Mila~
Planets collided. It was out of this world. Liam seriously just rocked my world.
I don’t give him time to say something else. I reach up and pull him back down on top of me. This is the special I’ve always wanted.
I can hear every beat of my heartbeat, I’m that nervous. I don’t want to mess this up. I’m conscious of everything about this moment, the way his body is pressing into mine in all the right places. The carnal growls he makes when I touch him unravels me.
I breathe his warm breath in, and it fills my lungs. I want to breathe him forever.
This kiss is tentative, as if he knows what I’m asking of him. I pull back and look into his eyes. His entire body is held taut like he’s unsure of my next move.
Careful not to shatter the moment we’ve woven between us, I reach down between us and start to tug his jeans down. I want them gone. He gets the message and helps me remove them along with his boxers.
I try to keep the look of shock from my face when I see him naked. He takes a foil packet from his wallet before crawling back to me.
“Kiss me, Mila,” he growls.
I laugh and feel the nervous bees in my stomach lessen when his hungry mouth presses firmly against mine. His tongue glides between my lips and I get lost in Liam. I want this moment to last forever.
Pulse racing, I slide my hands down his back, tracing his spine until I reach his lower back, where I let my hands linger.
He presses his body harder into mine, his chest against my breasts, his hips hard on mine, and I feel him hard and ready between my legs. My abdomen clenches and it feels as if my whole body is reaching out to his.
“Damn,” he groans.
Perfect. I trail tiny kisses along his jaw when I hear the rip of foil. I can’t think of anything but Liam in this moment.
My mouth still pressed into his jaw, I feel him put the condom on.
I know that I’m taking a huge risk, putting all I’ve worked so hard for on the line, but I can’t give this moment back.
Am I being selfish? Yes.
I want this so much. Just this one moment with Liam. I want something that will be just mine. It’s something the cult will never be able to take from me.
The little good I am belongs to Liam, and I want him to have it.
I feel him position himself, and I bring my mouth to his. I wrap my arms tightly around him.
“You’re the one, Mila, always have been,” he whispers, as he starts to slowly push inside of me.
I kiss him harder, expecting pain. Harper told me it would be painful. I’ve heard horror stories from the other women I grew up with, but as Liam slowly fills me all I feel is a slight discomfort. When he pulls out, I sigh with relief and practically melt against him.
The whisper slips out, “I love you.”
I bite my tongue the second I’ve said it. I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want him to know I feel that way about him. It’s too soon. It’s filled with promises I can’t give him.
Liam slips his arms under me, crushing my body to his.
“I always knew we were meant to be,” he says, and then he rolls his hips into me, making those tiny firecrackers explode everywhere inside of me.
My mouth drops open. I can’t even get a sound out as Liam shows me a whole new level of ecstasy.
He’s ruining me. I’ll never be the same again.
A quickening feeling builds in my abdomen, and I dig my fingers into his lower back, trying to keep him there.
A low moan escapes my throat and I throw my head back, pushing my body into his, trying to get closer still, as he rocks into me.
He slips his hand to my butt and keeps me locked to him. I didn’t even notice I was moving, but his hand holding me down is what I need, because I feel him right where I need him as he thrusts in harder.
Tingles start in my toes, and my body turns to liquid ecstasy as I clench and contract with one wave of pure deliciousness after the other.
I can’t moan. I can’t breathe until the last ripple ebbs away, and I feel Liam shudder as he’s overcome with pleasure above me.
His eyes are burning like twin coals, alive with passion. He’s so beautiful that it makes my insides quiver.
Tears well up in the back of my throat because this moment is so perfect that I don’t want to give it up. I want to be selfish and just stay here with him.
I reach up and trace my fingers down the side of his face. He places a chaste kiss on my lips.
“Be right back.” I miss his warmth the second he pulls away from me. He gets out of bed and then his eyes sweep over me one more time. “You’re the best kind of sin, Mila. I’ve never worshipped anything until you.”
His words slam hard into me, only serving as a reminder to where I’m from. In an instant, all the happy feelings are gone, and the unforgiving panic flares up again.
While he runs to the bathroom, I grab my shorts and search for his baseball shirt I was wearing earlier. I have to let him go. I can’t let this thing between us go any further.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep him forever. I live in a world where I’m forced to live in fear. I knew I could only have Liam for one night.
If the order ever finds me, God only knows what will happen. And there’s Claire – I have to focus on Claire. I can’t have this life that’s just within my reach. I need to start planning a way to save Claire. I owe my sister a chance of being free of the cult.
Liam is going to be somebody great. Liam will continue to rock people’s worlds, just not mine. I can’t be selfish and hold him back.
