She stayed on the bathroom floor for about forty-five minutes, feeling faint with panic and anxiety. Eventually coming to her senses, she stumbled back to her room and slammed the door. Her heart was pounding loudly in her ears. She felt as though all the blood had drained from her head to her feet, making her feel dizzy. She lay on her bed and took a deep breath. Her eyes filled with tears.
How could she have been so stupid? she thought. How on earth had she got herself into this mess? This was by far the worst situation she had ever found herself in. She knew she had messed up in the past, but this was far beyond anything that had happened before. A baby… This wasn’t something she could brush off, or run away from. This was real and growing inside her: an inescapable, unavoidable reality to face.
She suddenly felt feverishly hot. She flung the window open and gulped in some fresh air. Her head was spinning so fast she was struggling to make sense of her thoughts. She needed to get out of La Casetta. She needed to avoid seeing Luca, or anyone, until she had had some time to think. As luck would have it, her rota was free for the following two days. Making quick decisions, she stuffed some clothes into a bag, packed a few valuables and slipped out through the door. Giulia was in the bar talking to Maria. Hardly daring to breathe, Libby sneaked out of the hostel, closing the door behind her. Breathing a sigh of relief she walked quickly up the hill, her pulse racing, nervously checking over her shoulder to see if she had been spotted. She knew where she was aiming for; on the edge of the village there was a rickety car-hire shop that was open twenty-four hours a day. As the dusk settled she pounded the pavement, cutting through the back streets until she reached her destination. Without asking any questions, the elderly man behind the desk took a copy of her licence and showed her out to a small hire car. Thanking him, she flung her bag into the boot and turned on the ignition. She remembered how perilously steep the roads were and crossed her fingers that there wouldn’t be too much traffic around, given the time of day.
Putting her foot on the accelerator she set off, turning inland and away from the dangerous coastal roads at the first opportunity. She drove for a couple of hours, finally finding herself in a sleepy village with a small bed and breakfast. Parking outside she grabbed her bag and rang the bell. To her relief they had a room available. A middle-aged lady showed her upstairs. As soon as she left, Libby shut the door, grateful to have found refuge somewhere far away from prying eyes. The tears that she had been holding back spilt freely down her cheeks. She collapsed on to her bed and cried. She reached into her bag and found her phone, sending Luca a text to explain that she had gone to meet a friend from the UK who had suddenly called to tell her she was passing through on a cycling holiday. She told him she would be back either the following day or the day after. He seemed satisfied with her excuse. She lay back on the pillows once again, her mind spinning. She kept staring at her stomach, still as flat as a pancake, trying to imagine what was going on in there. Eventually she drifted off to sleep.
The next morning she woke up in confusion as she assessed her new surroundings. It took her several minutes to figure out where she was. All too quickly the memories of the day before came flooding back. The familiar tide of panic rose once more up her throat. She wanted nothing more than to run away from the situation, but this time she couldn’t. She was stuck. She had behaved irresponsibly one too many times and now here she was, with no choice but to face up to the fact that she was pregnant by her Italian lover, her summer romance. It had been a while since she had had any food, so she made herself go down and get some breakfast and a cup of coffee, even though the last thing she felt like doing was eating.
Back in her room, she sat and stared out of the window, looking down at the little garden, lost in her thoughts. She wasn’t sure whether her relationship with Luca was strong enough to cope with a bombshell like this. It was all very well being swept up in a bubble of new love when you knew you only had the summer together, but in her heart of hearts she didn’t think the relationship would survive when she moved back to London. Even with the best intentions, being physically separated from your partner was never easy. Luca would be working at the hostel, while Libby would be starting the most intense eighteen months of her life with her training contract. This brought another wave of utter panic crashing down over Libby. Her training contract… what would she do about that? She had worked so hard and for so long to finally, finally get her act together and sort her life out… she would have no choice but to tell her employers. She could hardly disguise a pregnancy, not to mention the fact that in less than nine months’ time she would have to leave to have the baby. She rocked back and forth on her chair, the tears spilling down her cheeks once again. This really was a disaster. She felt utterly helpless and completely trapped.
