Chapter 55
Olivia
He waits until the end of the day to call me into his office. I don't want to go. These meetings are becoming too frequent. Even though he and Lucas are sort of on speaking terms, I don't like it. I almost feel like a pawn in a chess game.
"Dr. Stillwell, I'd love to stay and chat, but I need to get home."
"I know for a fact Lucas has an important dinner tonight. I arranged it. That's why I thought this would be the perfect time to discuss your future."
"I thought we did that when the three of us went out." Maybe he needs a reminder that Lucas finally gave him the time of day again.
"Not like this. Be in my office in ten minutes."
I don't like the sound of this. I know this is the moment I should quit. I don't even care anymore if Lucas thinks I did it because he wants me to. I don't want to be behind closed doors with his father. Not after that set up. What interest could Dr. Stillwell possibly have in my future that doesn't involve Lucas? And why the hell does he want to do this tonight, without his son?
A knot forms in my stomach. It turns and churns and I want to throw up. If he tries anything, I'll set him straight. He won't though, will he? If he loves Lucas half as much as he claims to, will he ruin their semi-reconciliation?
I pick up my phone and send Lucas a text message. Whatever happens next, I want him to know he’s on my mind.
Good luck! I love you xoxo
I pass Joan on the way to Dr. Stillwell's office. She’s the interim office manager. She has ninety days to prove herself. In the meantime, Dr. Stillwell is rotating a bunch of us at the front desk to see who best handles the cranky patients.
Joan smiles as we walk by each other. That’s a far cry from Sandy who would've tried to knock me on my ass if she knew where I was headed. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe Dr. Stillwell only wants to offer me the front desk position and a raise to go along with it. One could only hope.
*
As usual I find myself alone in his office. I hate how this always plays out. I gravitate to the only family picture Dr. Stillwell has in there. I wonder if Lucas and I had a son, would he have a strong resemblance to his father like Lucas has to his dad?
How did that happen? How did I find myself lost to the illusion of children? I never daydreamed of being a mother. Until now. It’s like he’s opened a whole new world to me, one of love and marriage; a love that doesn't need to be kept hidden in the dark.
I jump when I feel a pair of hands on my shoulders. I never heard the doctor come into the office.
"I'm sorry Olivia, I didn't mean to startle you."
"You didn't, Dr. Stillwell. I just . . ."
"Please, dear, call me Steven."
Oh we’re back to that. Lucas is so not going to like this.
*
I stay at the office longer than I anticipate. I don't know how Lucas is going to react. I keep checking my phone to see if I have any missed texts or calls. Still no word from him. I hope that’s good news.
He wants me to meet him at his house. My shiny new key is just itching to be used, but first I have to pick some things up from my apartment, little things like clothes.
I can't control the jittery feeling that overruns my body. Internally I feel like every part of me is shaking. Externally my hands are nice and steady. I don't know how Lucas will take it. I have to make sure I tell him at the right time.
Dr. Stillwell doesn't want him to know, but I made a promise to Lucas, and I understand how much that promise means to him. Still, I don't want to be the cause of added friction between them.
I drive on mindlessly, not even listening to the music on the radio until I reach my complex. I need to run in, grab my clothes for the morning, and I can leave. It’s simple enough. Hopefully I'll make it back to Lucas's before he gets home.
The landline rings when I walk in. I don’t know why I still have a landline. Especially now that I’ll be moving in with Lucas. I should cancel it and save some money.
I check the caller ID certain it isn’t Lucas. He knows it’s easier to reach me through my cell phone. My parents. I know I should answer. We've been in a silent war since Christmas with Ava acting as the go-between.
"Hi, Sweetheart." It’s my mother. "Your father and I would like for you and Lucas to come for Sunday dinner. We want to get to know him better and discuss your plans."
She can't even bring herself to say it, not our plans, our wedding.
"Great, Mom. Are you guys planning to be reasonable or are you going to send me to my room for a time out."
"We overreacted, Livie. I'm sorry. We had no idea you were in that serious of a relationship."
"I'll have to check with him."
"Oh." She doesn't try to hide her disappointment.
"Look, I'll call you tomorrow. I'm sort of in a rush right now. I got home late and I'm supposed to meet Lucas. I'll talk to him and let you know tomorrow. Okay?"
"Alright sweetheart, I guess that will have to do. Have a good time."
Before I end the call, the doorbell rings. Great! I know it has to be Lucas. I’m so late. I hope I can avoid the reason behind it for a while, at least until I gauge his mood.
I open the door, not sure what to expect.
