Chapter Four
Sweat dripping down the sides of his face, Colin slowed from a run to a walk as he adjusted the incline on the treadmill. After years of letting himself go, disgusted with his softening dad-bod, he’d joined a gym when he’d moved into Dublin. He’d done it to tone up, but hadn’t anticipated how the monotonous routine of walking and jogging on the treadmill would also make him feel better—not just physically, but mentally. He had to admit that he’d felt the changes over the months and liked them.
He liked to go in the mornings, before work. An hour or so in the gym, a quick shower, and he found he had more energy through the rest of the morning. His sons had rolled their eyes at him when he’d admitted that, as if he were daft. “Like no one’s ever said working out would do that for you!” Patrick had laughed. Colin grinned every time he thought of it.
When he got to work, settling in at his desk with a cup of black coffee and an egg sandwich, his phone dinged with a text message. Something in his chest hitched, hoping it was Maggie; when he saw it was, a feeling akin to warmth washed over him.
Hi Colin! Your favorite Yank here. Today I’m going to see the Book of Kells, then spend the rest of the day at Farmleigh House. You ever been to either?
He couldn’t help but smile. On Sunday, they’d spent the afternoon together at the National Botanic Gardens. The weather had been perfect, and her company even more so, though he was still mostly reserved around her. On Monday, he’d gone to work and hadn’t heard from her. For a while, he’d wondered if that meant she hadn’t enjoyed her time with him, then chided himself for acting like an insecure teenager. They’d spent most of the weekend together, but they weren’t anything to each other, she didn’t owe him anything… he was being absurd. She had a job to do and they had separate lives. He shoved the thoughts of Maggie Spencer out of his mind.
But later that night, last night, she’d walked into the pub and his heart gave a little kick at the sight of her. He’d watched her big brown eyes sweep across the room, searching. When they’d landed on him, the genuine smile that lit her face made his chest puff up. She’d gone straight to his booth and said, “Hey, new friend. Long time no see. Can I buy you a drink?”
They spent almost two hours together, talking and laughing before calling it a night. At the door of the pub, she’d gone up on her tiptoes to give him a quick peck on the cheek when saying good night, surprising him. One hand on his shoulder to keep her balance, he felt her warmth through his clothes. Her lips were soft and warm against his skin, and he caught a whiff of her scent, clean and sweetly feminine. He walked the four blocks home in the cool darkness smiling like a smitten fool.
It embarrassed him.
He liked her more than he was comfortable admitting. In less than a week, she’d gotten under his skin and made him do something he hadn’t been able to do in a long, long time… feel something. She was sunshine and light, energy and warmth. Whip smart and funny, savvy and confident, she fascinated him. The more they got to know each other, the more he found to like and admire.
And was he attracted to her? God help him, hell yes. She was beautiful, sexy, and had fired his long-dead libido back to life. Whenever her fingers brushed his, even for a few accidental seconds, it sent a jolt straight up his arm. At the Gardens, they’d gotten ice cream, and when she licked the chocolate—or even worse, her lips—it sent a zing of electricity straight to his groin.
Yes, she’d said she found him attractive. Perhaps there was a simmering, slowly building chemistry between them, like he hadn’t felt with a woman in years… maybe ever. Nothing electric like this had gripped him since his earliest days with Trish. But he would never act on it. She’d said flat out she felt safe with him; he wouldn’t jeopardize that, no matter how tempting she was. Colin always did what was right. What was expected of him, what was honorable. That was who he was and all he knew.
So on the treadmill that morning, as he’d thought of her, he’d decided it was best to somehow keep himself at a distance, even if only emotionally. Going on jaunts with her was too much fun and he didn’t want to stop. He could barely resist her. That feeling made him feel way off kilter, and he didn’t like it… but he liked her more.
Now, his lips pursed as he stared at the phone in his hands. Finally he wrote back, Yes to both. You’re still doing Dublin’s Greatest Hits, I see.
