Even though I’d returned, full of hope and plans, Penny avoided me like I carried an infectious disease, and I heard from Angel that she would be heading back to Montana for a break. But I couldn’t help but think it was all my own doing; it was my fault she was leaving. I’d gone against my promise, left and not told her why. And look where it got us.

No longer would I be able to see her everyday, and my heart ached just at the thought.

Would she even return before my deployment came to a end?

I mulled over my predicament while the majority of my squad silently busied themselves in the surgical tent, tidying up but keeping their distance from me after a successful surgery. It didn’t matter that it had gone well, I’d been a surly bastard, barking orders and was quick to scold them for the slightest mistake.

Even Angel gave me a wide berth. The wise older woman’s anger had passed as rapidly as it had been expressed after she first spotted me back in the camp, and we seemed to be back on good terms now, thankfully. I had to admit, I never wanted to be on the receiving end of a tongue-lashing from her again.

But, I desperately wanted to see Penny, especially if it was going to be the last time ever. I needed to see her smile, to let her know I understood why she’d reacted the way she did on that fateful day, that I was sorry for making her feel so bad, and explain fully why I had to leave.

I’d moved heaven and earth to return and battled not only the army but my father too to agree to let me leave England so abruptly. My superiors thought it too soon but understood my need to bury myself in my work and agreed. Father, on the other hand, of course was concerned with the optics of my sudden departure, and perhaps even reluctant to have another one of his children put in harms way, voluntarily, though he never actually came out and said that. Granted the medical camps here were not as bad as some places, we weren’t in a war zone, regardless there was still danger to be found.

So I got back as quick as I could. I needed her forgiveness for leaving without a word and making a somewhat minor argument escalate into something so much more. If it really was the end, then I didn’t want us to part on such a sour note.

It would be unlikely that I would ever see her again once she went home. And the last thing I wanted was for her to think that I had used her, or that I’d assumed she just wanted a bit of fun, or even worse that she thought that I didn’t care about her. That was far from the truth, I wanted so much more with her.

I could only guess at what might have made her explode like that, to be so unhappy, so afraid. But something that Angel had let slip made me connect the dots; someone Penny had loved hadn’t come back from service, and she was unable to trust me because of it. I couldn’t blame her. Especially with all the secrets I was keeping from her.

She was right not to, after all. And though in the grand scheme of things I didn’t have long left myself, I still had to follow orders and as such I could be posted anywhere at a moment’s notice, whisked away from Chad and Penny and sent into a much worse situation or dangerous conflict.

But I also knew something she didn’t, and that was that no matter how much I liked her, or cared about her, that there was probably little I could do about it despite what Victoria had urged.

Despite Frederick’s letter.

It was all well and good a seventeen-year-old acting on impulse—Vicky’s youth could explain away any trouble she got herself into. And though Frederick probably meant well, I was coming to the conclusion taking cues from my brother beyond the grave was not in my best interest.

Frederick, God love him, wanted me to be happy, to throw away years of tradition and formality and to embrace what I loved regardless of what it meant for the monarchy. Easier said than done. I wasn’t just a prince, I was a soldier. I followed orders, I’d built my life around it. Around here, if you didn’t follow orders, the very worst happened.

So, how could I in good conscious do away with something that was deeply apart of me and live with the inevitable fallout? It was in my bones… I’d even scolded my own father, the king, for trying to shirk off the traditions of the monarchy that held the ageing institution together.

I groaned and discarded the medical waste from the surgery I’d performed. I could feel myself almost splitting in two; one half of me wishing I could put Frederick’s advice into action. The other half rued the day I’d opened the damn thing, wished he was still alive and that the world was a more forgiving place.

But I couldn’t wish not having met Penny. That was something I could not, in good conscience, convince myself would be better all around. Nope, meeting her, even with the turmoil that came alongside would still be a highlight in my life.

Still I had lied to her, betrayed her trust by omitting the God-awful truth about who I really was. But how in the hell did I go about telling her that now? Maybe it was best to leave things left unsaid… what she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her. And I’d already caused her too much pain as it was.

“Are you coming tonight?” Mark’s voice intruded on my reverie. It was amazing how much thinking you could do while cleaning up.

