Karsen
Boulder, Colorado ~ Two days after college graduation
Today I am a college graduate and it is entirely underwhelming.
Four years of hard work and dedication amounted to nothing more than a piece of paper. I’d changed majors twice, starting out in mathematics, thinking I could follow in my big sister’s footsteps and go into accounting. But I’d barely passed my first college-level algebra class, so that career track wasn’t going to pan out. My sophomore year, I focused on collecting general-required credits while I tried to figure out what in the hell I wanted to be when I grew up. Two years later and I was still asking myself the same question. I eventually settled on a political science degree thinking I would go into the legal field. I wasn’t sure I was ready to commit to going to law school, even though Brysen was thrilled at the prospect. There was never a shortage for the need of good legal representation in our family. Having a lawyer in the fold would save everyone a lot of money down the road.
It wasn’t that I didn’t find law fascinating, or that I didn't think I could hack it in law school. My trepidation came from being intimately acquainted with the fact that sometimes good people had to make bad choices. I didn’t see right and wrong in perfect shades of black and white. The place I grew up and the people I was surrounded with were all tinted in varying shades of gray, and I wasn’t sure how that would translate to a career defending laws that didn’t have enough flexibility as far as I was concerned.
I sighed and skirted around one of the endless boxes that filled the apartment I’d shared with Aribella Voss for the last two years. The tiny brunette was a whirlwind of energy and as loud and boisterous as I was quiet and contemplative. She didn’t have any of the same reservations about where she was going as I did when it came to planning out our futures. She was planning to be a nurse practitioner, so there were a few more years of schooling ahead of her which she was eagerly anticipating. She was also moving in with her boyfriend and spending the summer playing house with him. Meaning, I still needed to figure out where I was going to go now that school was over and our lease was up. It didn’t take a first-year psych major to figure out why I hadn’t been more proactive in figuring out my living situation. Even after four years in Colorado, I knew exactly where I wanted to be. I just wasn't sure I was ready to go back. I had no idea if I was strong enough to be in the same city as he was once again.
But as much as I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t going back, I had to. I literally didn’t have a choice in the matter. Brysen and Race were getting married in a few weeks and I was the maid of honor. I promised her I’d be there. It would be the first time I’d been back to the Point since leaving for school. I didn’t go home when one of my sister’s best friends, Reeve Black, had her baby. I didn’t go back when her other best friend, Dovie Pryce, got her degree in social services and used her boyfriend’s ill-gotten gains to open her own center for underprivileged kids. I refused to return, even though the place I called home was obviously getting turned around piece by piece. The streets were no longer a warzone and the people in charge were no longer exploiting the poor and helpless. It was something I wanted to see. It was a dream come true.
But I couldn’t face the memories I left behind in the Point. Luckily, my family had always come to me, looking as out of place in scenic Colorado as I’m sure bubbly, bright Aribella—Ari, for short—would look in my city. It never stopped being funny how uncomfortable all the fresh air and clean living made Race and his best friend Bax whenever they came to town.
“You sure you don’t need any help getting your stuff into storage? Dom said he could get Lando and his little brother to haul it over to the unit for you.” Ari watched me with kind, chocolate-colored eyes. She was the one part of my college experience I was going to miss more than anything. Well, that and her handsome older brother and his drop-dead sexy boyfriend coming to visit. They were an eyeful, both outrageously fit and tall, rocking some impeccable style. I was totally unashamed that I loved watching the easy way they were with each other. It was romantic but also really hot. In fact, we tended to end up with an apartment full of admiring voyeurs when the two of them were around. Especially in the summer when it was hot and they ran around shirtless and sweaty. Ari had been on Dom’s ass to propose to his boyfriend for months. The often serious and soft-spoken cop kept telling her he was waiting for the right time, but Ari was impatient. She was also bossy and relentless, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the dark-haired police officer caved sooner rather than later just to get her to back off. Not to mention the two men were crazy in love. It was clear to anyone who saw the two of them together, they were the real deal. I knew exactly what real love looked like, thanks to watching it fight and struggle to survive in the Point, and I recognized it in them.
I shook my head and stuck a long piece of blonde hair behind my ear. “No. Race hired movers for me. He’s trying to give me time to figure out where I want to go.” He was always considerate like that. I couldn’t ask for a better almost brother-in-law. He took amazing care of my sister, made sure every need I had was met, and didn’t even balk when I told him my best friend was a cop’s little sister. He put on the charm and played the perfect preppy pretty boy whenever Dom was around. I had no idea whether Ari’s older brother bought the act, but if he didn’t, he pretended for my sake. Bax was a different story. When he came to visit . . . and check up on me . . . he stayed as far away from my apartment and any place Dom might show up. It was kind of funny. Big, bad Bax never ran from anything, but he refused to disrupt the simple, no-fuss life I’d built for myself in Colorado. He was the scariest, sweetest, big brother figure a girl could ask for.
