Kate
My shift finished and I stood in the staff toilets staring at my reflection in the mirror, moving my head around to see if there were any angles of my face that were in any way ‘pretty’. There weren’t, and I thought back to what Jonathan had said earlier. He had a way with words that made me feel important, I had to give him that. With only a handful of them, he’d been able to make me momentarily forget about the hurt and pain that I’d been subjected to over the years and no one before had been able to do that. No one had ever managed to make me feel like that, but I couldn’t help thinking that if I really was beautiful inside and out, then why on a Friday night in the city that apparently didn’t sleep, was I facing a night on my own again? Why was it that still after all these years I was unloved? Why hadn’t anyone wanted to stick around when I needed them most?
I left the bar, hurrying through the almost deserted lobby towards the exit, when I heard a low voice behind me and I recognized it instantly, as there was no way I could mistake his deep velvet-like tones, even though it had only been a number of hours since I’d first heard them.
“Allow me to walk you home.”
I turned to look at him. Jonathan was standing against a pillar with his phone in his hand. He slid it into his jacket pocket effortlessly and closed the space between us.
“You waited for me?” I asked, my voice coming out more breathy and grateful than intended.
He smiled.
“Why don’t we just call it good timing?”
I nodded and he rested a hand on my elbow, steering me away from the revolving doors.
“I was just on my way…”
“Home?” he finished, making it sound utterly ridiculous that a young woman would refuse his company to go and sit in front of the TV alone with a coffee and thick pajamas.
“Well, yeah…”
“How about that drink now, then?” he asked, stepping closer to me so he stood by my side. He used a hand to push my hair back over my shoulder, and I could feel his breath on the side of my face and neck. It was a simple action that made my breath waver slightly. Damnit. Why did I have to be so pathetic?
“Drink?” I whispered, all attempts at acting nonchalant faltering when I looked at him.
“I’d say you owe me a drink, wouldn’t you?”
I licked my lips as he leaned closer, suddenly realizing just how much I wanted him. I wanted to tell him to skip the drink and let’s move forward. I turned to face him, looking into his eyes and trying to focus despite the closeness. I stepped backwards slightly, feeling my cheeks flush. If only he knew what I was thinking. If only he knew how long it had been since a man had even touched me. Slowly he closed the gap again by putting an arm around my waist and testing to see my reaction. Would I push him away? Or would I accept? He seemed to know me better than I knew myself.
“Not here,” I said, barely able to form the words I needed to move our little ‘thing’ away from the lobby and somewhere else that my bosses wouldn’t see. If I lost the job, everything would fall apart.
His arms dropped from my waist instantly and he stepped back as though nothing had happened between us, but my body knew it had because it tingled where his fingers had been.
“Let’s have that drink somewhere a little more private shall we?” he offered.
I hesitated, scanning the lobby again. My body screamed to go up with him. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more other than his hands on my skin, but I couldn’t. Going elsewhere with him was dangerous because I was afraid that after whatever was supposed to happen in private, I wouldn’t be able to pull myself away from him. I always fell too hard and too easily and men like Jonathan weren’t there to fall in love with. He was there as a stark reminder of what I could never have long term. One night, maybe two and then that would be it. We’d probably never see each other again and I had to know whether at the end of the night, was that something I could cope with?
I didn’t know my gaze had dropped to the shiny tiled floor until he lifted my chin with his fingers.
“I’m not here to make you feel uncomfortable, Kate,” he said quietly. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
He reached out for my hand and I instantly threw caution to the wind and placed mine in his. He gripped it firmly and I followed him, suddenly understanding where his confidence came from. He had the charm and the words that made women melt, and I knew as I allowed myself to be led by him that I was at risk of letting my guard down and opening myself up to being hurt all over again, but there was something about him that pulled me in and didn’t let go. How was it possible that someone who I would have previously stayed well away from suddenly had me hooked on him like a drug after only a brief meeting?
We rushed through the doors towards the elevators, and even though I knew every part of the hotel from my two years working there it didn’t stop me looking at it with new eyes as we hurried along through the hallways, trying to keep me out of sight from anyone that wasn’t supposed to see me.
He pressed the button and I watched the numbers count down as he came back to stand by my side.
