~E~

"She lost a lot of blood, but the transfusion went well and there was no harm done to her uterus. She's lucky her friends brought her in when they did. Otherwise, she could've bled to death." A soft voice continues speaking, hushed conversation mixed with machinery beeping.

Where in the hell am I?

In an instant, everything comes rushing back.

The pain.

The blood.

The darkness.

My baby!

I try to wake up but my eyes are glued shut. I will them to open but nothing happens. I try to move my arms, my legs, but nothing works.

The darkness calls me again and as much as I want to fight it, it's so tempting... so peaceful...

I slip under again, letting its warmth take hold.

* * *

"Emma? Emma, you in there?" A deep voice rumbles in my ear.

That voice... I know that voice...

"Emma, baby, please wake up. Show me you're okay."

I will my eyes to open, to match the voice with a face.

My hand tingles, a familiar buzz rushing up my arm.

"Emma, baby, let me see those gorgeous brown eyes. Come on, baby."

My eyes open to slits, a sliver of light peeking through.

"There you go, baby. Come on, wake up."

I push them all the way open and a face hovers above me, blurry yet there, a familiar shape I've come to love.

I blink a few times and the person comes into focus. Knox... it really is him.

A rush of relief flows through me. I can't explain it but I'm beyond relieved to see Knox hovering above me.

He brushes my hair away from my face. "You feeling okay?"

I shake my head, my throat dry and parched. "Water?" I croak.

I can't move much of my body; I'm weak and exhausted.

Knox brings a cup of water with a straw to my lips and I swallow big gulps, the cold water rushing down my throat.

"I'm so sorry, Em." Knox says as he places my water down next to me. "I had no idea..." Knox shakes his head as he rubs his jaw. His eyes are dim, the light from them gone. His body posture is slumped, his clothes wrinkly and his hair messy.

"I rushed here from Arizona, as soon as Sarah called me. I'm sorry to hear about Connie and now this." He grabs my hand, bringing it to his lips. He presses his warm mouth to the back of my hand as his eyes search mine.

"I'm such an idiot, Em. I never should've treated you the way I did. I should've talked to you, worked shit through like a normal adult. Instead, I was selfish and scared. I'm sorry."

Knox grips my hand with both of his as he hangs his head low. I feel wetness splash the back of my hands. Oh Knox...

My heart melts at the sight and I take my other hand and run it through his unruly hair. His locks are soft and smooth.

I don't know how he knows, or who called him, or how he even got here.

But, I don't care. All that matters is he's here with me.

"And, now a baby... our baby..." His voice breaks and my heart clenches.

The baby's gone. I knew it the moment I saw the blood.

But it never hit me.

Until now.

My hands shake and black spots float before my eyes.

Tears pool in my eyes and my breath hitches.

The grief consumes me, holding me in its grip.

First Knox, then Connie, now this.

It's all too much. Too much to handle, too much to process.

Knox sits up and climbs next to me in the bed, squishing into my side. He wraps his arms around me, his heat enveloping me.

We both sob quietly as we mourn the loss we weren't expecting.

* * *

I'm released from the hospital a couple of days later. Knox had to fly back to Arizona to be with Ethan.

Another blow to my gut; learning his brother overdosed and is still in a coma. My heart aches for him and his family.

Knox and I haven't spoken about anything, both of us too caught up in our own grief.

Sarah and Abbie bring me home from the hospital where my mother waits. Apparently, Melissa has better things to do while my father has completely checked out. Sarah told me she heard my mother telling Melissa he's threatened to leave. Honestly, I wonder what took him so long.

My relationship was never great with my dad, him being a quiet, shy man. But he supported us and never complained, and to that, I've always made sure to check in on him once in a while.

Dread fills me as we get closer to my house. Sarah mentioned how awful she'd been towards the doctors while I'd been sedated. Once Knox arrived, she didn't show her face again.

"Will you guys stay with me until she's gone?" I ask, as I ring my hands together. My leg jiggles as we pull into my driveway.

"Of course, Em. Where's her car?" Sarah parks the car, killing the engine.

"I have no clue." I unbuckle but don't move.

"Looks like the coast is clear." Abbie swings her door open, grabbing my bag as she hops out.

"You never know with her." I run my hands through my hair as I stall for time. I don't want to see her right now, her judgmental looks, her stupid opinions. I need time to deal and process.

"I'll go check." Abbie takes the keys from Sarah and makes her way up to the door before disappearing inside.

"If you didn't want her over, you should've told me." Sarah turns to face me. Her mouth slips into a frown as her eyes study my face.

She's sad and she's worried. I look like a mess and I've lost so much weight, I don't recognize myself.

