~K~

"Knox, man, how you doing?" Jim slides a beer my way before taking a sip of his own.

"Hanging in there." I shrug, and take a long pull from my beer. I got back in town last night. Since Ethan is awake and doing well, my parents are checking him back into the sober home. They decided to stay another week, maybe more, until Ethan is settled and doing well.

Jane and I caught the last flight out and I worked from home today. I'm exhausted, to say the least. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm thankful tomorrow is Saturday so I can rest before playing catch up on Sunday.

"How's Ethan?" Ron digs into the salsa and chips on the table. We're eating at a local Mexican place; their homemade salsa is unbelievable.

I sigh and my shoulders sag as I reach for a chip. "Better. A long road is ahead of him, though. It won't be easy."

"I can only imagine." Jim pops a chip into his mouth. "Addiction is hard on everyone. I already talk to my kids about drugs. Never too early, I say."

"It's good to teach awareness. Sometimes, it happens anyway." I sip my beer as I remember Ethan. So happy and fun-loving. I never thought he would've gone down this hard road.

"You're right. My kids knew about them before I talked to them. I'm sure other kids say shit in school." Jim spoons more salsa on his plate before grabbing another handful of chips. "Any more news on Sharon?"

I shake my head. "Nope. I hope I never see her again."

"What about Emma?" Jim crunches on a chip, throwing out the question like he didn't just drop a bomb.

What about her? I can't stop thinking about her? She infiltrates every waking thought. I don't know if I want to go find her or if I want to run far away.

I haven't told a soul about the miscarriage except for Jane.

I broke down on the flight, my emotions rushing forth like a broken pipe bursting with water.

Jane and I shed tears for what could've been. She whispered words to me I'll never forget, in our moment of sadness, our world bleak and dark. "Knox, you need to go to her. She's hurting, I know first-hand she is. You know my miscarriage killed me... don't let hers kill her."

I remember her breaking down. She'd been much further along, almost ten weeks when she suddenly lost the baby. It took her a while to get past it, and I know it's a huge reason in her break up with Andy.

"I don't know, really... I'm confused as fuck." I look away, uncomfortable with the conversation. I haven't figured shit out in my own head, how can I tell them?

"Listen to both your heart and your head. You'll figure it out, Knox. You've got a lot of lights on up there." Ron grins at me as he dunks a chip in salsa.

I chuckle. It's good to laugh again.

"I agree with the smarty over here, Knox." Jim hooks a thumb towards Ron. The waitress arrives and we order another round of beers.

"Time will tell, I'm sure." I polish off my beer before helping myself to more chips and salsa.

"It will. So, did you see the new comic books they released this past week?" Jim veers off into more neutral territory—our love for all things geek. But my mind stays where it's been all week; on Emma's gorgeous face.

~E~

I spend the weekend in my house. I don't leave. I don't answer the phone. What's the point? I don't want to talk. Alone is what I want. Away from any stress or reality.

I lose myself in books and TV, the need to occupy my mind overwhelming. I can't let myself think the unwanted thoughts that run through my head on repeat.

I attended the small memorial service Connie's few family members had for her. The whole occasion was sad and I wept through the speeches and prayers. Connie may not have led a glamorous life but she was someone. She had a beautiful smile and the few, rare times I saw her happy, her face could light up a room.

My mother and sister still haven't made an appearance, their silence loudly heard. It's on purpose, everything with them is for a selfish reason. I'm sure they're ashamed and disappointed. I'm relieved, yet sad. Sad it has to be this way. Family shouldn't judge you. They should love and accept you for who you are.

Here I am, almost in my thirties. I've finally realized how horrible the house rules are. They're jaded and judgmental. It took me losing a baby and my mother shunning me to realize how awful her views on love are.

I can't believe it took me so long to realize...

A horrible loss had to occur before it would all finally make sense...

Love shouldn't be this way. It shouldn't be filled with hate and judgement.

It should be filled with acceptance and kindness. Happiness and gratitude. Loyalty and respect.

It shouldn't be like how my mother's love is. Cold and calculating. Hostile and manipulative.

She's brainwashed me for long enough. No more. I've had enough. I'm breaking free.

If she can't accept who I love from now on, then she doesn't deserve a part in my life. She'll be sad one day when she realizes she's lost me for good. Same with Melissa. My father on the other hand... he'll always have a relationship with me if he wants to. I know he needs to break free, too. I hope one day he will.

Sitting up on the couch, I throw the blankets off. I stand and pace the living room, needing to get the nervous energy out.

I don't know where it came from but I feel lighter, happier. A tiny bit, a small sliver of something.

If only Knox would come to me...

I shake out my hands and head to the kitchen.

Does he even deserve another chance? Should I let him?