“Where are we going?” I asked, though I already knew. There was no mistaking that he was taking me up to his room, and when the large silver doors opened we moved aside for another couple to walk out before we went in. He pressed the top floor and then we were in motion. Instantly his arms snaked around my waist.
I held my breath, hoping—praying—that he wouldn’t suddenly realize how far away I was from a size zero and say a cutting remark about his realization.
He pushed me up against the back wall, spreading my thighs with his knee.
“Jonathan…” I heard myself say, aware that the elevator was well stocked with a manned camera, but it came out like a moan as I felt his hands creep up my leg and under my skirt then pull down the waist of my stockings.
My skin ignited under his touch. A sensation that I’d never experienced in my life and I wanted more.
His fingers found the heat between my legs and I dug my fingers into his skin, throwing my head back against the mirror as far as it would go. He pressed his lips against my neck and worked his way up to my mine, kissing me hungrily as I moaned against his mouth.
He slid two fingers into the depth of my wetness, pressing and pushing my clit with his palm, rendering me crazy. Has this awakening been what my body had craved all this time?
The elevator stopped suddenly and the doors swung open. I pulled away from his kiss startled, lips swollen and pink, but the hallway was empty. They closed again and our journey continued to the top.
He removed his hand, leaving me panting as he looked into my eyes, studying me without speaking. I saw the lust in them and the anticipation of sex as I reached my hand down with a surprising burst of confidence and pressed it against the bulge of his erection through his pants.
He closed his eyes briefly and I heard a deep moan as the doors opened again, only this time he took my hand and guided me out.
We walked along the corridor, my legs barely able to carry me and my heart pounding because usually I had more resistance than this. I wasn’t so easily coerced into things, but Jonathan was irresistible. Even to someone as cynical as myself, I’d never met a man like him. He had the eyes, the lips, and the charisma that kept you hooked. I wanted him to want me. I enjoyed the confidence boost that having him devour my body with his eyes gave me.
We reached his door and he turned to look at me, green eyes serious again, before opening the door with his key card.
The room filled with light, and as I looked around I realized that we’d come up to the executive suite.
“All this for just an overnight stay?” I asked, as he left my side and went over to the mini bar.
He nodded and looked up at me, an effortlessly handsome smile across his face.
“A man has needs, Kate.”
I blushed at his words, unsure if we were still talking about the room, as he came back by my side handing me a glass of champagne.
“Shall we toast?” he asked.
I followed him to the sofas and we sat down facing each other.
“To what?”
“Let’s toast to new friends and no love.”
I clinked my glass with his, a smile breaking out across my face.
“To new friends and no love.”
We both took a sip and I drank more than intended, much to his amusement, but I needed to take the edge off the nerves that had formed at the pit of my stomach. Nerves that I couldn’t quite shake because I was almost certain that women would have given their right arm to be in my position. Women who graced the covers of glossy magazines worldwide with long, thick flowing hair and a perfectly chiseled waist. Being in Jonathon’s suite wasn’t what women like me would have ever dreamt of and the more I thought about it, the more I felt sick. As much as I wanted to enjoy an evening with a handsome man, would I really be able to let him go the next morning when the lust in his eyes had gone and he realizes who he had sex with? Was I really ready to watch all the walls that I’d carefully built up to protect myself, come crashing down?
He took the glass out of my hand and set it down on the table with his.
“From the minute I left the bar, I couldn’t stop thinking about you…” he said seriously, his eyes fixated on mine.
“Why is that?” I asked, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer. I wanted to scream at him not to fall for me and not to make this complicated. I wanted no drama and no attachment. I couldn’t do it anymore; I couldn’t be something to someone because I didn’t know how. I’d never been that person, so how could I know how to love if no one had ever loved me?
He moved closer towards me, his hands creeping up the front of my blouse, over my skin, and up the side of my neck.
“Because I’ve never met anyone like you in my entire life. You ignited something in me Kate.”
“But, I’m…”
“No buts,” he said, his thumb brushing over my lips. “I just want you to understand the power you had over me tonight. The pull I can feel from you. Something that told me not to walk away.”
