She’s laughing at me. Head back, hand over mouth, straight up laughing at me. I don’t know how to react. How is a man supposed to react when he admits to a girl that he was jerking off to her picture when he was twelve-years-old, and she laughs like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard?

“Something funny?” I cock my head to the side, fighting my own smile because, well, how can I not smile when she looks so fucking adorable as she clears her throat, a slight blush coloring her cheeks.

“I just...” Her blush deepens.

“After everything I did to you last night, me jerking it to your picture should be the last thing that makes you blush.” I wink, forking three large pieces of waffle onto my fork before shoving it into my mouth.

“I guess I just find it hard to believe that you saw me that way back then.” I look up to meet her gaze, her green and yellow eyes damn near making me forget what the hell I’m about to say.

“You’re all I thought about.” I shrug.

There’s no use denying the truth.

I’ve spent years hiding my feelings for her, but I’m not a kid anymore. I know now what living with Melanie Anderson feels like; it’s something I don’t ever plan to do again.

“It didn’t seem that way.” She looks down at her half-eaten waffle, shuffling pieces with her fork. “To me it seemed you were quite taken with another brunette in town.”

“Mel, look at me.” My words are gentle, but my demand is clear.

She doesn’t hesitate and immediately does as I ask.

“Dawn never had a thing on you. I was a boy, and I was thinking with two heads.” I chuckle to myself. “While my heart would have waited for you forever, other parts of me weren’t so patient.”

I almost expect to see the swarm of emotion I’m so used to seeing behind her eyes when the conversation moves to this part of our past, so I’m a bit caught off guard when I see the exact opposite.

She thinks on that for a moment, a small laugh forming with her words when she finally speaks.

“Well I guess I can’t really argue with that now can I?” She shakes her head. “But for the record, I would have gone way further than Dawn ever did,” she tacks on, giving me a your loss look before snagging a piece of bacon off the table and popping a bite in her mouth.

I swear to God, my jaw feels like it’s on the floor.

“Here I thought you were my good girl, Mel.” I can’t fight the smile in my voice.

“Oh, I was a good girl. But for you I would have gone bad. Very, very bad.”

I openly groan.

“How did I never pick up on any of that? I flirted with you relentlessly, but I never felt like you were interested in taking it further. I just always assumed you weren’t into me like that,” I admit.

“One,”—she holds up her index finger—“you had to be blind to not see how I felt about you. Two,”—she holds up a second finger—“I was a kid and hinting around clearly didn’t work. Maybe you should have just told me.” She drops her hand, picking up her fork.

“One,”—I mirror her previous action—“I guess I was blind because I didn’t see shit. Two,”—I hold up a second finger—“I was also a kid and also a very unobservant one at that; maybe you should have been up front with me.”

“I thought about it,” she says without hesitation. “I thought about it several times when we were younger, but I was too scared. Then Dawn happened, and well, you were preoccupied for a while. But then you broke up, and I desperately wanted to ask you to take me to homecoming our sophomore year. I even rehearsed what I would say, how I would tell you what I was feeling. Over and over again I went through the words in my head, but then every time I would see you, I’d chicken out.”

“You went to sophomore homecoming with Ian.” I don’t miss the surprise that flashes across her face.

“You remember that?”

“Are you kidding me? Of course, I do. I remember that little black dress you wore. The way it hung from one shoulder showing off your perfect skin. I remember having to watch you dance with that asshat all night until finally I couldn’t take it, and I ended up dragging you out onto the dance floor for the best slow dance of my life. My date left early because of it. Everyone could see what you couldn’t, apparently. I was in deep, Mel.”

“If you wanted to go with me so bad then why didn’t you just ask me?” She sets her fork on the plate and wipes her mouth with a napkin, her eyes never leaving mine.

“Why didn’t you?” I counter back.

“You’re the guy, you should have been the one to ask,” she huffs playfully.

“Honestly, Mel, I was afraid if I asked that you’d say no. By the time I got the balls to ask, you had already agreed to go with Ian.”

“And after that?” she questions.

“You started dating Steve not long after that. You two were together for what, over a year?” She nods. “And then senior year happened and everything was just a blur. Plus, Michael and Tanya had broken up, so you were pretty much glued to his side for the last few months before graduation. I never felt like the timing was right.”

“Yeah,”—she blows out a breath—“but you got along just fine. You had an endless stream of girls on your arm. I think the word player may have been thrown in your direction a time or two.”

“I pretended, Mel. I wasn’t a player, not really. I was just looking for a girl who made me feel even a fraction of what you did, but I never found it. So, I gave a fucking Oscar-winning performance for most of high school, just biding my time until I could get away from you. I was convinced I would never be happy while you were around because I couldn’t stop comparing all the girls in school to you. I didn’t know it at the time but leaving would prove to be even harder than staying.”

Silence stretches between us.

“I loved you, you know?” She finally speaks. “My whole life. From the moment I saw you step out of that red Camaro onto the street.”

