Libby spent the rest of the week preparing to start her training contract the following Monday. She would be working at Digby and Edwards, a fiercely competitive law firm in the city of London. She would begin an eighteen-month training contract with three six-month rotations in different seats around the firm. She would be fighting with twelve other trainees to win a position with the firm.
She scoured her contract to find out about her maternity leave rights. Thankfully it was an extremely secure one which, once signed, meant they couldn’t get rid of her during the eighteen-month period her contract set out. Obviously they would be unhappy about the situation, but being a legal firm they would have to honour the terms of their own contract. She would be entitled to take maternity leave and then to resume her training when the period of leave ended. Angus was right, though: she would certainly have her work cut out to secure a place in the firm after that.
She couldn’t stop thinking about Angus’s reaction to her pregnancy news. He was plaguing her thoughts and it made her feel so uncomfortable. She hadn’t heard from him since. Besides, she knew there was no point thinking about what would happen after she had the baby quite yet. She kept thinking that the pregnancy might not progress that far, running through all the sad stories she had heard; sometimes it seemed impossible that anyone actually managed to have a child at all. She wanted to try and protect herself somehow from the disappointment that would come with a miscarriage. Despite the fact that this pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted, it was hard to remain emotionally disengaged with what was happening inside her body. Occasionally her imagination conjured the image of a beautiful, gurgling baby, of Luca carrying a tiny bundle in his arms. A flicker of excitement would pulse through her, which she would immediately try her best to suppress. Often her mind swirled with doubt. What if he left them and she had to struggle though this all alone? Without Angus’s support, the thought seemed too much to bear.
Luca phoned her around lunchtime every day before starting work in the bar. It worked well while she wasn’t working, though she knew it would be harder to talk when she was working all day, and he would be working all evening after she got home.
‘I miss you, amore,’ he said.
‘I miss you too. Hurry up and come over.’
‘I am already looking up flights. I can’t wait to come and see you, to check out your flat. It looks so nice!’
‘It is actually really lovely to be home. Though I do miss Positano terribly.’ Libby looked around her flat, her eclectic mix of furniture and brightly coloured furnishings were so familiar to her. Her flat was full of bags of personality and quirky finds that she had collected over the years. She tried to visualise Luca there with her, but found it almost impossible to imagine. If he ever came to live here, she wondered how he would cope.
‘How’s the bar? How’s La Casetta?’
‘It’s not bad, you know. Somehow we are surviving without you. How are you feeling? Has the morning sickness kicked in properly yet?’
‘It’s not great but I guess I’ve been quite lucky so far. I haven’t actually vomited. I just feel incredibly tired and a bit nauseous. I’ve downloaded this app which gives me an update every day. It said that the sickness tends to kick in around now, so I’m worried it’s just going to get worse and worse. Perfect timing for starting a new job, right?’
‘Oh, poverina. Are you sure you want to go ahead with it?’
‘I’ve got a signed contract; I can’t just leave. And I don’t want to anyway. I’ve worked so hard for this.’
‘So what does this app say about the baby so far?’
‘Today it says that its teeth are beginning to form. It’s the size of a strawberry now it’s eight weeks.’
‘That is so tiny…’
‘I know!’
‘I can’t believe it can be developing teeth if it’s that small.’
‘The whole thing is so mind-boggling.’
They talked for a good hour each day and, though she missed him physically, seeing him on FaceTime and being in such regular contact via WhatsApp took away some of the hardship of separation. She couldn’t wait for four more weeks to pass so she could hold him in her arms once again. He had offered to come sooner, but she wanted to keep her head down and focus all her effort on work. She didn’t know how hard it was going to be, and she wanted to make sure she wasn’t distracted. The initial phase would be so important, the first impressions so crucial, she didn’t want to mess them up. It was vital she did well, especially if she was going to make herself unpopular at some point in the not too distant future when she announced her news.
Monday arrived quicker than expected. She dressed with great care in a smart navy suit with a silk shirt and low heels. She felt ill with a toxic combination of nerves, adrenaline and morning sickness as she walked to Shepherd’s Bush to jump on the Tube.
It felt strange to be back in the slog of commuters. She longed for the peace and quiet of Positano as she crammed herself into a packed carriage of smartly dressed workers, skimming their copies of the Metro and checking their smartphones to make a start on the day ahead.
