Karsen
I was having a really hard time keeping all of my emotions in check. I was furious at Booker for showing up out of the blue, disrupting what had been a pretty idyllic life. Granted, I had no idea what my next moves were going to be, but still, how dare he? I was mad at myself for reacting to him. The sound of his deep, raspy voice still sent chills down my spine, and the sight of those haunted, tormented, slate-colored eyes still made my heart skip a beat. On top of all my anger, I was about to explode over Ari’s hysterical phone call. I was a bomb of fury ready to blow and the fuse was lit. It was easy to forget the need for blood and vengeance ran so close to the surface under my skin. I hadn’t allowed that bloodthirsty response to rear its ugly head in years, but when I did, it was so easy to slip back into my ruthless skin. There was no way Troy was going to get away with putting his hands on Ari. He was a creep, had been from the beginning. Now I had a solid excuse to send him packing from my best friend’s life for good.
Logically, I knew the best course of action was to call Dominic. Ari begged me not to. She was embarrassed about the situation, even more so since her brother was the one who hoofed all her stuff to Troy’s over the last couple of days. She was stunned that as soon as Troy got home and saw all her belongings scattered over his apartment, he lost it. She didn’t want Dom to get in trouble if he lost his temper. He was her brother and a cop. If anyone could handle Troy the right way, it was him. But there was a part of me, a huge part, that was elated Booker had shown up when he did. Troy deserved to be handled in all the wrong ways for hurting my friend. For thinking that hitting a woman was ever an option. The law moved slowly and tended to be biased and skewed. Street retribution was swift, exact, and unforgettable. That’s what I wanted Troy to experience. Booker was the man to make that happen. A slap on the wrist and a stern warning wouldn’t do. I wanted broken bones and blood. The man sitting next to me in the snazzy SUV Race bought me to get around in the snowy Colorado winters excelled at both of those things. His entire life was built on broken bones and blood . . . add heartbreak to his repertoire and he was the perfect trifecta of doom. But the sorrow I saw reflected back at me in his eyes was something new. I recognized it in his gaze, because I saw it in my own every time I looked at myself in the mirror.
I had no idea what Booker’s agenda was, why he was here after all this time, but there was no way I was falling into the trap of believing he deserved redemption or any more of my time. Been there, done that, still had the broken heart to show for it. No, he was a bad guy, one who did bad things, not always to bad people. He’d told me that from the start; it was well past time I started believing him and let him go for good.
“Tell me about the boyfriend. He get handsy with your girl before now?” I was so lost in thought I almost forgot he was taking up most of the available space in the front of the SUV. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and realized he wasn’t wearing a suit. He was always dressed impeccably back home. Tailored suits cut to fit his massive frame and conceal his shoulder harness were his go-to. Today, he was in faded jeans, a well-worn leather jacket, and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt. He looked like a biker on vacation, complete with heavy black boots instead of his usual polished wingtips. If it wasn’t for his imposing figure and the unmistakable scar, there was a chance I would have walked past him on the street without a second glance. I wondered if this was his attempt at blending in. If it was, it didn’t work. He still put out some hardcore, badass vibes on top of an unmistakable don’t-fuck-with-me attitude.
“He’s weird. Kind of a lurker. He glommed onto me and Ari at orientation and has been hanging around ever since. Ari is nice, she likes everyone, so she never told him to get lost. He wore her down over the last couple of years, until she agreed to date him. I can’t imagine she would have agreed to live with him if he’d hit her before. But he was really sketchy when she started pressuring him to move in together. I always got the feeling he was trying to wiggle his way out of it, but never could find a way to do it without hurting her.” I frowned. “I don’t like him. He asked me out in the beginning and I turned him down. He took it hard, like really hard, which was weird since we just met. He moved onto Ari pretty quickly after that. I don’t like to be alone in a room with him, but I play nice for her.”
