed Duncan gently.

Duncan stilled and then, to Todd’s surprise, kissed him back. It was soft, gentle, even a touch tentative, but it sent a jolt of energy racing up Todd’s spine like a thunderbolt. He pulled back and noticed Duncan’s eyes were as wide as saucers. Whatever was between them, he’d felt it too.

“I’ll see you on Wednesday.” Todd squeezed Duncan’s hand before turning to head for the car.

Once he was inside, Todd started the engine and made it out of the drive and down the street before pulling over. He took a deep breath, wondering what the hell he was going to do. Duncan had made it clear he wasn’t interested, but Todd had pressed him…. And now, how in the hell could he turn his back on that kind of attraction? Todd shook his head and wondered what he was going to do now, because he didn’t want to lose his friend.