Pulling herself together, she knew she had to face some facts. She had no choice but to deal with this in the best way she could. She needed to make sure she was properly informed. She got out her phone and typed in the B & B’s Wi-Fi code. She opened her browser and navigated her way to the NHS webpage about pregnancy. When it downloaded, she read through the advice offered to her. She found out that she would need to contact her GP as soon as possible. The NHS’s due date calculator told her that she was five weeks pregnant, according to the date of the first day of her last period. She would need to see a midwife in about three weeks, in the same hospital in which she would have the baby. Her head spun. Her eyes were drawn to the section which said, ‘Pregnant and don’t know what to do.’ Taking a deep breath, she scrolled down and read the options available to her. She could have an abortion. That would be one way of getting herself out of this situation once and for all. She was sure she would be able to find somewhere to do it in Italy; she could probably even find somewhere that very same day if she drove into Naples. She could take a pill and be rid of the baby then and there. She knew that it was the right choice for some, but it had never been something she had felt she would be able to do. At the thought she felt a surge of protectiveness for the fledgling life growing inside her.
Besides, she knew of enough friends who had been trying to have a baby, only to suffer from miscarriage after miscarriage, to know that perhaps the pregnancy might not last anyway. The NHS page said that one in six pregnancies ended in miscarriage. So maybe this would all disappear naturally. Perhaps she should just sit tight and hope for the best? Maybe the problem would sort itself out.
She lay on her bed and felt tears running down her face once again. This was not her plan. If the baby didn’t miscarry she would be giving birth the following April. How was she meant to start her training contract pregnant? What would they say? What would her mum say? What would Luca say? What would Angus say? She dreaded to think. He already thought she was irresponsible enough; the thought of the look on his face when he found out made her stomach churn. Her mind whirled with a cyclone of tormented thoughts. She drew her knees up to her chest and shut her eyes, trying to calm herself down.
Later that day she went for a walk through the village and into the surrounding countryside. She was feeling pretty under the weather and she thought some fresh air might help her feel better. She couldn’t work out whether it was morning sickness or the fact she hadn’t slept a wink the night before. She suspected it was the latter. She felt sick at the thought of food but knew she had to eat, so she bought a panini and a bottle of water en route. She decided to call Jules. She couldn’t tell her mother, and her sister was the last person she wanted to talk to right now, but she just had to speak to someone before she went completely insane. She would have to make Jules swear not to tell Angus. She just couldn’t bear the thought of him knowing, how disappointed he would be.
‘Jules?’
‘Hi Libs, how’s tricks?’
‘I have serious news. I’m completely freaking out. I don’t know what to do…’ Libby burst into tears.
‘Woah, woah, woah. Tell me what’s happened. Are you OK?’
Libby wiped her eyes and tried to steady her breathing; it was coming out in great ragged gasps.
‘Take a deep breath, it’s OK, Libs. Whatever it is, it will be OK.’
Libby took another deep breath and breathed out a long and shaky exhale. In a barely audible whisper she said, ‘I’m pregnant.’
‘What? I couldn’t hear that…’
‘I’m pregnant.’
‘You’re pregnant?’ Jules’s voice had gone strangely high pitched.
‘Yes.’
‘What? How?’
‘I don’t bloody know,’ Libby wailed. ‘I realised I was a week late and so I did a test yesterday and it said I was—’
‘Have you done another one just in case?’
‘Yes, I did two.’
‘Is it Luca’s?’
‘Of course. Whose else’s would it be?’
‘Oh my god.’ She could hear how shocked Jules was. ‘This is massive.’
‘Tell me about it.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘I have absolutely no idea. My head is spinning. I didn’t sleep a wink last night.’
‘Are you going to keep it?’
‘I’m not sure I can face the alternative.’
‘I suppose it might not work out… naturally…’
‘I’m hoping that. But what if it does? What the hell will I do then? What do I do now?’
‘Have you told Luca?’
‘No. I needed time to think, so I pretended I was visiting a friend who was passing through the area. I hired a car and drove out to some random village. That’s where I am now. I can’t tell him; he will completely freak out. And I’m leaving in three weeks, so the timing couldn’t be worse. I’m starting my new job – what will they think if I turn up pregnant?!’
