Chapter Fourteen
The rain pounded on the hood of the car. In the dark of night, through the waves of water on the windshield, the red glow of the traffic light above shone like a beacon. On the radio, an old Eagles song played softly and Maggie took a deep breath, trying to shake off her nervousness. She had a bad feeling and couldn’t shake it off. She hadn’t wanted to drive in the rain at night in an unfamiliar place, but he’d insisted they’d be fine, as he always did.
Sensing her unease, his fingers slid under her hair, around the nape of her neck, and pulled her in for a kiss. She melted into it, as she always did.
“I love you,” she said.
Zack smiled back, that crooked, sweet smile of his. He leaned his forehead against hers, gazed into her eyes, and said, “Ah, Maggie Mae, I love you too.”
Bright light suddenly came up behind him, growing brighter as it got closer. As it bore down on them—
Maggie bolted upright, screaming as she woke up, hands out in front of her.
“Hey, hey, whoa!” There were hands on her back, gripping her arm. “It’s okay, you’re okay. Maggie, look at me. Hey!”
Gasping for air, lungs heaving and heart racing, she blinked a few times and turned her head to see Colin beside her. His hair was mussed and his eyes wide with alarm, locked on her face. They were in bed. Vienna…. they were still in Vienna.
“You’re all right, love,” he said, watching her closely as she regained her bearings. “Nightmare?”
She nodded, still panting, tasting bile.
“Christ, must have been a really bad one.” Colin’s hands ran over her hair, her back. “Shhh, it’s over. You’re safe, you’re okay. Breathe, Maggie.”
Sweat trickled from her scalp, dripping down the sides of her face and the back of her neck. She fought to catch her breath.
“That’s it, just breathe.” Colin’s voice was steady as his hands ran up and down her arms. “I’ve got you, love. You’re all right. Breathe.”
Maggie stared ahead in a wild daze. The window showed it was still dark, it wasn’t morning yet.
She didn’t often dream about the accident itself anymore. Over the years, they’d lessened unless something specific triggered a memory. In Ireland, she’d dreamt of it again twice in a month. Tonight’s nightmare was the most devastating one in a very long time. She felt blown apart.
She’d perfectly recalled her last moments with Zack. Clear as day, every detail, right before the truck had hit them and killed her husband. It’d been visceral. Terrifying. She’d been right there, all over again.
She burst into tears. Hard, gasping sobs racked her body.
Colin pulled her into his arms, whispering words to soothe and calm her, not letting go. After a few minutes, she slumped against him, drained. He lay down and brought her with him, holding her close and tight.
It was only after the terror faded that it hit her. That she realized why she’d dreamed that, remembered that particular moment. It was the last time she’d heard a man tell her he loved her. Before Colin had last night.
After the accident, she’d struggled with memories. It’d been weeks before the last moments before the collision came back to her, and when they did, it’d been both absolutely devastating and a gift. A gift, because at least the last words they’d said to each other were “I love you.” She’d have that to hold onto for the rest of her life.
As the years passed, she didn’t think about falling in love again. She had no desire to meet someone new. She convinced herself love wasn’t in the cards for her, because she’d already had it. And now… when she least expected it, hadn’t asked for it… Colin loved her. When he’d said the words earlier, every muscle in her body had frozen. Because it panicked her, plain and simple.
She didn’t want him to love her, and she didn’t want to love him back. The feelings she’d been wrestling with felt like something deeper than like, and could be…
“Try to rest, Maggie,” Colin whispered against her temple. “I’ve got you.”
God, he was so sweet. He cared for her, and took good care of her. No one had taken care of her like this in so long, and it felt so good. Too good. She could get used to it. Get used to leaning on sweet, steady Colin and being with him. Caring for him in return. There were already cracks in her heart, and his light had seeped in…
Terrified. She was terrified. A shudder ran through the length of her.
“Shhhh.” He rubbed her back, kissed her forehead. “Everything’s all right.”
No, it wasn’t. Everything was far from all right. He loved her, and she cared too deeply for him. She was a traveler. That was what she did and who she was. A nomad. Colin McKinnon was roots, duty, solidity. Everything she wasn’t. He was wrong for her. She was wrong to have let him think to love her. She was leaving within a month’s time. Colin deserved someone who would stay, and she couldn’t stay.
Could she?
A whisper in her head said, You can’t travel forever. You always knew this deep down. What if you found someone worth staying still for? What if you gave loving someone new a chance? That’d be the ultimate adventure, wouldn’t it?
NO, another whisper roared. No, no, no. Stick with the plan. Keep moving…
Exhaustion won out and she slipped into sleep again.
