Thirteen-years old

“Cole!” I scream, running so fast I feel like my legs might fall off as I make my down the trail leading to Michael’s backyard.

“Don’t worry, Mel. It’s just a little garden snake.” Cole laughs from somewhere behind me.

I’m glad he thinks chasing me with a snake is funny. If there’s one thing I’m scared of more than anything else, it’s snakes.

I don’t bother responding, I just keep running as fast and hard as my body will allow, trying not to trip on anything along the way.

I hear him closing the distance behind me, but I refuse to stop.

“Mel!” He laughs again, this time the sound so much closer.

My heart thuds violently in my chest and for a brief moment I think I might puke.

“Mel!” This time a hand wraps around my bicep, pulling me to an abrupt stop.

I swing my arms wildly, fear pumping through my veins.

“Mel.” Cole’s voice is firmer this time, pulling my gaze to his face.

He’s breathing heavy, humor still etched in his features, but he’s no longer holding the snake.  Both of his hands are wrapped around my arms.

“Where is it?” I’m almost in tears now.

“Do you really believe I would chase you with a snake knowing how deathly afraid of them you are?” He shakes his head, eyes narrowing in on my face.

“But. But you had it in your hands. You picked it up, I saw you,” I stumble out.

“I dropped it as soon as you started running.” He laughs, the sound vibrating through his chest as he releases his hold on my arms.

“But you made me think you were chasing me with it,” I huff, crossing my arms in front of myself.

“You did that to yourself. Not once did I say I was going to do anything. I picked up the snake to throw it further into the woods, and you bolted.” His dark eyes are full of laughter, and he bites his bottom lip like he’s trying to hold it inside. I’m sure he finds this whole thing hilarious.

“You’re such a jerk, Cole Lincoln.” I push his arm away when he reaches for me, a wide smile on his face, those dimples that I love so much on full display.

“Mel,” he whines, sticking out his bottom lip.

“Don’t you Mel me, Cole. You knew I would freak out, and you picked that snake up anyway.” I stomp my foot like the dramatic teenager I am.

“Come here.” He’s not laughing this time, though, I can still see the twinkle of humor in his eyes as he pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me.

I wish I could say I understand the feelings that flood my body whenever Cole touches me, but I haven’t quite been able to grasp where they come from. I mean, sure, he’s cute and all boy, but he’s still Cole—my Cole.

“I’d never do anything to hurt you, Mel, you know that right?” He speaks into my hair, rocking me ever so slightly. “You’re my number one girl, after all.”

“Your number one girl you like to terrorize,” I rumble against his chest.

He pulls back and flashes that smile of his, and I melt into a ball of mush.

I can’t even stay fake mad at him, and he knows it.

“Maybe I just like making you my damsel in distress so I get to be the one who saves the day.”

“My prince,” I deadpan, and he almost buckles over in laughter.

“What am I going to do with you, kid?” Cole slings his arm over my shoulder and then drops a quick kiss to my temple, something he’s done a million times before.

So then why today does it feel so completely different?

I look up at the boy next to me, his brown hair standing up in every which way, a playful smirk still pulling up the corners of his mouth, and it hits me like a punch to the stomach. All the air leaves my body in one swift movement.

I like Cole Lincoln—like, like-like him.

This is so not good.

We’ve spent an amazing day together. It almost feels like the years between us have simply vanished and we’re kids all over again, back when things were normal between us.

After breakfast Cole took me to the same theme park his mom had taken us to years prior. Unfortunately, all the rides are closed till spring, but they had a ton of winter activities set up. We walked around, reminisced, and drank hot chocolate out of small paper cups.

He even convinced me to join him on the ice rink where I fell not once but five times. Each time he would laugh and help me back up.  I actually enjoyed falling because it meant moments later his arms would be around me, pulling me up, rescuing me like he always used to do.

“You know how much I love my damsels,” he had whispered in my ear at one point, transporting me back to when we were kids and all the times he had said that to me.

It made the sore butt and bruised elbow so worth it.

After that we had dinner at Firewood Grill, one of my favorite restaurants, before eventually making our way back toward the house. But in true Cole fashion, he wasn’t done just yet.

Which leads me to where we are now, hiking up a vine and stick-littered path with very little sunlight left in the day and the temperature rapidly dropping.

“What exactly are we doing here?” I follow Cole up the trail and through the woods we used to play in as kids, not really sure why he’s brought me here.

“You’ll see.” He throws me a smile over his shoulder and squeezes the hand he’s holding as he pulls me behind him along the narrow path.

It’s overgrown and looks like no one’s been through here in years, but the trail is still visible, just barely.

“Do you remember how we used to always play hide and go seek back here? Dawn would always freak out because she hated that we would always make her be the seeker first.”

“How could I forget? Dawn was always the most dramatic of the group.”

“You had your moments too if I recall,” He says with a laugh.