My life can’t affect Liam’s future. I need to cut this short before it grows into something more.
“Mila?”
I clear my throat, but it’s useless. I never could cry for myself but things are about to change. I feel the prick of tears, and a burning sensation pushes up my throat.
I have to do this for Liam. He deserves the perfect girl, a perfect future. He doesn’t need my shit.
I can feel my heart cracking - a physical pain. It’s alive and consuming, and it makes me feel light headed. It leaves my chest feeling knotted. It’s getting hard to breathe past the shattered pieces of my heart.
I have to do this. I can do this. I’m strong enough to do this for him.
C’mon Mila, be strong for Liam. Give him this. You can’t let that cult into his life.
Just the thought of them near Liam makes my insides shrivel.
I blink and the first tear escapes down my cheek.
I take a step back as he starts toward me. I turn my back to him and I force the words out that will be a killing blow to the young love between us – it never stood a chance.
“You win.” I try hard to stop the tears. They contradict everything I’m going to say. “Now you can tell all the guys I’m easy. I said yes. You win the bet. You got to fuck Mila for four hundred bucks.”
“What the hell, Mila,” Liam snaps, but at least he’s stopped walking towards me. I can feel him tensing behind me. He’s being blindsided but it’s the best thing to do. The quicker I stop this, the better for him.
Ouch, this hurts more than I thought it would. It feels like I’m ripping my own heart from my chest.
I clench a bunch of material in my fist, right over the spot where the heartache is the worst.
I suck in a breath and tell myself to be brave for Liam.
When I feel a sob building, I hold my breath, but it doesn’t help and I quickly walk closer to the window.
I can’t stand to know that I’ll be hurting him.
“Please just go,” I beg, and then I understand what Harper meant when she said she couldn’t stop crying. The tears start to fall and I can’t stop them.
“Mila,” Liam says my name with an urgency as I start to climb through the window. “Let’s talk about this!”
I don’t answer him. I just begin walking. Once I’m a good distance away from my window I let the cries tear through me.
I know he won’t understand, but how do I tell him that I’m from a cult? He won’t understand. He’ll judge me just like they did.
“Mila, would you stop walking away from me so we can talk?”
I swing back to him and anger of how unfair life is explodes in me.
Anger makes you brave. Anger gives you strength when you have nothing else left in you to fight with.
“I escaped from a cult, Liam.” The words burn over my lips. I never thought the day would come that I’d have to admit that out loud to someone.
I watch as shock registers on his face until he looks like a beaten down boy and not the man who loved me just a few seconds ago.
I knew he would judge me but seeing it on his face is a death blow to my heart.
I had hope. I realize this as anger shadows Liam’s face. I had hope that he would be different. I had hope that Liam would love me for just being me and not judge me for my past.
I had hope, and I was wrong. He’s just like every other person – quick to judge, quick to condemn – he’s just another man.
“I was fourteen when I got out. Cathy was a journalist and she snuck me off the compound grounds.” I don’t know why I’m even telling him this.
It’s like watching the nails slam into the coffin where our love now lies dead.
His jaw tightens and I watch as his shock transforms into anger.
“But you got out? You’re not a cult member anymore?” he grinds the words out as if they’re burning his tongue.
“I was born into one. I escaped when I was fourteen, but they can find me any day,” I say almost breathlessly. It’s hard admitting your fears to someone else.
“How can you be sure? You just said you escaped six years ago. Maybe they’ve forgotten about you.” Hope mixes with the anger on his face and it makes my gut tighten with apprehension.
“That might be true. They might’ve given up on finding me, but I’m not done with them, Liam.”
“What?” Again, shock flashes over his face.
“I have to go back,” I whisper, already knowing that he won’t understand.
He places his hands on his legs and bends over as if someone just punched him in the gut. I watch as he sucks in harsh breaths, and then he screams.
My eyes widen and I feel a flicker of fear mingle with all the heartache as he starts to stalk right at me.
“A fucking cult!” he spits the words out again as he gets closer. “You’re going to go back to the very place you ran from? Why would you do something so fucking stupid?”
I don’t recognize the man in front of me. I’ve never seen such anger before and it’s terrifying me.
I take a step back, scared of this angry person he’s becoming right in front of my eyes. He’s just like all the rest – he’s just another man.
My heart thumps painfully in my chest. My mouth dries out to the point where my tongue feels thick and foreign.
“I can’t explain it now. I just need to go back and take care of something. I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t, Liam. I’m sorry.”
“Fuck you,” he spits out and the two words are soaked in venom. “You’re all the fucking same. Why do you have to be so fucking destructive?” He steps right up to me and then bites out, “Why. Do. You. Have. To. Kill. Everything. That. Is. Beautiful?”
