“Now, sugar, you tell me what is going on. This isn’t like you,” she said as she sat me down on my dishevelled bunk. How could I put into words the worries that buzzed around my head? It was impossible to pinpoint or catch them and I couldn’t tell her a thing.

“Well, you get some rest. I’m here if you want to talk. And perhaps, I think we might need to send you home for a bit of R&R. You’re due a small break after the months you’ve been here.”

“No,” I exclaimed, finally finding my voice. That was the last thing I wanted; I couldn’t go home like this, a failure. I had to do this. “I’m fine, Angel. You need me here.”

“Yes, I do, but in one piece. And you don’t seem the same anymore.”

“I’m okay, honestly.”

“So, what was that all about out there? You know you can’t fool my old eyes.”

I shook my head, then buried it in my hands. “Oh, I just did something really stupid,” I said between my fingers, the words coming out muffled.

“I guessed that something was up between you and the captain, but to be fair doing anything with that gorgeous hunk of man flesh isn’t stupid, my girl! You should be on cloud nine… unless… did he hurt—”

“No!” I gasped and shook my head. How could she think such a thing? “No, he was very…”

I could feel my cheeks flushing an unattractive shade of crimson. Angel smiled knowingly. “It— He… was everything I ever wanted… and didn’t think I needed. But it’s pointless. He will be leaving this deployment before I know it, travelling to wherever the Royal Army sends him next. God knows where. And I’ll never see him again.” I threw my hands and arms up in frustration.

I knew that this would happen and yet I didn’t listen to that internal little voice to leave well enough alone. I should’ve stayed clear of Captain Haven, should’ve docked my little boat, my heart aboard, somewhere far, far away from his port.

“Is it that you think you won’t see him, or that you are scared something might happen to him, sugar?”

She paused and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears.

“Who didn’t come home?” she asked gently.

Like always, Angel saw right through me and got to the heart of the matter. It was too late to stop them; silent tears were rolling down my cheeks.

“My pop,” I said with a sigh.

She stroked my back and encouraged me to let it all out.

“He was on his last tour. Was due to come home to us forever. But he never came back.” I tried swallowed the emotion away as I said what caused him to be killed. “An IED got him and his squad. None of them made it out alive.”

Angel closed her eyes and pulled me towards her. I wailed unable to hold it in any longer, and a torrent of saved tears, ones that I had kept buried deep down inside as I tried to be strong for my mom—tried to be strong for myself—came to the surface and flooded out of me. I had been so brave, so strong for so long, trying to be the one that took care of my mom, that I’d never really managed to let myself grieve for my dad, let alone everything else that had occurred afterwards. But I knew that if I let even just one tear slip through that it would break down the entirety of my flimsy walls leaving me completely shattered and fit for nothing.

The exhaustion, and the fear that something similar could happen to Robert had me feeling raw and vulnerable all over again.

“Oh poor baby,” Angel crooned as she rocked me tenderly. “No wonder you came out here, you wanted to try and save somebody, anybody right?”

I knew she didn’t expect me to answer, but as I sobbed I knew she was right and it hadn’t ever occurred to me, not really. Yet my actions in light of everything made sense; I had become a doctor, travelled halfway around the globe to try and save lives, near the place where my dad had died—but the life that I so desperately needed to save was my daddy’s, and that could never be, he was gone… and now, I’d let someone else into my heart, and he would be gone too soon enough.

“Now, I am going to make you a nice cup of tea as the Brit’s say, and then you are going to sleep. After that I am going to arrange for you to go home and spend some time with your mom.”

Angel squeezed my shoulder and went to search for our mugs.

“I can’t go home, I’m not done here! I can’t let him down,” I said with fury, as angry and hurt as a toddler who was denied their own way.

“No, you aren’t done. That I can count on. I’m not banishing you, Penny. I need you back here as soon as possible—but we all have to take a break from being here every now and again. Now is your time to go. Recharge, come back firing on all cylinders. Go back home, even if it’s just for a short while; give yourself a proper time to grieve. And I’m sure, if it’s meant to be between you and soldier boy, then love will find a way to put you together again.”

After a few minutes she returned with two cups of sweet English tea. I reluctantly took the mug, taking slow sips, allowing its soothing effects to wash over me. Tomorrow morning, I vowed to seek Robert out and finish what we’d started. I’d tell him everything I’d bottled up, everything I’d failed for lack of courage to explain to him before. I knew I didn’t want what was between us to only end up being a fling, I needed more.

And tomorrow I wouldn’t be afraid to tell him that, regardless of how little time we had left in this place together.

* * *

“He’s gone? What do you mean he’s gone? He can’t be… I saw him last night.”

Second Lieutenant Latimer looked at me like I was raving mad. Like I was a jilted lover after a one night stand, who’d read more into the fling than I should’ve. But he hadn’t heard what Robert had said to me. He hadn’t been in the room when Robert had told me he wanted me… really liked me. It had been me that had pushed him away.

You foolish girl!

Then I remembered the tail end of our conversation after my shower. Mark had appeared to collect Robert, for reasons I knew not why.

“How long will he be? He’s coming back to base, right?” I asked trying to keep pace with him as he hurried towards the surgical tent.

“Wouldn’t rightly know. They don’t exactly tell us much either.”

“But where is he?” I implored, blocking his access to the door.

“Classified, I’m afraid.”

I let out a frustrated cry but didn’t let him pass. “Please, just tell me something. Anything. Is he still in the bloody country?”

“Doctor Mortimer—”

“Penny.”

“Penny, I can’t tell you. It’s more than my job’s worth.”

“But you don’t understand…” I said and covered my face with my hands.

Lightly he manoeuvred me aside and disappeared into surgery, leaving me standing there with no answers and full of regrets. If only I hadn’t wasted time and been so fucking stupid.

There was a light cough and I gathered myself. This was no place to have a meltdown. I would be leaving soon enough, I could crumble when I was out of sight, at home. I smoothed my hands on my scrubs and looked up to find Sergeant Bailey in front of me.

“Come with me.” Claire quickly took my arm and led me to the nearest alcove where we stockpiled what little supplies we could get our hands on.

“What are you doing?”

“Shh, keep your voice down.”

“Okay,” I said whispering. Claire glanced around me, her head looking right then left. Satisfied she turned her attention back to me.

“Whatever I tell you, you didn’t hear it from me, you hear?”

“What’s going on, Claire?”

“Promise me!” she hissed.

I nodded. “I promise. Lips are sealed. Do you know where Robert is?” Desperate to know the answer I took a step closer, my eyes wide with anticipation.

“The skinny is that he’s been recalled back home. He was put on the last transport out to Al Udeid air base at 1900hrs.”

“What? But why?”

“I don’t know. Can’t get an answer from anyone. The army is notorious for letting rumours run amok, but this is different… no one is talking. I mean it must be something bad for them to evac him like that.”

My stomach twisted into a knot that I feared it would never come loose again. Worse still it felt like they were multiplying; tightness reached my throat and thickened my tongue.

“Blimey, are you okay? You look like you’re gonna lose your dinner.”

I straightened as best I could and asked the important question, “Do you know if he’s coming back?”

“I doubt it. But who knows,” she shrugged, “Anything’s possible.”