He touched his lips to the skin just under my ears, sending an intense tingle over my body and down between my legs. I parted my lips, sighing, and his mouth travelled down over my collarbone as his fingers expertly undid my buttons, almost ripping them apart. He stopped momentarily.
“Tell me to stop,” he whispered gruffly.
“I can’t. I don’t want you to…”
My breasts bounced free in his face as I said it and he groaned, looking up into my eyes.
“Oh God, Kate.”
He took one of my nipples into his mouth sending shockwaves over my body as I tangled my fingers into his hair and rested back against the chair, watching him climb onto me without breaking his grip. I arched my back against him, feeling the excitement and anticipation of sex building up within me. I couldn’t remember the last time a man had made me feel like that and although that wasn’t meant to be a good thing, a compliment, I knew I was on dangerous ground.
He pulled away and lifted his head to look up at me before pushing himself off, sitting upright again.
“What…?”
I propped myself up, feeling the passion that I’d been so engrossed in ripped away.
He took another sip from his champagne and stood up.
“Let’s go to the bed,” he said, reaching his hand out to me. I took it and pulled myself up, suddenly feeling self-conscious as we walked away from the sofas with my blouse wide open.
He paused at the large window overlooking the skyline in the near distance, deep in thought, and then he turned to me, a smile dissolving the forlorn look that he’d had.
He walked over and pushed me backwards onto the bed gently before he climbed on top of me.
His lips found mine and our kiss turned urgent almost instantly. My hands untucked his shirt and pulled it up from his trousers. He eased off me slightly to undo his belt and slide it out, throwing it onto the floor beside us. It clattered into something, but neither of us cared to look.
I opened my legs so his body settled between them, and I felt his growing erection pressed against my hip in a rhythm that made him break our kiss and groan deeply.
He pressed my hands out at either side of me and kissed a trail down my body, stopping to lick and suck each breast.
I sucked my stomach in as his lips caressed the skin there, worried about what was going through his mind, but he stopped and looked up at me, the same eyes that had managed to captivate me staring seriously.
“Don’t do that,” he said, bringing himself up by my side.
“Do what?”
“Don’t react like that when I touch you. I don’t want you to feel that your body is in any way unattractive to me.”
I blushed under his gaze and fought the urge to suck everything in when his hand travelled over my stomach.
“I just thought…”
He interrupted me by placing two fingers across my lips.
“Don’t judge me on what you’ve read or who you’ve seen me with. I know what I like. You’re beautiful Kate,” he said, keeping his voice low. “Every part of you. Even the bits you think are flaws…”
I felt the thickness of emotion in the back of my throat and I sat up, my rationale suddenly kicking into play. They were the nicest things that anyone in my whole entire life had ever said to me, yet instead of empowering me, they made me feel more alone than I thought was possible in such a big City.
Jonathan sat up beside me and thumbed the skin under my ear softly, reaching forward to kiss my neck.
I closed my eyes, feeling the tingle spread from the sensitive skin below his lips and right through my body as I almost lost myself in him and the moment again.
“I should go,” I managed to say, clawing myself back to reality. As much as I wanted him and wanted to feel what it was like to have him inside me, I had to leave. I couldn’t stay because I knew I couldn’t be what he needed and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle yet another dent to my feelings.
“Stay,” he said, running a hand down my back as my fingers fumbled clumsily with the buttons on my blouse. I cursed under my breath when I realized they were done up wrong.
“I can’t stay,” I said turning to him. He watched me intently, standing when I got up. “I can’t be what you want, Jonathan. I’m sorry.”
“How do you know what I want?”
He followed me to the mirror and waited patiently by my side as I tried to fix my now beyond control hair before I ventured out to the main hall.
“I know because look at you. Look at this place and then look at me. You don’t know what I’ve been through.”
“So tell me,” he said pressing his lips against the back of my neck. “Tell me why your inner conflict won’t let you feel like the woman you deserve to be.”
I sighed, walking to the door and opening it. Honestly, I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to open up about all the hurt that I’d suffered throughout my life and how even the slightest indication that he cared made me scared beyond my wildest dreams because I didn’t know how to let anyone in. Either way I looked at it, he’d never want to see me again. If I left now, the little spark we had would end and if I stayed and told him everything, he’d make me leave. It was just better if I saved us both the heartache. It was better to just walk away. He’d have a queue of women waiting to be his next one-night-stand. It didn’t have to be me.