Booker made a noise and started to tap his fingers on his thigh. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed his hands still looked gnarled and abused. He had scars all over the backs of both of them, some little, some big and silvery, like the one on his face. His knuckles were wide, the middle one on each hand sitting at odd angles from repeated fractures. They were ugly hands, used to doing terrible things, but they had always been achingly gentle whenever he touched me. When I was in high school, a crazed terrorist with a vendetta against the Point and most of my family planted a bomb in my school. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, but Booker came in and got me out. I was too shaky, too scared to walk. He picked me up in those massive arms, cuddled me to his chest, and carried me to safety like I was the most precious thing he had ever touched. Those ugly hands could kill, but they could equally soothe and comfort, as well.
“The cop didn’t get a bad vibe off the guy?” Unaware I was obsessing about his hands and all the ways they had touched me throughout the years—and all the ways I’d wished they’d touched me—Booker’s question sounded bland and almost bored.
I shook myself back to the present and blinked at the traffic in front of us. I needed to get my head in the game and out of the past because Ari needed me, and she’d never let me down or hurt me like the man sitting next to me had. I owed her everything. Booker didn’t get anything from me anymore, especially not my forgiveness or understanding. He was only here because I needed him to teach Troy a lesson. Before I left the Point, he tried to drill it into my thick head that he was only good for one thing: causing pain. Right now, that was exactly the kind of man I needed. One with no heart or soul.
“If he did, he never said anything to me. Dom and Ari are close. He practically raised her, but she’s been doing her best to prove she can stand on her own over the last few years so he can move on with his life. I don’t know that she would’ve listened if Dom did tell her to be careful with Troy. She’s stubborn like that. Troy really wooed her. It wasn’t until he got her that his true colors started to show. He was never violent, just acted disinterested and like kind of a douchebag.”
He made another noise and did the thing where he cracked his neck. The noise was terrible and I noticed he was holding himself in a way that kept his weight to one side. He always seemed to have injuries that were healing, and it looked like nothing had changed. “You think he’s armed? Do I gotta worry about bullets flying when we storm into the apartment?”
He turned to look at me, and I hated that his gaze made me flush. I always felt like he was looking inside of me. He was seeing things I tried to hide from everyone else. Sometimes I worried that he would reveal all my secrets, that he would unveil the fact my soul was several shades darker than all the people who loved me believed it to be. On the outside, I might look like I was filled with sunshine and shimmer. On the inside, I often felt like I was made up of every disappointment and heartache I’d suffered at the hands of others. There were a lot of shadows and secrets I kept buried deep, but Booker never seemed to have a problem finding them.
“Troy’s a computer science nerd. A gamer. I don’t think he’s ever seen a real gun. Before tonight I would have described him as totally non-threatening. But what do I know? I guess you never know what someone is capable of.” I cut him a look out of the corner of my eye and was pleased to see my pointed words elicited a cringe from the big man. I was glad he still reacted to me, the way I still responded to him.
“No, you don’t. When a man is pushed into a corner and can’t see a way out, there is no end to the horrible things he will do. Even a timid man can be dangerous when his choices are taken away from him.” His rasp was still sexy as hell. The thread of remorse inside of it was unsettling. He was trying to tell me something but not giving me the words. I’d spent my impressionable youth trying to figure him out. I wasn’t going to waste any more time on the puzzle who was Noah Booker. Not when I knew I was never going to have all the pieces to complete the picture. He never gave anything away, and I always gave him too much.
“He wasn’t backed into a corner, Booker. His girlfriend wanted to move in with him and he wasn’t ready. He could have told her no or broken up with her. He could have explained it wasn’t the right time. There were a lot of other options besides hitting her.” And breaking her heart. Booker just looked at me, an expression I couldn’t distinguish passing over his features.