My long thick tresses hang limp and greasy, and I'm sure the bags under my eyes aren't pretty. I shrug as I watch Abbie run back to the car.

"Coast really is clear! No sign of her." Abbie reaches in and takes my hand. I breathe a sigh of relief. It's only a matter of time before she's here, but for now, I can relax.

As much as my mind will let me.

~K~

Ethan's condition hasn't made much progress. The doctors saw some brain activity and a few finger and toe twitches. We hope he'll wake soon. My mother and father haven't left and Jane went home to recoup for a few days before coming back out with me.

I haven't told her about Emma and the miscarriage. I can't wrap my head around it, never mind be able to talk about it.

I had no idea she was pregnant. How long did she know for? A long time without telling me? Did she think she couldn't tell me?

God, everything is too much lately.

I want to run. Clear across the world and forget all of my problems.

My mother didn't ask questions when I told her I had to go. She knows a friend had an emergency and she was good with that.

Now, we are back to sitting around Ethan's bedside. How many hospital bedsides will I be next to before I find myself in my own? The stress and emotional turmoil boiling inside me is ready to explode.

I stand, unable to bear the silence any longer. I pace back and forth as Jane watches me. I need to get out of here.

"I'll... I'll be back." I don't look back, unable to see anymore sadness.

Once I'm out in the dry, Arizona heat, I get in my rental car and I drive.

And drive.

And drive.

Until I hit the end of the road and slowly have to make my way back.

~E~

I toss and turn, sweat dripping down my back, my tank top clinging to clammy skin. Sleep doesn't come easy and I drift in and out, flashes of the week's past events playing on repeat.

I lost the baby because I didn't want it.

I lost the baby because I broke the rules. The rules I was supposed to follow and never break. I'm being punished. Karma's a bitch they say.

I fist the sheets and scream as loudly as I can. I scream until I can't hear my thoughts anymore.

And then I cry. Until I fall into an exhausted sleep.

* * *

Days pass. I go to work, listen to my clients, and then I go home and check out of reality by reading or binge watching Netflix.

Knox is still gone, though he texts me here and there to ask how I'm doing. I don't reply. It hurts too much. I know he needs to be with his family and I respect that. But, the sadness that consumes me is lonely and miserable.

I can't keep bogging down Sarah and Abbie, though they stop by and check on me often. My mom and sister seem to have disappeared.

No words of comfort, no asking how I am.

I know I wasn't pregnant for long. I know I didn't want the baby, didn't know what I would've done.

But I still suffered a loss. A loss that's left a hole in my heart.

I do know I would've loved that child unconditionally and I would've made things work. No matter what it took.

Pain and sadness is lonely.

I've never felt more alone in my life.

~K~

"He's awake! He's awake!" My mother runs into the hospital cafeteria, a huge grin on her face.

Jane and I look up from our cold coffee, her warm smile breaking some of our icy shells.

"Really?" Jane and I stand.

"Yes! He's asking for you two." Our mother pulls both into a hug, her happiness spreading through.

When she pulls back, tears spill down. She cups our cheeks. "Thank you so much for being here. Through all of this. You have no idea how much it means to me."

Up in the room, Ethan is sitting up, drinking from a straw. He waves and we rush around him.

"I'm so glad you're awake, Ethan." Jane squeezes his hand before gently hugging him.

I pat his shoulder. "Good to see you again, bro."

Ethan smiles and settles back against his pillows. His eyes dart around at the four of us. Out of nowhere, tears leak from the corner of his eyes.

My mother sobs hard as she hugs him again, clinging to his hospital johnnie.

"I’m... so... sorry..." Ethan chokes out. "I... need... help..."

A sense of relief washes over me. Maybe this will be the last time.

It's the first time he's ever admitted he needed help.

I squeeze his hand. "I'll get you the help you need, even if you won't listen to me a few days or weeks from now. I promise you that."

And I do. I promise to make sure he gets the help he needs. No matter what it takes. He can hate me, but in the long run, he'll thank me.

I step back and sit in the chair next to the bed, letting the rest of them fuss over him. I'll get my time with him later.

My eyes drift close and Emma fills my mind. My heart aches to see her, to make sure she's okay. A strong need to touch her overtakes me, and my chest is heavy, my stomach twisting in a knot.

I don't feel whole without her. Knowing she's alone and hurting pains me. I need to make my way back to her. We need to heal together. To overcome this loss.

Even though I never knew, I still feel a punch to the gut.

We had a baby together. And we lost it. All in the blink of an eye.

My heart races at the thought of children with Emma.

Do I want her? Is my heart telling me the truth? Do I honestly love her?

I squeeze the arms of the chair. I just don't fucking know.