Yes! You love him!

No! You don't love him! You’re in love with the idea of him... what he gives you... the sex, the security, the friendship...

I open the fridge and look for the lunch meat. My belly rumbles as my mind swirls.

What if he doesn't want me anymore?

Maybe the whole pregnancy thing scared him off...?

I grab what I need and slam the fridge shut.

I sigh as I layer the meat and cheese.

I just don't fucking know.

~K~

I throw the covers off and stand in a huff, my entire body glistening with sweat. I don't think I've slept longer than fifteen minutes tonight.

Making my way to the bathroom, I strip off my tank top and boxer briefs. I turn the water on lukewarm and I wait for it to reach the right temperature. I lean against the counter and hang my head.

My mind won't rest. A constant battle rumbles inside and won't shut the hell up.

Call Emma. She needs you. More than you need her. Do it for her.

No! Don't go there again. You went too far last time and you can't do that to her again.

How do you even know she still wants you, you cocky ass?

I should've held on to her when I could...

Is it a risk worth taking? Is SHE a risk worth taking?

I've never met anyone like her. She's gorgeous, funny, amazing in bed, sweet, caring... God, is there anything she isn't?

Sure she can be shy and sometimes competitive or defensive... but I don't care. The thought of another woman makes my skin crawl.

I only want her.

My heart screams no... no... it'll be stupid.

A broken heart all over again.

But, maybe she won't break it. Maybe she'll fuse it together with her own.

Two broken hearts pieced together as one.

Can I see her as my wife? The mother of my children?

Can I deal with her mother and sister for the rest of my life? Will she ever be done with them if they cross a certain line?

Especially when we have kids... they'd have a crazy grandmother.

I groan as I step into the shower. My head throbs as hard as my heart does.

Why is this so hard?

Why can't there be an easy answer?

The warm water runs over my body as I think about what the fuck I should do.

~E~

Knox texted me this morning.

<Hi. Hope ur doing good. Can I come over later?>

He wants to come over? We do need to talk...

<Ok. What time?>

<How's 12? I'll bring lunch>

<Ok. See u then>

Rushing around the house, I straighten and clean. My house hasn't seen much company lately, and my cleaning skills are lacking.

I shower and dress and when it's almost noon, I call Sarah for a pep talk.

"He's coming over soon, S. I'm not sure I'm ready." I jiggle my leg while I sit on the couch.

"It'll be fine. It's still the same Knox. Just talk, that's all."

"I can't handle another rejection... I..." My doorbell interrupts me. "Shit, he's here. I'll call you later, ok?"

"Ok, hon. I love you and remember to breathe."

"I love you, too." I whisper before I hang up. I stand and smooth down my long shirt that hangs down over my soft leggings.

I open the door and Knox stands there, his shoulders hunched, his mouth in a tight line. Dark bags sit under his eyes, his face shows his exhaustion. He looks like hell.

Just like me.

"Hey." I manage as I step back and open the door for him to enter.

He shuffles past me, a hint of his musky cologne filling my nose. He carries a bag of takeout food, the fried smell mixing in with his heady scent.

Even tired, he looks handsome in his cargo style pants and long-sleeved fitted t-shirt. I close the door behind him and follow him into the living room. He sits down on the couch and pats the cushion next to him.

I sit beside him, and he leans back, pulling me back with him. I wring my hands together in my lap. It's awkward. I focus on my hands, on keeping my breathing even.

Should I accept his touch? The comfort he brings fills me up, makes me feel whole.

So, why is it so Goddamned awkward between us?

"I'm sorry, Em. There's been so much going on."

I nod, unsure what to say.

"How're you feeling?" Knox whispers, and his arm comes around my back. I jump at his touch, my heart running wild. God, how I've missed him...

"All right, I guess." I shrug and bite my lip.

"I know it's been hard." Knox whispers, bringing his head closer to mine. I feel his breath on my neck and I shiver, chills run down my spine. "I'm so sorry, baby. None of it is your fault."

That's all it takes. Those simple words of his—not your fault.

Knox wraps both arms around me and I cry, the wet tears soaking his shirt. I claw at his shirt, needing to feel him, needing to let myself feel.

The tears fall until nothing is left. My face dries as I hiccup and shake. All that's left is Knox's sweet voice and soft touches.

* * *

"You haven't heard from your mother or sister at all?" Knox dishes out salad for both of us. After an hour of comforting each other, we decided to eat and talk things out. I stare down at my food, my appetite still low.

"No." I sip my water as my stomach clenches.

"Isn't that odd for them? They seem to be up your ass most of the time." Knox raises an eyebrow.

"It is, but I'm pretty sure I know why." I swallow more water in hopes of calming my stomach. It doesn't work. "She's shunned me because of the pregnancy."