‘Don’t worry about any of that, Libby. It’s not ideal, I admit, but it’s their problem, not yours, if they don’t like it. You’ll have it covered by your contract and they’ll have to comply. The only thing you need to worry about right now is yourself. You need to concentrate on looking after yourself and you need to tell Luca.’
‘Do you think? Shouldn’t I just wait and see—?’
‘Libby, he’s going to know something is up. You can hardly hide a secret like that from your boyfriend… Anyway, it’s not fair on you that you should try and handle this by yourself. Just because you’re the woman doesn’t mean you need to deal with it alone. Tell him.’
‘You’re right, you’re right. I know I have to tell him. I just cannot even begin to imagine what his reaction will be.’
‘There’s only one way to find out. He has a right to know.’
‘I’m terrified!’ Libby rubbed her forehead with her hand. ‘This is the kind of thing you always hear about and think thank god it’s not happening to me. But it is happening to me. I am that girl. The girl who got pregnant out of wedlock, in a new relationship, in another bloody country…’
‘Libby, everything happens for a reason. You know that. If this is meant to be it will somehow work out. Maybe Luca will move to London; maybe you will end up getting married. Life doesn’t always have to happen in the order you would expect.’
‘God, I can’t even think that far ahead.’
‘Don’t. Just take each day as it comes, that’s all you can do. Look, Libs, I’m so sorry but I’ve got to go into a meeting…’
‘OK. But Jules, you have to swear to me one thing…’
‘Anything.’
‘Swear you won’t tell Angus.’
‘Really?’
‘I mean it, Jules. Promise me. This is just between you and me… I don’t want anyone else to know. What if it all disappears by itself anyway? There is no point upsetting anyone and I know how Angus will react—’
‘But—’
‘No buts, Jules, I mean it. Do you swear?’
‘OK, I swear, don’t worry…’
‘Promise?’
‘I promise… now I’ve really got to go…’
‘OK, don’t worry, off you go.’
‘You’ll be fine. Good luck. You are doing the right thing.’
‘Thanks.’
‘You know whatever happens you will have me by your side, no matter what, right?’
‘I know. Thank god for you. Even though you don’t even like babies.’
‘Angus bloody loves them; he will be at your beck and call. And I’ll love yours, of course. It won’t be just anyone’s baby.’ The thought that this pregnancy could end up with a real baby still made her head spin. It was one thing getting her head around the fact she was pregnant – the thought that there would be an actual child at the end of it was too much.
‘Thanks Jules. God, this is so surreal.’
‘I know.’
Jules went off to her meeting leaving Libby to work out how she was going to drop the bomb on Luca. She decided to stay a second night in the B & B before driving back to Positano in the morning. Luca was working on a new graphic design commission for a company called Prospero, and she knew he would be driving to Sorrento for a meeting. Maria had swapped a shift with him and would be working in the bar. Libby and Luca were supposed to be going out for dinner together tomorrow evening, so she would have the perfect opportunity to talk to him alone.
She forced herself to eat the sandwich and drink the water; her mouth felt peculiarly dry and she found it difficult to swallow. How could life change so dramatically in an instant? One moment you were cruising along, everything working out beautifully, as happy as could be, and the next you had stepped off a precipice without realising and found yourself on a completely different plain, in a parallel reality. She stared blankly ahead of her. Even the beauty of her surroundings couldn’t lift her spirits. She felt utterly numb and confused.
The following day back at La Casetta passed in a blur. Nervous butterflies jangled in her stomach, making her feel nauseous. Before she knew it Luca was there, kissing her on the lips and saying ‘Buonasera, bellissima,’ as he hugged her. Taking her hand he led her out of the hostel and they began to walk into town.
‘Can we go to the beach to watch the sunset before dinner?’ asked Libby. She wanted to get him by herself, away from prying ears, to tell him her news.
‘Of course we can,’ said Luca. She was trying to act as normal as possible, but even so she was amazed he couldn’t see the secret emblazoned across her face.
‘How was the meeting?’ she asked.
