Chapter 24

Gracen

I unlock the front door of Marek’s house and carry the grocery bags in while Lilly trails behind me. The beeping alarm panel reminds me to punch in the disarm code, then I’m shutting the door.

Today was the start of three consecutive days I have off, and I intend to enjoy every bit of it with Lilly. I took her to the Marbles museum in downtown Raleigh this morning, then we went clothes shopping. It’s amazing and hilarious that my almost four-year-old child has fashion sense. She’s very particular about her look too. I take it as a very real sign she’s growing up way too fast that she’s shunning jeans and casual clothes for frilly dresses, lacy socks, and shiny black patent leather shoes. Lilly is tall for her age and is growing like a weed. It seems like all I do is buy new clothes for her, and I was surprised to find out today that my almost four-year-old is wearing six-year-old sizes.

Lilly gives a tiny yawn as we walk into the kitchen. I put down the paper bags filled with ingredients for tonight’s dinner—white chicken chili—and turn to ruffle Lilly’s hair. “Want to take a nap?”

She shakes her head. She’s well past her nap time, but I thought I’d offer because of that yawn. Lilly is still taking a nap at school, but she’s almost impossible to get down here at the house, and I’ve practically given up. I figure she’ll sleep if she’s tired.

My phone rings from inside my purse, which is still slung over my shoulder. I drop it to the counter and fish out my phone. Taking one look at the screen showing an incoming video chat, I hold it outward to Lilly and grin. “It’s Mimi and G-Pa.”

Gone is any trace of fatigue as her blue eyes—so much like Marek’s—brighten. She snags the phone from me and taps on the green button to answer the call.

I step around behind her, bending over her shoulder to peer at the screen. My mom and dad’s faces pop up as they sit close together on their living room couch. Behind them is a cream crocheted blanket my mom made, and a piercing pain of homesickness hits me right in the gut.

“Hey, Lilly Bug,” my father says, his teeth gleaming as he smiles broadly at this granddaughter.

“G-Pa,” Lilly exclaims in response. “Guess what Mommy and I did this morning?”

“What’s that?” he asks.

“We went to a museum and then we went shopping, and I got some new dresses, and I can’t wait for Daddy to come home so I can show him…”

I straighten up and walk around the counter, intent to put the groceries away while Lilly talks to my parents. I find it fascinating how much Lilly has become attached to Marek in the last four weeks since he’s been interacting with her. The fact that she mentioned him to her grandparents while talking about her day, which did not include him, speaks volumes.

“Where’s Daddy at now?” I can hear my mom’s voice from the phone.

“Playing hockey,” Lilly says proudly. He’s actually on an extended road trip to the West Coast and is due back day after tomorrow.

Ever since Joan and Gale brought her to watch Marek play on Sunday, that’s all Lilly talks about. I didn’t realize what a thrill it would be to see her father out on the ice. He’d shown her hockey on TV, but she didn’t quite understand it until she saw it live, and now all she wants to do is go watch another game.

Lilly chatters on about the game, but my mind drifts as I put away the groceries. I love seeing Lilly so animated and enraptured with her new life here. She’s fit in easily, adapting quickly to going to school and forging a relationship with her father.

I wish it were that easy for me, but I’m more confused than ever over my feelings for Marek. I could kick myself a thousand times for ever letting those three words out of my mouth a week ago.

“I love you.”

I should have had better control. I shouldn’t let my body and my heart interconnect. It was impossible to contain myself, the feel of him inside of me all consuming. So big and thick and filling me up so completely, I could barely breathe from the intensity of the moment.

But those three words managed to escape all the same, and I wish I could take them back. Not because I don’t mean them, but because I do mean them. I mean them with all my heart, and it’s too disappointing that Marek doesn’t want to receive them.

Or at least that’s what I’ve taken away from that night a week ago.

For the next five nights until he had to leave for another road trip, Marek made love to me in his bed. Once Lilly was asleep, he’d silently pull me in there and strip me down. Sometimes he’d fuck me furiously, and other times slowly. Marek had no problem letting his body convey whatever emotions he was feeling for me. It’s been intense, the way he silently worships my body, taking me to the greatest of heights night after night. But he doesn’t love me, and I’m careful never to mention those words again.

How can I when I’ve got nothing but doubt swirling around me now?

Doubt about Marek and my place here in his home. Doubt about whether I should even be here in North Carolina, setting myself up for perhaps another heartbreak.

I can never allow myself to forget what caused the rift between Marek and me in the first place. He left me. He decided he didn’t love me anymore. He wanted a life without me. A life with other things that weren’t me.

I’ve been getting subtle reminders of that, and I’d chosen to ignore those things. But because my heart is getting too wrapped up again with him, I’ve got to keep my expectations low.

Marek FaceTimed Lilly just before she went to bed the other night. It was getting late for her here, but we were cuddled on the couch together watching a movie and I didn’t want that moment to end. I know Lilly’s growing up on me, so I take advantage of all the cuddles I can get.

Lilly went nuts when she saw Marek’s face on my phone screen, and I muted the television as Lilly answered it.

“There’s my girl,” Marek said as he smiled into the camera on his phone.