“Excuse me? I did not ever act like Dawn.” I try to keep the humor in my voice and not let it give way to the tiny, insecure piece of me that thinks maybe he’s right.

“You sure about that?” He turns to face me the moment we step into the clearing, but I’m too caught in the moment to give the smart ass retort I normally would have served.

My eyes roam the space, the small opening in the woods that we spent days clearing out to make way for the fort Michael and Cole planned to build. Stepping past Cole, I suck in a sharp breath when my eyes land on the rickety structure.

The fort seemed unbreakable when we were kids. Now it looks like it’s about to cave in on itself. While still impressive for a bunch of twelve-year-old kids, it’s clear the old place hasn’t aged well over the years.

“I can’t believe it’s still here,” I say more to myself than to Cole, walking toward the fort which looks very much like you would imagine a tree house only it’s on the ground. Well, and the fact that it’s falling apart.

“I couldn’t either when I came up here a couple days ago.” Cole steps up next to me, his eyes trained in the same direction as mine.

“You’ve been here already?” I flip my gaze to the side of his face.

I don’t know why the news surprises me, but it kind of does. Then again maybe that has something to do with Dawn. Maybe he was reliving his first bit of action with a girl. Of course he has no idea I know this little bit of information. She made a point to tell me that Cole felt her up in the fort, came to my house well after midnight to brag.

Doing something like that back then was a big deal considering I had yet to even experience my first kiss. It felt more like she was rubbing it in than telling me. The fort was always our place...

“I wanted to see the old girl.” Cole pulls me from the memory.

“Why?” I can’t help but ask.

Truth be told, I’ve considered coming here a time or two myself over the years but could never bring myself to do it. I worried it would be too painful.

“I just wanted to remember.” He shrugs, meeting my gaze for the first time since arriving. “Don’t you?”

“I don’t need an old fort to remember any of it, Cole. I remember you. I remember everything.” In some weird way it feels like I’m declaring my love—laying my heart right there in the dirt in front of him—even though I’ve said nothing of the sort.

“Mel.” He reaches for me, but I step out of his grasp, just needing a minute to clear my head.

I stop directly in front of the fort’s entrance. If I close my eyes, I swear I can hear us—all of us. Laughing, playing, like we don’t have a care in the world. Because back then we kind of didn’t.

“Do you feel it, too?” I tense when Cole steps up directly behind me, so close I can feel his breath on the back of my neck.

“Feel what?” I ask, trying to play off the small tremor in my voice as cold jitters, considering it’s pretty much freezing right now.

“Like you’ve just been transported back in time?”

Well I did a few moments ago, but now that he’s standing so close, his smell invading my senses, I can’t seem to think straight anymore.

“Uh huh,” is all I manage to get out when Cole wraps his arms around me from behind and secures my back to his chest, resting the side of his face against mine.

“I sometimes wish I could go back and do it again. I mean, I love where I am now but fuck, I miss this.” His arms grow tighter around me.

“Me, too,” I admit, but more about being in his arms than here at the fort.

Cole and I have always danced this little dance. I didn’t realize it until much later what a touchy feely relationship we always had and how that must have looked to other people. It always felt so natural then, but now, standing here like this, my entire body feels like it’s being dangled over a fire.

When he turns me in his arms, his face so close a simple push up on my toes and my lips would be on his, my mind goes soft. I can’t think, can’t react. All I can do is look up into those dark eyes and forget all the reasons why being here with him like this is wrong.

The moment seems to stretch on for an eternity.

I never truly took what Dawn had said about Cole’s feelings for me seriously, but now, now that he’s here—holding me like this, looking at me like this—it’s hard to argue.

And while he doesn’t say anything, his eyes say everything.

Kiss me.

It’s all I can think. It’s all I want even though I’m not allowed to want it.

But then just like that the moment ends. Cole steps back, clears his throat, gives me a lopsided smile and shrugs.

“Sorry, Mel. Forgot where we were for sec.” He shakes his head.

Disappointment settles deep in my stomach. It joins the regret and guilt that’s been brewing in there all day. I can tell myself we’re just friends until I’m blue in the face, but at the end of the day I can’t deny that I still feel the same way about Cole as I did the day he left, maybe even stronger now.

I’m just kidding myself into believing that this could ever be more or that it even should for that matter. Maybe it’s just the nostalgia of it all, and here I am once again reading way too much into things.

“We should probably head back soon. It’s getting dark,” I say, pointing up to the gray sky above.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” He takes a long look at the fort and then snags my hand again, throwing me a small smile as he guides me back down the path.

I’m not sure what he hoped to accomplish by bringing me here or if he really just wanted to exist together in a place we spent so much time at as kids, but the tightness in my chest I have been feeling all day has grown substantially since we arrived here.

I don’t know if I can do this.

I don’t know if I can continue to pretend that everything is okay and that I don’t still harbor anger toward him for choosing Dawn and for leaving me the way he did.