‘It went pretty well, thanks. They are offering me a big commission which would start in the autumn, working on their new website, and on all of the graphics for a new business they are launching next year.’
‘That could be perfect for when the high season finishes,’ said Libby, already wondering how transportable his freelance work might be.
‘Yes, it might work out rather well. It’ll be a lot of work, though, combined with my shifts at La Casetta. The good thing is that it’ll keep me busy when I am missing you…’ The fact that in less than three weeks Libby and Luca would be separated, in different countries, was the elephant in the room that neither of them had wanted to think about. They had both known it was approaching rapidly, despite their best efforts to pretend it wasn’t.
They walked along the beach and found a suitable spot to sit. Libby looked out at the golden sea and watched as the waves rolled in. The relentless ebb and flow of the tide comforted her; there was something peaceful and reassuring about it. No matter what happened, life always went on.
‘So how was your friend? It was very mysterious of you, disappearing off like that for a couple of days. I thought maybe you were disappearing with a lover!’ he chuckled. ‘What have you been up to, eh?’ he asked.
She took a deep breath and turned to face him. ‘Luca, there’s something I have to tell you.’ Her heart wrenched as she saw the immediate concern shadow his beautiful face.
‘OK,’ he said, looking quizzically at her.
She bit her lip, unsure how to say it. In the end she just blurted it out. ‘I’m pregnant.’
‘Pregnant?’
‘Yes.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’ve done two tests. I’m sure.’
Luca let out a slow whistle. ‘You are pregnant?’ he asked again.
‘Yes,’ she repeated softly. ‘I found out the day before yesterday.’
‘Dio mio,’ he whispered. She could tell his head was reeling in the same way that hers had been, and still was.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ she said. ‘I didn’t know how to tell you.’
‘How did you know?’
‘My period was a week late, I suddenly realised. I went to Amalfi to buy tests in case anyone saw me and I did them after work… I was too shocked to talk to anyone. I didn’t know what to do. I made up the excuse of seeing my friend but really I just had to get away from here to have some time to think.’
‘What do you want to do?’
‘I want to keep the baby,’ she said, watching him to see his reaction. He nodded slowly. ‘Would you want me to get rid of it?’ she asked.
He paused then shook his head. ‘I’m Catholic, Libby. I am opposed to abortion. Any child is a gift from God. Plus my family would never forgive me.’
She was relieved that he felt the same way.
‘This changes everything,’ he said. She could tell he was in a deep state of shock. She felt responsible somehow, and kept telling herself it wasn’t her fault. ‘How did this happen?’ he asked. ‘We were careful…’
‘I don’t know. I keep asking myself the same question. We used condoms, every time we’ve had sex we’ve used one – the only explanation is that one must have broken or come off without us realising. I feel so irresponsible.’
Luca nodded. ‘What will you do about going home?’ he asked.
‘I can’t change my plans,’ Libby said. ‘I need the money, for starters, and will need the money more than ever if the baby arrives. I can’t throw away all my training, all that hard work, and give up my ambitions when this might not even work out.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘One in six pregnancies miscarry.’
‘Really? That’s a lot.’
‘Exactly. So we have to accept that might happen. Which I am sure would be a relief to us both.’
‘But if not, then what?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘I can’t leave my job, my flat, my family… I can’t just give everything up, my whole life—’
‘I know. I wouldn’t ask you to.’
‘Oh my god, this is impossible,’ Luca rested his head on his hands and sighed.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered, rubbing his shoulders.
‘I’m sorry too, Libby,’ he said. ‘This is a lot for you too.’
They sat side by side and talked through their options, all appetite lost. They decided to wait and see what happened in the next three weeks. Libby would go back to London as planned, and they would let nature take its course. If the pregnancy got as far as twelve weeks when the rate of miscarriage dropped considerably, then they would reconsider.
‘So you want to continue being with me?’ asked Libby. ‘Despite all of this?’
‘Libby, I adore you. I am not going to abandon you because you are pregnant – who do you take me for?’
Libby’s eyes filled with tears as she realised that she had been anticipating exactly that outcome. ‘I think I am falling in love with you,’ he said softly, taking her hand.