The first week at Digby and Edwards passed by in a flash. There was so much to take in. The facilities they offered were unbelievable. You could go to the doctor, the beautician, the gym all on site… they certainly did their best to ensure you never left the building. She met her supervisor, a senior associate called Jane with a very frosty demeanour, and was shown around the commercial litigation department which would be her seat for the first six months of her contract. She met the other eleven trainees, bonding immediately with a chatty, confident northerner called Samantha and a beautiful Nigerian called Tammy, who were sharing her seat in litigation. She knew she would need some allies to keep her mentally sane through the whirlwind induction process. They were given details about the firm and the work it did, as well as training on key skills such as time recording, work management and drafting, and information on how to get the support and advice they might need. They were also given the opportunity to meet some of the second-year trainees to discuss key pointers to help them through their first year.
By the weekend Libby just wanted to lie in a darkened room. She hadn’t actually been sick still, but it would almost feel a welcome relief if she was, the nausea was so constant and debilitating. She made sure she had a steady supply of ginger biscuits and mints in her bag to try and keep the nausea at bay and her sugar levels high. It would have been tough enough to cope with the first week at Digby and Edwards, without being pregnant to boot. She felt so guilty that she might not even make it through the first year of her training contract. She knew it wasn’t her fault, but she was also aware of how competitive it was to even get this far into the firm. They had chosen her from a number of potentially suitable candidates, essentially taking a place from someone else who desperately wanted one, only to announce her pregnancy.
During the weekend, Libby slept as much as she could. She was amazed at her capacity to sleep, getting a full ten hours at night and then an hour mid-morning and several hours in the afternoon on top of that.
‘It’s been so hard to get hold of you,’ Luca complained. ‘Every time I call, you are asleep.’
‘I am just so tired; I can’t keep my eyes open for longer than half an hour after I get home from work. I am literally just eating a bowl of cereal and going to bed.’
‘It’s hard when we can’t talk…’
‘I know it is, but trust me it’s worse trying to start a new job when you feel this terrible. So you should be feeling sorry for me, not complaining that I’m not available to chat.’
‘I know, I know. I’m sorry. I just miss you, that’s all.’ They had finally managed to agree to phone each other on Saturday morning before Luca started work. There wasn’t time to speak in the weekday mornings; she just got up and went straight to the Tube, and the evenings had been a complete write-off.
‘How was your first week? Tell me everything.’ She talked him through it day by day. It felt good to be able to share it all with him, even though he couldn’t possibly understand exactly what it was like. He was so interested, and asked so many questions, she could tell he was trying his best to get an accurate idea of what she was going through. On Sunday her mum called to find out how it was all going. Luckily she called in the early evening when Libby was still awake.
‘Hi Mum, how are you?’
‘All is well with me, my darling; I had a lovely day with Uncle Tony and Aunty Sue yesterday. We went around a National Trust house and walked through the gardens. How was your first week at work?’ Libby ran her through the details, excluding anything to do with morning sickness.
‘My goodness it does sound awfully complicated! I don’t know how you manage!’
‘I’ve honestly got no idea what I’m doing half the time. I feel like a fish out of water. It’s so confusing, there is just so much to learn.’
‘Have you had to use much Italian yet?’
‘Yes I’ve been reading through Italian documents, speaking to the Italian office and sitting in meetings with Italian clients. It’s just as well my Italian has improved so much. It wouldn’t have been anywhere near good enough before.’
‘Hopefully it’ll give you an advantage over the other trainees.’
‘It does give me priority to work on the Italian cases.’
‘That’s great! I suppose it’s all about making yourself indispensable to the firm.’
‘Exactly. Anyway, enough of all that, what other news is there?’ asked Libby. ‘Any exciting village gossip to fill me in on?’
‘Well, I don’t know about that darling. Oh! Guess who telephoned me yesterday…’
‘Helen?’
‘Yes!’
‘Wow, that is a turn-up for the books.’
‘I know. The third phone call in at least as many months.’
‘So how is she?’
‘She seems OK, I think. Not much news, but she seems to be plodding along well at work. I don’t think she has much of a social life to speak of. I didn’t really question her too heavily, just chattered away about trivia really.’
‘Well, I think it’s definitely a good sign that she called.’
‘Fingers crossed things are starting to look up for her.’
Libby hoped so too. She needed her to be in the best possible frame of mind when she told her about the baby.
By week nine the morning sickness began to fade just the tiniest bit. For the first time she agreed to go out for drinks with Tammy and Sam on the Friday after work. She pretended she had dinner plans so that she wouldn’t have to stay too late.
‘What’ll you have?’ asked Tammy, leaning over the bar to get the barman’s attention.