Ari giggled and tossed her dark hair over her shoulder in a much sassier move than mine. “We should have done that. Dom threw out his back during the second load and Lando bitched at him for over an hour for doing too much.” She rolled her expressive eyes and pressed her lips together in a mew of annoyance. “Troy should have been here to do most of the heavy lifting anyway. I’m still irritated he bailed at the last minute.”
I bit my tongue so I didn’t blurt out that she couldn’t be surprised by her boyfriend’s lack of consideration. Troy was an asshole. Flaking on their plans, forgetting important dates and events. He also had a wandering eye and treated Ari like she should be thrilled he chose her to grace with his presence. I never liked him or the way he looked at me whenever he was over and Ari wasn’t in the room. He hadn’t even asked her to move in when it was do-or-die time on our lease. In her usual take-no-prisoners way, Ari informed him she was moving in whether he liked it or not. They’d been together for a little over a year, even though he’d been hanging around since we first got to campus four years ago. He actually asked me out first, back when I was sure I was never going to date anyone, ever. He’d acted shattered by my rejection, but pretty quickly turned to winning over my roommate. Ari was reluctant for a long time, but eventually he wore her down, only to walk over her as soon as she caved. I’d secretly hoped the entire time they were together she would see the light and dump him. No such luck.
She picked up one of the last little boxes that had her stuff in it and walked over to wrap me in a one-armed hug. She squeezed me so hard I squeaked before hugging her back. She touched her forehead to mine and whispered, “We’re going to be okay, Karsen. Whatever happens, we’ll be fine. All you have to do is show up for the wedding. You don’t have to commit to anything beyond that.” I nodded and she pulled back so she could drop a kiss on my cheek. “He’s not going to be there. Brysen promised you wouldn’t have to see him, and you know Race will castrate him if he comes anywhere near you. You let him take your home away from you; don’t let him come between you and your family any more than he already has. You’ve given him enough.”
She’d been telling me that since the night I’d slammed too much Fireball and spilled my guts about why I picked a school so far away from home. She knew all the sordid details and why I never quite fit in with all our classmates. College for me was a refuge, a hideaway more than a guide to figure out my future.
I gave her a similar kiss on her upturned cheek and whispered, “As long as we are giving advice, you should know that if Troy is showing you who he is, believe him. Don’t try and turn him into something he’s not because you don’t think you have other options. You do.” She was beautiful, bright, vivacious, and had one of the kindest hearts I’d ever encountered. The world was wide open and hers for the taking. She didn’t need to grab onto the first boy who made her feel special, especially if he was going out of his way to treat her as anything but. Booker never bothered to hide who he was; I simply refused to see it. They said love was blind for a reason.
“You’ll call me and let me know every little detail.” It was an order, not a question. “And I want pictures of Brysen in her dress and you in yours.” Ari wanted to be my plus-one, but I’d spent three months talking her out of it. She didn't need to see the Point, didn’t need her optimistic view of the world forever altered. It would be so much easier to face going home with my best friend by my side, but I wanted her to remain my best friend, and the Point had the ability to demolish everything pure and good. I even enlisted Dom’s help to talk some sense into my hardheaded friend. She was stubborn to a fault but she listened to her big brother when he told her something wasn’t a good idea. I wished he had warned her about what a douche Troy was. I’d mentioned my concerns to him in passing, but Dom insisted Ari had to learn lessons of the heart on her own. All the Voss siblings were that way. They had to figure out the things that hurt on their own.
I walked with her to her car, waving goodbye until she was out of sight. There was a pang in my chest that my carefully planned days were no longer scheduled and predictable. I had too much time on my hands to obsess and remember when my routine was out of whack. Sighing, I made my way back into the mostly empty apartment. The movers were coming bright and early in the morning to throw my stuff in storage until I came up with a plan. I was supposed to be on a plane back to the Point tomorrow afternoon and I hadn’t even packed yet. Every time I thought about going back home, I froze and had a mini panic attack. I wasn’t so sure I was tough enough to make it on the streets of the Point anymore. I hadn’t been strong enough to stay and fight for the place I’d always called home. I’d let him run me off like a scared little bunny, and I’d forged armor over the past four years to steel my heart from getting hurt again.
I’d forced myself to become bulletproof. Noah Booker had seen to that.
He shattered me. Left me in a million pieces. All of them fragile and tender to the touch.
Turning around, looking at what had been my home for the past four years, I realized that the apartment was too quiet and too empty. There was too much space for my mind to wander, and I didn’t have anything else to focus on. The reins to yank my thoughts back from the brink were nonexistent.
It had been four years and I still saw Booker with those girls every time I closed my eyes. I heard him saying I was anything but easy, and the woman who walked me to the door calling me a little girl. The scene still made my guts churn and caused my head to throb.
I should be over it. I knew that. I told myself that very thing no less than five times a day.
It was a crush that spiraled out of control and consumed me. Booker never promised me anything or even gave so much as a hint that there would ever be an us. I built him up in my head into some kind of mythical creation that would right everything that was wrong in my world, the way Race did for Brysen. I’d foisted all my hopes and dreams onto his broad shoulders, without him even realizing it and without stopping to consider he might not want that responsibility.