They were throwing a little party to send Penny off in style. Really, it was just another excuse for everyone to get merry and forget about the pain they encountered everyday.

I’d been torn, had mulled over the decision all day, trying to figure out what was for the best. I wanted to be there, but I didn’t want to ruin her night at the same time. Because I knew if I saw her, I’d want to talk to her, and then that would only lead me to wanting to touch her, and kiss her. Or, fuck, to make love to her.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “There is that amputation to do, and those heart ops if the right drugs get delivered, that desperately need doing. I may just work on through. Besides I doubt I would be welcome.”

Mark’s face fell. “That means you’ll want me to work through too, right?” he asked cautiously.

“Not at all. You go have fun chasing Amy around the dance floor. Bill will be around, granted he’s not as good as you, but he can cope with everything that needs doing.”

“Phew, Captain, you had me worried there for a second, I thought you were going to take away all my rest privileges!”

A beat passed between us, like he wanted to say something more.

“Spit it out.”

“It won’t be the same around here without Penny,” he said looking at me closely.

I hadn’t told a soul about what had happened between us—the least I could do for her was be a gentleman in that regard—but it seemed that the entire camp knew everything anyway. And equally wondered that since I was back why wasn’t anything happening. It was like being in a soap-opera. I glared at him fiercely.

“Just saying, she’s a nice girl and always so bright and positive, well that was until…

“…I came back.”

“Everyone loves her,” he backtracked.

Yes, they did, I thought.

“Keep your opinions to yourself or I’ll have you demoted,” I growled.

What with coming back to a luke-warm welcome, Frederick’s death and letter still playing on my mind, I had been like a bear with a sore head, and I knew I shouldn’t be taking out my frustrations on my squad.

He was right; she would be missed… I missed her already, and longed to have just one more moment with her, with her back in my arms where she belonged. I didn’t know what I was going to do without her. She was a fantastic medic, but an even better person. She took time with people—even though we had none really to spare. She made every child she treated feel special, and every parent feel supported. I could feel my throat becoming thick and it wouldn’t do to break down in front of Mark.

“Get out of here before I change my mind and make you work through,” I said, turning away from him so he couldn’t see the emotion upon my face. I distracted myself by putting away the kit we’d been using on the last operation, ready to be sterilised.

“Yes, sir!” Mark scarpered, not waiting to be told a second time.

I sank onto the operating table, and perched there trying to clear my head, trying to get her out of it as well as the echoes from my brother’s letter. Both were proving to be an impossible task.

Being here was doing crazy things to me, I thought, and I finally admitted to myself that maybe I’d made a mistake coming back so early, or at all. Maybe it was a blessing that this could be my final posting. I had seen too much pain, too much suffering in my time in the service, and I would not miss that aspect one bit if I let.

Perhaps I wasn’t strong enough, or my heart was too susceptible. Either way I’d seen enough torment to last me several lifetimes.

I had always believed that the worst thing you could ever experience in life was having to patch up a friend, a colleague, on the surgical table. Yet over the years I had learned that it was burying them that hurt the most.

I loved my brother dearly, but the thought of never seeing Penny again was ranking right up there, claiming the number one spot that twisted my heart in agony. I wouldn’t ruin her party—at least I would try not to—but I was damn well going to see her. I had to.

Just one last time.

Then I would let us both move on.

* * *

Forcing myself to eat, I sat hunched and miserable at a table still debating with myself on the best course of action to take when the doors to the canteen burst open.

“Supply vehicles are approaching, Captain,” Claire yelled at me as she ran into the canteen. I threw down my sandwich and we both ran out to meet the steady stream of laden trucks.

Finally we would have sufficient antibiotics and anti-coagulants to ensure we could do all the surgeries we needed to. I prayed hard that there might be the bypass machine somewhere amongst the crates, which I had comically requested from the army quartermasters pretty much the first day I’d arrived. Angel thought I was mad, she’d been trying for months to get one and nothing had come of it, but I thought the least I could do was try from my end.

Claire flung open the thick canvas flaps at the back of the MAN truck; a heavy military cargo vehicle specifically designed to navigate harsh and unforgiving terrain. It had pulled up outside the command tent. She disappeared inside, and I could hear her whooping with pleasure at everything she found inside.