I don’t know if I can continue to exist in this bubble with him knowing that sooner or later it will pop and then where will I be?

And then there’s Nate. A man who I know loves me, at least in his own way. He’s the first man I’ve ever let in, opened up to, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. But if I continue to spend time with Cole in this capacity, hurt him is exactly what I’m going to do.

I’m not a cheater, and I will not, no matter how tempted I am, act on my feelings for Cole while Nate and I are still together. But I also can’t deny that if Cole were to ask me to be his, I would be, and that right there terrifies me more than losing him all over again. And isn’t that cheating in a way already? The fact that I know I have feelings for Cole and yet instead of avoiding him like I know I should, I end up spending an entire day with him reminding me exactly how deep those feelings run.

Before I know it, we’ve reached the outskirts of Michael’s yard. The house lights are off and my mind immediately drifts to Joan—all alone, still mourning the loss of her son. My heart cracks a little as we make our way past the house I can still envision walking into as a kid, never knocking, walking straight to Michael’s room to see what he was doing.

Cole squeezes the hand he’s still holding like he knows exactly where my mind has gone, but I don’t have it in me to meet those dark eyes that I know hold a bit of the sadness I’m feeling in them.

The rest of the walk back is silent. I don’t have it in me to pull my hand away because, to be frank, I love the feel of my small hand tucked in Cole’s large one too much to break the contact.

Just another thing showing how easily I give in to Cole.

When we reach the sidewalk that leads up to my house, I pause, not wanting to invite him in but also not wanting him to leave.

I open my mouth, not sure what’s going to come out but then Cole speaks first.

“Thank for you today, Mel. I can’t tell you how good it felt to just spend time with you again.” He releases my hand and pulls me to face him, his hands coming up to cradle my cheeks just moments before warm lips press against my cold forehead.

When he pulls back, there’s something in his eyes, a mixture of emotions I can’t quite read, and then it’s gone like it was never there to begin with.

His easy smile slides back into place and  shoves his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

“I probably should get going,” he says, rocking back on his heels.

“Yeah, me too. I need to call Nate and work on some photo edits.”

“Can I see you tomorrow?” His request surprises me. With the way things kind of spiraled this evening, I half expected him to take off tomorrow rather than wait around an extra day. “It’s my last day here.” He uses in a way of excuse.

“Okay.” I don’t mean to agree, but it just falls from my lips so naturally I can’t stop myself.

The smile I get literally makes my knees shake.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then.” He leans forward, drops another kiss on the top of my head, and then he’s climbing into his car and driving away.

I don’t push my way inside until his taillights disappear at the end of the street. I lock the door behind me and drop my house key on the coffee table seconds before collapsing down onto the couch on a loud, anguished sigh.

Rubbing my hands over my face, I take a few calming breaths, feeling the emotion I’ve kept bottled all day starting to force its way out.

He’s leaving the day after tomorrow.

He’s not into you like that, he’s just a friend.

If he’s just a friend then why does he look at me like that, like he wants to eat me whole?

You can’t go there, Mel. This is Cole freaking Lincoln you’re talking about.

But god I want to go there.

I want to lay my heart on the line and for once in my life actually fight for what I want, what I’ve always wanted.

But what about Nate?

I love Nate, but if I’m being honest with myself, I’ve never felt about Nate the way I do Cole. Nate is safe and predictable. Cole is wild and spontaneous. He makes my blood boil and my body sing. He makes me feel things that no other person on this earth has ever made me feel.

But you know what he’s like. You know you can’t depend on him.

My rational side pisses me off because I know it’s right. I can’t trust Cole. I can’t depend on him. And if I’m being honest, I don’t think I’d ever be enough for him. No matter what he says, or how he makes me feel when he looks at me in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever seen before, I know I have to stand my ground. I can’t re-invest my heart just to watch Cole walk away a second time.

That’s if he even wants you like that. Maybe you’re just seeing what you want to see.

I stamp the thought down. There’s no way I’m the only one who can feel this connection, this pull between us.

Better safe than sorry.

Is it? Is it better to play it safe and then wonder for the rest of my life what could have been, or is it better to find out firsthand and not be weighed down by regret years from now?

I could fight this battle all night long. Go back and forth between Nate and Cole. Between what I should do and what I want to do.

But then my phone, which I left at home this morning, starts buzzing on the end table, ripping me from my thoughts as I scramble to get to it before it stops ringing.

My initial thought is I hope it’s Cole, knowing he’s staying with Kyle and Corrine who both have my number. My heart leaps into my throat and then drops straight to my stomach when I see it’s Nate’s name that’s flashing across the screen.

Maybe this isn’t a bad thing. Maybe talking to Nate will help pull me back to reality.

With that, I swipe my finger across the screen and am greeted by, “Hey babe,” in that sweet, lazy tone I love so much.