‘Oh Luca, I think I am falling in love with you too.’ She smiled through her tears and he took her face in his hands and kissed her. Even as she said the words, she couldn’t help but wonder whether it would be enough. It was still so early in their relationship. She knew she had a responsibility towards her unborn child to make a life for them both. She couldn’t rely on Luca to make it all OK; she needed to take responsibility herself, to make sure they would be provided for, that they would have everything they needed without being dependent on someone else.
‘We will figure this out,’ he said. ‘I have no idea how, but we will figure this out somehow.’
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘Thank you for being so supportive.’
Eventually they made their way home, grabbing a pizza margarita to share back at Luca’s flat. Libby was grateful to discover that Nicola was out, so they had the flat to themselves. They decided to keep the pregnancy a secret. There was no point in opening that particular can of worms, in fuelling the local gossip, until they knew that the pregnancy would last.
Libby carried on working, Luca carried on running the bar. He was incredibly sweet with her, checking on her frequently, giving her secret smiles and compassionate winks if she looked as if she was struggling. Her morning sickness kicked in during her last week in the form of tiredness. Thankfully there was no sign of nausea or vomiting as yet, so she was able to put on a brave face and hide her symptoms well from Floriana, Tonio and the rest of the team at La Casetta.
On her last night, Tonio cooked a huge meal for her, taking over the terrace with an open invitation to all the friends she had made in her three months in Positano to come and share the feast. Luca and his family were there, Luca firmly by her side. He barely let her out of his sight, unable to bear the thought of her leaving the next day. It was horrible knowing that they were about to be parted. Leaving Positano would have been hard enough, without having to leave her new boyfriend too. She never could have imagined that she would have met someone as wonderful as Luca. God, what a lot had happened in the past few months.
That night as they lay in bed, making love and wiping away each other’s tears, they promised that they would make the long-distance relationship work, that they would speak every day and that they would visit each other for the weekend whenever possible. ‘I love you, Libby.’ Luca kissed her for the hundredth time. ‘I am so glad you came into my life. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like being here without you. Everywhere I go I will be reminded of you.’
‘I love you too,’ Libby said. She held him close and dared to hope that everything would somehow work out for them. She had never really considered continuing their relationship once she returned to London, but now the thought of leaving and breaking up with him was impossible. She tried to imagine him fitting in with her life back in the UK. It was so hard to even picture him there. He would be so out of context; he seemed so inextricably linked with the sun and sea, with Positano. The thought of him leaving this life was impossible to imagine, but she knew she couldn’t leave everything she had worked so hard to achieve back home. A suspicion of doubt pulsed through her – how could this work? They were bound to each other for a lifetime but, without the baby, would that ever have been the case? Libby tried to force these negative thoughts from her mind.
‘We are lucky that we have FaceTime, cheap flights and WhatsApp, you know,’ Luca told her. ‘In the olden days we would just have had to write each other letters.’
‘Exactly, long distance is much easier now. We just have to make it work.’
‘So what’s the next step for you in terms of the baby?’ Luca asked.
‘My GP is booked for the day after I get back, then I’ll have to go and see a midwife fairly shortly after that. I’ll let you know when they schedule me in for my twelve-week scan. It would be great if you can be there for that. Work will have to let me off; I’ll probably say I’ve just got a medical appointment and leave it at that. Oh my god, I dread to think how I will tell them.’
‘Don’t worry about that yet. So, the twelve-week scan: that will be in about six weeks’ time, you think?’
‘Yes, I think so.’
‘OK well, I will do my best to be there.’
‘Thank you.’
‘I’ll be longing to see you by then anyway.’
‘Me too.’
They fell asleep in each other’s arms. The next morning Luca drove Libby to the airport after tearful goodbyes to Floriana and Tonio, Maria and Andrea. She had said her farewells to everyone else the night before. Tearing herself away from Luca, whose eyes were shining with tears, she took herself through security, turning to wave one last time. He was so handsome in his white shirt and chinos, her heart dropped somewhere near her boots as she left him behind her and walked away. It felt so strange to be leaving. As she sat on the flight back to London, she let the memories of her time in Italy wash over her, one by one.