*
Maggie had felt unsettled since waking up Tuesday morning. They’d flown back to Dublin and parted ways, agreeing to meet at the pub on Thursday evening. She’d walked the streets all Tuesday evening, into the night, until her legs burned and her mind was calmer. On Wednesday, she hunkered down in her flat, spending the entire day writing out all the posts for all she’d done and seen in Ireland. She had forty-three things. She could easily knock out seven more in a week.
She could be done with this job by October first, was the truth of it. Her flat was paid until the end of the month, but if she organized herself properly, she’d be done with the job well ahead of schedule. Free to leave whenever she wanted.
Half of her was already feeling that familiar itch, that being ready to explore something new and seek out whatever was next. But half of her didn’t want to leave. She really did like living in Dublin. It was such an amazing city. She didn’t want to leave her charming neighborhood, the pub, the people… Colin. That was at the heart of everything. She didn’t want to leave Colin. And that made her want to run away from him as fast as she could.
Just because he said he loved her didn’t mean he was planning a future with her. She was getting ahead of herself. She wanted to ask him a million questions, but the answers scared her. Slowly, bit by bit, she retreated into herself, preparing to leave.
*
From the moment they’d returned to Dublin, over the next two weeks, Colin felt Maggie pull away from him little by little. He didn’t know what to do about it. They made love into the wee hours… but it was different. When they’d met, he’d been the one with walls up. He’d lowered them… and now, she’d raised her own. He hated it. And yet, he understood it. In fact, it felt inevitable.
She didn’t want him to love her. That was clear.
She wanted him to venture out, find himself again, be happy. But she failed to grasp that all that had ignited because of her. Her effect on him had been profound from the start. She was bright light, music and color, fire and laughter. How could he not fall in love with her?
Maybe she’d only ever love Zack, and Colin… wasn’t him. Maybe he’d never be enough for her. Maybe no man would.
He hadn’t thought she was still pining for a ghost, but he’d been wrong before about so many things, he couldn’t discard the option that he’d been wrong about this too. She could separate sex from love, and had been doing that with Colin before he’d gone and made things serious. What else could he think?
Even when they lay in bed, and he felt what he thought was her affection, he could also feel the distance there. For once, it wasn’t a distance he’d created. She had.
But he was so in love with her, he took whatever she gave. After all, he’d had not much to offer when they met, had he? He’d given her whatever was left of him. She’d transformed that into something much more. She’d given him back a new sense of himself.
Apparently, it wasn’t mutual. All he’d given her was… remorse. He saw it in her eyes whenever something tender slipped out of his mouth. As if her dark eyes telegraphed, “I know you love me. I can’t love you back. I’m sorry.”
On a Friday night, he didn’t text her. She’d said she was having dinner with her friend Ciara, and that usually meant a late ladies’ night out. But he couldn’t bear being home alone. The walls closed in on him, the silence was deafening. Just like how it was when he’d first moved in… just like how it would be when Maggie was gone.
It hit him like a boot to the gut: in a way, she was already gone. She’d never really been his to begin with. She’d always had one foot out the door. He’d fallen for someone who would never be able to be his.
He stormed out of his flat and went to the pub. It was full, but he managed to nab an empty stool at the end of the bar. People jostled him, talked and laughed around him. He both welcomed the noise and hated it.
“Hey there!” George, one of the bartenders, appeared before him with a smile. They shook hands and Colin ordered a pint.
“Where’s your lady friend tonight?” George asked.
“Not here, apparently.” Colin glanced up at the flat-screen. “Some rugby and beer are what the doctor ordered tonight.”
“Yer in the right place, then, son.” George went to get his drink.
Colin thought about the people in his life. His kids would all be out with their friends tonight, having fun, carefree. Shannon would be home with her family. Same for his other siblings, his parents. Maggie was out with Ciara. Even Trish would likely be with her new man. And here he was, right where he’d started… alone.
George set a pint glass before him and studied him. “Ya all right?”
Colin nodded and sipped his beer. “I will be.”
A few weeks ago, Maggie had accused him of being like the dog in the cage who stared at the open door, afraid to go toward his own freedom. She’d been right.
He loved Maggie. He wanted her in his life. But he knew that wouldn’t happen. She was a free spirit in every way, he couldn’t tie her down. He wanted something more with her, something real and regular and… he scowled. That was what he wanted. Not her. She would always be free, needed to be. And he would never ask her to be anything other than herself.
He understood now. She loved meeting people, but wanted to connect quickly, on the surface, and then move on. Like a good fairy touching things with her magic wand, bringing them to life, then smiling indulgently and proceeding to the next thing.
He’d been brought back to life. What was he going to do with that?
Of course he wanted his life to include Maggie somehow. But he knew that wouldn’t happen. He loved her, but he had to start thinking about life beyond her… though that truly felt like a knife in his heart.