Have to hit the known ones and give my own take on them, she wrote back immediately. My voice & views are what they’re paying me for. Soon, I’ll see the newer, different, not as well-known places. Got to have balance.
I get that. Have a nice time.
So you won’t play hooky with me?
He was tempted. God knew he had plenty of personal time he could use. But the way her words set off rockets inside him just reinforced his instinct to maintain some distance. Not today, sorry. Busy at work, then dinner with my daughter tonight.
Okay. Just thought I’d ask.
Nice of you, thanks.
Sure, she wrote back. Tomorrow I’m going to a few more of the Hits, as you say. A few more hours on Grafton Street, St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Not your thing, I’d bet.
Not grabbing me, no. But thank you.
Okay. On Friday I’m going to check out the National Museum of Ireland, Archaeology. That night, I’m going to check out a pub in Temple Bar that was recommended to me. Supposedly has great billiard tables in the back, along with live music. Sounds like fun. Any interest in joining me for either of those?
Colin drew a long breath. He loved that museum. He’d been many times and it never failed to ignite his interest.
After that, Maggie texted, I’ll be away for the weekend. I leave Saturday morning.
He wondered where she was going, since she didn’t offer. Also, it occurred to him that if he kept saying no to her, she might stop asking him along. It bothered him to admit how much he didn’t want her to stop asking. Before he could change his mind, he wrote, Truth is, that museum is one of my favorites. I’d skip work to join you for that. Haven’t been in a while.
Great! Her instant answer was like her: no pretense, no games. Just candidness and sincerity. Why don’t you meet me at the main entrance at eleven? Gives me time to get breakfast and get some writing in beforehand.
Sounds good, he wrote. Thanks for asking.
My pleasure. See you! Have fun at work. ;)
He snorted at her closing quip. Have fun at work. His job was so boring. It was honest work, and necessary to others, but dull as all hell. Yes, he was now head of the department. Maggie had been impressed by that, or so she said. But he’d earned his position not only because he was smart and capable, but also because he’d been there the longest.
Thinking back on how desperate he’d been as a young uni graduate, realizing he’d have to get a solid job now that he was getting married and a baby on the way… it still gave him a lick of anxiety. The urgency, the dread, had nearly choked him during those first few weeks. His travel plans ditched, he’d gone round the departments of his alma mater, looking for any work that would start immediately. Luckily he’d been well liked by all his professors, and they spoke for him when he applied to an open position in the Finance Department. It was entry level, with every benefit a person could ask for. Though he’d graduated summa cum laude with a major in marketing and minor in sociology, he took the job. He’d intended to only stay for a year, two at most, then look for something more suited to his background, to his dreams…
And here he was, almost twenty years later, head of a department he’d risen through but never had interest in. He did his job well, of course; his deeply ingrained work ethic refused to allow him to do any less. But its monotony had deadened him slowly over time.
It wasn’t supposed to be how he’d spend his life. But life was funny that way.
Sipping his coffee, Colin realized how some random things Maggie had said over the past few days had taken hold in him. Like tiny seeds that haphazardly blew in the wind, they’d sunk into the fertile ground of his mind, then started to grow and bloom.
One day, much sooner than later, you’ll be free to go somewhere else if you wanted. Have you thought of that?
He’d never dared allow himself to think of that. But once Maggie had said it, it hadn’t left his head since.
Or, at the Gardens, when she’d looked up at him from beneath those long, thick lashes and said, “If you could go anywhere, where would you go?”
He hadn’t answered right away. Then he’d hedged, “Too many places to list.”
“Pick one right now,” she’d said. “Just one.”
He answered without hesitation. “Vienna.” It had always called to him, a siren’s song. The architecture, the history, the rich culture…
“Ahhh. It’s amazing there. I’ve been twice. You would love it.” She touched his arm and said softly, “You should go. As soon as possible. Even if just for a few days.”
“I couldn’t possibly,” he immediately scoffed, stiffening.
“Why not?”