“I loved you, too. From the moment I saw you circling your bike in front of my house that same day. You were wearing cut off shorts and a boy’s baseball cap with braided pig tails coming out from underneath. I watched you from my bedroom window for as long as I could before my mom made me start putting some of my stuff away. After that, I couldn’t wait to get outside and find out where you went.” I smile, recalling the memory. “When I found you, I don’t even know how to describe it. I had never looked at girls that way before, but looking at you made me feel—different. I’m pretty sure you stole my heart right then and there.”

“How was I so convinced you didn’t feel the same way about me that I felt about you?” She lets out a slow sigh.

“How was I so convinced you didn’t feel the same way about me that I felt about you?” I repeat back to her.

“All that time we wasted.” She turns her head, looking out the wall of windows, losing herself in thought.

“We’re here now,” I remind her, pulling her gaze back to me.

“It’s funny. In a lot of ways I feel like no time has passed. Like we haven’t spent the last six years apart. Is that weird?” she asks.

“Not at all. I feel the same way.”

“Promise me, right here and now, we won’t make the same mistakes twice. Promise me you’ll always be honest with me about how you’re feeling, no matter how hard it may be for you to say.”

“I promise,” I say without hesitation.

“And promise me that if for whatever reason this doesn’t work out, we will find a way to still be friends. I know that sounds ridiculous given everything we’ve been through, but I need to know I won’t lose you again.”

“I promise you won’t lose me again, no matter what.”

“Then I promise, too.” She smiles so fucking beautiful, I can no longer contain myself.

“Good, now get your ass over here.” I stand, loving that within seconds she’s in my arms, clinging to me like I’m her lifeline. Lord knows she’s always been mine.

Sixteen-years old

I hate high school dances, almost as much as I hate the shit you have to wear to one. I want to protest the whole thing, especially after learning that Melanie is going with Ian fucking Samuels.

I hate that kid even more now. Stuck up little shit thinks he owns the world, and now he’s got my girl on his arm.

You heard right, she’s my girl. Even though I’ve all but accepted she’ll never be mine in the way I want, I still feel like I’m somehow entitled to claim her, being that she’s been my best friend for six years and all.

Because I can’t stand the thought of sitting at home obsessing over the fact that she’s at homecoming with that jerk off, I decide to suffer through the ritual that is a high school dance.

I dress the part and play the perfect date, picking Courtney up right at seven with a lavender corsage that matches her dress. You would have thought I gave her a diamond ring with the way she reacted.

I smiled through pictures and bumped fists with some of my buddies in the hallway. To any onlooker I probably seemed completely normal and relaxed, but on the inside I was losing my shit. All I want to do was get inside the gymnasium and find Melanie.

Up to this point she’s not really dated, per se, so this feeling is something I’m not entirely accustom to the sickening twist in my gut called jealously. God, if this is what it feels like just knowing she’s going to a dance with someone, how am I going to feel when she actually starts dating—or worse, having sex?

The thought has me clenching my fists at my sides and grinding my jaw as I try to fight back the demon that has begun to rage inside of me. I tug on Courtney’s hand and quicken my strides. I’ll feel better once I lay eyes on her, I tell myself.

Ian didn’t pick Mel up like a normal date would, so as much as I would have loved to get a glimpse of them before they left, I wasn’t able to. Mel has always been embarrassed of the old house she lives in, and to this day I think I’m only one of three people, Dawn and Michael being the others, who has actually been inside her house.

Not that there’s anything wrong with where she lives. I mean, it’s old and in need of some major repairs, but it’s clean and pretty organized for the most part. Even still, she feels ashamed of it, and for whatever reason that makes me sad for her.

Courtney squeezes my hand as we enter the gym. What I’m used to seeing as our basketball court has been transformed into twinkling lights, large balloon bouquets, and long, black fabric that hangs from the ceiling giving the whole room a dark, intimate feeling.

It isn’t until we reach a group of friends at the table closest to the stage where the D.J. is set up that I actually get a chance to scan the room. I don’t see any sign of Melanie, but then again, the entire gym is packed with people; a good portion all pressed together as they slow dance to some whiney, mellow tune.

I already feel uncomfortable, and I’ve been here all of two minutes.

I barely have time to greet the handful of people sitting at the table before Courtney has my hand again and is pulling me out onto the dance floor.

I’ve never been much of dancer. I know enough to not step on a girl’s feet every two seconds, but that’s about it. But like most things, I fake my way through it with a smile like there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

It’s during one of those moments, where I’m laughing and pretending like I know how the hell to do the Electric Slide, that I finally spot Mel. We lock eyes, and an instant buzz runs through my body. The same sensation I feel every time I look at her.

Her gaze falls to Courtney, who’s suddenly leaning into me, pressing her chest into my arm, and then back to me.

I don’t even realize the song is over until I feel Courtney tug me toward her and the slow song finally finds my ears. I watch over Courtney’s shoulder as Melanie wraps her arms around Ian’s neck and allows him to lead her around the floor.

She looks so beautiful it fucking hurts my chest. A knee-length black dress drapes her gorgeous curves. The material is loose over one shoulder, sliding down to around her elbow revealing her perfect, smooth skin under the twinkling lights.