‘Rosé please,’ said Sam.
‘I’ll just have a lime and soda please,’ said Libby.
‘Are you not much of a drinker?’ asked Sam.
‘No, not really,’ lied Libby. ‘Never really have been…’ she trailed off. The good thing about meeting new people now was that they wouldn’t know she was not being entirely honest in this respect.
Tammy passed them their drinks and they went and sat down at a round table near the window. The bar was jostling with city slickers, all desperate to down several pints or a few glasses of wine as a reward for making it through another busy week. It was chaotic and noisy. Normally Libby would have loved the buzzing atmosphere, but today she plastered on a brave face and sipped her lime and soda, taking the opportunity to get to know her colleagues outside work.
‘So how are you both finding it?’ Libby asked. ‘I’m so glad we’ve got a chance to talk away from prying ears.’
‘It’s bloody hard work,’ said Sam. ‘I’ll tell you that much.’
‘It’s not really what I expected,’ said Tammy. ‘I mean, I’ve spoken to people, I watched all the vlogs and read blogs online, you know, “A Day in the Life of a Trainee”, and all that, but it can never really prepare you for the real thing.’ Tammy had come to law late, like Libby, after working in finance for several years. Sam, on the other hand, was fresh out of a law conversion following university. She was quite a few years younger, but you wouldn’t know it from talking to her, or from outward appearance.
‘There’s a lot to learn in a very short space of time,’ agreed Libby.
‘I’m sure the next few weeks will get easier now we’ve got the first three under our belts,’ said Sam. ‘I’m so used to being a student, I can’t quite believe I’m actually employed!’
Libby laughed, ‘Oh to be young and in your first job! You’re so much more sorted than I was at your age. I think I was temping at a magazine right about now.’
‘So girls,’ Tammy leant forwards. ‘Jane, what do you reckon? Total bitch? Or actually nice underneath that ice-queen exterior?’
‘Total bitch, definitely,’ voted Sam.
‘I’m not sure,’ said Libby. ‘I didn’t warm to her instantly. She is so inexpressive, it’s hard to figure out what she’s thinking. When I give her something to read over it could be the best thing or the worst thing that she has ever read – you’d never know by looking at her. She gives absolutely nothing away.’
‘She could try smiling every once in a while; it might lift the mood of the office somewhat!’ Tammy had definitely taken against their supervisor. She certainly was the polar opposite of Tammy’s warm, sunny disposition.
‘We’ve got to keep her on side, though. She’ll be the one to evaluate our performance over the next six months. And she’ll have a say in which seat we get next.’
‘Exactly. We need to win her over, somehow.’
The conversation soon moved away from work and on to their personal lives.
‘So I see you have a stonking great ring on your finger,’ said Sam. ‘When’s the big day?’
Tammy laughed. ‘I am engaged, yes, but we haven’t set a date for the wedding yet. We aren’t in any particular rush and I think I’m going to be too busy to start planning a wedding any time soon!’
‘Who is the lucky guy?’ asked Libby.
‘He’s called Jake. We met at my last job in the City. He’s pretty great!’
‘What about you Sam?’ Libby asked. ‘Do you have a partner?’
‘No… not right now. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend last year.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,’ said Tammy.
‘No, it was the right thing. It had run its course and the feelings were pretty mutual.’
‘Are you looking to meet someone new?’ asked Libby, always looking for an opportunity to matchmake.
‘No, not really. I just want to focus on my career for a while. Do you have a partner, Libby?’ she asked. Libby told them how she and Luca had met that summer in Italy.
‘What a romantic story!’ said Tammy. ‘A real Italian romance!’
‘I suppose it is rather,’ laughed Libby. If only they knew the whole story!
Tammy and Sam decided to stay and order food; they had both had several drinks by this stage and were getting rather merry. Libby made her excuses and left, unwilling to risk the smell of cooked food setting her off on another bout of retching.
By week ten the nausea had begun to settle down, leaving only the residual tiredness and a new side-effect of extreme bloating. She had to wear baggy tops and loose-fitting dresses to stop anyone from noticing her stomach at work; her boobs had already gone up by an entire cup size. By now the baby was apparently the size of a kumquat. Libby had had to use Google to find out exactly what a kumquat was.