“I have obligations. My job, my kids.”
“All of which wouldn’t fall apart if you left town for a few days. Right?”
He shifted uncomfortably, looking away from her.
“You should go,” she repeated. Her voice was filled with intent, warmth, and a bit of a push. “Life is short, Colin. You seem to have enough regrets as it is. You should go. Just do it.” Then she’d started to sing as she walked ahead of him, “Vienna waaaits for yooou…”
Thinking of it now, he swallowed hard and scrubbed his hands over his face. He didn’t know why Maggie Spencer had blown into his life, but she’d insinuated herself into his head, dug in deep. She was never far from his thoughts. That alone threw him, much less some of her observations about him, things she said that he knew were dead on the mark even though he didn’t want to admit it.
She saw him clearly. Nobody had in so long. No one had bothered to look.
*
Maggie didn’t head to Reardon’s on Wednesday evening, opting to stay in her flat and catch up on work. She needed to start sorting all her notes into what would be the beginning of coherent passages before it got away from her. Plus, it was raining. A night in with some Chinese takeaway, work to do, and quiet would be good for her. She hadn’t stopped moving for several days now and needed a breather.
Ah, who was she kidding? She knew Colin wouldn’t be at the pub tonight, but out to dinner with his daughter, and Reardon’s wouldn’t be the same without him there. She’d already grown accustomed to seeing him in his back booth, scribbling away… and even though he kept his posture stiff and his features stoically in check, the way his incredibly brilliant blue eyes lit up whenever he first saw her gave him away.
He enjoyed her, in spite of himself. And she liked that. A lot.
She recognized a fellow wounded soul when she saw one, and Colin McKinnon was deeply wounded, with throbbing layers of repressed emotional baggage. He used distant coolness, a gruff demeanor, and propriety as armor. Cautious, deliberate, wary, gruff… he was a challenge, but she liked challenges. And while Colin was a challenge, he wasn’t too much of a mystery. She’d met people like him before. People who’d been hurt, or were lost, or who’d slowly shriveled up from emotional neglect. So they closed themselves off from the world, shut down inside just to cope. Most times, all it took to draw people like that out was a little kindness. A bit of gentle attention. Some patience and empathy. She had plenty of those things to spare.
Part of what her travels had allowed her to do was connect with others, from all walks of life. Putting a spark of light back into someone’s eyes never ceased to fulfill her. God knew many people, with actions big and small, had done the same for her. She liked to pay it forward.
The thing was, it had been hard to get Colin to open up to her, but not impossible. Because underneath his carefully placed armor, he was aching to be drawn out of it, and likely unaware just how much he wanted that. Or… maybe he was just drawn to her.
She hadn’t been sure at first. Polite but aloof, he’d seemed interested in her travels, not in her. Then the rescue from the grabby hipster had been startling. Colin had looked absolutely lethal when he’d threatened to smash Clark’s face. Her breath had caught at the malicious promise to deliver in Colin’s eyes. Could she have fought off Clark on her own if she’d had to? Yes. But had it felt good for Colin to sweep in like a knight in shining armor? Had his protective gesture gotten to her? Oh hell yes.
Over the days they spent together, he’d slowly warmed to her. She noticed each tiny adjustment, even if he didn’t, and each one felt like a victory. Regaling him with tales of her travels always got him to let that guard down a bit. He’d ask questions, clearly captivated as they talked. When he was with her, his perma-frown softened, the lines around his mouth gentled, the heavy brows lifted from their perpetual furrow.
And she was learning about him. He didn’t like to discuss his marriage or divorce, he didn’t like to talk about himself, but he’d talk about others. He always got a little lighter, a bit softer, when talking about his children. There was big love in that frozen heart, she was sure of it. He was kind. The way he’d hold doors open for her, his impeccable manners despite his gruff nature, the way he spoke of his parents, siblings, children—so many things, big and small, showed her that good heart. He was also damn smart, which was wonderful. Smart people always held her interest and attention.