His lips draw up into a smile. It must have gone well. Whew! Maybe I can tell him? I don't expect a long, passionate kiss before he enters the apartment, but when his mouth meets mine, it’s like we haven't seen each other in a month rather than a few hours.
He comes at me with the hunger of a starving man at a banquet. He pulls me close, his hands on the sides of my face. They move down to my waist and keep on their excursion until they cup my bottom.
I pull away. "I can't tell if that means it went well or not."
"Shh," he places a finger over my lips and is quick to replace it with his lips as he backs me up into the apartment.
Still wearing the suit he wore to the meeting, Lucas undoes his tie and tosses it aside. My fingers work on the buttons of his shirt. It doesn't matter that we haven't spoken. All that matters is the need pulsing through us, between us. The need to connect. To be part of each other.
"Does this mean you got the funding?" I ask pulling his now open shirt out of his pants.
"I don't know. I think I convinced Dr. Wilson. Mrs. Stinner made it clear she controls the purse strings."
"She was there?" I run my hands up the warm skin of his stomach and chest.
"Uh huh." He picks my shirt up over my head, pulls the cups of my bra down and admires my breasts.
"Mmm. How I missed you," he brings his mouth down to one breast, his tongue flicking back and forth over its peak while his hand kneads the other.
"Did she like your plans?" I ask finding it near impossible to maintain the conversation.
"Don't know." He pulls away to answer as his hands take their fill of me, caressing, and pinching the peaks of both breasts. He bends down ready for his mouth and tongue to meet my other breast.
"Expecting someone?" Lucas asks, at the chime of the doorbell.
I shake my head. "No."
"Then ignore it. They'll go away."
"Give me a minute, maybe it's a delivery or something."
"Are you waiting for one?"
"No." I twist out of his hold, adjust my bra and put my shirt back on before I open the door.
"Hi, Livie."
My stomach drops like a barrel over Niagara Falls, hard and fast. My heart beats in protest. I can’t speak, my mouth is too dry. I recognize the large brown eyes, the light brown hair, and perfectly trimmed, layer of stubble covering his face.
Nate.
"Livie." He leans forward, placing his hand on the doorframe, probably so I can't slam the door in his face "I need to talk to you."
"I have nothing to say. And this isn't a good time." I start closing the door hoping he picks up on the cue and backs off.
"Please just hear me out."
Lucas stands behind me. I don't need to look back to confirm it. I feel the tension and heat bounce off him onto me.
"Is everything alright?"
I nod, too nervous to look at him when I answer. I keep my focus on Nate hoping he'll take the hint and leave.
"Everything's fine. He’s just leaving."
"I'm not leaving. You need to hear me out."
"No, I don't. I think you would've gotten the hint when I hung up on you."
With his shirt still askew, Lucas steps up from behind me so that we were standing side by side. He doesn't say anything, but with a quick glance at him, I see his jaw clench and anger burning in his eyes.
Nate turns. Like he just noticed Lucas is there.
"Who’s this?"
"I'm her fiancé."
"Fiancé? Livie, please, you can't marry him. Not until we talk."
"You should leave." Lucas's voice is cold and hard.
"Please, give me another chance. I told Malory about us. I told her everything."
"You shouldn't have."
"I owed her the truth. And I owed it to you to be honest about us. I never meant to hurt you."
"C'mon, buddy." Lucas steps forward. "She doesn't want you here."
"Not until Livie asks me to leave."
"Leave. Go back to your wife and kids."
Lucas takes another step forward. He brings his hand up to Nate's chest, backing him away.
"This isn't over. Livie. I love you and I want you back."
I turn and go back into the apartment knowing I need to explain the scene to Lucas. It isn't the scene that concerns me. It’s the questions and implications that will follow.
I should've told him about Nate, should've told him the whole story when he asked. Or when Nate called. I knew it was a bad sign when I found that note mixed in with my mail. Why the hell did he have to show up now?
A few minutes pass before Lucas comes back into the apartment. When he does, he shuts the door and leans against it. He holds his head between his hands, eyes closed, no doubt recomposing himself.
"Did you know he was coming? Is that why you were late?"
I swallow hard. I can't possibly tell him what happened with his father now. He won't understand. First, I have to clear up the Nate mess.
"No, I just . . ." I search for an excuse. Anything that might be plausible. "I was on the phone with my mother and I lost track of time. My parents invited us to dinner on Sunday. They want to . . ."
"Enough." He cuts me off.
I step forward and put my hands on his waist. "Lucas, I love you. He doesn't mean anything to me."