We lapsed into a stony silence after that. Luckily, Troy’s apartment was only around the corner. When we pulled into the complex, I immediately caught sight of Ari. She was sitting on a curb, a stuffed suitcase next to her. Her dark hair was a wild tangle around her pale face, and her makeup was smeared in garish lines from the tears steadily rolling down her cheeks. She jumped to her feet when she caught sight of my car. I was barely parked before she started running toward me. I met her at the hood, sucking in a breath and releasing it with a torrent of swear words as I noticed her blackening eye and the bruise blooming on her cheekbone. White-hot anger on her behalf had my blood boiling. I wanted Troy to suffer. I wanted him to hurt twice as badly as he had hurt her. The burning need for revenge was scalding the back of my throat and laying bitterly on my tongue.
“Oh, honey. Come on, let’s get you in the car.” I hooked an arm around her neck and towed her to the SUV, stopping when she jerked to a halt, wide eyes locked on Booker as he unfolded from the front seat.
“Who is that?” Her voice was shaky and weak, but the curiosity was strong.
I sighed and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “Don’t worry about him. He’s going to make sure Troy doesn't touch another woman—or anyone else—in anger, ever again.” No one forgot the lessons Booker taught.
“What’s going on, Karsen? Seriously? Where did you find that guy?” She sounded nervous and unsure. “You didn’t call Dom, did you? I swear I’ll call him tomorrow and press charges. I just need to get out of here.” She bit her lip and blinked back a fresh wave of tears. “I need to figure out what to do with all my stuff.”
I shushed her and pressed my lips to her temple. “I’ll help you figure it out. Don’t worry. I didn’t call Dom, but he needs to know.” I didn’t mention anything about the charges, because anything Booker was going to do to Troy was more fitting than whatever the legal system would dole out. “Is Troy inside the apartment?” I met Booker’s gaze over the top of her head. I hoped he could read the message in my eyes clearly. I wanted him to unleash every level of hell he was capable of. If one of the Devil’s own was going to come knocking on my door, the least he could do was punish his demons for wreaking havoc on innocent victims.
He dipped his chin in acknowledgment and started toward the apartment. Ari sniffed loudly and called out, “He’s gone. He took off when I called Karsen. I don’t think he meant to hit me. He seemed as surprised as I was. I’ve never seen him so angry.”
Booker watched her for a second, then turned on the heel of his boot and headed toward the apartment anyway after asking which number was Troy’s. When he got to the front of the building, the outside lights slashed across his face, highlighting that long, white scar. I heard Ari suck in a shocked breath and her hands tightened around mine. My fingers twitched at the pressure, and I couldn’t meet her eyes when she quietly demanded, “Is that him? Karsen! That’s him, isn’t it? The guy from back home who broke you, that’s him.” The last part wasn’t a question.
I groaned and closed my eyes briefly. I should have known Troy would run. He wasn’t the kind of guy who stood his ground. He didn’t have confrontation and fight hammered into him like the men from the Point. He was scared, another emotion the men I was familiar with didn’t know much about. Fear was foreign to them, unless someone they loved, or felt responsible for, was in danger.
I nodded jerkily, forehead bumping into her temple. “That’s him. He showed up right after you left. I punched him in the face.” Suddenly my initial reaction didn’t seem as appropriate, considering the violence Ari had been through tonight. “When you called, I kind of lost my mind and forced him to come with me. I wanted Troy to get a taste of his own medicine.” I blew out a breath and took a step away from her. “Sometimes it feels like I never left home. The things that make sense there don’t make sense anywhere else. I think I would’ve gone off the rails if Booker hadn’t shown up. I would be the one hunting Troy down and trying to pull his testicles out through his nose. I forget how easy it is for that violence and need for revenge to rise up inside of me. But when I saw Booker, it was like being yanked back in time. I knew he would take care of Troy so I wouldn’t have to. I could be mad and get vengeance but keep my hands clean. Everything I’ve done, all the changes I thought I’d made these last four years vanished.” So had the woman I thought I was, or at least the one I thought I was becoming.