“It’s all here!”

She was almost dancing as I hoisted myself up and poked my head inside.

“Everything?” I asked incredulously. I had to admit the list of requirements I’d sent had been highly over-optimistic. I’d hoped that they would take pity on me and send perhaps half of the things I listed, and even then the list was long.

“Look at the manifest, it’s all here! I hate to say it, but I reckon the fact it was your name on the bottom of it made them buck up their ideas a bit. Give the boy what he wants, so he doesn’t badmouth the supply chain when you de-mob.”

I didn’t want to think that my name ever got me any favours, but for once if it had, I was grateful. The permanent teams here needed every bit of kit that this vast support vehicle contained… as did the ones that needed it the most; the refugees.

“Anybody around to help us unload and get all this stuff set up?” I asked her.

“The MSF guys were playing volleyball down at the rec,” she said thoughtfully. “And I believe that Shane is about somewhere.”

Shane was a volunteer, but we had found out pretty early on in his month-long stay that he was also a medical engineer back at home. His skills would be priceless in getting everything up and running, I considered. But like Penny, he would be going home the next day. It seemed wrong to drag him from the celebrations—but I had a feeling that he would be more than pissed at us all if we didn’t give him the choice to help.

“He was in the canteen earlier. I’ll go and get him, and rustle up some more volunteers to give us a hand unloading,” I said, leaving her to continue to work through the manifest.

I knew by the time I returned, she would have quickly allotted each bit of kit to where it was needed the most, and would be ready to direct us all where we needed to take it. I almost laughed as I saw her take out her pencil from behind her ear and start making her notes before I’d even turned away. It was a blessing being the Commanding Officer of a team that needed no commands.

It wasn’t long before the entire camp was out in force, long snake-like lines of people passing boxes of medicines, bandages, and other sundries from the truck to the hospital supplies areas. This was the distraction I sorely needed, letting my muscles work and tire me out, and I barely had time to think about Penny, though as always she was still there in the back of my mind.

My team was unloading the sensitive machines and moving them slowly and carefully to the places Claire had allotted them. I worried just for a moment that Angel would be unhappy at this usurping of her position, but she was busy tucking syringes and vaccines away inside the adult tent, a huge grin all over her face.

“Captain, we can’t thank you enough,” she said, as for once she was able to look in her cupboards and see everything she needed.

I gave her a weak shrug. “I only requested it, Angel. I never thought it would all come. And I am so glad they have said the equipment can stay even once we are no longer here too,” I admitted.

“Well, sugar, whenever I put in an order like that it tends to get ignored. So whatever you did to make this happen, I will be always in your debt.”

I left her then practically giddy, as Mark and I headed towards the operating theatre with the new heart bypass machine. Shane had already made space for it and was busy making sure that the electrical circuits would be able to support it.

Shane had all of the machines, including a brand new portable CAT scanner and better, more reliable, lab equipment so that we could undertake more pathology work on site, up and running in a matter of hours. I didn’t waste any time and soon had my first heart patient hooked up to the bypass machine to undertake the surgery that might just save his life.

The man on my table was a father of three, but he had lost his wife to diphtheria the year before. His boys needed him, and I was determined that they wouldn’t lose him for many years to come. Even Mark had decided to give up his rest privileges to assist, and every team was busy undertaking tasks they could only have dreamed about the day before.

Exhausted but better for it, Mark and I finally finished cleaning up the operating theatre after midnight. All of our patients were doing well, and we felt undeniably proud.

“Shit, we have a party to get to!” Mark said as he noticed the time.

“I saw Penny running around the children’s hospital when I nipped out to the loo between surgeries. Everyone has been doing the same as us, my friend. I doubt it will be much of a party—we’ll all be too tired,” I said, but I couldn’t help myself from smiling.

In the moment that I’d caught a glimpse of Penny she had looked so alive, so damn happy; finally able to make a difference for so many of her patients. And I realised just how much I had missed seeing her happy, her beautiful face free from worry. The camp, and my life, would most definitely be a duller place without her.

“Let’s go get cleaned up and at least toast the poor girl on her way, I won’t take no for an answer,” Mark said slapping me on the back. I whacked him back, right between the shoulder blades. He choked and spluttered trying to get his breath back.