*
The first weekend of October brought the last weekend trip, to Galway. Maggie invited Colin along and he’d gone with her. They ate, drank, shopped, and made love that night in ways that felt urgent, almost desperate. In their bed in the tiny inn, in the dark, he held her close afterward, his large hand sweeping up and down her back.
Maggie felt the tension between them. It’d been there since returning from Vienna, and she knew it was mainly her fault. She’d pulled away from him emotionally, and he was too in tune with her now not to feel it. She had to protect herself, steel up her heart for when she left… but she already missed him. Their conversation still flowed, but with an unspoken undercurrent of tension. Their clock was ticking.
“When are you leaving?” he asked in the darkness.
She gave a little jolt. “What?”
“When are you leaving Ireland? Do you have a set date?” His hand didn’t cease its slow run up and down her back. His voice was low and resigned. “You must by now. It’s October. You said you’d be going to America next.”
“Yes,” she said, and the word felt heavy on her tongue. “I booked the ticket just yesterday. Flying to Washington D.C. on the twentieth.”
His body tensed as he absorbed that. She shut her eyes and swallowed a sigh.
“Were you going to tell me?” he finally asked in a low murmur.
“Of course. I just… wanted this last weekend trip to be nice.”
“I see.”
“I didn’t want to… I just… I wanted things to stay light. I was going to tell you on Monday.”
“I believe you.”
His hand stopped stroking, stilling at the small of her back. They lay together for a long beat, the tension so thick it smothered her. He wanted more from her, she could feel it. She couldn’t take it. She got out of bed and went to the bathroom.
Closing the door behind her, she leaned against the sink as her heart fluttered in her chest. Tears sprung to her eyes. She allowed a few to fall, then sniffed hard and willed them to stop. She had to get a hold of herself.
If she couldn’t make sense of her jumbled feelings, how could she expect him to?
She always prided herself on how open she was, living in the moment and letting herself feel things… she’d been in panic mode from the moment Colin told her he loved her. God, he’d been right. She lied to herself, and he deserved better.
She threw open the bathroom door, strode to the side of the bed, looked down at him, and said, “You always knew I was leaving.” She hurled the words at him.
He sat up to look back at her. “Of course.”
“Why… why did you…” She didn’t even know what she was trying to ask.
“Why did I fall in love with you anyway?” he asked. “Aye, bloody inconvenient, that. Didn’t do it knowingly, for what it’s worth.”
Damn him and his dry wit. She let out a watery hiccup. “I have to leave.”
“I know that,” he said quietly.
She stared at him, helpless and frustrated.
“If you’re waiting for me to ask you not to leave,” he finally said, “it’s not going to happen. So don’t worry about that.”
Blood drained from her face, making her feel woozy. Had she misread him? He didn’t want her to stay? She leaned against the bed. Her mind was going in circles now.
“Get back in bed,” he said. “It’s late. Let’s get some sleep.”
“I don’t know what you want from me,” she blurted out.
He gazed at her before saying, “It doesn’t matter.”
“How can you say that? Of course it matters.”
“Not really, when you don’t want the same thing.”
Something like a howl started forming in her chest. “How do you know I don’t want the same thing?” she cried.
“Because you’ve made it clear in many ways since we got back from Vienna.”
That hurt. Because he was right, and she knew it. “You don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want!”
“All right.”
“No, it’s not! You’ve got me all—I mean—” She growled in frustration and swept her hair back with both trembling hands. “I just know that you’re wonderful, and I have to leave, and you deserve better than that.”
His eyes stayed on hers for a moment. He swallowed, his throat working. “Maggie… I won’t find better than you. I wasn’t looking in the first place, and I certainly won’t be once you’re gone.”
She gaped at him, not knowing what to say to that. Finally she choked out, “I want you to be happy.”
“Well, with you, I’m happy. Happier than I’ve ever been in my life,” he revealed. “But you’re going to leave. I’m going to stay. We’re at an impasse, and that’s all there is to it, in the end. Life will go on. You know that.” He lay back down and turned his back to her. “I’m going to sleep, love. I’m exhausted.”
She stared at his back. He’d opened himself up, thrown his heart at her feet, then retreated again. She couldn’t blame him. The chaos swirling through her head and heart were draining her too.
After a minute, she slipped into bed, careful not to touch him. Then the inches between them pained her, an acute ache. She rolled to her side and spooned him the way he usually did to her, pressing her front to his back, sliding her arm around his waist. He was so warm and solid. She laid her cheek against his skin, soaking him in, cherishing him. Her heart pounded as she thought of him and what he’d said… her fingers found his and laced through, locking them.
He squeezed them back but didn’t say anything. They laid side by side, wide awake for a long time before sleep finally overtook them.