“I … I … Liam?” It hurts so much more than I ever thought it would. The pain and sorrow is becoming too much – it’s overwhelming me.
But … this was what I wanted.
He’ll be safe. He has to hate me so I can keep him safe.
“News flash, Mila,” he whispers and his voice is drowning in pain and rage. “I had a little sister. She’s dead because of people like you - a fucking cult. You just managed to kill the last bit of faith I had in humanity. You proved to me that if there is something good in this world, you’ll fucking find it, and you’ll kill it.”
I cover my mouth as a sob escapes my tight throat. Every word that comes from him cuts through me. Every word knocks me back a step until it feels like I’ve lost the person I fought so hard to become.
I’m nothing but Mila the sinner. He has managed to break me down, making me feel like I’m nothing again.
I don’t think, I just run. I run as fast as I can.
I run from Liam and all the beauty and love he’s ripped from me, and with each step, I cry harder.
I run into the darkness I’m afraid of, rather than stay with the man I thought I could love … I thought I could trust.
This is my fault.
This is what I wanted.
It’s for the best. If the cult comes for me at least Liam will be safe. And even if they don’t come for me, I have to think of Claire.
Liam hates me and it’s for the best.
When a car pulls up next to me, the last person I expect to see is Hailey.
“Get in. You look like shit.” Although her words are biting, the split lip and fresh blood on her shirt makes her look just as vulnerable as I feel.
I stare at her, not sure I should get in.
“Oh, come on,” she says, looking really tired. “What are you gonna do? Walk all night?”
“That’s the idea,” I whisper.
“I’m too tired for this shit. Either you get in and I give you a ride, or you walk,” she says, slumping back in her chair.
I might have trust issues but I’m more scared of the dark, than of Hailey. I get in because it’s better than wandering the streets in the middle of the night.
“What are you doing out so late?” she asks, squinting at me through her good eye. The other is busy swelling up badly.
“You need to get that looked at.” I point to her face. “What happened to you?” I ask, showing her that her questioning is as unwelcome as mine.
“Fair enough. I’ll go first. My uncle and father slapped me around for not wanting to do a delivery for them.”
My mouth drops open and my tears are forgotten. So the rumors are maybe true?
“Don’t you dare sit there and judge me,” she grinds out.
“I’m not. I’ll be the last person to judge you,” I say quickly. I just don’t understand why someone as beautiful and popular as Hailey would do such a thing. “What kind of delivery?”
“Tell me why you were running and I’ll tell you mine,” she smirks.
I look out the window instead of answering her. I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone. Hailey drives around for a while and I’m so thankful when she doesn’t press me to talk.
I watch the street lamps whoosh by us and then I glance at Hailey. I’m surprised to see her wiping tears from her cheeks.
“I was running from Liam.”
Her eyebrow jumps at this little piece of info. “Why? Didn’t you wanna spread them?”
“Why do you have to be so mean?” I snap at her. Her reckless words are like salt on my open wounds.
She lets out a miserable sigh. “Survival of the fittest, Mila. So, why were you running?”
“It’s better if I let him go. I’m no good for him.”
She looks surprised, then sad. “You and me both, hon. My father makes me do things I don’t want to. I have dreams, you know? My mom was a music teacher. Why can’t I be like her?”
She says it, just like that, like we’re old friends. In that instant Hailey changes in front of me, from bitch to kindred spirit. We are so much alike.
“Hailey …”
“Don’t, Mila …”
“Wait,” I cut her off, before she can think I’m about to pity her. “Let me finish. This isn’t pity. I’m the last person that’ll pity you.” I grab hold of her arm and give it a little squeeze. “I know about being forced to do things you don’t want to. I know what it feels like to be suffocated and to feel like you’re a prisoner in your own life.”
She nods and it feels so good to have someone understand what I’m feeling and not judging me.
“You need to leave, Hailey.” I can help her. Excitement bubbles up in me and she sees what I’m thinking before I say it.
“You want me to just leave? My father will kill me,” she says, and I hear the fear in her voice. It’s the same fear I live with every day.
“What are you going to do? Let him keep using you? You’ll get hurt, maybe even end up dead.”
“Easier said than done, Mila!” she screams at me. She pulls the car over to the side of the road and looks at me with the same hopeless eyes I’ve seen so many times look back at me from the mirror.
“It is easy, Hailey. Just leave. We can go together. If you don’t’ want to run, you can move in with me. Cathy will help you. You’re a grown woman, Hailey. He can’t force you to stay with him.” I try to encourage her.