That weekend her mum was up in London. She was going to the theatre with a group of friends on Saturday evening. As always when Miriam came to London, she stayed the night with Libby. Having been delayed on the train coming in from Kent, she had arrived at around tea-time and gone out fairly swiftly. She had her own set of spare keys, so Libby had gone to bed and left her to let herself in after the show. The next day they had breakfast together. Having warned Luca not to mention the ‘p’ word the previous day, she and Miriam had talked to him after breakfast. Miriam was fascinated by the ‘modern technology’ that allowed them to talk face to face, and was delighted to be able to meet her daughter’s boyfriend, albeit virtually.
There were only two weeks left until her scan, until she would see Luca. Now that she had reached ten weeks, the chances of miscarriage had dropped quite considerably. Having been utterly convinced the pregnancy wouldn’t work out, it seemed she was perhaps going to be proven wrong. Libby had decided that she had better confess the truth of her predicament to her mother.
‘Mum, I’ve got something to tell you and you aren’t going to like it,’ she said. She was arm in arm with her mother as they walked around the common, soaking up the morning sun.
‘Oh dear,’ Miriam replied. ‘That sounds rather ominous.’
‘I didn’t really know how to tell you…’ Libby looked at her mother and took a deep breath. ‘I’m pregnant.’
Miriam stood still in shock.
‘What?’ she asked.
‘I know. It’s a massive shock. I’m pregnant, ten weeks in fact. The baby is Luca’s.’
Miriam made her way over to a nearby bench and sat down. ‘Oh my!’ she said. Libby joined her on the bench.
‘I’m sorry to tell you like this, out of the blue, but there hasn’t really been an opportunity and I didn’t want to tell you over the phone.’
‘No… I can see that.’ Miriam shook her head. ‘But… you and Luca have only been together such a short time. How do you know he’s the right man to be having a baby with?’
‘I suppose I don’t really. It wasn’t planned, Mum. Luca and I love each other and we are serious about each other, but we wouldn’t have chosen this to happen now.’
‘Certainly not,’ said Miriam.
‘I feel so foolish, so cross with myself that I’ve got myself into this situation. But the fact is, somehow, despite the fact we were very careful to use protection, this has happened. A baby is coming and there’s not much either of us can do to change it.’
‘Does Helen know?’ asked Miriam.
‘No, I haven’t told anyone except Luca, Angus and Jules. I can’t bear the thought of telling Helen. Telling Angus was bad enough… he thinks I’ve really messed up. At least Jules has been supportive. Knowing that Angus thinks I’m making a terrible mistake has been really hard to take.’
‘You’ll have to tell her.’
‘I know. She’s not going to take it well.’
‘All she wants is a baby.’
‘I know. I feel guilty, really I do, but as I said, this was an accident…’ She tried to repress a surge of panic that suddenly swelled within her. This situation was so completely out of her control. She had no choice but to forge a path through it, but it was so hard.
‘Oh my goodness. I’m going to have a grandchild! I just can’t believe it’s going to happen quite like this. Out of wedlock. I mean, your father would turn over in his grave. What will everyone say?’
‘Do you really think Dad would be that shocked? Things are quite different these days; people decide to have children without getting married all the time. There are lots of single-parent families – and at least Luca and I are still together…’ For now, she added quietly to herself, unable to shake the doubt that things might not work out between them.
‘Well, I suppose it’s a blessing he didn’t leave the second he found out.’
‘He’s not like that, Mum.’
‘I wouldn’t know. I’ve never even met him!’
‘You will. He’s coming over in two weeks for the scan. It’s going to be on the Friday afternoon. Why don’t you have lunch with us on the Sunday so you can meet him properly? We will have a picture of the baby by then, all being well, so you can have a look…’
This seemed to cheer Miriam up slightly. Libby knew she needed to keep her mind focused on the positives. Her mother would be desperately worried about what other people would think. She had always played by society’s rules and hated the thought of any kind of scandal. The trouble was that Libby’s pregnancy probably would count as a disgrace amid Miriam’s small-minded circle of friends in Kent, and Libby would probably be the talk of the village when word got out. But Miriam had always said how desperate she was for a grandchild, so Libby was sure the fact that she would be a granny in just over six months’ time would be a major comfort to her.
‘What was your morning sickness like when you had me and Helen?’ asked Libby. She wanted to compare notes.
‘I don’t think I really had much. To be honest, I can’t really remember. One of you was worse than the other but I’m not sure which.’
‘I’m so worried about the scan,’ said Libby. ‘What if there’s nothing in there?’
‘Darling, that is extremely unlikely if you’ve been feeling sick!’
‘What if the baby has Down’s Syndrome?’
‘The chances of that are very slim. But there are plenty of Down’s children who go on to live perfectly happy lives, so it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. They will do further testing if it looks as if it might be a possibility.’
