PHILIP
A few days went by and it was relatively quiet. I was glad the media had decided to leave us alone a little bit. I’d spent the last several days making arrangements for Martha’s funeral. I figured the woman cared so much about others it was the least I could do. She already had a plot next to her deceased husband and funny enough most of the arrangements had already been made when she was alive. I spoke with the attorney and he gave me all the necessary documentation and I went to work securing a date and putting everything in motion. It felt good to keep my mind busy and off of all the problems I was facing. The thing I was most glad for though was that I didn’t have to deal with everything thing alone. Ryan and I spent our nights at his apartment. It was cozy, but I could tell it was just a means to an end not really home.
We were lying in bed one night. I looked around at the blank walls; he didn’t have much by way of furniture either but I guess when you live in a single room it makes sense to just have a bed. “What do you think about moving in together?” I asked out of nowhere.
“What?” He was a little shocked but his eyes brightened as I twirled his dark chocolate-colored hair between my fingers.
“We spend every night together anyway. You could move in with me or we could find a new place of our own.” I was rambling. I didn’t realize until I’d tried to sell him on the idea how much I wanted his answer to be yes. I wanted to be with him. That was the minute I realized how royally fucked I was. Ryan had the ability to break me. I was totally and completely in love with him; the thought scared the shit out of me. A range of emotions flitted across his features before a beaming smile spread.
“You just want me in your bed every night,” he said playfully.
“Well, that is the idea. You naked in my bed every night is the dream.” I laughed as I reached down and squeezed his hardening cock.
“That sounds pretty fantastic to me.” He moaned as I slowly stroked him.
“So? Are you in? Can we start packing up your apartment tomorrow?” I pushed my way down the bed, leaned in and licked the head of his cock.
“You don’t play fair,” he growled. “Let me fuck you and I’ll do anything you want.”
I paused, stopping any action and crawled back up to lay next to him. That was a demand I hadn’t heard in a while. Most guys I’d been with were confirmed bottoms. Except for Daniel. It had been a point of argument in our relationship. My need to be in control was one of the things that eventually broke us up, but for Ryan? After he gave me what he had never given anyone else, I would do just about anything for him.
“I need to tell you something.”
“What is it?” Trying to reassure him from the worry in his voice, I squeezed his hand and pulled him in my arms, needing the comfort of his body next to mine to tell this story.
“It’s so much better now, being gay, bi, trans… I’m not saying it’s perfect, far from it, but just fifteen or so years ago, when I was a teenager, homosexuality was a thing to be ashamed of. I hadn’t realized I was gay until I was about seventeen. I tried to ignore the growing attraction I had for guys, but no matter how many girls I dated, slept with, it just wouldn’t go away. And because I did date girls, yet was attracted to guys, it was like I wasn’t either gay or hetero, which was even worse in my eyes because I didn’t fit in anywhere.” Ryan lay perfectly still, the only way I knew he was listening was by the hand, slowly going back and forth over my chest in a light caress. “So one night, I went to a gay bar in another town with my fake ID, figuring if I went there, I could maybe fit in somewhere, maybe realize who I was. Anyway, an older guy bought me a drink and started flirting with me, asking me questions about sex and what I had done. He realized pretty quickly that I was a complete virgin when it came to homosexual sex and offered to teach me. He didn’t know I was only seventeen. Fuck.” I paused, really not wanting to rehash this part of my life. It was bad enough living it, I didn’t want to repeat it, but if I had any chance at a true relationship with Ryan, he needed to know everything. “I actually don’t remember much about the night. Thinking back on it, he’d been buying me drinks, so I was probably roofied.” Ryan’s head was now on my chest, he looked up at me with such understanding. I hadn’t trusted anyone with my secrets and this story the way I did Ryan.
“The first clear memory I have is me chained to a bed excruciating pain tearing through my ass as he brutally fucked me. When he was done and let me up there was blood.” I shook my head from the memory. There was no reason to go into graphic detail, and it was just better that I not dwell on it. “After that, it took a long time before I was willing to have sex again… with anyone. And when I did, if I liked a guy, I was in total dominant control, until it just became who I was. I never dated older men, thinking something similar could happen, and I refused to be a victim again. Only guys my own age or younger and never with anyone who could overpower me.” We lay there in silence for long minutes while he stroked my hair, hoping he’d realize how much trust I’d just put in him by telling that story.
“It’s okay, we don’t have to do that if you’re uncomfortable with it, but I’m not gonna lie I get the urge to fuck like anyone else, so maybe we can take baby steps.” He rolled off my chest so that we were face to face on our sides. When he began kissing me sweetly, I knew he was trying to calm my nerves from having shared something so ugly. As our kissing got heated, he reached around and stroked my ass, doing the same to me as I’d done to him. His finger swirled around my hole but he never breached it. He’d had us so close together, he began grinding against me, then kissing me hard, totally distracting me from where his hand was. I let him control the kiss, which was difficult, but like Ryan said, baby steps.
We stayed like that just kissing and touching each other languidly for a moment, fevered at others. It was so different then our usual hurry toward the finish line. Something had changed. I could feel it all the way to my bones as he broke the kiss and moved down my body slowly savoring the taste of my skin making his way to my cock.
“Mmm,” he moaned as he licked the bead of pre-cum off the head. My head tilted back and I screwed my eyes up tight, trying desperately not to move or say anything demanding. I wanted to show him that I could give up the control once in a while and let him take charge, but fuck was it hard not to move. I grabbed a fistful of the sheets in an attempt to keep from grabbing his hair and thrust myself into his hot mouth. Looking down, I noticed his eyes looking up, watching my reaction. He loved every second of it, me struggling to remain submissive, while he took the lead. His head bobbed up and down as he sucked me, fingers grazing my balls, and that was all it took for me to scream his name. After he licked me clean, he laid back down next to me wrapping me in his arms. “Of course, I’ll move in with you.”
I grinned, feeling the happiest I had ever been. We were going to be together. I would do anything to keep Ryan. He may have been younger than me, but sometimes you can’t help who you fall in love with. Maybe, after we lived together for a while, I would have the guts to tell him how I really felt... maybe.