“What do you know of leaving home?” she bites out.
I do a double take. She’s not listening to a word I’m saying.
“Hailey, I ran away from the only home I ever knew. I know what it feels like to take that leap into the unknown.”
She shakes her head, looking guilty. “Sorry, Mila. Things are just so bad. I’m scared.”
“Hey, it’s okay. I know about bad.” I reach for her hand again and squeeze it. “I know all about how screwed up life can be.” I give her hand another squeeze. “But, Hailey, you can leave yours. If I could, then you can, too. Come stay with me. Cathy won’t mind. It’ll be temporary, until we get jobs, then we can move.”
“I’ll go home with you on one condition,” she says.
“Okay.”
“Tell me why you ran from Liam.”
“I told you I’m not good enough for him. It’s to keep him safe.”
“I’m calling BS on that.”
It’s my turn to sigh miserably. “He hates me. He blames me for something … his little sister dying? I’m not sure.” I hold Hailey’s hand tighter, feeling we have some sort of connection with my shitty past and her crappy life.
“Besides, I can’t have Liam in my life right now. I have things I need to do.”
“Rosie … I heard he had a little sister named Rosie. I think she committed suicide. Apparently, it totally fucked with Liam,” Hailey whispers.
My mouth drops open and shock ripples over me in waves. No wonder Liam hates me so much. His sister died in a cult. I’m from a cult. He’s blaming me for wanting to go back.
“We might not know each other all that well, but no one has ever stopped to give me the time of day. It’s one a.m. and you’re offering me a place to stay, and I’ve done nothing but be a bitch to you. Bitches stick together. Two walls are thicker than one.” She gives me half a smile and there’s a flicker of strength in her eyes.
“I like that,” I whisper back, “bitches stick together.”
Liam~
I’m leaving.
Every single thing has gone to shit. Mickey and Harper are tense with each other. Hunter is eyeing Harper, all of a sudden, and no matter how many times he denies that shit, I can see it a mile away, so Mickey’s got to see it too.
Then there’s this thing with Mila. She fucking destroyed me. I didn’t see that coming.
The one second she’s coming apart in my arms, telling me she loves me, and the next she’s losing her shit, telling me she’s from a cult. A fucking cult! I could handle that but the fact that she wants to go back – that just kills me.
I never got over Rosie’s death. I never will. I can’t forgive Mila for wanting to go back to a cult – the very people who took Rosie from me.
That was the first time I said her name out loud since she died.
Rosie.
My baby sister. My angel.
Tears overwhelm me again. Tears of a loss that will keep eating away at me until I die. Tears of guilt because I failed Rosie. Tears of anger because the one person I allowed into my heart turned out to be nothing more than a fraud.
She fucking destroyed me.
Why didn’t I see it coming? I’ll never trust a woman again. All they do is fucking hurt you – just like my mother.
I waited for Mila to come back and she came back with none other than fucking Hailey Young. They’re right – shit attracts shit.
Harper says Hailey even lives there now.
I was so wrong about Mila. Fuck was I wrong. How could I be so blind?
I’m leaving. I can’t start classes like this. I’ll fail and I can’t let Uncle Julian down. I can’t be around Mila for the rest of the summer, either. I might end up doing something that I’ll regret.
I’m leaving with Blake for a few weeks. I need to clear my head.
I don’t know why I’m fucking torturing myself like this, but I need to see Mila one last time. I need closure.
Pulling up to her house, my heart is beating a mile a minute. I skip the front door and head straight for her window. I can hear them inside and it only makes my heart threaten to rip right through my chest.
“You should go tonight,” Harper says. “Everyone is going.”
They must be talking about the party Hunter is throwing.
“It’ll be weird. He won’t want me there,” Mila whispers. She sounds heartbroken but I can’t focus on that. I need to get my closure.
“Just because things are over between the two of you doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with Mickey and Hunter. Don’t isolate yourself from the world because of one man. You taught me that,” Hailey says, and I’m a little shocked to hear that Mila told her about us.
I step forward, my clothes feeling stiff against my skin. I hesitate for a second but my anger gets me through and I sweep the curtains away. The girls jump when they see me.
“Mila, can I have a second?” I snap. Shit, I didn’t mean to snap. I just want to leave things civilized. I need a clear conscience.
She nods, all wide-eyed. She scrambles off the bed and looks to the other girls with a pleading look in her eyes.
I hold the curtains back for her and try as I might, I can’t help but take a deep breath of her scent as she passes by me.
I have things to get off my chest before I go, and that’s all that matters.