Both of Knox's eyebrows raise in question. "Why do you think that?"

I sigh. "I know my mother. She's very old fashioned. I mean, her rules clearly state to be careful when it comes to sex. Honestly, I'm surprised she doesn't enforce no sex before marriage. But for me to have become pregnant..." I trail off as I play with my food. I shrug and continue. "That's not being careful. It's something that should only happen after marriage and with her approval."

"Are you kidding me? With her approval? What is this 1950?" Knox chews his salad, his eyes never leaving mine.

"I know. It's insane. Sarah told me she overheard Melissa and my mom talking about how disappointed they were. And now, neither one of them have called me or checked on me. It's like a knife to the gut. As much as I try to avoid them, it hurts they aren't there for me when I'm going through this." I sniffle, as I move the lettuce around my plate.

"I'm sorry, Em." Knox reaches over and squeezes my hand. "They don't deserve your love, in my opinion. They should be here for you no matter the circumstances."

Knox is right. They should. It only deepens the wound, the cracks in our relationships growing bigger. I'm not sure they'll ever be repaired.

I smile as I study his profile. His ruffled hair and unruly beard only make me want him more. His compassion, his empathy at what I've been dealing with, what he's been dealing with. It's all there in his appearance.

We talk about Max and Sharon. We talk about Ethan and Connie.

Everything we've wanted to say, we say... with nothing holding us back. We comfort each other.

We may be therapists, we may have expertise in our field, knowing why the human brain works the way it does, why people do things and react the way they do but that doesn't mean we aren't real people.

We fail in our own relationships, our own lives. But it doesn't make us failures.

It makes us human.

~K~

"How about we take things slow?" I gather our dishes and pile them in the sink. My anxiety peaks. I want her so bad. To ravish her right here on the kitchen table.

Easy, Knox. You decided on slow.

"I don't know, Knox. I'm not sure I'm ready for anything right now." Emma stands from the table and moves to the living room.

I follow her as I watch her hug herself, her hands rubbing along her arms. She moves around the living room as if she's unsure of what to do.

I watch her, wanting more than anything to take her in my arms and forget everything.

Why can't it be simple? Simple, easy love? The way it should be?

Not realizing what I'm doing, I move towards her and catch her waist, pulling her flush against me. She gasps, her face flushing red. I press her head to my chest and breath in her scent. The scent I've missed so much...

My cock twitches as I run my hands up and down her back, and I feel her shiver.

And, then there's cold where there was just warmth.

Emma pushes away. "I can't think wrapped in your arms."

My hands drop to my side in defeat. My shoulders sag and the familiar sadness that's followed me around returns. Its disappearance was brief yet blissful.

"Knox... I just... I need time." Emma sits down on the couch as she buries her hands in between her legs. She looks up at me with sad, tired eyes. I yearn to reach out and comfort her.

She needs space.

She deserves space.

As much as I want to try to work it out, I'll respect her. I'll grant her wish.

I kneel down in front of her and pull her hands into my own.

I don't want to leave... I can't...

I blow out a breath, my heart sinking in my chest. I lean in and press my lips to her cheek before I whisper, "Okay, Em, take all the time you need."

* * *

I haven't moved since Knox left. My brain is overloaded.

My doorbell rings and I jump. Who could that be?

I make my way to the door and look through the peephole.

My mother.

Panic rushes through me.

Now, she finally shows up here? Is she going to be mean? Or understanding?

My nerves pick up speed and my breathing becomes erratic.

Relax, Em. Get this over with.

My doorbell rings again. "Open up, Emma! I know you're in there!"

I take a deep breath and swing the door open, my mother's mouth is drawn into a tight line.

"Well, are you going to let me in?"

I stand back and let her pass. As soon as I close the door, she whirls on me.

"Do you not care why I haven't spoken to you?"

I debate how to answer. Whatever I say won't be the right answer.

Before I can, she's in my face, jabbing a finger in my chest. "You got pregnant! Before marriage! And with that despicable person! It's your fault you lost that baby. God knew it'd be a bastard child."

My hands clench at my sides and all I see is red. Her words strike something inside me. I move away before I lash out. I'm afraid of what I might do.

I don't utter one word as I pull open my door. "Get the fuck out."

"What? You will not talk to me like that young lady!" She gets close to my face and I move again. "It's not my fault you can't keep your legs shut!"

"Get out!" I scream. Angry, hot tears spill down my cheeks. “Get out! Get out!"

"You'll be sorry, Emma." She huffs past me and I slam the door shut. I lean back against it and slide slowly to the floor.

I thought my tears were done. But, no, they slide down my face as if they'd never stopped.