“What was that for?”

“Being overly familiar with a senior officer,” I joked. He grinned back and rotated his arms and shoulders to ease his muscles.

* * *

The canteen was full of light and noise when we got back to the residential areas. Music was pounding out into the night, and we could hear the many toasts to the new kit, to the army for providing it, and to Shane, and an absent Penny, for a safe journey home.

We entered, and as a huge cheer went up, I couldn’t help but blush. I found it difficult to accept the thanks for this. All I had done was request what we’d needed, but I had to admit it was amazing how much had been given. Another round of toasts began as plastic beakers of beer were thrust into our hands.

I drank thirstily and tried to disappear into a corner. I was tired and more than content to observe the mini celebrations. It had been a crazy day and it was good to watch everyone having fun. It was probably for the best that I stayed out of the way; an observer rather than a participant, plus I would be able to see Penny for the last time without making her uncomfortable—that was if she ever showed up.

Mark and Amy were dancing like horny teenagers in the centre of the room, clearly they had forgotten that other people were all around them, or maybe they didn’t care. It made me smile to see them enjoying each other, but I truly wished they could leave a little more to the imagination… or perhaps that was my jealously talking, I thought.

Angel was flirting with Shane. They made an odd couple, Angel towered over the diminutive engineer, but he seemed more than happy to be pushed around the makeshift dance floor. And Claire was flirting outrageously with one of the MSF doctors. But I couldn’t see the one person my eyes searched for; Penny was nowhere to be found.

After about an hour, I’d had enough of watching other people enjoying themselves—my heart and maybe the alcohol urging my brain to order my legs to go search for her—and decided to get some fresh air.

I got up and eased my exhausted frame out into the cool air of the dark night and walked slowly over to the edge of the camp. We’d wandered out to that spot that first day, when Penny twisted her ankle, and I’d gravitated to it ever since whenever I needed to take a minute for myself.

At one point if you turned your back to the camp all you could see was the vast, empty land in front of you. It stretched for miles, only occasionally broken up by a clump of trees, or a flat-topped rocky outcrop. Africa was an achingly beautiful country. Yet if you turned the other way, for miles and miles were the masses of marquee tents, filled to the brim with the displaced, the sick, and the frightened. It seemed to me that this little slice of Africa was so like the others; stunning beauty and abject poverty side by side, nestled together, one not able to be without the other and I wished dearly it wasn’t so.

I let my legs lead me further along the perimeter, not really questioning where I was going, only glad to finally have had a day where what lay behind me hadn’t felt so futile, and enjoying the beauty before my weary eyes. Frederick would’ve loved it out here, I thought, and regretted not spending more time with him in between my tours.

The sky was a midnight blue, with a hazy pearlescent light along the horizon. It was one of the things I always found intriguing, although it got so black that you couldn’t see your hand in front of your own eyes, these brief moments never seemed to last long. This almost romantic light that allowed you to see for miles, that was how I always thought of Africa.

There was a figure up ahead of me and I knew in an instant that it was Penny.

Her distinctive silhouette—her curves that I wanted to just lose myself in again—urged me closer. My heart thudded a call to her, and I could feel the butterflies in my belly begin to writhe and clatter.

I paused for a moment drinking her image in.

Penny hadn’t seen me yet and I could so easily turn back, not let her know I was there and she would be none the wiser, and mostly likely grateful that I’d let her be and steered clear of her like she seemed to want. But if this truly was going to be the last time I ever got to drown myself in those warm hazel eyes with magical flecks of green then I had to risk getting closer. I’d regret it otherwise.

Frederick would be disappointed if I didn’t at least try.

I supposed I owed him that… maybe I even owed it to myself.

I could honestly say that I’d never been so on edge around another person before—this was it, this would be the last time I would ever see her—not even my strict grandmother had caused this type of panic or anxiety within me when she’d reprimanded me about a poor choice that had been picked up by the paparazzi when I was foolish and headstrong at seventeen.