I screwed up and I was still dealing with the fallout. No matter how many young men I had dated, or how successful I had been in other areas of my life, I couldn’t escape the confines of the memories that held me hostage in that doorway four years ago. It was nearly impossible to recover when all your foolish dreams died. It was stupid. It made me feel weak and immature, but I was stuck and I hadn’t figured out the thing that would finally set me free.
I aimlessly stacked a few boxes closer to the front door. Ari’s TV was gone, and I missed having something to turn on for background noise. I figured I could use my laptop and stream something while I forced myself to pack. Brysen would track me down and come get me if I wasn't on that flight tomorrow, and I owed her more than that. Distancing myself from her and the life she was building back home had been the hardest part of walking away from my former life.
Tying my hair up in a knot on the top of my head, I wandered down the hallway that was now barren. I counted my steps to keep focused and to keep myself from thinking about him. It was annoying that he was always there, hovering on the periphery. Physically I had grown . . . mentally, I still often felt like the newly eighteen-year-old girl pining after Booker. Time was supposed to heal all wounds, but mine felt like it was still wide open and bleeding all over the place. Every time I thought it was starting to scab over at the edges, something would happen, some memory would resurface, and it was ripped open once again. The ache was a familiar part of me now.
Ari had left her bedroom door open and that pang I’d felt watching her drive away hit me again. I was going to miss her sunny smile and infectious laughter. I was going to be lonely without her filling up the space we shared with her huge personality and sharp wit. I spent so much time trying to figure out who I was and what in the hell I was doing, it was refreshing to be around someone so comfortable in their skin. I’d learned a lot from Ari over the years, and hopefully, she’d picked up some street smarts and a little savvy from me in return—especially where Troy was involved.
My door was shut. I was hiding the fact that hardly any of my personal belongings were packed away yet. It felt so final. Once my clothes, jewelry, and books were all in boxes, it meant I had to decide where it was all going and I wasn’t ready to make that call. It would be so nice to know where I belonged. I was so sick of being the square peg trying to cram myself into a round hole.
Knowing I couldn’t hide away forever, I twisted the knob and pushed open my bedroom door. The momentum pulled me forward and right into the arms of someone waiting on the other side. Belatedly, I realized the light was off and we’d left the front door wide open when we walked down to Ari’s car. I knew better. An unlocked door was practically an open invitation to let any manner of creeper into your space.
I opened my mouth to scream, my hands lifting to claw at the intruder’s eyes and face. I might not have been in the Point anymore, but I still remembered every single lesson Race drilled into my head when it came to self-defense. I knew how to fight back and that’s exactly what I was going to do . . . until a familiar, deep, and raspy voice said my name.
“Karsen.”
It was just my name, nothing special or unique about it. But the man who said it, the one holding me so close while I screamed, kicked, and clawed, he’d been the most special person in my entire world. Until he wasn’t. Until he didn’t want to be any longer. Until he made himself crystal clear.
“Booker.” I got his name out on a gasp and was immediately released. I would have fallen to the floor if his large, scarred hands hadn’t reached out and locked around my upper arms. He reacted as if the simple touch burned him, because he dropped me a second later and I had to grab the door to keep myself on my feet.
It had been so long . . . too long . . . but still not long enough. It was never going to be long enough.
Before I could think about what I was doing or why I was doing it, I balled my hand into a fist and swung at his face. Obviously, he wasn't expecting the attack because he didn’t move or bother to block the strike. Instead, I clocked him on the cheek, which whipped his head to the side. My fingers stung as I shook them out and his dark-gray eyes glittered with something dangerous as he lifted his fingers to the reddening spot.
“That’s one way to say hello.” The rough timbre of his voice still had the power to make my knees weak and send shivers racing down my spine.
I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him. “I’m about to say goodbye. Get out of my apartment . . . Now.” I wasn't ready for him, not now, not ever.
He shook his head and I noticed his dark hair now had threads of silver through it at the temples. He was twenty-six when we met, twenty-eight when he broke my heart, which meant he was now in his early thirties. Young for silver hair, but considering how many times he’d almost died while I lived in the Point—who knows how many more times that’d happened since I left—his aging prematurely made sense.
“Karsen.” My name again, but there was so much he wasn’t saying in that simple acknowledgement.
“I’m serious. Get out, Booker. There’s a reason I’ve been gone for four years . . . that’s you. I never want to see you again.” I wanted to shove him out the door and put my foot in his ass, but he was too damn big.
Slowly, he shook his head, mouth set in a hard line, steely eyes unflinching as he told me. “I’m not going anywhere.” I shivered and instinctively took a step backward. “I’ve waited long enough.”
I blinked stupidly and tried to follow where he was going. My senses were all scrambled from being this close to him after such a long time. “Waited long enough for what?” I sounded as confused as I felt.
His eyes sharpened and narrowed. His mouth quirked into something that may have been a grin on a less-imposing man. The scarred eyebrow danced upward as he took a step toward me, his intent shining bright and clear in his eyes. “For you. I’ve waited long enough for you, Karsen.”