Mila~
I can’t believe he just said that. I can’t believe Liam just took me from my home.
He practically kidnapped me.
Shit!
Everything that happened today is just all too overwhelming. I sit still for another few seconds and let the horrible day really sink in. The betrayal of Hailey is too bitter to swallow. The fear of the cult having found me makes it feel like the walls are closing in on me.
My head starts to ache and the suffocating feeling engulfs me.
I sit on the toilet and stare down at the blood. Fear claws at my stomach. Why am I bleeding? I don’t understand it. I try to wipe it all up but it doesn’t help.
“Help!” I scream, hoping one of the sisters will hear me. “Help me!”
The door slams open and I’m horrified to see Brother Samuel. He’s the caretaker here.
“Why are you hollering like that?” he snaps at me.
I quickly get off the toilet and cover myself as best I can. Confusion and shame floods every part of me.
“Is that blood?” he asks.
I can only nod, too scared to say anything.
“You’ve sinned so much that you’ve started bleeding from it. I’m disappointed, daughter.”
Tears well up in the back of my throat and I sink to my knees. “I’m so sorry, Brother Samuel. Please forgive me?”
“There’s no forgiving this sin, daughter. You have to be punished. You’ll bleed once a month until the bearing of a child cleanses you clean.”
I hear the whooshing sound of the leather as he pulls his belt free from his trousers.
“Repent, daughter.”
“I don’t know what to repent for.” I start to cry, knowing that he’s going to give me a lashing.
“Repent for being a daughter of sin.”
I feel utterly spent when I open my eyes again. I’m back on the bed but this time Liam is sitting next to me. There’s no anger in his eyes, only concern.
“You had a panic attack,” he whispers.
As the memories of the panic attack start to come back, I quickly look away. I don’t want him seeing the emotions raging inside of me.
“You said some stuff,” he whispers, and I hate the kindness in his voice. I’d rather he was mean to me.
“Don’t be nice to me now!” I snap.
“Fuck, Mila,” he growls. “I can never win with you.”
“That’s better,” I mumble, feeling so tired.
If Liam’s going to be nice to me, I’m really going to lose my shit. As long as he’s mean, I can fight. It makes sense in my crazy mind.
“Why are you doing this? Why can’t you just mind your own business?”
“I told you, you’re mine,” he snaps.
He was being serious about that shit?
He sighs heavily before he leans back against the headboard.
“Tell me so I can help you,” he says, his voice all kind again.
If I talk, they might all get hurt. Liam, Harper, Mickey - all my friends.
“You can’t help me. I’m helping you. Stop asking me to talk.” My voice is not as strong as I would like it to be.
“Let me guess. It’s you not me.” He throws my words right back at me and I can hear the bitterness lacing every word.
I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t want him to see me for the monster I am. It might actually be better to tell him so he won’t keep me on this damn pedestal.
It’s the only way to get him to leave - to let him see the monster in me.
Liam~
“I’ll talk,” she says the magic words.
I watch her scoot high up on the bed and for the life of me, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t force myself to hate her. I love her too much.
“I just want the truth, Mila. Just talk to me.” Can’t she see I’m right here? I’ll do anything to keep her safe.
“If I tell you, will you let me go?” She grabs hold of a pillow, using it as a shield in front of her, as if it can actually keep me away from her.
“Not making any promises. It all depends on what you tell me.”
I get up and walk over to the chair, turning it around, I straddle it. I might as well make myself comfortable. I rest my arms on the back of the chair and give Mila my undivided attention.
“I was born into The Order Of The Promised Land. It’s in Utah. I was raised to be the perfect wife. My best friend got married and it changed things. She started telling me what married life was really like. She told me that the Unblemished Brothers can have sex with us whenever they want, so they can spread their seed. She told me that she got beaten for not being able to bear a child. I didn’t understand all that she told me. She was four years older and I guess she was more like an older sister to me.”
Mila takes a shaky breath and I can tell that this is hard for her, but I force myself to not go to her. I have to let her talk. It’s taken too long to get to this point to jeopardize it now.
Anger starts to simmer in the darkest parts of me. It’s an old anger – one that’s gained strength over the years.
Suddenly, she scoots to the edge of the bed, closer to me. Shoving the pillow behind her with one hand, she grips hold of the side of the chair with her other hand.
There’s panic written all over her face. “Please, I have to go. If they find me here…” She looks at me with fear filled eyes.
I remember that one day we spent at my uncle’s house, the day she told me about some of her past. Her past sounded bad, and now I fear what she still has to tell me.
“Tell me everything, Mila,” I whisper softly, trying to encourage her to further open up to me.
“Liam,” she whispers, begging me to let it go. “Just walk away. You don’t want me to tell you.”
“Mila, try me. I might just surprise you.”
Her head snaps up, anger etched deep in her eyes. It’s good. As long as she’s angry, she’s not panicking. I can deal with her anger.
“You think you can deal with my past?” she hisses. “They locked me up once a month. I fucking got beaten just for having my period! I had to repent for being a woman.”
I saw some things during my stay at the cult my mother belonged to and it made me angry. Things like women not being allowed to make eye contact with the men. Things like women having to eat scraps of food left by the men. Woman only allowed cold baths because the heat was reserved for the men. I heard and saw a lot, but hearing Mila tell me that she was beaten for being a woman? I’m feeling all kinds of angry and primal right about now.
“I’m sorry, Mila,” I say, because someone has to apologize to her for the fucked up life she’s been given.
