PHILIP
What the fuck did I just do? The words spewed from my mouth without my permission. I stood there staring after him berating myself for my stupidity. What the fuck was I thinking? Being alone in my house with Ryan had not been a part of the plan. It was bad enough his scent still permeated my car, now it was going to be in my house too. I promised I’d distance myself from him. It was the only responsible thing to do, yet there I was offering for him to come to my place to talk.
I’m an idiot. A horny idiot.
After he left I pulled my phone out and sent him my address. But, maybe a conversation was exactly what we needed. We could be adults and have a serious discussion without wanting to rip each other’s clothes off, right? I shook my head not even believing my own thoughts. This was a disaster waiting to happen.
I decided to make the most of the most awful decision I’d ever made in my life. What happened to the conversation I had with Daniel? Taking time to figure things out was best for everyone. So why couldn’t I do it? I grabbed takeout and a bottle of wine on the way back to my house and decided I had enough time to shower before Ryan got there.
Stepping out of the shower, there was an impatient knock at the door.
Okay, not enough time then.
I wrapped a towel and went to answer it. Big mistake. Ryan stood there looking wide eyed as he eyed me up and down. “Shit,” he cursed. “Did I come at a bad time?”
“No, I was just getting out of the shower,” I replied stupidly. He could see that plain as day. “Come in, I’ll go get dressed.”
“Don’t get dressed on my account.”
Choosing the path of the grown adult, I ignored him. “There’s wine in the kitchen. Help yourself.” I all but ran into the bedroom, clearly not hiding my embarrassment as Ryan chuckled at my escape. Shit, it was wrong to offer a nineteen-year-old wine, right? Ah, fuck it. It was like the Titanic, going down and no one could stop it, just needed to hang on for as long as possible.
When I made my way out of my bedroom, his back was to me, shoulders were hunched forward, and there were two glasses sitting empty on the counter. “Ryan?”
“Hey, you got dressed quickly. So, what’d you want to talk about?” His sudden change in demeanor was puzzling. Deciding to ignore it, I walked around the counter and grabbed the food from the warmer and laid it out on the bar. I grabbed a couple plates and handed him one before filling my plate with mushu pork and beef and broccoli, trying to keep my hands busy. Ryan stood and walked around the counter to fill his plate. It was totally unnecessary since he could have easily gotten his fill from the side he was on. His arm brushed mine and an electric current zapped through me. His tongue came out to wet his lips. This was the absolute worst idea I had ever had. Period.
Fuck it. Again.
Setting my plate down on the counter, I turned and pulled him to me. The kiss was carnal. Both of us fighting for dominance. I pushed him back up against the counter and reached for the hem of his shirt before I could even think about what I was doing. A minute later we were both standing in the kitchen shirtless, breathless, and horny as hell. “We have to stop.”
“Why?” Ryan was just as breathless as I was. “It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just sex.”
“Yeah well, it could mean something to me and I don’t know what to think about that.” I pushed him back, and ran my hand through my hair. Grabbing my plate and glass of wine, I walked over to the kitchen table and set my meal down. Ryan stared at me in confusion before finally following my lead and sitting down beside me.
My head was a jumbled mess. I couldn’t possibly be considering doing anything else that was inappropriate with Ryan. I already crossed a major line... twice. “We can’t continue like this, Ryan.”
“Continue like what?” His leg bumped into mine under the table. It occurred to me that we were both still shirtless and I groaned. I had been so worried about getting away from him that I hadn’t even remembered to put my shirt back on.
“We have to keep our relationship purely student teacher. I can’t see you outside of class like this, it’s unethical.”
“You know what? That’s fine with me. You’re the one that keeps appearing. All weekend you have continuously showed up where I was. You know what I think? I think you’re scared, Philip.” The use of my first name nearly had me coming, and I was the one who was supposed to be the dominant one. “This sexual tension between us is stifling and you’re afraid that once we start we won’t be able to stop.”
Pushing back from the table, needing a moment before responding, I put my plate in the sink, and grabbed my glass of wine, taking a fortifying gulp. “No, Ryan, I’m battling with myself. I shouldn’t want to bend you over the table and fuck you senseless.” Then I made the mistake of adding, “You’re just a kid.”
He laughed bitterly. “I’m just a kid? Wow, yeah. You don’t know much about me, then. Did you not listen to me the other day? I practically raised myself and took care of my mother. The two jobs I have while going to school? All that money went to taking care of her and making sure she wasn’t out on the streets. I went to a party on Greek row last night, and as I stood there watching my classmates get drunk and stupid, I realized how lame it all was. You’ve got it so wrong, Professor, I’m not just some dumb kid.”
He was seething. I couldn’t blame him. But none of what he said mattered.
“It doesn’t change the fact that you’re my student and nearly fifteen years younger than me. Not only that, but some people would see this as my abusing you, or at the very least taking advantage of our positions, I could lose my job and possibly my license.”
He stared at me for long minutes and shrugged his shoulders. “You’re thinking too much into this. Look, I don’t do long-term, but if that’s what you think is best, then whatever. I’ll leave you alone, but you leave me alone.” He did that damn shrugging his shoulders again. While Daniel was right that Ryan was no typical teenager, he still had some of the same behaviors as them. “It’s too bad, we could have had some fun.”
He stalked out of the house, still shirtless. I walked woodenly to the kitchen, picked it up off the floor, then headed to the door. When I flung the door open, Ryan was standing there poised to knock.
“Big dramatic exits don’t really work when you forget your shirt,” he said, face red in embarrassment and God if that wasn’t a huge turn on.
“Here.” I handed him the shirt and our hands brushed briefly. His eyes lifted to mine and I willed myself to look away but I couldn’t.
“Thanks.” He walked away with his shoulders hunched forward. I wondered if he even realized he was walking that way or if it was just instinctual to him. Staring after him and watching him get in his car, I felt bad. I wasn’t rejecting him, just trying to save both of us.