She chewed on the end of her ballpoint pen as she also thought about how handsome he was. He was sexy because he really had no clue how attractive he was. He’d written himself off years ago. It made her want to remind him he was still desirable, still sexy, still alive.
In her experience, it was always the quiet men who were the most surprising. Who had hidden passion waiting to be tapped… sensual, intense men like Colin were the most explosive in bed. She had to admit, she wondered what Colin would be like if he just let go. If he gave in to his desires for once in his damn life. The man had years of pent-up emotion buried. She was dying to light a match to his carefully guarded, long repressed powder keg. Something told her he’d be astonishing.
Her blood buzzed through her limbs, making her sensitive parts heat up. Just thinking of him in bed was making her want. Getting horny now wasn’t a good idea. But now she couldn’t stop imagining Colin hovering over her in bed. That gorgeously sensual mouth on her skin, his large hands skimming along her body, what it would feel like to move with him inside of her… damn. Electricity zipped through her. Her skin was tingling, nerves alight.
“Get a grip, Maggie,” she growled out loud. Willfully she snapped herself out of it and went to the kitchen to grab some water. Some very cold water, to soothe her now dry mouth and throat.
*
“Good to see you, Da,” Roisin said with a smile. Colin always hated this part, dropping her back after spending time together. It felt awkward, walking her to the door and leaving her at what had been his own home for so long. Looking at the house now left him cold. It felt both familiar and distant; he’d mentally disconnected from it.
Usually, Trish didn’t bother coming to the door to talk to him, for which he was grateful. He knew she already had a new man in her life. It almost amused him when he’d found out she was seeing Jimmy Muldoon; he was their age, a widowed father of one of Stephen’s friends. The few times they’d had to socialize with him at school events and the like, Colin had always suspected Jimmy had eyes for Trish, but hadn’t cared. Even now, knowing they were dating, he didn’t care. Good for them, let them have each other.
“Always good to see ya, love.” Colin pressed a kiss to his daughter’s forehead and pulled her in for a quick hug. “Nudge Stephen to maybe come with us next week, will you?”
“I will.” Roisin fidgeted with the huge hoops in her ears for a moment. “You miss him?”
“I always miss all of you,” Colin said. “You’re all growing up on me. You have plans on the weekends with your friends, and I get that. I’d never step on that. So if midweek dinners is all I’ve got, I’d like to see you without fail.”
She peered up at him. Her blue eyes seemed even brighter, set off by the blue streaks in her hair. “Maybe you need to find a girlfriend. Mum found someone. I don’t like to think of you alone.”
“I’m not alone,” he said. “I have three great kids.”
“Who, you just pointed out, have their own lives and don’t see you as much.”
Colin huffed out a breath, annoyed with the turn of the chat.
“Have you gone on any dates, Da?”
Images of the one embarrassing drunken attempt at a one-night stand he’d had three months before flashed through his mind. That had left him feeling foolish and empty. The thought of actually dating exhausted him. “Not your business, miss.”
“Why not? It’s a straightforward question.”
“And ’tis my business, no one else’s.”
“I’ll take that as a no, then.” Roisin frowned. “Sometimes I think of you alone in that flat and it worries me. I don’t like to think of you as lonely.”
Her soft words startled him. She couldn’t know he’d felt lonely for so long, even within his own marriage, that he didn’t know otherwise. It was a natural state for him. “I’m fine, love. Don’t you worry about me. Your da’s a grown man.”
She gazed at him for a long beat, then leaned in and wrapped her arms around his waist. “I’ll always make time for you, Da. I promise.”
His throat thickened as he returned her hug. Dropping a kiss on the crown of her head, he whispered gruffly, “That’s sweet of you, love. But you’re all supposed to grow and do your own thing. That’s life.” He ran his hand over her hair as he added, “But yes, it’s nice to hear you’ll find some time for your old man.”
“That’s the thing, Da. You’re not old.” She pulled back to look up at him again. “You act like you’re a hundred, but you’re only forty. You’ve been so…” Her voice trailed off.