‘Yes, I suppose we would try and find out everything we could.’
‘You’ll have to decide that together.’
‘Thank god Luca is coming over for it.’
‘I’m sure he’ll be just as curious as you are to see the baby,’ Miriam told her.
After they had walked back home, Libby helped her mother gather her belongings and then drove her to the Tube so that she could make her way back to Kent.
‘Bye darling,’ said Miriam. ‘Look after yourself.’
‘I will, and thanks for being so understanding.’
‘It is what it is, darling.’
‘Call me when you get home?’
‘I will.’
Libby watched her mother disappear into the underground system. She felt a big weight lift off her shoulders now that she had told her the truth. She realised she had been dreading her reaction. Whilst it had hardly been overjoyed, she hadn’t been completely furious either, so Libby couldn’t complain. There would be plenty of time for Miriam to get her head around the idea. On a roll, Libby decided to bite the bullet and call her sister. Unsurprisingly she didn’t pick up. Libby left a message asking her to call back, but she didn’t receive any calls until the following Saturday.
‘You took your time getting back to me!’ said Libby. She was sitting on the sofa with her feet up and a cold glass of iced water by her side. At week eleven her baby was the size of a Brussels sprout, though the bloating she was suffering from made it look more like the size of a small pumpkin at this precise moment.
‘Sorry, sorry! I know, I’m useless on the phone.’
‘And on email…’
‘Yup. I’ll admit it. I’m a terrible sister.’
‘How’s it going?’ asked Libby. As always it was good to hear her voice.
‘Same old, same old. Nothing much to report. You?’
‘Well as it turns out, I do have something to tell you…’ Libby bit her lip and winced as she envisaged the reaction she would get from her sister. This was going to be awful. She felt crippled with guilt as she imagined how this news would impact Helen. ‘Hels, I’m… I’m pregnant.’
There was silence down the other end of the line. Then, ‘You’re what?’
‘Pregnant. I know. It’s absolutely crazy—’
‘You are pregnant?? What on earth…? Oh my god! Are you going to keep it? How many weeks are you?’ Helen was never one to beat around the bush, and Libby appreciated her directness.
‘Eleven weeks… It happened by accident. Luca and I had only been together six weeks or so when I found out. We used condoms, but somehow one of them must have broken or something. And yes, I am going to keep it.’
‘I’m sorry, I cannot quite get my head around this. You’ve only just got together with Luca and now you are pregnant?’ Each word was exaggerated with disbelief.
Libby winced as she realised how this would sound to Helen, single for a year and about to turn thirty-eight. If anyone should be getting accidentally pregnant, it should have been Helen.
‘Are you happy about it?’ Helen asked.
‘Well, initially I was just unbelievably shocked. I was so upset that I had got myself into a situation like this, but I knew we had been careful. It’s not like I had unprotected sex or anything like that. It was just coming up to the end of my time in Italy, and the timing couldn’t be worse with starting my training contract. It’s hardly ideal and there have been moments when I have felt as if I’m going out of my mind worrying about the future. But Luca and I are determined to at least try and give it our best shot, and I suppose I’m coming around to the idea, slowly.’
‘Well, I guess you are lucky, in a way. So many people never get the chance. Even if it is in completely the wrong order, and you would never have chosen for it to happen this way, at least you will have a baby. I’m actually a little bit jealous,’ Helen managed a small laugh. Libby’s heart broke for her sister; she knew how hard this would be for her.
‘Look, I’m sorry, Hels. I know this must be really weird for you and that it’ll have taken you massively by surprise. I still can’t get my head around it. Of course I’d rather have had a more traditional route to having a family, like we both always wanted, but it just hasn’t worked like that for me by the looks of things…’
‘I suppose sometimes the traditional route isn’t so great after all. You have avoided all the years waiting for the perfect man to show up. You’re pregnant and you’ll deal with whatever happens next, I know you will. You could have waited around and never met anyone you wanted to father a child with… I may never… And I really do want a baby…’ She trailed off, sounding wistful and sad. Libby felt awful.
‘Perhaps you could adopt as a single mother, or use a sperm donor?’ suggested Libby. ‘There are lots of options out there for women these days.’
‘Yes, I suppose you’re right,’ said Helen.
‘Maybe when you get back?’
‘We’ll see,’ replied Helen. They talked for a while longer. It felt good to know that Helen would be by her side, and her mother. She knew just how much she would need the support of her whole family on this uncharted path.