“Hey, Daddy,” she chirped, holding the phone up so close to her face that I doubt he could see much more than her nose and lips on his end. I grabbed the top of my phone and gently pulled it back so Marek could get a full view of her. “Are you playing hockey?”

Lilly doesn’t understand the road trips. In her mind, Daddy is just always on the ice playing. She doesn’t get the travel or the days off between games. That night he called was an off-night, and I could tell Marek was just freshly showered, as his hair was a little damp.

He’d asked Lilly how her day was and they chattered away as I watched. Then Holt’s face appeared in the screen, nudging Marek to the side. He clamped a hand on Marek’s shoulder and said into the camera, “Lilly! What’s up, princess?”

Lilly giggled but didn’t say anything, just stared at the screen.

“Come on, man,” Holt said to Marek. “Uber driver is here.”

Holt then waved at Lilly. “Night, Lilly.”

“Good night,” she said.

Marek brought the camera a little closer to his face. “I got to go, but I want to talk to your mommy first.”

“Okay,” Lilly said as she turned to hand the phone to me.

Marek’s words stopped her. “I love you, Lilly.”

“Love you too,” she said, and grinned back at him. A beautifully sweet ache thumped in the center of my chest, seeing the love between them and also knowing it was only between them.

Lilly handed me the phone and I turned it fully to me, putting a bright smile on my face. “Hey. What’s up?”

It seemed as if Marek was drinking in my face for a moment before he smiled. “Just wanted to check in to see how you’re doing.”

“We’re doing great. Lilly misses you.”

“Do you miss me?” he’d asked, and the mischievous tone in his voice told me that he expected me to say yes.

And because I did miss him, I was truthful. “Of course I do.”

“That’s my girl,” he replied.

My heart swelled over the possessive tone in his voice and the husky richness that caused my belly to flutter.

Then the moment was ruined when Holt’s face came back into view. He saw it was me and said, “Hey, Gracen. Let your man go. We’ve got places to go and people to see.”

I made my smile brighter and even laughed. “Sure thing. You guys have fun tonight.”

“Oh, we will,” Holt said before disappearing from the screen. I could hear his voice, though. “Come on, Marek.”

Marek glanced over his shoulder then back to me. He gave me a sheepish smile and a shrug. “We’re going to go grab some dinner and drinks.”

“Have fun,” I’d told him, hoping my voice sounded as earnest as I wanted my heart to feel. I never want to hold him back.

“I will,” he’d said back. Not in a gloating way, but in a way that told me all the same that he loved this partially nomadic life.

It was a reminder to me to keep my heart shielded and to shelve expectations.

Yet a small part of me held out hope.

Still holds out hope.

There have been good things. Really good things, sometimes reminiscent of the younger Marek I fell in love with years ago. One day he brought me home a jersey. A Fabritis jersey to match the one he’d given Lilly. He had me come watch another night game, and afterward we didn’t go out but came back to the house and made love all night long.

He’s been openly affectionate to me. In front of Lilly, who thinks nothing of it, and in front of his parents, who raised their eyebrows the first time he came up behind me and kissed me on the neck while they watched.

And every night when he’s in Raleigh, I’m in his bed. Sure, he hasn’t said anything about moving my clothes down from the guest room upstairs. And he hasn’t asked me to come watch every game. I mean, I know I’ll never get an invitation to travel on the road with him, because that would probably impinge on the freedom he probably still craves. I won’t be a part of that inside club within the franchise.

I take a deep breath, resolving to focus on the good things, but to keep my expectations realistic. That’s about the best I can do.

“Mommy.” I hear Lilly’s voice and look down to find her tugging on my shorts. She holds the phone up to me. “G-Pa wants to talk to you.”

I smile at her and take the phone, turning the screen to me. My mom is gone and it’s just my dad’s face.

“Hey,” I say sweetly in my daddy’s-girl voice that I can’t seem to get rid of despite the fact I’m an adult.

Dad chuckles. “Seems like Lilly’s turned into a hockey nut.”

I can’t help but laugh. “Yeah…she’s really taken to the sport now that she knows that’s her daddy’s job.”

“Listen,” my dad says in a swift change of subject. “I just wanted to let you know I got a call from Mr. Waller a few days ago.”

“Owen’s dad?” I ask in shock, even though I know it can’t be anyone else.

My dad nods. “He said he was extending the loan for six months.”

“Just like that?” I ask suspiciously.

“Just like that,” my dad confirms. “The attorney we hired is guiding us through the negotiations with the gas company that wants to purchase our property. It will probably take a few months to get it all done, but well before the six months is up. I just wanted you to know, honey, that we’re okay and you don’t need to worry about us.”

The smile that comes to my face feels good. Not forced, the way I had to do with Marek the other night, but genuinely warm and gracious. “I’m glad. That’s one stress off my plate.”

Of course, that leads to my father wanting to know all about my stresses. That leads to mom coming back onto the screen, both of them grilling me on how things are going with my job and between Marek and me. I give them the details on the job, but play it vague with Marek, telling them only what I’d just resolved myself to do.

I’ll focus on the good things we have, but keep my expectations for anything more to a realistic minimum. That should keep me safe.