He takes my hands off him and steps away, over to the other side of the small kitchen and leans against the counter. I know I’m over reacting, but it feels like he can't bear to be touched by me.
"He's married."
So much is communicated in those two words. Everything that kept him distant and uninvolved in the beginning. All the insecurities caused by Stacy, they’re all back.
I nod, wishing I never let that fact leave my lips. But I did and now I have to face the consequences.
"Clearly he's older than I am, and he's married. How old is he, Olivia?"
"He was a mistake. If I could do it all over again I would."
"How old is he?"
"Thirty eight."
"Fuck." Lucas's hands cover his nose and mouth. "So you do have a thing for older men."
I know what he’s thinking. I have to clear this up. Now.
"It's not what you're thinking. I was very naive. My sophomore year I took a literary romance class. That's where we met."
"He took the class?"
I shake my head, nervous to get into all this. "He taught it."
"This just gets better and better."
"I told you before I was taken with him. He paid a lot of attention to me, and I was clearly his favorite. He'd recommend books and movies to me based on my answers and reactions to class discussions. I read one of the books and then started talking to him about it after class. That's when he asked me to meet him for dinner. I thought it was just to talk about the book, and how to apply what I took from it to his class."
"Great, so now we know. Not only is he a liar and cheater, he uses his position to prey on young girls. What a fucking catch."
"This was long before you, and I broke things off with him. Why are you mad at me?"
His hands are balled into fists. "I'm not mad at you, I'm just mad. Okay?"
I take small steps over to where he stands. "You heard me tell him I'm not interested, right?"
"No. You said he should go back to his wife and kids, but you never told him you weren't interested."
"It was implied."
"Some things need to be said out loud."
Lucas doesn't move away from me, but standing with his arms crossed over his chest, he makes no move to embrace or touch me.
"I'm saying it. I have no interest in him. You're the only one I want."
"You sure about that?"
"Positive."
"When did he call?"
"Christmas. I only answered because I thought it was my parents. They'd been calling my cell phone since we left."
"And you didn't bother to check the caller ID? Or did you want to talk to him?"
"I hung up on him. You must have heard that."
"You didn't tell me, and I can't help but wonder if it's because you still have feelings for him."
I look down at the ring on my finger searching for strength.
"Here's the deal, Lucas. I love you. That's the bottom line. I made a promise to marry you. I don't take that lightly. You can stand there and question me all night, but eventually you have to decide whether or not you trust me."
"I'm trying to understand. When you told me about him you didn't mention that he was older or married."
"Why are either of those things important?"
"I think you know why."
"I'm not Stacy. In fact, I wasn't seeing anyone else the entire time I was with Nate. And I didn't know he was married. Not in the beginning." Frustrated, I run my hand through my hair. "I knew he wasn't allowed to date his students. I thought that was why we had to meet several towns over. It was after six months when he wouldn't bring me home, wouldn't introduce me to his family, to anyone, that I started to get suspicious."
"Did you fuck him? After you found out he was married?"
My face fills with color. Heat and shame spread through me at his words. I feel dirty. Disgusting. Like I’m nothing more than a cheap whore. I didn't know in the beginning, and by the time I found out, we'd already been sleeping together.
I loved Nate, I believed he loved me. And with his promises to leave his wife, and baby girl, I had no reason to doubt him. Not until it never happened. Not until I heard him speaking to a colleague, and showing off his newest picture of his wife and four months old baby. I see it’s useless trying to explain this to Lucas. He has his mind made up.
"Did you?" He asks again.
I have a hard time meeting his eyes; I believe I'll find judgment in them. I nod.
"Damn it, Olivia. What the hell is wrong with you?"
There it is. Every reason I didn't want Lucas to ever find out about Nate.
"What made you finally decide to leave him?"
"Can we just end this?"
"We will, but I want to know." He squeezes his eyes closed. "I need to know."
"I overheard him telling another professor that his wife was pregnant again."
His face changes. He lost the cool, distant look in his eyes. Now he looks pained.
"How could you? Once you knew he had a wife and kid? How could you fuck him? How could he hurt her like that?"
Before I can answer, Lucas's phone rings. A distraction. I don't know if I should be grateful for it or not. He checks the caller ID before answering.
"Who is it?"
"I don't know."
"You should answer. It could be important."
"This is important."
"Yes, it is. But I'm not going anywhere. One of the doctors you had dinner with tonight could be calling with good news."
He nods. His grey eyes are still clouded with anger. I listen as Lucas speaks, and his face changes from anger to a ghostly pale, full of pain and worry.