“Thank you for everything,” I whispered, as he left the comfort of his room and followed me down the hall with his phone pressed to his ear in one hand and the other trying to tuck his shirt back in.
“James? Hello, it’s Jonathan. Can you have my car ready outside as soon as possible? Yes. Yes, thank you. See you shortly.”
He put it back into his pocket and pressed the button on the elevator, watching me as we waited for it to climb all the way to the top. I guessed the car was for me and I felt a mixture of excitement, nerves, and regret as we looked at each other.
“Don’t be afraid of what’s inside,” he said, resting a hand on the small of my back. “Whatever happened, whatever you’ve been through and whatever you’re dealing with makes you, it doesn’t define you.”
“I’ve been hurt too many times, Jonathan.”
“Yes, by men who don’t know your worth…”
“By everyone. Everyone’s let me down.”
“I haven’t.”
The chime sounded and the doors to the elevator opened beside him. I stood looking at him for a moment, soaking in what he’d just said and letting it settle in my mind.
He reached over and held the doors open for me to walk inside and then he followed before they closed behind us.
I looked at the numbered lights counting down, and as I processed the evening I had the sinking feeling inside that I was doing the wrong thing. Would I live to regret this moment? Walking away and leaving him? I almost felt certain inside that it would most probably be the last time we ever saw each other.
I turned to him, surprised to see he was already looking at me, and it was almost a natural progression that he closed the gap between us and slid his hands over my shoulder and around to the back of my neck, bringing his lips together with mine, pushing up me against the wall. I felt the length of his body pressed against me, and I ran my hand down over his backside keeping him close and then around until I had hold of his manhood through his thick expensive suit pants.
“I hope you don’t think I’m letting go of you so easily.” He groaned, pulling away from me.
“You don’t want me,” I said, keeping my eyes low and looking at his lips. “I’m complicated.”
“I love complicated,” he breathed against my cheek. “I guess it’s the right time to tell you that I adore a challenge…”
I felt the tingle run up over my stomach as his erection twitched against my palm, straining the fabric that held it, and I had a sudden urge to feel him inside me. I still wanted him—that much hadn’t changed—but the rest? I couldn’t be with him. I wasn’t ready to offer myself up when I still had demons to deal with. Of course, I knew that he probably wasn’t after anything more than a sensual night with me, but I couldn’t quite understand how the intense connection we shared with each other would be there one moment and then tomorrow be gone. Surely lust like that eventually turned into feelings?
I pulled at the clasp on his trousers trying to open him up to me, and he moved his lips to the side of my face where the heat of his breath against my skin only fueled the passion I felt inside.
“Do you see what you do to me?” he asked, his voice thick with lust as I massaged his throbbing member through the fabric of his underpants. He shuddered against me, his deep moans taking me to another level and beyond, and as quickly as it all started, the doors opened and he stepped backwards, my hands hanging in midair as he zipped up his pants.
We walked out, ignoring the perplexed looks of three women waiting to get in, and hurried out across the lobby and through the revolving doors and into the warm night where his large, sleek, black car was parked waiting.
“For me?” I breathed, looking at him.
He nodded.
“You have my business card, Kate. Use it. I’m going to be in Hong Kong for a week but I want to see you when I return.”
“Jonathan…”
He put a finger to my lips, his eyes serious again.
“Don’t say it. I get it. You’re complicated and sworn off men, but you haven’t met me properly yet.”
“I just can’t…”
He kissed the side of my mouth, lingering there momentarily before opening the car door and helping me inside.
“James will take you anywhere you want to go,” he said.
“Thank you for tonight, thank you for everything…” I began but he stopped me.
“Don’t thank me Kate. I should be thanking you. Thank you for changing my perspective. Thank you for being real.”
He closed the door and made a signal to the driver who looked back at me.
“Where to, Miss?” he asked.
I gave him my address and we pulled away from the entrance of the hotel slowly. I looked back out the window and watched as we drove further and further away from Jonathan who stood watching us. I wasn’t sure what it was that I felt, but I knew I was still treading on dangerous ground. Someone was going to get hurt and I was almost certain that person was going to be me.