Ari sniffled again and lifted her shirt so she could wipe at her face. All she succeeded in doing was smearing the mess around even more. “Why is he here? Why now?”
“He said he’s waited long enough.” I had no clue what he meant, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
Ari looked skeptical but she didn’t say anything as Booker made his way back toward us, phone pressed to his ear. “If I give you a number, can you get me a location on a cell phone?” His eyes were on us, but his attention was on whomever was on the other end of the phone. He grunted and rolled his eyes. “Come on, boy genius, it’s not like I’m asking you to hack into the NSA.” He grunted again and made an impatient gesture with his hand. “I know you could do it, that’s not the point. I need to find someone sooner rather than later. Can you help me out or not?”
He listened quietly for a minute, then looked up at Ari. “Give me the guy’s phone number.”
Ari rattled off a string of numbers and Booker repeated them into the phone. He listened intently for a minute, then told the person who was on the other end, “Thanks, man, I owe you one.” He chuckled but there wasn’t any humor in it. “I’ll try to stay alive long enough to repay you.”
It would’ve been a joke coming from anyone else; from Booker, those words were serious. He was never sure he was going to be around long enough to return that favor—much less any favor—that he called in. I wished the thought of something bad happening to him didn’t make me weak in the knees, but it did. It also had my breath whooshing out through my teeth.
Booker ran his gaze over both of us and turned his attention to me. “Take her home. Put some ice on her face and call the movers coming for your stuff tomorrow. Let them know you’ll pay double if they pick up her stuff from here after they’re done with your place. I’m going to track this kid down and make sure he understands it’s not okay to knock around someone who loves you.” His eyes shifted to Ari and I wanted to scream when they softened as they took in her battered face. That look was supposed to be reserved for me. “I would call your brother. It’s going to be easier coming from you than it will be if someone else fills him in.”
He shifted and moved to walk away when I suddenly realized he didn’t have a car. “Booker.” I stumbled over my words when he paused to look at me over his shoulder. Gone was the remorseful man full of platitudes and apologies. In his place was the man I’d fallen in love with so long ago. In front of me stood a stone-cold killer. “You don’t have a car.” It was dumb, but so was everything that came out of my mouth around this man.
“Don’t need one. I’ll be in touch when shit is handled. You both need to figure out where you’re going from here. Don’t worry about anything beyond that right now.” He nodded, and before I could argue or say anything else, he disappeared into the shadows and blended into the night.
I exhaled slowly and realized Ari was making the same sound. Her eyebrows were lifted, practically to her hairline, as she whispered, “No wonder you never got over him.”
I sighed and pushed at the loose strands of my hair that fell forward and stuck to my face. “Yeah. He’s pretty hard to forget.”
She snorted and tried to hold back a giggle that was slightly hysterical. “He’s scary hot, and, to be honest, just plain scary.”
Funny, I’d never been afraid of him until he showed up at my apartment a couple of hours ago; I was terrified of all the things he still made me feel. “You don’t need to worry about him . . . but Troy sure as hell does. Let’s get out of here and make a plan. As of tomorrow, we’re both technically homeless.”
Ari groaned and wrapped her arms around herself. “Dom is going to be so disappointed in me. I’m supposed to be making better choices than this now. He’s not supposed to have to take care of me anymore.”
I helped her into the front seat and tucked her suitcase into the back. Once I was back behind the wheel I told her, “I don’t think the people who love us ever stop doing everything in their power to protect us.”
And that’s how I knew Booker never felt about me the way I felt about him.
It didn’t matter how many bullets he took for me or how many times he’d saved me. He didn’t protect my heart when I was ready to hand it over. It was the one part of me I’d trusted him to keep safe when I handed it over to him, and instead, he ended up being the biggest danger to it.
It was a good thing I’d learned over the years to protect not only myself but also my heart. I was never going to be so reckless with my love and my fragile heart again.