A friend of mine had thrown a party, and the theme had been Russia. I could beat myself silly for it now, but I was foolish enough to go dressed as Rasputin, the man who had reputedly brought down my distant relatives’ reign. Nobody had thought it funny. I suppose it wasn’t, but the costume had style. But, at least I didn’t stick to my original idea to go as Yeltsin. And since the former Russian President was still in power at the time, I had maturely decided against it, so it wasn’t as if I hadn’t thought about it… But the press had had a field day, and all my activities had been vetted carefully and with prejudice for years afterwards.

And yet, that was nothing in comparison to the way my hands shook now. Penny reduced me to a trembling wreck and I only prayed that I didn’t say something stupid, or come across like a bumbling fool in our last moments together.

It felt like my skin was on fire and as I approached her I coughed quietly, making my presence known, not wanting to startle her.

“Hey,” I said softly as I drew closer.

Penny took a moment before saying, “Hey.” There was a touch of sadness coating her greeting that had me wanting to comfort her.

I stood by her side and we both gazed out to the quiet landscape before us.

“I may be wrong, but shouldn’t you be at your own going away party?”

“I probably should, but I wanted to soak it all up before I went. You rarely get a moment to notice how stunning, how awesome this place is when you’re running around like a headless chicken all day,” she said, her focus still upon the horizon. “I’d like to see the sunrise. I remember the first sunset I saw, all those months ago when I first arrived. But I’ve never had the time to see the sun come up again, not properly anyway.”

“Would you like some company?” I asked her nervously, hoping that she wouldn’t turn me away. Not again.

“If you want,” she said without any real conviction as she found a spot on the ground to sit on. I sank down onto the patch of tufty, dry grass beside her, willing myself to not jinx or spoil the moment with my blundering mouth. But I knew I had to find the courage to at least tell her how bad I’d felt about how things had ended before they’d even really begun… and how much I would miss her and perhaps to explain and tell her who I really was.

A few minutes passed before I thought I’d gotten my nerves under control. “So, how long will you be away for?”

“I’m not sure. Angel said to play it by ear.”

“Best listen to her then, she’s always right.”

Penny murmured an agreement. I was opening my mouth to ask her another question when she got there first.

“Why did you leave?”

I drew in a long breath, held it, then let it out slowly, playing for time; trying to figure out the right words. The truth or ones veiled to protect her?

“It had nothing to do with you. That I can assure you.” I winced as I heard the words coming out of my mouth, they sounded wrong, like I hadn’t even considered her. “A family emergency,” I finally decided upon.

She instantly turned to me, worry in her eyes. “Hopefully nothing serious?”

Unable to look at her without feeling like my heart was about to burst, I glanced away. “Very.”

“What happened?” she asked softly. “Is there anything I can do to help… Sorry, that was a silly thing to say.”

“It’s okay. Thanks for asking.”

“So?” she pushed, her eyes imploring. Wanting to know more, wanting to know me.

“I can’t—”

“You can’t tell me? Thought as much,” she finished for me. She turned away from me, hurt. She had every right to be. This was no way to be with someone, hiding who and what you were from them.

“I wish I could.”

“So do I. I don’t understand what the big secret is? It’s like you work for the secret service—or what is it in the U.K.?—”

“MI6.”

“Yes, it’s like you’re some sort of spy and not an army doc. Sorry, I just don’t understand.”

“I know and that is entirely my fault.” I looked to the fading stars and sought some divine help. I desperately needed it. “Maybe we should change the subject?”

“Maybe… or maybe we should stop talking altogether,” she said, words crystallised in ice.

“Penny, I didn’t mean to hurt you before or now. I’ll go, leave you be.”

“Wait, you didn’t, Rob, not really. I overreacted. I thought I could cope with the frivolity of it all… but I can’t.”

I gazed at her sad face, touched by the use of a shortening of my name. Nobody but my siblings ever called me Rob, and I had always preferred it to Robert. Well apart from Vicky who sometimes enjoyed teasing me by using Bert or Bertie as a nickname for me.

“Penny, I do care about you. More than I probably should,” I admitted, but for some reason the real truth—the secret I’d been hiding from her—still wouldn’t break free from my lips. I wanted to be honest with her. Needed to tell her who I was, and why everything would be impossible. But the words would not form, they dried up on my lips and we simply sat in silence. I edged closer to her, hoping that my physical presence would reassure her that I wasn’t just someone who only wanted her for one thing. She didn’t move away and I felt that was at least something.

