PHILIP
Having Abby around was an adjustment. A huge adjustment. I was a single gay man, living on my own, teaching and working. She’d been beyond upset when we told her that she couldn’t go live with Ryan. She begged and pleaded with Daniel but he couldn’t budge on the matter, but no child wanted to hear the state’s laws. After storming out of the room, he’d come back in an hour and a half later. He managed to pacify her somewhat, but I could tell he was still just as angry about the situation as she was.
After Abby’s meltdown, she went quiet. I’d taken her home from the hospital later that day, and it had taken three days, and only when Ryan came by to see her that she uttered a word. It killed me to see him and not be able to touch him, but he made himself clear. We couldn’t see each other anymore. Abby’s happiness and safety was all that mattered to him. It was the worst pain, worse than anything from my past. I knew this one was going to be unrecoverable. All three of us were becoming unrecognizable in our pain, and I needed to fucking fix it.
“Abby?” I called knocking on her bedroom door. I’d tried desperately to recreate the room she’d had living with Martha, but nothing seemed to work. I was desperate. She opened the door looking up at me with sad eyes. “Let’s go get pizza.”
She shrugged, walking over to put on her shoes. “Abby, honey, I know this isn’t exactly what you wanted, but Ryan still comes over as much as he can, and I’m trying really hard to learn how to adjust to this new life too. You think you can you help an old guy out?”
“Okay,” Abby said softly. “I’m sorry, Mr. Philip. I miss Martha a lot.”
“Sweetheart, remember, you can just call me Philip now. I miss Martha too, but she’d would want you to be happy, right?” She nodded her head, clutching the stuffed dog Ryan had given her. The thing was butt ugly, pink and purple with some type of crown on its little Dachshund head. After storming out of the hospital room, when he’d returned he was holding the little stuffed toy. Abby lit up like it was Christmas.
“Can we invite Ryan to dinner?”
“Sure thing, jelly bean.” She ran to the closet to pick out the new sneakers I bought her. “Okay, get your shoes on and I’ll call Ryan and see if he can meet us at the Fun House.”
She looked happier than she’d been since the fire and I sighed with relief. Maybe, this whole thing could work out after all.
“Hey,” Ryan said answering my call. I hadn’t talked or texted with him other than arranging to see Abby. The case study we now worked on separately, me giving him research and data work, while I did the visitations and analysis. Every time he came to my house Abby had his full attention, which was what we agreed upon. It just hurt more than I cared to admit.
“Hey, um, Abby wanted to know if you could come to dinner with us at the Fun House.”
“She’s finally talking?” He blew out a relieved breath.
“Yeah, we had a little chat. We decided to help each other adjust to this new life we’re living.”
“That’s um, good.” There was a pregnant pause. “The Fun House? Did you bribe her into talking to you?”
“Maybe,” I chuckled, desperately hoping his willingness to chat with me was a good sign. “So, can you make it? She really wants to see you.”
“I don’t know. That’s a pretty public place.” I had to give the man credit, he was sticking to his guns. It was as though we’d flip-flopped. I was willing to sneak around, do whatever I could to keep him in my life, while his sole focus was making sure nothing could upset Abby’s living situation. Knowing where I stood was understandable but still painful
“Abby is there and Daniel knows how close the two of you are. It’s perfectly innocent. No one can misinterpret.”
After a few moments he finally agreed. “Yeah, okay, I’ll meet you there in thirty minutes.”
“Thanks, Ryan. I’ll see you then.” I hung up the phone and called for Abby, who came bouncing into the room.
“Is he coming?”
“He sure is, Abby bean.” Her eyes lit up at the new nickname and the fact that Ryan would be there.
“I like that,” she said almost too softly. “No one ever gave me a nickname but Ryan.”
“I like it too. How ’bout we keep it?” I took her hand and led her out the door.
We made it to the restaurant slash arcade in about twenty minutes, and Ryan was already sitting at a booth. He waved us over. Abby squealed when she saw him and ran over, flying into his arms like she hadn’t seen him in a month.
“Hey, princess. I hear you’re feeling better.” He smiled down at her. “You ready to have some fun?”
“Yes!” Her excitement was contagious. Even the pain at seeing Ryan and not being able to touch him wasn’t enough to quell the happiness at seeing that little girl so animated.
“Let’s go pick out a prize that you want to work toward and order some pizza.” Abby nodded vigorously and hopped out of Ryan’s lap trying to pull him up from the booth.
He chuckled. “Easy there, princess. I’m coming.” We walked over to the prize wall and waited as she studiously weighed her options. We’d done this once or twice when I had brought her and Martha to dinner. It was our ritual when we went for pizza.
“That one.” She pointed to a doll that we had actually gotten a few weeks before. I was saddened realizing she had lost everything in that fire.
“Okay, let’s do this.” I put a twenty in the token machine and waited until it finished spitting out the coins.
“What’s your poison, princess Abby?” Ryan held his arms out.
“The best place to get the most tickets is that one over there,” she said pointing at the game I showed her a few weeks before. We walked over to the brightly lit dome. A light swirled from one spot to another in a circle. Each spot had a number that told you how many tickets you got. It was all about timing. Ryan looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
“The kid is awesome at this game,” I said as I handed her a couple tokens. Abby hit the thousand tickets on the first try and we all cheered.
“Heck yeah, Abby you’re gonna get that doll in no time.” Ryan high-fived her and grabbed a couple tokens. When his fingertips innocently brushed my palm, his eyes jumped up to meet mine and I could see the heat in them. Well that’s good to know. But he shook his head as if to clear it and went to work at trying to win as many tickets as Abby just did. We sat there playing the game for at least forty-five minutes, and I couldn’t help but feel like a family as we cheered each other on and tried to win the doll for Abby.
It was fucked up feeling that way. I knew that. We couldn’t be together when everything kept pushing us apart. It killed me. I wanted him with a desperation I’d never felt before, but now more than ever, it was necessary to stay away from him. It would be fine. I would find someone else and so would he. Maybe if I told myself that enough, I might actually believe it.