“What? Say what’s on your mind, sweetheart.” Colin gently held her chin. “Always speak plain to me.”
“I see Mum with Jimmy and it made me realize how much happier she is now.” Roisin’s voice was gentle; he knew she was treading with caution, not wanting to hurt his feelings. “I never realized how unhappy she was, all this time. Thought that was… well, that she was just like that. I didn’t know any different. Seeing her happy like this… it’s nice. She’s like a different person.”
He only nodded. Good for Trish. Why not?
“And it made me think that I’d like to see you brighten up too, that’s all.”
“I am who I am, Roisin.”
“No.” She shook her head stubbornly. “Why bother getting divorced after all this time if not to change things? If you’re not going to go out and find some new happiness?”
He could barely speak. His little girl was more insightful than he’d given her credit for. “One doesn’t just ‘get happy’ with a snap of the fingers, love,” he finally said.
“That’s rubbish.”
“Is it now? You’re an expert all of a sudden?”
“Da. I’ve…” She swallowed hard. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you happy. Except sometimes with me and my brothers. You’re always so… reined in. Not with us, never with us, we know how much you love us. I mean, y’know. In general. You’re closed off, or boxed in. Maybe both.”
Colin just stared at her. Aloof, Maggie had called him. Gruff, distant, taciturn, stoic, measured… she hadn’t spared any terms. She always said it lightly, to soften the blow, but she hadn’t been wrong. Now to know his little girl thought of him that way made his stomach clench.
“A man has responsibilities in life,” Colin said quietly. “Family, work… I’ve done what I had to do. Real life isn’t fun and games, Roisin.”
“It doesn’t mean you have to roll over and play dead, either,” Roisin said. “Or what’s the point?” Angst flashed in her eyes. “Is that what I have to look forward to, then? Growing up and growing cold? Being miserable? I should just give up and say, ‘that’s life, nothing matters,’ and go through the motions?”
“No!” Colin barked. Something rose up in him at her prodding words, a rush of urgency. “I don’t want that for you! And that’s not even what I’m saying.”
“Ah, I see. So it’s okay for you to be unhappy and just plod through life, but not me. Or Stephen, or Patrick. We deserve better, but you don’t?” She stared back balefully. “Do ya hear yourself?”
“Are you fifteen or fifty?” he growled.
“You’re just mad ’cos ya know I’m right.”
Suddenly overcome, he raised his hands to her face, shocked to realize they were trembling. “I’m not mad at you. But yes… I want more for you and your brothers than I had. That’s all I want in the world, love.”
“More than you had. You know, Da… I can do math.” Roisin’s eyes took on a glint. “Patrick was born six months after you and Mum married. I know why you got married. Because you had to, not because you wanted to.”
Colin’s hands dropped from her face. He’d never had this conversation with any of his kids. He’d wondered if they’d figured it out, felt certain they had, but never brought it up. “I won’t deny it,” he whispered. “I won’t insult you that way.”
“You couldn’t deny it if you wanted to. It’s fact.”
He only nodded.
“So you did the right thing and married Mum. And you’ve both been miserable ever since.”
His jaw set tightly. “Not at first, love.” He hated for his child to think of this. “We… we loved each other at first. But too much to deal with, at such a young age… I guess it knocked it out of both of us.”
“I figured that. And Ireland isn’t exactly divorce-friendly.”
“No.” His mouth twisted ruefully as he thought of how he and Trish had still had to live together, in the same house, for five years after they’d agreed to divorce. “No, it’s not an easy thing.”
“So tell me the truth,” Roisin said. “Why’d you ask for a divorce? After all those years? Most would just keep going through the motions, cheat on the side, plod through however they had to and keep living the sham.”
“That’s not who I am. I honor my commitments. I’d never cheat on your mother. I never did, you know.”
“I’m sure. You’re the most honorable person I’ve ever known,” Roisin said. “Now please answer my question. Why go through with it?”