“I lost my dad a few years ago, he was in the military too,” she started surprising me with this volunteered bit of information. Angel had eluded to something of the sort but hadn’t gone into details. “I think I’m only coming to terms with it, processing it and dealing with the fallout… so please know I do understand what you might be going through if I’m right in the reason why you had to leave so suddenly.”

I was pleasantly surprised when I felt her cold but incredibly soft and comforting hand slip into mine. I clasped it gently, squeezing her fingers, not daring to say a word in case she pulled away again.

“So if you need to talk, even if you have to do it in code, know that I’m here. For you. Right now, and I won’t breathe a word of what you say to me to anyone. I’ll take it to my grave.”

“My brother,” I whispered, closing my eyes. A tear slipped free, but I didn’t wipe it away.

Penny bowed her head, gathered her strength and turned to me. “I’m so sorry, Rob.”

We stared out across the vista for what seemed like forever—we didn’t need to speak anymore, it was enough to have her next to me, to have her support. She didn’t find it necessary to dig any deeper or offer up any further condolences, being there was all I needed.

“I can’t believe he’s gone. It’s not real. Hasn’t sunk in yet, you know?”

She nodded. “Give it time, and give yourself time to grieve too. Don’t do what I did and bottled it all up. How’s your family coping?”

“They’re coping,” I said. “Shell-shocked if I’m being honest.”

“And they didn’t mind you coming back out here… so soon?”

“I didn’t give them much of choice, not really. God that sounds horrible doesn’t it? Like I couldn’t get away fast enough. But it wasn’t that… something my brother and actually my sister said that made me realise my place was back here. Besides, I missed you too.”

“I missed you too,” she repeated, her head dropping to lean on my shoulder. “So you have more siblings?”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “there are a five of us. Two sisters and two brothers. Four of us now.”

“Big family,” she commented. “I always wondered what it would be like to have that many brothers and sisters. All crammed in the same house together, torturing each other of course, but nevertheless getting along.”

“Oh, believe me there’s a lot of torture. I’m the middle child and well trust me when I say it’s a difficult spot to be in sometimes.”

“I can imagine. But I think if I were ever to have kids, it would nice you know, to have so many… so they all had each other to play with and in tough times.”

“Really?” I perked up. “You want lots of kids?”

Penny nodded and smiled up at me. “Yup, well… I did. I mean I still do, but for now I think helping the children out here has topped my broodiness.”

“You would make a great mum,” I said, resisting the temptation to kiss her.

“One day perhaps. How about you?” she asked, hesitantly. “You want kids?”

“Despite my own hectic family, I want as many babies as the woman I fall in love with wants… and hopefully that’s a lot.”

Penny huddled closer to me and went quiet. I could feel her shivering a little as that purely dark moment came and the night was inky black. I put my arm around her, trying to offer up my body warmth as some kind of parting gift to her. She nuzzled into my body, and I could feel her breath on my neck. I waited, almost unable to breathe, trying not to anticipate anything, but to enjoy holding her close to me. She pulled away, and for a moment I felt bereft, but then I felt her looking over at me.

All of a sudden she moved, coming closer, and with a careful touch upon her waist I helped her get to her intended destination. She ended up straddled upon my legs and she sank down into my lap.

“I thought you wanted to see the sunrise?” I asked softly as I caressed her face, puzzled and surprised by her actions but loving them all the same.

My hands gripped her waist lightly, tentatively. Ready to let go if she changed her mind. Instead she remained there, allowing her weight to settle on me. I gripped her tightly now, anchoring my hands above her hips, and she took my face in her hands. I hardly dared to move but having her nestled upon my lap was making it awfully difficult to hold back and not give into the moment and rip her clothes off.

“I’d rather look into your eyes,” she said breathlessly.

Fuck holding back, I thought.

I cupped a hand around her neck and kissed her so deeply that I thought we’d both be in danger of falling into a dream-like state. I was completely lost, and though I knew I should probably stop it from going any further, should say something to prevent it, I knew in my deepest of hearts that I didn’t have the strength to pull away, and kissed her again, without mercy.