“Liam, they’re bad people. I come from an evil place. Women are sold to settle debts. The men are gods there. They can do what they want. The order is a smoke screen for what’s really happening there. I have to go back. I left my baby sister there. I have to go back for Claire. I can’t just leave her to be abused while I’m safely here with you.”
My blood turns to fucking ice, learning that she has a sister trapped in that hell hole. It all makes sense now. Fucking hell! Now I understand why Mila wants to go back.
I get up and shove the chair away, needing to get to Mila – because finally she’s opening up to me – fucking finally she lets me in.
“I’m a monster, Liam. I ran away and just left her there,” she whispers hauntingly. Her eyes glaze over as she sinks further into her past. “It feels as if the gates of hell are right inside of me. No matter how far I run, it’s never far enough.”
I crouch in front of her. This is what my girl’s been carrying inside of her all these years? I never should have left her.
“I’m so sorry I left you, Mila,” I squeeze the words out.
Her head snaps back as if I’ve physically punched her. Something like bewilderment flashes over her face before it makes way for anger again.
“I want you to leave! Why won’t you leave? Why don’t you get it?” She grabs hold of my shoulders with her hands and her fingers dig in deep. I don’t know if she’s doing this to hold on to me, or if she’s trying to force the words into me. “I have to go back for Claire. I might not make it out of the cult a second time, but I have to try for Claire. And if I don’t go back – they can find me, and I can’t be with you when they come. They’ll hurt you. I can’t put you through that, Liam. I love you too much.”
I see the terror of her words alive in her eyes and it’s time I put her mind at ease.
“Baby, I won’t let them hurt you or me. I can protect you.”
Mila falls back onto the bed in frustration, and grabs the pillow, covering her face. I hear a muffled scream. Two seconds later, the pillow flies right by me, across the room, and Mila follows.
She launches herself at me and tackles me right onto my ass. With my back flat on the floor, she straddles me and ties to hold me down by pressing on my chest with both her hands. I’ll give her the illusion of control for a few minutes.
Her breaths are raging fast, her hair a wild mess. If we weren’t having a serious conversation this would be hot as fuck.
“They’re dangerous, Liam. Get that! They’re monsters. They said they can end my life at any time.” Her face crumbles as she realizes what she just said.
“Oh God, they’re already here,” she whispers. Her arms give way and she sinks into my chest. Her body trembles as she starts to cry. “I don’t want to be a prisoner again. I won’t survive it. I can’t let them beat me. I can’t marry Brother William and let the Unblemished Brothers fuck me whenever they feel like it. I’d rather die.”
The second she says those words into my chest, I feel the anger explode inside of me. I start to tremble with rage. It’s like I’m being forced to relive Rosie’s last days.
“Fuck, Mila.” My voice is a low growl. I wrap my arms around her, as tightly as I can without hurting her. She presses her face harder into my chest. “I won’t allow it. I won’t fail you, too.”
She heaves a shaky breath that warms my now cold body. I pull her higher, needing to hold her close to me. I slip my hand under her hair to her neck, and press her face into the crook of my neck. I want to feel her racing breaths on me. I let my other hand do a slow caress down her spine, to where I grab hold of her ass.
“The marks on your back … it’s from all the beatings?”
She tucks her arms in around my neck and snuggles in closer.
This is all I ever wanted. Mila here in my arms.
Mila is finally trusting me.
“At first I couldn’t run. I knew I didn’t believe in the way of the order anymore. I knew that, if they found out, the punishment would be horrible. I also knew that if I ran, they would look for me. There was this girl, Chasidee. She ran and they found her. She was punished in front of everyone. The shackled her to the ground like a dog. She was beaten badly. They never stopped punishing her. They even took her children away from her, saying that she wasn’t worthy of being their mother. I was so scared. I was scared of staying and scared of running.”
I can’t explain all I feel inside. Rage doesn’t even come close. Hatred has taken on a whole new meaning. Now, I understand how someone can kill another human being. I understand what drives someone to commit murder.
“I can only remember one day in my life where I didn’t feel suffocated by fear,” she whispers.
“When was that?” I’ll do anything to recreate that day for her.
“The day we spent at your uncle’s place. The night you made love to me. You made me feel like I could be someone. You made me feel like I could be fearless. You made me feel brave.”
“Oh baby,” I say with a trembling voice. “I love you so fucking much. You have to believe that by now. I’m going to help you get your sister. I’ll help you face that fucking cult, and we’ll deal with whatever they throw our way. Let me help you so we can finally be together. Let me do this with you. You don’t have to be alone.”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt, Liam. It will kill me.”
“I’ve survived a cult once, Mila.” I watch the news sink in. “My mother belongs to a cult. She gave me and my sister up because of a fucking cult. After everything you told me, I can’t help but wonder if that’s the reason Rosie committed suicide. I was only sixteen back then. I wasn’t able to save my sister, and I have to live with that regret and anger every day. Let me help you, Mila. Give me a chance to be there for you.”
She hugs me tightly to her trembling body.
“I’m so sorry, Liam. I’m sorry you lost Rosie.” She takes a few deep breaths and then looks up at me. “Just promise me you won’t take any chances. Promise me you’ll be careful, and if anything goes wrong you’ll run. Promise me.”
“I promise I won’t leave you alone again, Mila. I promise I won’t risk your life.”
She gives me a pleading look. “That’s not what I asked.”
“I promise to be careful.”
She nods, knowing that’s all I can promise right now.