I have to bite down on my bottom lip to stop myself from groaning out loud. I swear every time I see her, which is becoming less and less the older we get, she gets even more beautiful. Like impossibly beautiful.

I don’t know when it happened. When did my cute little tomboy who looked at me like I was the only boy in the world, grow up into such a stunning young woman?

I can feel her slipping away from me; pulling away from me might be a better choice of words. I could feel it when the Dawn situation was happening. Even now that it’s over, she still has yet to look at me the same way she used to.

I watch Melanie for the next hour. Even though I’m still dancing with Courtney and stopping to talk to some of my friends, I’ve got her in my sights every step of the way. Watching her is complete and utter torture. Finally, with only about an hour left, I excuse myself from the table where I’m sitting with Courtney and march right up to where Melanie is standing at the drink table.

Ian nowhere in sight.

“Hey,” I say, coming up behind her.

She jumps slightly and then turns, a smile crossing her face when she meets my gaze.

“Hey, you.”

“Are you having a good time?” I ask.

“For the most part, yeah. I’m realizing I didn’t miss much when I decided to not come last year.”

Of course she didn’t, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t miss her being here. Of course, I came with Dawn, and that time wasn’t the best for Mel and I.

“I could have told you that.” I snort, quickly adding, “Where’s your date?”

“Restroom... Where’s Courtney?”

“Over there talking to God knows who this time. That girl does not shut up.” I blow out a breath.

Melanie holds a hand over her mouth, trying to hide her laughter.

“Go ahead, let it out. No need to start censoring yourself around me now.”

“I’m sorry.” Her words are riddled with laughter.

“Don’t be. It’s a rough life.” I smile, reaching my hand out to her. She takes it without hesitation and allows me to pull her onto the dance floor.

“Just what do you think you’re doing, Mr. Lincoln?” she asks when I pull her into my arms.

“Dancing with the prettiest girl here, of course.” My smile feels like it’s splitting my face open when she rolls her eyes and then drops her arms over my shoulders, her fingers latching behind my neck.

“I bet you say that to all the girls,” she jokes, allowing me to slowly sway her back and forth despite the fast song currently playing.

“You’re the only girl I care enough to say it to,” I say, pushing her long, dark hair over her shoulder, my fingers lingering on the open material of her dress for a second too long. “You look beautiful by the way.”

“Thank you.”

Just then the music dies down and a slow song begins to play. The second Melanie realizes it’s “Love of a Lifetime” by Firehouse, she squeals and closes the small gap that separates us.

“You and your hair bands.” I laugh, tightening my grip on her.

“Shut up and dance with me, Cole.” She closes her eyes and lays her head on my chest, and fuck if that doesn’t do something magical to me.

Before I know it, we’re lost in the song, in the words, in the feeling of being wrapped so tightly together I can feel her heart beating against my own. Her sweet smell of cotton candy and vanilla dances around me, and I’m quickly drunk on her scent.

It isn’t until I hear her quietly singing along with the words that I nearly lose it all together and profess my love for her right here on the spot. Instead, I settle for singing the words right back to her.

I’m not the greatest singer in the world, but I just need some way to tell her what I need, how I feel, what I want, without actually saying the words; not that she has any clue that’s what I’m doing.

The moment is exquisite and for the smallest sliver of time it really feels like she IS mine. Like she belongs right where she is, tucked against me.

We sway together, body’s melded, hearts in unison, arms gripping each other like we never want to let go.

Only when the song ends, she does let go. She drops her hold and takes a full step back, a forced smile planted firmly on her face.

That’s when I see it—the look in her eyes that tells me maybe, just maybe, I’m not alone in all of this. But as quickly as it appeared, it disappears. She takes a deep breath, and I can feel the wall going back up—the one she placed between us when I started dating Dawn.

I want to plead with her not to, to see me the way she’s always seen me, but I know it’s too little too late. I knew I lost her the moment I approached her at her locker last year to find out she knew about me and Dawn. I could sense it right then and there that I had crossed a line I probably would never come back from.

I wish I could say I broke things off with Dawn and professed my love to Melanie right there on the spot, but that simply didn’t happen. Because, well, I’m a stupid boy who makes really stupid choices.

“You’re not half as bad at dancing as I thought you’d be,” Melanie jokes, pulling me from my thoughts.

She turns, nudging my shoulder as we make our way off the dance floor.

“You’re not so bad either, kid.” I nudge her back.

I open my mouth to say more, but the words never make it to the surface because Ian chooses right then to make an appearance, looping his arm around Melanie’s waist the moment we reach him.

“I wasn’t sure where you went,” he says, kissing the side of her head.

The action makes me want to punch him right in the throat. Totally irrational I know. But I’m sixteen and super territorial over a girl I have no right to.

“Sorry, Cole was showing me his sick dance moves.” She smiles in my direction.

“Chris and Dawn want to get some pictures with us,” he says, completely ignoring her statement.

“Okay, sounds good. Thanks for the dance, Cole.” She throws me a little wave before disappearing into the crowd with her date, leaving me once again cursing myself for letting her go.