“I just wanted to say something before I leave.” Her eyes are swimming with tears and it makes them look breathlessly beautiful. My heart clenches, and for a moment I feel regret. I reach in and hug her to me with one arm and that’s a mistake, because now I can’t let her go.
Fuck … this hurts. I shouldn’t have come. There will never be closure between us. She ruined me.
I bring my other arm around her as well and tighten my hold on her. I want to cry. I hate what she’s done to us.
“Tell me, why.” I want the truth. I want to know how she can belong to a cult, how she can choose them over me.
“It’s me not you,” she says, and this time the words pisses me off.
I see fucking red but I still can’t get my arms to let her go. My heart is shattering into a million pieces, my body is aching for her and I want to hate her so badly. If I hate her, I’ll survive.
“It’s you,” I repeat, like the dumbass I am. “It’s not me. That’s the best you can do? We meant so little to you that you’re throwing it away for a cult? Why? What makes a cult so fucking special that you’re willing to kill what we could have had?”
She tries to yank back. “No, Liam! That’s not it. You’re everything and so much more.” I tighten my hold on her so she can’t move.
Hurt bubbles up inside me, making it hard to breathe.
“I’m just not worth it, right? You’d rather be part of a fucked up cult than be with me?” I state, fully pissed off now. “What is it with you women? Why do you want to belong to a man that has a dozen wives? You’re just like my mother. You’re weak,” I hiss the words out, but they taste bitter. There’s nothing satisfying about this moment. Now I know how Dad felt when Mom left him.
“Nooo,” she starts to cry. She buries her face in her hands, still refusing to hold me. She won’t give me anything.
Mila’s giving me nothing but fucking tears and pathetic excuses.
“You’re so stubborn,” she suddenly screams. “I’m trying to protect you! Get on your fucking plane and leave. Go!”
“Protect me from what?”
“My life. I can’t let it taint you.” She places her hand on my chest, then brushes over my shirt, touching the buttons lightly. A look of pride settles on her face. “You’re going to do great, Liam. I’ll pray for you every day. Come home safely, please.”
“This isn’t over. We are not done with this conversation, Mila. You can’t expect me to accept your half-assed excuses. We have to write, phone, email … anything. You owe me that. I need closure.” Panic fills my chest, thinking this is it. She’s going to let me walk away without giving me a solid reason why she’s choosing a cult over me.
“I don’t have a phone or any of those things.” She bites the inside of her mouth and squints up at me. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I just want to protect you, Liam. I need time. If you could just give me time.”
Her eyes are two pools of sorrow and it makes me feel torn in two. I want to love her so badly but she’ll take me under. She’s a force of destruction. She’s a ball of raging fire and she’ll burn us all to the ground.
“You keep saying that. Protect me from what?”
“The cult. I have to go back and I can’t tell you why. Don’t ask me why. Please, it’s the one thing I can’t tell you.”
I frown as she says it. It’s always the fucking cult!
“Don’t look at me like that, Liam. Please don’t! I understand that you’re hurting, but they’re still a part of my life.”
She tells me this now – after I give her a piece of me. Un-fucking-believable.
“Why? Why are you letting them into your life?”
She shakes her head and her bottom lip starts to tremble. She’s still the most beautiful woman in the world.
“I can’t tell you,” she whispers, and it makes frustration explode in me.
“For how long will you let them brainwash you?” I ask. I wish I could shake some sense into her.
She yanks her hand from mine, her eyes going wide with horror.
“Let it go! I can’t tell you why I have to go back. Go, Liam. I don’t want you. I lied. I don’t love you. I’m weak … just like you said. Go … just go!”
I drop my eyes to the grass and swallow back the anger that’s threatening to tear me apart.
There’s a small grey feather lying to the left of us. I bend down and pick it up and then hold it out to her.
“I now understand why you love feathers,” I whisper heartbrokenly.
She takes it from me with trembling fingers, her eyes welling with tears.
“Why?”
“You only keep the people in your life that will help you fly. Once a person is of no use to you – you just drop them. You’re that fucking bird that will sit and yank all your feathers out until you’re naked and alone.”
Her breaths rush so fast that for a second I think she might hyperventilate.
I have to walk away. I can’t allow myself to feel anything for this woman.
Before I leave, I whisper, “I could’ve been your wings, Mila. I’d never pluck you out of my life the way you did to me. I would’ve kept you from falling.”
“You’re wrong, Liam,” she says hoarsely. “You did let me fall when I needed someone the most. We’re just not good for each other. Forget me like I’ll forget you.”
Those are the words Mila leaves me with.
Lies. She’s going to keep fighting me because she’s scared shitless of a fucking cult.
I know she loves me. I felt it. God help me, it hurts to walk away from her.