Colin swallowed, trying to dislodge the lump in his throat. She was killing him with her kindness, insight, and straight talk. But there were things he couldn’t discuss with his fifteen-year-old daughter. Wouldn’t. So he only said, “I was tired of living as we were. Your mum was too.”
“Living a lie.”
“It wasn’t a lie. We built a family and made a good home for you all.”
“Aye, that’s true,” Roisin said. “You were both living in misery, though. You didn’t love each other. You barely liked each other. You co-existed. You think we didn’t know that? See it every day?”
He sighed heavily but nodded. “I’m sorry for that. But why are you bringing all this up now?”
“Because last night, I heard Mum saying good night to Jimmy on the phone. Telling him she loved him. Being flirty, laughing. Her face was all dreamy and happy.” Roisin shuffled her feet. “It shocked me.”
“Upset you too?”
“No, not at all. It was just surprising to hear her like that, see her face… you two never had that. It made me realize why you two were always so cool to each other.” She fidgeted with a lock of her hair. “I want that someday,” she admitted. “The love part.”
His breath tripped, caught in his throat. He cupped her cheek and managed to say, “And you should. Don’t ever settle for anything less.”
“You did.”
Jesus Christ. What to say to that? His chest felt tight, his heart falling to his stomach. “Yes,” he finally admitted in a rough whisper. “But Roisin… your mother and I love you and your brothers with all our hearts. I… I have some regrets. I’m sure your mum does too. But the one thing I know I can speak for her on is this: we don’t regret having you three.” He desperately needed her to understand. If she didn’t, he’d failed as a parent. “You know that, don’t you? Tell me you do.”
“Of course. I’ve never felt unloved or unwanted. It’s you two… it just makes me sad.” She gazed up at him for a long beat, then said, “My heart aches for you, Da.”
His heart squeezed like someone had thrown it into a vise. He tried to swallow down the lump that’d all but closed his throat, but he couldn’t.
The front door opened. Trish looked at them. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt. Thought I heard voices, just wanted to check.”
Colin nodded at her, cleared his throat hard, then kissed his daughter’s head once more. “Great seeing you. Text me, kid.”
“I will. Maybe I’ll even call you.” Roisin grinned mischievously. “If I get bored.”
“Rotten, you are.” He winked and chuckled. “See you soon.” He nodded at his ex-wife. “Trish.”
“Take care,” she said plainly.
He turned and walked back to his car. Emotion rushed through him, turning his skull into a vessel for white noise and his heart into a heavy drum. All the way home, he replayed the conversation with his daughter in his head. When had she gotten so insightful, so mature? How could he have deluded himself into thinking his kids hadn’t seen his and Trish’s relationship for what it was?
My heart aches for you, Da.
He didn’t want his child to feel sorry for him. And he didn’t want her, or any of them, to follow in his footsteps and settle for less in life, on any front. But he hadn’t set a very good example, had he.
Yes, he’d done the honorable thing, from when he was a wee boy. Being the oldest son made him feel he had the McKinnon name to uphold, and his parents hadn’t told him any different. Doing the honorable thing, the ‘right thing,’ was woven into his DNA, through the threads of his very core. But what was the point of doing the right thing if it left everyone feeling trapped, drained, or unhappy?
The honorable thing wasn’t always what was best, or even right.
He punched the steering wheel. It was easy to look back with clear hindsight, wasn’t it? His choices were made, his life sealed. Damn it all to hell, he wanted better for his kids. But how could he tell his kids not to settle for less when he’d done just that, and they knew it?
With a heavy heart, he parked the car, cut the engine, and sat quietly. He couldn’t change the past. But maybe he could still show them that it was never too late to follow your dreams. Not even dating, but doing other things. Maybe they’d be impressed with him reaching for new goals, striving to do more and be better, later in life. Maybe it was time to start living again, for a million reasons.
And not just for his kids, though that was a bloody good reason. But for himself.